The Selfish Swami & Other Stories

Thanks to the support and encouragement of all my readers over almost a decade, I have finally published my first book: The Selfish Swami & Other Stories. The book has been published with the pen name: A S. It is a collection of short stories involving the following common and uncommon situations, and more! What happens when:

• You get a chance to date a movie star you admired during your childhood?
• You are stood up on a blind date and you notice another person's blind date go awry?
• You are married and are unexpectedly visited by your college crush?
• You are on a new date and you get an urgent call of nature with no facilities anywhere near by?
• You fall head over heels for a girl, only to discover that she is in love with another man whom you could never hope to match?

In 10 entertaining short stories written over a period of 15 years, I invite you to follow an eclectic mix of Indians in their pursuit of love and passion, ranging from blind dates to paid encounters, extramarital trysts to arranged marriages, teen romance to spiritual love. Seamlessly switching between first person and third person narratives, as well as male and female voices, these stories are quintessentially Indian in language and spirit. A perfect little book to accompany your cup of chai or coffee on a relaxing evening. Pick up a copy for yourself, consider gifting it to a friend, and please do tell everyone about it!

This is an ebook available on Amazon.com. You can read it on your favorite device - a laptop or a desktop, a tablet or a smartphone, or on all of them! You can start reading on once device, and pick up exactly where you left off on an different device. If you have not read an ebook from Amazon before, you can click here to find the best option by which you can read my book on your favorite device.

Information Vs Knowledge

Question: What is the difference between information and knowledge?

Answer:
Information is the mundane and factual. Knowledge is the profound, the deep and the holistic.

Information is merely the external defined relationship - be it as a gf-bf or a husband and wife. Knowledge is the deep shared love, the awareness of each others moods, the connected empathy, the intimate familiarity with each others scents, the feel of the different parts of each others bodies - the vast foundation of which the external relationship is merely a limited feature or symptom.

Like love which can spill across the defined boundaries of relationships, knowledge can spill over the limits of discrete bits of information.

143.5 Centimeters of Love

"I apologize for not being as direct as the two previous speakers, but I nevertheless have something to say. I went to a train station today and learned that the distance between railway tracks is always 143.5 centimeters, or 4 feet 8.5 inches. Why this absurd measurement? I asked my girlfriend to find out and this is what she discovered. When they built the first train carriages, they used the same tools as they had for building horse-drawn carriages. And why that distance between the wheels on carriages? Because that was the width of the old roads along which the carriages had to travel. And who decided that roads should be that width? Well, suddenly, we are plunged back into the distant past. It was the Romans, the first great road builders, who decided to make their roads that width. And why? Because their war chariots were pulled by two horses, and when placed side by side, the horses they used at the time took up 143.5 centimeters.

"So the distance between the tracks I saw today, used by our state-of-the-art high-speed trains, was determined by the Romans. When people went to the United States and started building railways there, it didn't occur to them to change the width and so it stayed as it was. This even affected the building of space shuttles. American engineers thought the fuel tanks should be wider, but the tanks were built in Utah and had to be transported by train to the Space Center in Florida, and the tunnels couldn't take anything wider. And so they had to accept the measurement that the Romans had decided was the ideal. But what has all this to do with marriage?"

I paused. Some people were not in the slightest bit interested in railway tracks and had started talking among themselves. Others were listening attentively, among them Marie and Mikhail.

"It has everything to do with marriage and with the two stories we have just heard. At some point in history, someone turned up and said: When two people get married, they must stay frozen like that for the rest of their lives. You will move along side by side like two tracks, keeping always that same distance apart. Even if sometimes one of you needs to be a little farther away or a little closer, that is against the rules. The rules say: Be sensible, think of the future, think of your children. You can't change, you must be like two railway tracks that remain the same distance apart all the way from their point of departure to their destination. The rules don't allow for love to change, or to grow at the start and diminish halfway through - it's too dangerous. And so, after the enthusiasm of the first few years, they maintain the same distance, the same solidity, the same functional nature. your purpose is to allow the train bearing the survival of the species to head off into the future: your children will only be happy if you stay just as you were - 143.5 centimeters apart. If you're not happy with something that never changes, think of them, think of the children you brought into the world.

"Think of your neighbors. Show them that you're happy, eat roast beef on Sundays, watch television, help the community. Think of society. Dress in such a way that everyone knows you're in perfect harmony. Never glance to the side, someone might be watching you, and that could bring temptation; it could mean divorce, crisis, depression.

"Smile in all the photos. Put the photos in the living room, so that everyone can see them. Cut the grass, practice a sport - oh, yes, you must practice a sport in order to stay frozen in time. When sport isn't enough, have plastic surgery. But never forget, these rules were established long ago and must be respected. Who established these rules? That doesn't matter. Don't question them, because they will always apply, even if you don't agree with them."

- The Zahir by Paulo Coelho

Handling One-sided Love

It happens to all of us at one time or the other: we fall in love with someone who does not love us back the same way as we love them. one-sided love. Unreturned love. Unreciprocated love.

One day you are innocently living your own life. The next day, you start to notice this cute person at school / work, or this charming new person in your social circle, or you befriend this person online who seems to be very interesting, or you start to date somebody to whom you are very attracted. At first it is just this admiring attraction you feel, that you are barely aware of yourself. Then, there comes a moment when you realize that you are hopelessly in love with them, and have been so for the past few days / weeks. One-sided love is like that... it has the nasty habit of creeping up on you unexpectedly.

Regardless of how it starts, one-sided love is one of the most painful experiences to go through. The pain is especially great when it is first love. One of the cruel realities of human life is that for most people, first love is indeed one-sided love.

Love happens. It is extremely hard to consciously choose with whom, when and how you fall in love. So, it is almost impossible to avoid one-sided love. Falling in that trap is in itself very bad and very sad. But it is what you do after the fall that's important. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to do things which compound matters more and cause the pain to be far greater than it needs to be.

One-sided love is my old friend. I have been on both sides of the equation. I have experienced the pain, difficulties and discomfort of the one who fell in love and did not find it reciprocated. And I have noted with surprise and much misery that being the object of one-sided love can be an equally painful experience, if not worse. I have enormous compassion and empathy for those who go through this misery on either side. I present this post with the humble hope that it might be of some help to the unfortunate souls going through the hell of one-sided love.

