Thou Art Goddess!

Recently, there was a discussion among a few friends about why Rama and Sita are considered an ideal couple in Indian culture and heritage. One Indian friend, who I think is born and brought up here in the US, had something interesting to say. He found it fascinating that Sita addressed her husband Rama as 'Dev', meaning God. Perhaps, he must have read that in a story book or seen it in a movie or TV program based on the popular Ramayana. My friend thought it was very special that they had such a high mutual regard and respect, and that they held one another and their own selves to such high honor.

Being born and brought up in India, I had never given much thought to this manner of addressing between the couples in our ancient stories. After all, I have seen many movies and read countless stories in which the wife addresses her husband as 'Dev' and the husband addresses his wife as 'Devi' (Goddess). So, I had become blind to that. Now, I wish, I hope that when I am eventually married, I can wake up every morning, kiss my wife, look her in the eyes and declare, "Thou art Goddess". I think such a powerful daily affirmation would go a long way in making us and our shared life so much better. And, I would have no choice but to be a matching God.

PS: For those who might think this is just so much empty sentiment, I have an anecdote to share. I once participated in a group ritual, at the beginning of which, the priest and the priestess who were leading the ritual, performed a simple act of affirmation and purification. They made all the attendees pass before them in a line and as each attendee stood before the priest or the priestess, s/he would anoint his/her forehead with cool sacred water, and embrace them with much affection and acceptance while quietly declaring with a whisper, "Thou art God / Goddess". That simple act was so powerful in immediately centering us, making us receptive to and feel worthy of the spirituality of the ritual that was to follow. I was amazed by how effective it was.

We'll never understand women!

From the Marketplace radio program on NPR, the episode dated July 31st, 2008 (emphasis mine):

Professors at Villanova University gathered a group of college-aged women together and showed them ads featuring thin models. Then, as thanks for participating, the women were offered a pack of Oreo cookies. The overwhelming majority said no to the cookies, but they did say they would buy the brands and products that the ads featured.

One researcher said the analysis went something like this: That thin models make women feel bad about themselves, but they like it, and that ads using normal-sized models didn't affect womens' body image, but they didn't like the brands and products that those ads featured either.

This is the reason why us normal men will never understand women. Something makes them feel bad about themselves. So, they like it? They're crazy, man!

Testosterone & Being a Man

On Saturday, I listened to a fascinating program on NPR radio station about the male hormone testosterone. The piece was an episode of This American Life series produced by Chicago Public Radio.

The segment of the program I found to be most interesting was the experience of Griffin Hansbury, a man who used to be a woman and underwent sex-change. One of the steps in his sex-change process was to get injected with the male hormone testosterone. She - who is now a he - talked about how the increased testosterone levels made her/his view of the world go through a paradigm shift. He describes how much his thought processes when approaching women changed from what they were "before T" to "after T" (his phrases). Griffin used to be a lesbian woman before T, and during those days, when he saw another woman he was attracted to, his mind would go through a whole narrative sequence on how he should approach the woman and get to know her based on her interests and personality. After T, when he saw a woman he felt attracted to, before any coherent thought even had a chance to form, his mind would be flooded with "pronographic images" involving that woman! In other words, he experienced what it is to be a man.

I thought it was very cool that one person could experience sexual attraction as both a woman and a man in one life time. As I listened to his experiences, it hit me that he was able to know what men go through only because of his testosterone treatment, and almost no other woman (except for rare exceptions) will ever know how men really feel about sex, and why we act the way we do.

If just testosterone could cause such a difference in the personality, imagine how much more differences there must be due to all the other things which go into determining our genders. Men and women might belong to the same species as far as biology goes, but in many aspects of psychology, we might as well be totally different animals.

You can listen to the full episode by visiting this page: 220: Testosterone. If you want to listen to just the segment I am commenting about, you may move the slider of the audio player to the 15-min mark and you should be all set.

Lessons in Mistakes for Alpha Males

Making Mistakes

• Everybody in the tribe makes mistakes. The Alpha Male might make a big mistake. He has big responsibilities, big authority, big power. So, it is natural for him to be in a position where he might make big mistakes.



• The biggest mistake the Alpha Male can make is to think that he is a worse person because he made a big mistake. How big a mistake a person makes is not necessarily proportional to how bad a person he is. The Alpha Male must always remember that he made a big mistake because he is a big person with big responsibilities.

Admitting Mistakes

• The Alpha Male must be brutally honest with himself in admitting his mistakes and the causes for the mistake. Admitting his mistakes to others is a different matter.



• The Alpha Male must admit mistakes to others only if such admission is necessary for rectifying the mistake or for healing the hurts caused by his mistake or for teaching a lesson to others so that they don't make the same mistake. Otherwise, the Alpha Male should not admit mistakes to others.



• The tribe does not follow the Alpha Male because he makes mistakes and admits to them. The tribe follows the Alpha Male because he corrects mistakes and takes the tribe forward.



• While admitting the mistake might appear honest and honorable, most tribe members will see it merely as a weakness. It takes some maturity to recognize honor in the admission of mistakes, and most followers don't have that maturity.

