The following tips are for women who want to avoid troubles with men whom they don't want in their lives. Most women know several men whom they don't want in their lives, with whom they would like interaction to be zero or nil. I hope the following tips, from a man's perspective, will help them avoid troubles with such men.
The post starts with some introductory spiel and theoretical lecture about men and how they feel and think. I urge you to read it. If you don't want to wade through all that blah-blah, and want to get straight to the tips to avoid man troubles,
click here.
The
Streets, stories, strategies blog post and the comments on that post reminded me once again of the numerous and diverse strategies and tactics women use to avoid unwarranted attention and action from men. Most women pick up these tricks from their friends and older female relatives / acquaintances. Some of these are learnt through bitter and traumatic personal experience. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be a course or institute to teach these skills and crafts to young girls who are growing up and venturing out into the big bad world. Of course, the fact that it is even necessary for women to know these tactics to protect themselves from the male members of their own species, is highly regrettable.
I am not writing this to share regrets or outrage or any other emotion. My intention is to share the simple and straight facts about the male psyche, in realistic and pragmatic terms. I think the fact that I am
just another guy qualifies what I say below as coming straight from the proverbial horse's mouth.
There are times when I am amazed by the naivete among some women about matters concerning men. At other times, I am surprised by some of the opinions and theories that women in general, and feminists in particular, have about men. Given the fact that men and women have been together in the world for as long as they have existed, you would think that they know and understand each other well. Surprisingly, that doesn't seem to be the case. In my opinion, that makes humans one of the stupidest species alive... Only slightly better than the
black widow spider's mate, who risks his life in order to copulate.
The purpose of the following material is to help women understand men better. A secondary purpose is to help women to avoid some of the troubles that men might present them with. I hope such understanding will lead to safer and healthier relationships - both romantic and otherwise. As mentioned before, I am being very realistic and pragmatic in what I write below. While writing the truth, I won't pander to any sensitivities or prejudices or social / moral expectations. I am not going to talk about whether something is right or wrong. I won't say how things ought to be. I just present how things simply
are. I ask my readers - especially the feminine readers - to read this with an open mind. Remember, our objective here is to understand, not to pass judgments.
Disclaimer: As always, there are exceptions to what I say below. Obviously,
all of the following are
not true for all the men. And certainly, all of these are not true for me personally either. However, I believe that
most of the following are true for the
average young active male psyche. Your mileage and experience with a particular male specimen might vary.
The Male LibidoFor the most part, the male libido is an involuntary function. Men don't have too much control over what or who will turn them on and who won't. If they feel it, they feel it. That's that. The only way to inhibit such involuntary function is through very deep, consistent conditioning. An example of such conditioning for most of us is to not have sexual feelings towards women who are closely related to us - our sisters, mother, aunts, etc. Other than such conditioning, there is not much a man can do about how he feels towards certain women. It is important to keep this in mind.
Women - especially younger ones - sometimes think that men (whom they don't like) are so wrong for simply feeling something towards them. They think that men have control over such feelings and should therefore regulate what they feel. I am telling you that for the most part, men don't have control over such feelings, and so they
can't stop them.
Having said that, I should also mention here that men can and should control what they do about such feelings.
They may not be able to do much about what they feel, but they should be able to regulate how they act on such feelings. The feelings may not be voluntary, but actions certainly are. Related read:
"Is it my fault that I felt like kissing in the temple?"The Male PurposeThe most deeply ingrained, instinctive, oldest male purpose is common for human males and countless other species:
copulate as often as possible with as many females as possible. This is simply biological programming designed to increase the chances of survival of a species. Everything about a male's body and most things about his mind have evolved over centuries to achieve this goal.
Most things about our social rules and expectations today have evolved precisely in the opposite direction: to prevent a man from having indiscriminate sex with many women. Most people don't stop to consider what a humonguous and remarkable achievement this is. It is an achievement that undoubtedly has women's signature on it. Feminist types love to complain that it is still a man's world out there and that women are not getting what's due to them. Well, I have something to tell them: if society had evolved to purely serve the interests of men, it would be one big orgy party where men would play, drink and have sex as much as they wanted, with whoever they wanted.
Getting voting rights for women? Getting equal status for women? These are not big achievements compared to what women have already achieved in our society: getting a large number of sexually active men to live, walk, work in close proximity to a large number of women, in relative peace, harmony and decency; convincing most men that they should have just one mate at a time, preferably one mate for an entire lifetime. Considering that an average healthy male involuntarily thinks of sex once every few waking minutes or so, and he has several erections a day, and considering that his most deeply programmed instinct is to have sex as often as possible with as many women as possible, this is not a small achievement. It's humonguous and remarkable, alright!