Undoubtedly, some of what I write below will sound like actions that drive the final nail on the coffin of your love and bury it. So, this advice will be hard to accept for people who still harbor hopes that their love will succeed. But trust me, when I say that these actions are not aimed at burying your love. These actions are primarily focussed on helping you heal and be strong. And if there is even a remote possibility, for your love to succeed, these very actions will draw out that possibility and help it become a reality. As such, all that I write below is totally valid and applicable whether you have given up on your love and want to move on, or you still harbor hopes that it will succeed. In either case, you would do well to heed this advice.


When to give up?


You fall in love. You share this fact with your beloved, with much anxiety and fear, hoping upon hope that they feel the same way towards you. But alas, you learn that they do not "like you that way" or "never saw you like that" or "can never have that type of feelings for you". There is immediate dejection, your heart feels heavy as a mountain in your chest. Then what?

You try again. The next hour or next day or next week, you have another talk with the person you love. You hope to convince them with logic or sentiments. You try desperately to make them see the beautiful vision of a future together that fills your eyes, you try to fill their hearts with the overwhelming, tender feelings that fill your own. But without success. Then what?

It can be very tough to know when to recognize that your love will never succeed, that you should give up and move on. It is especially tough to realize the futility of it all when you are young. And even if you realize that it is a failed venture, it can be tough to give up and let go without trying your best, without putting some desperate effort into it, without fighting for that ultimate love you so ardently believe in.

So, at what point should you give up? Unfortunately, there is no right answer to that question. Just as we cannot predict when the heart will fall in love, we cannot predict when the heart will be ready to give up and move on. Worse, we cannot predict the heart of the other person - who knows, it might turn around and fall for us, if only we remain true to our love for a few more days or weeks. So, I cannot tell you exactly when to give up. A good rule of thumb is to give up as soon as the communication from both sides has been very clear and unambiguous. You have expressed your love clearly and the other person has rejected you unambiguously? Time to move on.


Don't try too hard


You have talked 2 or 3 times to the person you love to see if they love you back the same. They don't. Then what to do with them? Nothing. Just let go. Even if you madly, desperately love them, don't try to make them. Keep the mad love in your own heart. Don't drown the other person with your feelings. Don't try too hard.

You can't use logic to convince anybody to love you. You cannot charm them into loving you, against their wishes. You cannot force or make anybody love you, if they don't already feel the love for you. Moreover, convincing somebody to love you with your charm, beauty, money or sex is not the best way to get love. Love cannot be bought like that. The best and most enduring love is the one which rises in the heart on its own, inspired merely by the being of the other person, without needing extra efforts or convincing from anybody. Such love will flow effortlessly and naturally, of its own accord.

Whatever you do, don't try too hard to make somebody love you. I can never stress this enough. By trying too hard, you might actually be killing any small chances there might be for the other person to fall for you. Growing things need lots of room to grow freely and playfully. You can't convince a wild tiger or wolf to come out and play with you by trying too hard and chasing it all over the jungle. The most you can do is regulate your own behavior and hope for it to come to you on its own. Who knows, if you are lucky, things might flow your way. But don't try too hard lest you kill your chances yourself.


Walk away and keep away


The other thing you do when your love is not reciprocated is just walk away. Put some distance between the person you love and yourself. In fact, if you know for sure that they will never love you back, it is best if you don't run into them or communicate with them at all. At least temporarily. Perhaps later, when your heart has let go and healed, there may be a chance to resume some form of acquaintanceship or friendship. But when your love for them is still burning bright, when the wound of rejection is still fresh, when your heart is still hurting, any type of regular and/or close contact should be avoided.

Some people fear that by keeping away from the person they love, they may be killing what little chance they may have with them. The opposite is true. When you are away, it gives the other person a chance to realize what they are missing by not having you around. If they realize that and truly want you, they will come seeking you on their own. If they don't realize anything of the sort, it means they didn't notice you or value you all that much to begin with. So, you are better off being away from them.


Don't do stuff together


In a way, this point is same as the previous point about keeping away from the object of your love. But this is important enough that I am spelling it out explicitly. Before you fell for that person, the two of you might have been in a relationship where you did stuff together. You might have been buddies, classmates, colleagues, or part of some hobby/special interest group. But now that you have expressed your romantic interest and have been rebuffed, it is better that you avoid such combined activities.

This may require you to go through some inconvenient changes in your own life. Change classes at school? Change departments at work? Stop hanging out at the same social haunts or events? Delete them from your online contact lists, phone address book, etc.? Even change the gang of friends whom you meet regularly? The idea is to keep interaction / contacts with the person you fell for at a bare minimum or none.

This advice is most important if you were doing 'couple stuff' before one of you fell in love seriously. By couple stuff, I mean things like casual dating, going out for movies or dinner as a twosome, or even a friends-with-benefits / casual sex type of relationships. If you were doing such things, and one of you fell in love seriously, where as the other person doesn't want to get serious, put a complete stop to all the 'couple stuff'.

It can be very painful to regularly interact, even as just friends or colleagues, with a person who doesn't reciprocate your ardent love. You are constantly reminded of what you love, desire and want, but can't have. It's a torture for the body, heart and soul. It makes moving on and healing very tough. It comes in the way of getting a proper perspective on things. Don't let yourself go through that torture. End the interactions.


Don't stalk or obsess


Being in love means being constantly concerned and interested about everything going on with the person you love. This comes very close to stalking and obsessing. Stalking isn't restricted to just physically following someone around everywhere. Physical following is something you should never do with someone who doesn't reciprocate your love. Remember - walk away and keep away! But suppose circumstances don't allow you to totally avoid interacting with the person towards whom you feel one-sided love. Suppose you are classmates or colleagues, and you are unable to change classes or jobs. Then what? If you can't be physically away, at least try not to mentally obsess about the person. I know this is easier said than done. To love someone is to think about that person constantly. But you can certainly avoid obsessive behavior like trying to know everything about them, keeping tabs on what is going on with them, listening to their conversations with others, constantly checking their blogs or social networking pages and updates (Facebook, Orkut, MySpace, etc.), following them online to participate in the discussions and postings they are involved in, etc., etc. These are the types of behavior you can and should avoid. Doing these things won't help you win their love. These things will in fact, push them farther away. And these actions keep you from healing and moving on.


Don't try to share and heal together


It's stupid to think that a person who loves and another person who doesn't return that love can share the hurts caused by this same unreturned love, and can heal together. You may genuinely care for each other. You might even have been good friends in the past. But as things stands now with one person wanting something more than the other person is willing to share or give, there is no way for peace and healing to be experienced together. You can certainly heal, but on your own. Or with some other caring friend or lover. Not with the person you love and who can't love you back. Don't even attempt this because the opposite will occur. The constant reminder of unreturned love will hurt you more. It will cause the other person to feel worse also.


Don't become weak or ill


Whatever you do, for god's sake don't become weak or fall ill - physically or mentally. It is not worth it at all. Not worth spoiling your health over someone who doesn't return your love. It is not fair to yourself. It is not fair to the other person. It also doesn't make you any more attractive or love-able. In fact, by falling ill, becoming weak or going loco, you are totally destroying any little chance there might have been of things working out for you. When the person wasn't attracted to you or didn't love you when you were healthy and happy, what makes you think that falling ill or going crazy makes you any more attractive and love-able. Just get a good strong grip on yourself and concentrate on living a steady, strong life. It's okay if you have to break-down and cry. Just don't stay broken or stay down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.


Ultimately, that is the gist of everything I have said above: when you are in love and it's not returned, just move on. Move on.

Auras in Love

I was cleaning up my mailbox recently, when I came across an old email sent to me in Aug 2004, by a good friend writing shortly after she got married to her boyfriend of over 2 years. Here's part of the mail:

Things are wonderful being married, the security you feel...that wonderful knowing that you will never be alone is a great feeling. I suppose that this is why married people have that calm peaceful look about them. My aura and Mike's aura truly blend and that's something you want to make certain you look for. A kind of flow that seems so natural that deep down you know it is what it was always meant to be. It's good. Real good. I wish you this kind of peace and happiness and love....

Thanks, C... and I hope your peace, happiness and love will last forever.

Fights in Love

No matter what relationship you are in, there is a definite cost to fighting and arguing. This is especially true of love. Each time you argue or fight, you lose a little bit of the capital which was invested in love. Fight often and you risk losing all the capital and your love account going bankrupt! The result is a huge loss and much misery. You could be wounded so deeply that it might turn into a never-ending cycle of hurt, even if the relationship itself ends.

This might seem extremely unfair to many people, but the cost of fighting has to be paid even if the fight was caused by the obvious faults of only one person in the relationship. No matter who is at fault, the cost and loss are incurred by both. After all, the capital of love does not belong to any one person in the relationship.

So, if you are tempted to fight or argue in a loving relationship, especially over small matters, take a moment to reflect on the cost and see if the fight is really worth it. Perhaps, you are better off saving it for another occasion when there are bigger things at stake? It will help to view whatever provoked you in comparison to the bigger picture of your entire life and love.

If you find that you are fighting too often over small things, and are unable to break the pattern, consider taking a temporary break. It might seem like taking a break could damage the relationship, but believe me, the damage caused by frequent fights is bigger. If the faults / provocations are really serious, substantive and frequent, you might want to consider just ending it permanently, rather than staying in a relationship which perpetually teeters on the brink of love bankruptcy.

There are some people who actually think that an occasional fight helps to strengthen the friendship / love. This is not true. Granted that in the beginning stages of the relationship, a fight or an argument might help us realize how much we care for each other, how much we miss each other if the fight momentarily keeps us apart. But note that it merely helps us realize the love that's already there. It does not contribute anything worthwhile to the love though. If fights keep happening over a long time, it will cost for sure. No love is deep enough, no relationship is strong enough to survive prolonged and frequent fights. In fact, more the intensity of love, more the resulting hurt, and greater the damage to the relationship.

Thou Art Goddess!

Recently, there was a discussion among a few friends about why Rama and Sita are considered an ideal couple in Indian culture and heritage. One Indian friend, who I think is born and brought up here in the US, had something interesting to say. He found it fascinating that Sita addressed her husband Rama as 'Dev', meaning God. Perhaps, he must have read that in a story book or seen it in a movie or TV program based on the popular Ramayana. My friend thought it was very special that they had such a high mutual regard and respect, and that they held one another and their own selves to such high honor.

Being born and brought up in India, I had never given much thought to this manner of addressing between the couples in our ancient stories. After all, I have seen many movies and read countless stories in which the wife addresses her husband as 'Dev' and the husband addresses his wife as 'Devi' (Goddess). So, I had become blind to that. Now, I wish, I hope that when I am eventually married, I can wake up every morning, kiss my wife, look her in the eyes and declare, "Thou art Goddess". I think such a powerful daily affirmation would go a long way in making us and our shared life so much better. And, I would have no choice but to be a matching God.

PS: For those who might think this is just so much empty sentiment, I have an anecdote to share. I once participated in a group ritual, at the beginning of which, the priest and the priestess who were leading the ritual, performed a simple act of affirmation and purification. They made all the attendees pass before them in a line and as each attendee stood before the priest or the priestess, s/he would anoint his/her forehead with cool sacred water, and embrace them with much affection and acceptance while quietly declaring with a whisper, "Thou art God / Goddess". That simple act was so powerful in immediately centering us, making us receptive to and feel worthy of the spirituality of the ritual that was to follow. I was amazed by how effective it was.

Total Defeat - 300th Post

This is the 300th published post on this blog. Strictly speaking, this is not really the 300th post. I have one post on 'Addiction' that has been sitting in Drafts for so long. But it is so intensely personal, I have not had the guts to publish it yet. Also, there were a few previously published posts which got deleted. Nevertheless, as things stand now, this is the 300th published post on this blog.

I started blogging about two months after I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. This blog has been a companion through my life since then. It has not been the kind of life I expected at all. It has been intensely tough and trying. I feel like the arid desert has sucked up the love and vitality from my being, leaving it dry and lifeless.