While women did this, men have not been sitting idle. They constantly experience a struggle within themselves - a struggle between their instinctive biological urge and their desire/expectation to experience an ideal monogamous relationship. While this epic battle goes on within their selves everyday, they have come up with some complex, subtle, symbolic, stylized and remarkable ways of demonstrating their own worthiness to mate to the women they are interested in. These include sports, arts, finances, literature, etc. This has helped men explore and evolve other aspects of their personalities, than merely their balls and their strong arms.
This is as it should be. It balances things out between men and women. Any species can indulge in mere copulation with multiple partners. But the human monogamous relationship, enables us to experience more - a whole new range and depth of feelings, challenges, pleasures and pains in relationships, all of which (hopefully) help us live a more enhanced life experience.
To summarize: The male instinct for multiple and frequent sexual experiences is very strong and ingrained. In every man, there is a constant struggle between this biological instinct, and the psycho-social desires/expectations of experiencing an ideal monogamous relationship. Sometimes one instinct wins, sometimes the other does - in the same man, in one lifetime, sometimes even in
one day!
The Mixed SignalsWhen things are simple, communication is simple. For species which just follow their simple biological instincts, signals and communications are simple, unambiguous. When we stop following our instincts, things get a little more complex. Our biology causes our body to behave in a certain way, our mind wants us to do something else. Result: mixed signals. Part of our mind wants to follow the body's needs, part of the mind wants to live as per the socially established norms. Result: mixed signals. Different people/genders want to follow their body's instincts to different extents. Result: mixed signals. Mixed signals lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings.
The mixed signals women give is one of the most frustrating things for men. I don't know if women are aware that they give mixed signals. Women - especially the younger ones - will quite often deny that they are doing so. But the effectiveness of communication is measured by how well the recipient understood it and acted on it. If a guy's understanding of a woman's signals are different from what she expected, the communication was not right somewhere.
Women are notorious for sending mixed signals. Some of the examples include: indulging in 'innocent flirting', trying to be 'just friends', going on dinner / drink / dance dates with men when they have no intention of taking the relationship any further ever, fishing for compliments from men, etc.
Women cannot be blamed for a lot of the mixed signals, though they are certainly guilty in some cases. A lot of times, mixed signals happen due to the complexity resulting from conflicting instincts and desires within the same person, and between the man and the woman.
For women, the most important key to avoiding man troubles, is to avoid sending mixed signals.Avoiding Man TroublesDisclaimer 1: Most of what I write below is limited to avoiding trouble with men who are known to women, with whom women have regular and/or frequent interaction. There is not much advice I can offer on avoiding trouble with strangers on streets, buses, trains, etc. except one: physically avoid them as much as possible; avoid being in close proximity to them; avoid drawing their attention. It depends on each individual woman and her circumstances to decide how much of this avoidance is possible, how such avoidance affects her life, etc.
Disclaimer 2: If you look at what is written below in its entirety, it may appear as if I am offering tips for a society which is totally segregated on gender. Not quite! This is just a list of tips for various situations. It is upto each woman to choose and use what is useful for her unique circumstances. I can't imagine any woman or situation needing all of the tips below. I certainly don't encourage any type of gender-based segregation or distance. There is enough of that already in the world.
Disclaimer 3: Several readers seemed to think that I am recommending the usage of the following tips with all men. It is
definitely not so. These tips are only for those occasions when there is some guy, who seems to be interested in you, but you want to have nothing to do with him and you want to keep him off. In all other situations, in comfortable platonic relationships and even with neutral strangers, feel free to be your nice and friendly self.
Women can have unwanted trouble with men in all kinds of situations - with strange men as well as with familiar ones, on the street, in the work place, at home, in social situations, etc. Almost any place where men and women interact, there is potential for trouble. Most of these troubles can be avoided with some simple, pragmatic measures. One of the biggest reasons for trouble is sending mixed signals. A lot of the tips I offer below are designed to reduce or eliminate mixed signals.
- Physical space and physical contact: Always be aware of the physical space between you and the undesired man, and keep a respectful distance. Avoid physical contact, if possible. Physical space and physical contact depend to a large extent on cultures. For example, in some cultures, a casual hug between a man and woman is not a big deal, where as in other cultures, there is no concept of a casual hug. So, be aware of your cultural context, keep the appropriate distance. Watch out for men who use the cultural difference to 'innocently' touch you (Shilpa Shetty & Richard Gere kissing controversy). Anytime there is accidental contact, apologize and draw back at once. This advice is easy to follow with strangers or acquaintances or even colleagues. But it is with friends that you should really tap into your feminine instincts and judgment: "When I touch this male friend's arm casually in the course of a conversation, is it a friendly touch or will he consider it as a woman's sensual touch?" You are the best person to judge.