I came to Phoenix in late November 2003 with hopes for a new beginning in life, in love, in my career. When I came here, I had gone through some unhappiness and defeats in life, but I still retained some part of the original happiness and undefeated spirit with which we are all born. Incredibly, I even had some of my original innocence.

The pre-Phoenix unhappiness and defeats were nothing compared to what has happened since then. Now, I have utterly lost it. There is not a single sphere of life in which I feel happiness and contentment, in which I feel I am in control, or at least feel like I am an equal partner with destiny - not in personal life, not in personal relationships, not in my finances, not in my career, and certainly not in love. I am totally tamed, utterly powerless and with no free will to influence any of these aspects of my own life. The loss of spirit is so complete that I don't even know for sure what exactly I want in any of these areas of life!

Is this what they call mid-life crisis?

The state of my life is hard for me to believe. I know it would be unbelievable for anybody who knew me from my previous lifetime. That was a time when I was fiercely independent and strong-willed. I used to live in a kind of special aura or halo which protected me from all the mundane trivialities and hardships of life. I was untouchable and impeccable. I did pretty much what I wanted to do and the Universe had a way of conforming to my will. Eventually, life used to turn out pretty much the way I expected it to go. I got better grades than almost all my friends, got a real job before any of them, travelled abroad before any of them, made more money than them. Success was something that just happened. Love used to be the only thing which did not work like I wanted it to... but I had this blind and total faith that it would eventually work out just right for me.

How did things come to this state? For the most part, I thought I made all the right choices. At every stage, in every circumstance, I did what I thought was the best. But every choice, every action seemed to have totally unexpected and undesirable consequences. All I could do was watch in helpless horror and defeat as each attempt of mine to make things better only resulted in things getting worse. And it all happened so fast. The past four-and-a-half years in Phoenix are a blur. It still feels like I landed here only early last year. Yet, I have stayed here more than double the amount of time I spent in the previous city!

Today, in this early morning hour, I look at each aspect of my life - my personal life, my personal relationships with family, friends, colleagues, my financial situation, my career and my love. And I still shake my head with disbelief. I had never thought that at this point of my life (31.5 years old), I would be in this state or situation, in any of these aspects of my life. I never thought that I would be so simply and totally defeated.

This blog is more about my journey through love, than anything else. So, I'll talk about love. Even at this stage in life, love is as usual the one thing which causes me the most angst and discontent. It is stuck in my throat like a golf ball-sized lump. Can't swallow it, can't spit it out. It chokes my breath and tears my eyes. The utter inability to communicate, to feel, to share, to care, to just BE, together, in unison, in sync for even a single moment is terribly defeating and immensely painful.

Things were simpler and orders of magnitude less painful when my love and defeats were all solitary, one-sided. But the addition of others, their feelings and their angst into the mix multiplies everything exponentially! It is so overwhelming, I am not even able to express it in words... So, I'll just end this here.

Evolution in Love

If two people claim to love each other much, but they can't make the relationship work, does that mean they are not evolved enough or their love is not evolved enough?

Five Secrets of Lasting Love as per Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks

While cleaning up emails, found an old forwarded mail about the 'Five Secrets of Lasting Love'. Realized why I had not deleted it soon after I read it: it made a lot of sense. So, here it is, reproduced for your benefit.

Five Secrets of Lasting Love Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., Excerpt from: Lasting Love: The 5 Secrets of Growing a Vital, Conscious Relationship (Rodale, Inc., 2004)

Here's the bottom-line truth we discovered from our decades of work with couples in long-term relationships: People can endure long-term relationships in many ways, but they will only thrive if they do five things. In other words, you can grow older with your partner in many ways, but you will only grow closer and more creative through the steady practice of five actions.

We believe these five actions should be taught in every classroom in every school, every day. They most definitely should not be secrets we have to seek or stumble onto by trial and error. Yet they are. Almost none of us begin our love relationships knowing how to do these simple things, and our relationships are disastrous as a consequence.

Let's permanently remove the veil that has covered these secrets and begin a new era of intimacy in close relationships.

The First Secret

If you want a close, vibrant love relationship, you need to become a master of commitment.

We teach couples how to make real commitments to each other. There is an art to commitment, but almost nobody knows how to practice it. The first step of this art is to spot and acknowledge the unconscious commitments that cause us to sabotage the harmony of our close relationships. For example, suppose a politician were to be caught having an adulterous relationship. Imagine how it would change that person's life, as well as the lives of the constituents, if the politician identified and acknowledged his unconscious commitments by saying, "From the evidence, I'm slowly beginning to realize that I'm committed to philandering, sexual betrayal, and lying. I also appear to be committed to getting caught. I'm committed to finding out if people will still like me after they find out I'm a bad boy." In practical reality, the act of claiming ownership of an unconscious commitment changes a troublesome dynamic in a relationship faster than anything else.

The second step of the art of commitment is to make commitments you can stand by. Real commitments can be made only about things you have control over. Real commitments are verifiable. If you make a phony commitment -- such as, "I promise to love you forever" -- you set up an impossible situation by promising an illusion. Nobody can commit to loving someone forever because some days you won't even wake up feeling loving toward yourself. Love is a mystery -- part feeling, part spirit, part mind -- and mysteries by their very nature are outside our control. A real commitment would be to commit to telling your partner the truth about when you're feeling loving and when you're not. This type of commitment saves relationships while turning on the flow of intimacy and creativity.

The Lasting Love program offers a specific set of commitments we've thoroughly tested with many couples. When couples make these commitments, their relationships thrive.

The Second Secret

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you have to become emotionally transparent. To go all the way to ultimate closeness and full creative expression, you must eliminate all barriers to speaking and hearing the truth about everything.

We teach couples how to listen to the truth about everything from their partners, and we teach them how to speak the truth about everything to their partners. Everything means everything: feelings, deeds, hopes, dreams. We ask them to consider any hesitation about telling or hearing the unvarnished truth to be a symptom of resistance to greater love and creativity.

We know this move is radical because it produces huge bursts of creative energy in everyone who tries it. As a practice, it has awesome power. As a concept, it quickly polarizes people -- we've seen talk show audiences erupt in cheers and boos when we've said couples need to tell the truth to each other about everything. After twenty-plus years, though, we've still found no exceptions to the truth rule.

The Third Secret

If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you must break the cycle of blame and criticism -- it's an addiction that saps creative energy as surely as drugs or drink.

We invite couples to turn their relationships into blame-free zones. We teach each partner to take full responsibility for everything that occurs in the relationship, especially if it looks like it's the other person's fault. Radical responsibility -- and the powerful creative energy it unleashes -- comes from catching yourself in the midst of saying, "Why did you do that to me again?" and shifting to, "What am I doing that keeps inviting that behavior?"

We ask couples to go on a strict no-blame diet and stick to it. As a practice, this move liberates tremendous energy. In fact, we've seen life-altering breakthroughs come about when couples simply went one full day without criticizing or blaming each other. As a concept, the idea of giving up blame and criticism is often greeted with derision. "Impossible," some say. "How boring," say others. We have found that it's actually possible and anything but boring. The couple who is deeply addicted to blame and criticism has usually come to mistake the adrenalized drama of conflict for the flow of connection. The idea of life without the adrenalin may seem dull and empty at first, much like a lifelong flagellant must feel that first day without the self-administered whip.

The Fourth Secret

If you want a vibrant long-term relationship -- one in which you feel close as a couple and creative as individuals -- you have to do something radical about your creativity. You have to take your attention away from fixing the other person and put it on expressing your own creativity. Even one hour a week of focusing on your own creativity will produce results. More than that will often produce miracles.

Nothing will sap your vital energy faster than squelching your creativity. Often, couples stifle their individual creativity in order to focus on fixing and changing the other person. Since this seldom produces tangible results, they devote more energy to the other person as a fixer-upper and less to individual creativity. When results are not forthcoming, they complain about the other person to third parties. They enter a dangerous cycle of complaint that has addictive properties -- the more you do it the more things there are to complain about. Ultimately this leads to dissipation of creative energy and inner despair.

By contrast, fully creative people don't have time for complaint. Even if you're not fully engaged in creativity (even, as our research indicates, if you're doing only an hour a week of creative expression), you will see quantum enhancement of vitality within the relationship with every increase in creative self-expression.

The Fifth Secret

If you want to create vital, long-lasting love, you must become a master of verbal and nonverbal appreciation.

We teach couples how to appreciate each other spontaneously and frequently. Although this may sound like a simple thing, it most definitely is not. In fact, it's the last thing we teach in the program because it's the hardest to learn. To utter a clear, heartfelt appreciation to another person is radical partly because it's so rare. To receive such an appreciation from another person is equally challenging. Most of us have never seen or heard a rich flow of spoken appreciations in relationships. In fact, many people cannot recall a single instance of clear appreciation in their families of origin.

The simple solution is to speak a heartfelt ten-second appreciation to the other person, for no reasons other than to signify a commitment to appreciation and to open the flow of appreciation. In other words, the spoken appreciation is not to get a particular result from the other person. In reality, it produces powerful results very quickly, but it is important that the appreciation not be spoken as a manipulation or in expectation of a reward.

We teach couples how to say simple and complex appreciations, ranging from "I like the way you did your hair today" to "Throughout our lives together, I have been repeatedly amazed by how generous you are." Although most couples can learn the art in an hour, they tell us that it takes the better part of a year's daily practice to savor its full value.

These five secrets have a revolutionary effect on any relationship in which they're practiced. The five secrets move people quickly through the stuck places so that they can enjoy the profound beauty of genuine love. We will have a great deal more to show you about these five secrets when we explore them in the chapters to come. First, though, let's go a little deeper, into what we mean by genuine love.

Reprinted from: Lasting Love: The 5 Secrets of Growing a Vital, Conscious Relationship, by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. © 2004 by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098.

Source: http://www.lifechallenges.org/door/Gay_Hendricks.html

To love a girl...

To love a girl...

• Is to see the picture of a beautiful place and immediately think of your girl because:
  a. You want to share the beauty of the picture with her.
  b. You want to visit the place with her.


• Is to find yourself putting up with an inconvenient situation, and thinking that, "If my girl was with me in this situation, I would not put up with it. I would change it at once so that she would not have to go through this inconvenience!"


• Is to be casually looking at cell phones for sale online, and then unconsciously picking and choosing handsets and plans for your girl, for the time "when she will be here."


• Is for your girl to be the last person you think of when you fall asleep, and the first person you think of when you wake up, no matter what the time to sleep or wake up is.


• Is to accept & assume without a second thought that you will start drinking coffee daily when your coffee-drinking girl is with you, although you are not a habitual coffee drinker, and have infact resisted picking up the habit until now.


• Is to decide that you will never drink and drive when she is with you, for the sake of her safety. And, not even when she is not with you, to save her the bother of you getting in trouble. You were the guy who never before hesitated to drive after a drink or two!


• Is to know simply and undeniably, without a sliver of doubt, that the celestial maiden Menaka herself would not be able to tempt you right now, if she were to appear in front of you, because you are committed to your girl.


• To be in a state of tense desperation, due to circumstances, yet showing a cool & quiet face to your girl, because you don't want her to feel pressurized or disturbed.


• Is for every cell of your being, your heart to want her to be close to you, yet you hold back on expressing any want because she needs time and space.


• Is to be a hard ass, a bad ass, even an asshole to the rest of the world, but to be a docile donkey to your girl, cuz you don't like to see her upset.


• Is to run out of ideas and energy when she is not in your life, but to be full of inspiration and prolific creativity when she is there with you.


• Is to want to be totally generous with her and not hold anything back.


• Is to prepare your furnitures, home, heart and all your immediate surroundings with her in mind, although she is thousands of miles away; to infuse the landscape you live in with thoughts of her, so that it reminds you of her and makes you miss her... although she has never seen that landscape herself.

PS: The above sentiments were recorded at different times in late June and early July 2007... except for the last point, which was expressed more recently.