- Sharing a roof: This is another aspect of sharing the physical space with a man. Sometimes, you may end up sharing a roof with a man - as roommates or when staying over at a friend / relative's home. Needless to say, if you are not comfortable with a man and want to avoid him, don't stay in the same house as him. Not even for one night. When you do share the house with a man, it is even more important to be aware of the physical space. Absolutely do not share a bedroom, let alone a bed, unless you want to go all the way with the guy. Get a room with a secure bolt/lock, and close the door securely when you sleep or change. Try to have your own bathroom too, if possible. Avoid one-man-one-woman type of a living situation, if you can. It helps to have more roommates, at least one other girl in the house apart from you. Unless you are really brave and confident of handling the guys, don't end up in situations where there's more than one guy in the house and you are the sole girl, not even if one of the guys is your boyfriend or partner. It is worth repeating again what I said earlier: if you want to avoid troubles with a man, don't stay in the same house as him.
- Dinner, drinks and dancing: In the modern world, dinner, drinks and dancing have become formal aspects of the courting/mating ritual. Unless you are open to possibilities with a guy, don't go out for dinner or drinks or dancing with him. Do not use a guy to buy you drinks and dinner, unless you are willing to put out for him. Even if the guy is a close friend, avoid these things... you'll have man trouble with a close friend, which are pretty bad things to go through. In fact, if you are not interested in a guy, you should avoid meeting him alone, if at all possible.
- Meeting alone: If you are not interested in a guy, try not to meet him alone as much as possible. Sometimes meeting alone cannot be avoided. Nevertheless, there are many precautions you can take. Keep the meeting short and on topic. Avoid meeting alone in personal places like his or your home. Meet in public. If it's to be a meeting with a colleague or client have it in the office or conference room, rather than in a social setting such as a restaurant, if it's a guy you want to avoid. Do not have one-on-one meetings with colleagues or clients during your personal time. Meet during the day, rather than in the evening or night. This is another tip which needs to be used with extra judiciousness with male 'friends'.
- Being friends with men: Talking of male friends, know that it is not easy for men to be friends with women. Remember that men's most basic instinct is to mate with you. Men may be interesting and fun company to hang out with, they may give you great advice, they may have an awesome sense of humor, they may be of much help to you - all the qualities you like in a good friend. But their strongest basic instinct prevents most men from being ideal friendship material. There is a popular saying among those who believe that friendship between men and women is simply not possible: "A male friend is a guy who does not know how to close". The "close" usually refers to: sexual consummation or to "fuck or fly" (have sex or break off the relationship and go away) or to "fuck and fly" (have sex and then break off the relationship). I know it sucks for many women that men can't be "just friends", but that is how it is. Now, I won't say that men and women should not be friends. But if a woman wants to be friends with a man, she should be very aware of the men's basic instinct at all times, be extra careful not to send mixed signals at any time, always be consistent in her behavior with him, not encourage any behavior or approach which is over-friendly or more than friendly, and basically follow all the tips in this section. Just don't let the guy think at any time that he might have a chance with you. And, if he does not play by the rules of friendship and tries to get too close, break off the friendship. Believe me, breaking off the friendship is much less painful than dealing with man troubles from someone you considered a friend. Just break it off. And for god's sake do not use him as an intellectual whore.
- Intellectual whores: Do not use men as intellectual whores. You don't like it if men treat you as a physical whore, if they use you for only physical pleasure and then leave, if they don't show you proper emotional respect and value. So, why do you think men would like it if you used them for only your intellectual pleasure: their smart conversation, fun company, sane advice, timely help? This happens too often. I think, women use men intellectually more often than men use women for physical pleasure. Intellectual (and even physical) whoring might be okay if both the people want only that and nothing more. But that's not often the case. As I have said countless times already, a man's basic instinct is to have sex. Most guys who allow themselves to become your intellectual toy, are doing so with the hope that they will get a piece of your ass in return. Or your love. Or both. Believe me, it's as hurtful and bad when a woman treats a man as an intellectual whore, as it is when a man treats a woman as a physical whore. Don't do it. Men may be bad in a lot of ways, but they don't deserve to be used any more than you do. The only exception to this are cases where both people want the same thing - physical or intellectual give-and-take.
- Innocent flirting: Now, there are many instances when women think that they are not using a man or anything of the sort, they are just flirting innocently. Well, for starters, there is no such thing as innocent flirting. All flirting is mental foreplay. Now, as a woman, you might be quite content with limiting yourself to the mental realms, but a man is not. A man always wants more. When you flirt with a man, he reads it as a signal of interest to get physical with him. Even in the rare situations when he does not read it as such, even in situations where you make it abundantly clear that you are only being funny and having mental fun, the man cannot control his feelings. Remember what I said earlier about his feelings being involuntary? A flirting woman is a siren call to a man's libido. So, unless you are really interested in a man and there is a possibility of things going further, don't flirt with him. And, don't let him flirt with you. Men's egos can be blind. For most men, your flirting with him is almost right up there with simply letting him flirt with you. If you just let him flirt without flirting back, he will think that you like his flirting and you like him! He will also think that you are just being coy or shy, and he will flirt more, trying even harder to get you to react to him. So, if you are not interested in the man, put an end to flirting, from both sides, period.