21 Tips to my 21-year-old Self

I will be 31 very soon. If I could go back 10 years and meet my 21-year-old self, what advice would I impart to him based on the past 10 years of my life? The following for sure:

1. True love is built over a period of time, by two people who reciprocate the feelings and share many experiences together, both good and bad. That kind of relationship is worth your heart-break and heart-ache, if it does not eventually work out. A relationship in which you are the only person who is in love, while the other person does not reciprocate similar feelings, is not love in its true, real sense. It is just infatuation. Even if your feelings are extremely intense, sincere and earnest, it is still just infatuation. It is okay to feel a little disappointed and sad if such a one-way infatuation does not pan out, but it is certainly not worth your heart-break and heart-ache.


2. Even if the person reciprocates your feelings of sincere infatuation and affection, in their own way, but the two of you don't actually have a relationship, don't even call each other lovers or partners, don't spend time together, sharing the good things and the bad things which life has to offer, then it is not a true love relationship. It is just a two-way infatuation. If this does not turn into a true relationship, there is still no need to go through overwhelming heart-ache and heart-break. A little more disappointment and sadness is alright.


3. Never take more than three steps closer to someone you are interested in, without them reciprocating. In fact, the ideal situation is where both of you simultaneously, or at least alternatively, move closer towards each other taking one equal step at a time. But life is rarely ideal. You being a man, there will be many occasions when you have to take a few more steps closer to a woman, before she will take one step closer to you. Never let these 'few more steps' exceed three steps at any point of time. This is especially important at the beginning of the relationship when you barely know the woman. Don't throw yourself at her and pursue her unless she shows suitable interest and reciprocation. Of course, later on, when the loving partnership is steadily and firmly established, throw these calculations out the window and be totally generous and uncalculative with your beloved.


4. Women who don't express an interest in you during those first three steps, will almost never become interested in you later on. There seems to be an antenna in men and women, especially so in women, which subconsciously tells them very early on, whether they might pursue a relationship with someone. So, don't spend a lot of time and energy taking more than three steps towards someone who does not want to take even one step towards you. Don't think that you will not find love unless you work hard and take a lot of steps towards a lot of women. You don't need to. Repeat: YOU DON'T NEED TO.


5. You will come across women who will admire you and love you, simply for who you are, just for the way you normally live, talk and behave. With the woman who is right for you, you don't have to do anything different or extra, or put in a lot of hardwork and pain to make things work. Things will just work out naturally. All that you need to do is be yourself. Being yourself should include being sincere, being truthful, being clean and nice.


6. When a woman is interested in you, she will let you know. If she admires you or loves you, you will know. If she wants a relationship with you, that will become obvious to you soon enough. So, never ever deceive yourself with thoughts such as: "May be she will become interested in me, if I do this or that"; "May be she is interested in me, but just does not realize it herself"; "May be she wants me, but is simply not showing it"; "May be if I can convince her or just work a little harder, I can win her over"; etc.


7. You are smart, handsome, loving and love-able. There will be many women who think so. Even if you don't hear it from them aloud, you are all those things. So, don't pursue women, desperately seeking your own self-validation. Don't think that you are not handsome or love-able, just because someone you are infatuated with does not reciprocate your feelings. Don't think you are not all these things just because you don't have a girlfriend or a partner yet. There will be women who think you are all these and more, and who will love you for who you are. And, insha-allah, you will have that partner, who is right and perfect for you, who will admire and deserve all your good qualities, and will let you know that in no uncertain terms.


8. Value yourself, your personality, your feelings, your talents, your body. Do not throw them without restraint at every potential love interest. Remember that at the wooing stage, the more easily something is available, the less its perceived value is. By offering things to those who may not want it or seek it on their own, you are only devaluing those things. Don't spend a lot of time, energy and feelings in relationships which don't go anywhere either, or with people who you know will never be your long-term permanent lover-partner. In fact, don't spend any time or energy doing 'romantic' things with such people. Doing this also means de-valuing yourself. It is like throwing your highly valuable personal love into the trash can. You are wasting and throwing away something which actually belongs to your true love. Protect yourself, your time, your feelings, your energy. Keep them safe for the true love who will come into your life. Guard these things jealously for her.


9. Protect your virginity for your true love. It is okay to have pre-marital monogamous sex with your lover-partner, the person with whom you have a true, full-fledged (meaning steady and long-term sharing of life), loving relationship. It is definitely not okay with anybody else. Casual sex might be okay in theory, it might be okay for others. But it is not okay for you. It is an unclean and unhealthy food which won't suit your system nor your long-term health. Worse, it is addictive food; it will weaken your soul, and will cause considerable pain and drain on your emotions like all addictions. Just don't do it, regardless of the opportunities and temptations. You will regret if you do it. You will wish that you could go back in time and re-live your life, without letting yourself get into casual sex. Protect yourself.


10. Just as you have a responsibility to protect yourself, you also have a responsibility to protect other people whose paths will cross yours. Just as you might have weak moments in love and passion, they will too. Just as you will feel hurt and regret when things don't work out, they will too. Protect these nice people who come into your life, whose only mistake (if it can be called that) is to love you, admire you and care for you. Protect them from the hurt that you will cause them or they will cause to themselves. Be especially wary of hurting these nice people in the long-term, while you try to avoid short-term hurt. This is a trap you will fall into repeatedly because you want to be nice to these nice people. Nice is okay. But, be totally honest, open and truthful with them, even if hurts them (and you) in the short term. They will be protected in the long-term. They will admire you for your courage and integrity, if you do that.


11. This needs repeating again: You don't need to do anything to find true love. Just be yourself. Be nice, be clean and truthful, be sincere, be healthy, and above all, be happy and patient. Take all that time and energy you will put into romance and love, and put it into your career, education, hobbies and other interests, into social activities, into smiling. True love will find its way to you on its own. You don't need to do anything else.


12. After that typical Libran Lover brand long lecture about love and romance, let's turn to your career. You will get into a software job. That means, you will have opportunities to go abroad. That means, you need a passport. For god's sake go get it done AT ONCE. Don't be the fool who runs from once government office to another, dragging your father and uncle with you, when opportunity comes knocking and you need a passport in a hurry. Just get it done IMMEDIATELY.


13. The very first time you come to the US, you will want to stay here long-term. Only you won't define what long-term is. You will have some vague notion in your head of long-term being "at least two years or more". Well, guess what, you are going to end up staying here for well over six years. Incredibly, you will spend almost 5 of those years, without actually taking any concrete steps to build the right foundation for a career and for visa/greencard processing, which will both help you stay here for the long term! You will just spend those 5 years with your head buried in the sand of a dead-end job. It will be FIVE long years of no pay increments, while the company's stupid policies will bring in new, junior people who will work under you for higher pay, and the prospect of your work visa expiring at the end of 6 years, which will finally get your ass moving. Do yourself a favor, and start doing something at least at the end of your second year in the US.


14. It won't help your career to be a jack of all trades, and master of none. You will spend much of your career in roles which will give you good exposure to a lot of different things, but just not enough mastery or authority on any one thing. It is an undeniable reality in life that great performers even if it is in lesser jobs get more recognition and satisfaction, than average performers in bigger jobs. The best way to grow in a career is to consistently be a great performer, going from smaller to bigger roles.


15. If you want something in your career, just go get it. This is the exact opposite of the love advice, where you just have to be yourself and love will come to you. In the realm of the career, waiting for things to come to you, or for the company or your boss to give you what you want, will never work. You just have to get it yourself... even if it means quitting the job and getting a different one. Just be clear about what it is exactly that you want, then go get it.


16. Never spend more than 1 hour at work, browsing the Internet for news and technological developments. Make every one of the other 7 hours count for productive work or directly work-related knowledge gain.


17. Don't buy that house in early 2006. Wait until late 2007, when the real estate market in the US is even more in the doldrums, and it becomes a buyer's market with a lot more inventory waiting to be sold. And, don't buy the house until you can make 20% down payment. 10% is just not good enough.


18. Get all the features you want the house to have, right when you buy it. Don't let others talk you into thinking that you can add extra features (like tiled floor rather than the carpet) later on. The "later on" might never come.


19. Buy real tangible gifts for your parents and other family members. Avoid giving them money to buy what they want. They usually won't buy anything. One fine day, you will realize that you have been working for 10 years and not bought a single real gift to your parents, despite sending money for birthdays and such!


20. Don't stop hiking when your regular hiking partners stop. You will find that a year or more has passed by without you hiking a single time, and you are out of shape! Shameful. Get out and hike by yourself, or find new hiking friends and groups. There are plenty out there.


21. Smile more. Don't be lost in your own world when people are around you. Take more interest in them, socialize more.

Fuck You, sellers of love!

To everyone who sold to me the ideas about love and romance - Fuck You very much! To every romantic book, movie, song and story I've come across - Fuck You very much!

The one thing that has caused me the greatest pain, hurt, tears, humiliation, damage, loss, grief, frustration is love.

To love itself - Fuck You very very much!

A Simple Story of Intimacy….

Read this story on one of my reader's blogs, and had to share it with the rest of you guys.

You may read it here: A Simple Story of Intimacy…

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Or, you may read the story below.

"When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
Weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote,

I’ll carry you out every morning until death does us apart."

Love vs Justice & Pride

Zen Denizen asked the following question in the comments to my post Enough Love:

Do you believe love is stronger than justice and pride?

At first, I thought that she was asking if one has to choose between love versus justice and pride, what should be chosen. Re-reading the question and understanding it in simpler terms, she might simply be asking if love is more resilient than justice and pride. Whatever she meant to ask, I thought the answer to both questions would be interesting. So, here goes.


What is stronger? Love? Or, justice and pride?

I will answer the simpler question first: It doesn't take much to break justice and pride. One lie, one dishonest act can kill justice. One failure, one humiliation, one moment of humbleness can break pride. But true love is not so easy to break or kill. Love can go through many tests, trials and tribulations, many rejections and failures, and still survive. In that sense, love is much stronger than justice and pride.


Love vs Justice

Being in a position where you have to choose between love and justice is especially tough. The classic example is that of a law enforcement officer who catches his much-loved child in a criminal act. Should the officer succumb to love and let his child off the hook? Or should he treat the child as he would treat any other unknown criminal?

Given that justice is so much more fragile - all it takes is one lie or one dishonest act to kill justice - than love, I'd say that justice should be chosen if there is ever a conflict between love and justice. There is another (more) important reason to preserve justice: true love cannot be built and sustained over a foundation of injustice and lies. Love needs a strong foundation of justice and truth. A love that is chosen at the cost of truth, is a weakened love. It won't survive for long.


Love vs Pride

Pride is like cholesterol - there is good pride and there is bad pride. Excessive pride, false pride or a pride based on the insecurity of a person, is a sure killer of love. Such pride can kill love like an especially vile parasite. Such pride saps the health out of a good relationship.

On the other hand, complete lack of pride results in a weak individual and an unhealthy relationship. Love cannot be sustained by a weak individual, in an unhealthy relationship. Healthy pride is a symptom of self-confidence and a sense of self-worth. It is the mark of a well-balanced and secure individual. The kind of individual who can provide and share a secure, nourishing, nurturing love.


Summary

It can be very difficult and trying when we find ourselves in a position where we have to choose between love and justice / pride. In such a stressful situation, it is all too easy to make a short-sighted choice which appears to be in favor of love. However, a wise choice, is the one which will sustain both love and justice / pride, in the long run. Beware of a choice which requires you to sacrifice one thing or the other. I hope the above answers help us all make wise choices.

Enough Love

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer, no disease that enough love will not heal, no door that enough love will not bridge, no wall that enough love will not throw down, no sin that enough love will not redeem... It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble, how hopeless the outlook, how muddled the tangle, how great the mistake. A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all. If only you could love enough, you could be the happiest and most powerful being in the world...

- Emmet Fox

Getting Back into the Dating Scene

Before you misunderstand, no, I am not back in the dating scene. Sorry to disappoint ladies! ;-)

A nice lady who has been out of the dating scene for almost 10 years asked my advice on how she can get back into it. Here's my advice to her:

The best thing you can do right now is forget about dating, and concentrate on all the things which you are truly interested in, things you feel passionate about, things which bring you happiness, things that are not men. I feel that the best way to attract good people to ourselves is by being happy. When we are happy, people will come to us naturally. Some of those people will suck our happiness, some will share, some will increase our happiness. When you meet the person who increases your happiness, you know that you have found the person you want to date.