- Seeking attention / affirmation: Sometimes women flirt, not for the fun of it, but because they are seeking attention or affirmation of their feminity. If they are not getting enough attention from their regular partners or even if they are getting the attention, but they are simply bored with it, they will seek it elsewhere. For women (and for men), compliments or attention from someone who is not their partner or who does not love them or who is not familiar to them, always has more weight. Now, it might be okay to seek or get this once in a while. But if you are doing this constantly, there is something wrong with your relationship and you should take care of that first. And, if you are doing this constantly with one guy, you are giving him signals that you are interested in him. So, unless you are really interested in him and you are willing to do something about it, don't fish for compliments or seek attention from a man. Doing so is a sure-fire way of attracting some massive man trouble. This also goes for giving him attention and compliments. This too is alright once in a while. But don't over-do it. In fact, if you really want to avoid a man, don't even laugh at his jokes!
- Laughing at a man's jokes: A lot of people don't know this, but humor is one of the most effective courting tools. It is far easier to win someone's attention and affection with humor, than with any amount of intense and sincere declarations of love and passion. So, men do often use humor as a fishing hook with women. And humor is also one of the most effectively disguised tactics. Most women don't notice it. It flies right under their radar, they laugh and laugh at the guy's jokes and before they know it, they have a man on their hands. Yeah! What I just said might seem like too much of an exaggeration, right? Surely, laughing at someone's joke can't be so bad. If you don't believe me, read this: Laughter paves the way for romance. Convinced? Now, it may seem too restrictive to suggest that you not laugh at a man's jokes, and I am not suggesting that. Go ahead, laugh at a man's jokes. Just be aware of the possible effects and consequences. And more importantly, if you want to avoid a man or don't like him, just don't laugh at his jokes. He will get the signal. It's as simple as that.
- Being a cocktease: Having talked of using a man intellectually, flirting, seeking attention, giving attention and laughing at a man's jokes, how can we not mention a cocktease? These are all typical tools of the trade for the cocktease. All I can tell a woman on this subject: Don't be a cocktease. If you are, you deserve every bit of man trouble that comes your way. Cuz, you are asking for it!
- Relationship line crossing: One of the most common ways for most relationships to start is by crossing the lines of one relationship to another. A classmate crosses over to become a date, a friend crosses over to become a partner, a colleague crosses over... let's not go there! Crossing relationship lines is not bad in itself. But if you don't want to get in trouble with a man, it helps to be aware of the lines which define the relationship and not let him cross it. Men are instinctively programmed to cross lines - they have been crossing all sorts of lines for centuries, creating all kinds of problems. They do so in relationships also, always pushing, pushing, pushing to see how far they can go. If you don't want to have troubles with a man, just put an end to all pushing, decisively and effectively the first time he tries it. Simply don't let it happen. Noticing when he is trying to cross the line may not be very easy - many times it's disguised. Even more difficult to watch out for are the times when you might inadvertently cross the line sending the wrong signal. The most difficult to detect and stop is the crossing of relationship lines when a relationship ends. Suppose two people who were dating, decide to break it off. When they do that, they draw a line, a boundary, which neither person should ever cross. But in such situations, both people frequently cross the lines, causing confusions, mixed signals, and much hurt. Unless both of them want to give each other a second chance, they should be very careful not to cross any lines themselves or let the other person cross the lines. Post-breakup is the worst for mixed signals. And, mixed signals are so easy to give - sometimes a wrong signal could be sent merely by the clothes you wear!
- Dressing with a purpose: This is so basic and something I should not have to tell women. But unfortunately, a lot of women can get this wrong. Just remember that it is not only important to look attractive in what you wear, it is also important to have a purpose to what you wear. Sure, you might look very attractive in a top which shows a lot of cleavage, but what is the purpose of wearing it to work? Do you really want to distract your male colleagues? Always be conscious of where you are going and what type of dress will be appropriate for the place and occasion. This is especially important if you are going to meet a guy alone - the way you dress sends very strong signals, even if he does not read them consciously, his instinctive libido will.
Those are the tips I could think of this morning. If I come up with more, I will update this post.
These tips are based on common-sense and my perceptions as a guy. They are based on how I feel guys think and behave, and how women can end up giving us mixed signals. The above tips will avoid your giving out mixed signals to guys and having some unwanted man trouble on your hands. I hope that you can choose them appropriately for your situation and use them effectively.
Now, if you are really looking for a man or trouble (is there a difference? :-)), by all means go ahead and good luck to you!
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