I am not really a believer in the 'dating techniques', rules, personal ads, being setup with someone, etc. I think that these are all market place techniques. I am not a market player. I am a Lover. And this is what I can tell you as a Lover.

I hope this helps.

Toughest in Love

Love is not always easy. As tough as love can get, there are two things which are the toughest in love.

1. Distance: This could mean being distant from the beloved geographically or emotionally. When you love someone, you want to be with them, close to them, sticking to them as much as you can. You want to be able to reach out to each other whenever you feel the need. You want to be able to see them. You want to be able to share with them, all the new or interesting or beautiful things you come across. You want to be so close as being two souls in one body, or one soul in two bodies. When we are distant from the beloved for whatever reasons, we feel like a body without a soul, like half a person. We don't live our life fully. Our thoughts and emotions, our heart and soul, are always away, in some other place, searching and reaching for the beloved. Geographical distance is quite tough. Tougher than that is when the beloved is right there in front of us or talking to us everyday, and yet emotionally far from us, not sharing the love with us.

2. Letting go: The other thing which is really tough in love is letting go. When we love, we have lots of desires, hopes, dreams. When the person we love does not share the same desires, hopes and dreams, we have to let go of ours. We can't force the other person to go against their heart. We can't talk them into it or persuade them. We just have to let go. Letting go of our own desires and dreams, to subjugate them to the desires and well-being of our beloved, letting go of the beloved, just simply letting go without getting anything in return is the greatest act of love. And it's also the toughest.

Vulnerability in Love

When a man is in love, he is extremely vulnerable. The lady he is in love with can literally wrap him around her finger. It pleases a man to bring pleasure to his lady, even if it means she has him wrapped around her finger.

The only problem is that, by nature, men are not comfortable being vulnerable. From a very young age, everything they do is aimed at making them invulnerable or at least hiding their vulnerability effectively. True success among men is not measured by money or power, but by how invulnerable a man is to everyone and everything in his life. The less vulnerable a man is, the more successful, safe and content he feels.

So, it is not easy for us to be vulnerable to the women we love. But we can't help it. It is the nature of love to make us vulnerable to those we love. To be in love is to expose our heart and soul to the greatest hurt possible. As such, it is really important to be careful about who we fall in love with.

There are some women who don't respect this vulnerability in men. They think it makes men silly, less masculine. Such women don't value the feels of their men.

Then there are women who use the vulnerability for their own ends, to get what they want. They feel a sense of power by seeing their men being vulnerable to them. Such women are dangerous and to be avoided.

The kind of woman a man should fall for understands his vulnerability. She is touched by it, and she loves him for it. She knows that it is not something which comes easily to a man, and she does not see it as something less masculine. She considers his vulnerability as a big proof of his love for her. Such a woman knows to take the man in her arms and comfort him and let him know that is is okay to be vulnerable with her. She knows to inspire him and encourage him to achieve greater things, because at times of vulnerability, men are very susceptible to suggestions. Such women are not easy to find. Even if a man is lucky enough to find such a woman, she is usually a handful to love and live with.

But the fact is that, a difficult woman who will encourage us and keep us on the right path, is always much more valuable than an easy woman who might lead us and let us go astray. The former is worth every bit of the hardwork we might have to put in for her.

Dharma-Patnī

Today, I learnt something amazing. I was re-reading the dialog between Krishna and Uddhava on love and lust. I came across this passage:

'Remember what the Gods did in the days of old,' continued Krishna. 'They had to offer sacred Purusha to make creating possible. Without a sacrificial offering, you cannot create anything,' said Krishna as if speaking to himself. 'If you want a woman, you have to offer something: a present, a house to live in, lifelong protection. But in that way you will only get a woman, her body, her services. The offering however is like sacrificing ghee or barley or a lamb to obtain a place in heaven. If you want a divinity to inspire you to Dharma and multiply your strength a hundredfold, you must offer something vastly greater. Have not the Gods said: 'By the spirit of sacrifice alone shall sacrifice prosper?'

Reading that, led to great epiphany!

The above passage is from a dialog in which Krishna explains to Uddhava, the difference between love and lust. In the above passage, Krishna goes deeper still to discern an ordinary wife from a wife, who is a spiritual partner forever, who is a co-traveller on the road of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa*, who is a true Dharma-Patnī.

Krishna says that an ordinary wife is obtained by offering a present, a house to live in, life long protection. But to get a Dharma-Patnī, one has to offer 'something vastly greater'.

It is impossible to offer something vastly greater to someone barely known, as in an arranged marriage situation. Even in a marriage where the couple have known each other before the wedding and fallen in love, it is extremely rare that they would go through experiences which cause them to make this offer of something vastly greater. In most marriages, such experiences and realizations come much after the wedding, after the couple have gone through many ups and downs together. That is why, the older generations of Indians, who mostly went through arranged marriages, used to say that love is something that happens after marriage.

In an ideal arranged marriage, the groom's family choose a girl who has the potential to become an ideal Dharma-Patnī. Then, the couple go through life together, sharing the pains and pleasures, and hopefully discovering that which would get them to truly commit to something vastly greater.

All my life, I have sought exactly that kind of a Dharma-Patnī, a partnership where we are both committed to something vastly greater than our individual selves, a partnership that would inspire us on the path of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa, and increase our combined strength a hundredfold.

When I found such a person, I was not ready, so I could not make the proper sacrifice. I had to go through a lot of pain, through a purifying fire, to be ready to participate in this sacrifice. Now, by the grace of the Goddess, I am ready to offer that something vastly greater, to participate in this yajña with my Dharma-Patnī.

Unfortunately, my actions of the past have caused her to not be ready now. So, I have to wait for her to have a similar realization, before we can do this yajña together. Hopefully, her realization will come soon and with no pain. Until then, I shall keep myself pure and committed to her.



*Incidentally, there is a reason why dharma (Dharma), artha (wealth), kāma (lust) and mokṣa (liberation) are usually written in that order. The idea is that the pursuit of artha and kāma must always happen within the limiting bounds of dharma and mokṣa!