Rectifying after Mistakes

• The first step to rectifying a mistake is for the Alpha Male to remember that he is the Alpha Male. He is the Do-er of Things. He is the Fixer. He is not a smaller person or a bad person just because he made the big mistake.



• Alpha Males can be hard on themselves, expecting to always do the best. So, when they make a mistake, they might spend time and energy brooding on it, beating themselves up. This is not productive. The Alpha Male should give only as much thought and energy to mistakes, as it is necessary to learn the causes and contributing factors of the mistakes, and learn what it takes to rectify the mistake.



• The Alpha Male should not allow himself to be defeated just because he made a mistake. The mistake might prove that he is not the smartest or the strongest, but he is still the Alpha Male. He should not give up his power and authority to others just because he made a mistake.



• If the Alpha Male is indeed broken or defeated by a mistake, and he is not able to correct it or lead the tribe, he should step down and let someone more capable take over. There is nothing more pathetic or dangerous than a person who is no longer the Alpha Male, but who is pretending to be one or trying to futilely to hold on to the title.



• By all means let the Alpha Male listen to other wise members of the tribe for advice on correcting the mistake. But what he does with such advice is his own decision and responsibility. He should execute the rectifications with his own power, as his own actions. He should be careful not to give up his power and authority to those who advice him in the time of his defeat or mistake.



• This is worth repeating: Mistakes and defeats do not make or break the Alpha Male. The Alpha Male is made or broken by what is in his heart, his head and in his balls.

Mistakes and Women

• One of the worst mistakes the Alpha Male can make is one involving a woman - doing something wrong to her or doing something wrong with her or doing something wrong because of her. The Alpha Male should take special precautions not to mix up mistakes and women.



• Most women follow the Alpha Male for the same reason the rest of the tribe does: because he is the Alpha Male, because he is the Do-er, the Fixer, the Leader. They admire and love him for the same reasons. Not because he makes mistakes or admits to them.



• The Alpha Male might feel the need to have some person with whom he can let down his guard, freely admit his weaknesses and mistakes, be vulnerable. He must be careful about whom he chooses to do these with. Doing all these with a woman does not necessarily make him the cute love-able puppy to her.



• The Alpha Male is better off having an older trustworthy mentor for letting down his guard, admitting his weakness and mistakes, and being vulnerable. Ideally, such a mentor is not a direct follower of the Alpha Male and is somewhat removed from the rest of the tribe.



• There is a rare woman who can see every weakness of the Alpha Male, still recognize that he is the Alpha Male, support and help him to overcome those weaknesses, and love and respect him at the end of it all. The Alpha Male who has such a woman in his life is very lucky. Such a woman will be one of the main strengths which make him the Alpha Male.

Vulnerability in Love

When a man is in love, he is extremely vulnerable. The lady he is in love with can literally wrap him around her finger. It pleases a man to bring pleasure to his lady, even if it means she has him wrapped around her finger.

The only problem is that, by nature, men are not comfortable being vulnerable. From a very young age, everything they do is aimed at making them invulnerable or at least hiding their vulnerability effectively. True success among men is not measured by money or power, but by how invulnerable a man is to everyone and everything in his life. The less vulnerable a man is, the more successful, safe and content he feels.

So, it is not easy for us to be vulnerable to the women we love. But we can't help it. It is the nature of love to make us vulnerable to those we love. To be in love is to expose our heart and soul to the greatest hurt possible. As such, it is really important to be careful about who we fall in love with.

There are some women who don't respect this vulnerability in men. They think it makes men silly, less masculine. Such women don't value the feels of their men.

Then there are women who use the vulnerability for their own ends, to get what they want. They feel a sense of power by seeing their men being vulnerable to them. Such women are dangerous and to be avoided.

The kind of woman a man should fall for understands his vulnerability. She is touched by it, and she loves him for it. She knows that it is not something which comes easily to a man, and she does not see it as something less masculine. She considers his vulnerability as a big proof of his love for her. Such a woman knows to take the man in her arms and comfort him and let him know that is is okay to be vulnerable with her. She knows to inspire him and encourage him to achieve greater things, because at times of vulnerability, men are very susceptible to suggestions. Such women are not easy to find. Even if a man is lucky enough to find such a woman, she is usually a handful to love and live with.

But the fact is that, a difficult woman who will encourage us and keep us on the right path, is always much more valuable than an easy woman who might lead us and let us go astray. The former is worth every bit of the hardwork we might have to put in for her.

Marriage questions

A few months ago, the NY Times published a set of 15 Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.

I am nowhere close to getting married now. But as an intellectual exercise, I thought it would be interesting to answer these questions now, and then see how I will answer these questions when I am actually getting married. After all, I am answering these questions alone now, and when I am closer to getting married, I will be answering these with somebody else. So, here are the questions and my answers to them.

Q: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Yes, we will have children. The mother will be the primary care giver. I will be the primary bread earner.

Q: Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Yes, we have three financial goals:
1. Use our money to ensure a comfortable living, to express our love by buying things which will please each other, and provide security to both of us.
2. Use our money to keep our children educated and healthy.
3. Use our money to provide for a secure retirement - this is an extension of the first, I guess.

Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? We will trust and support each other's judgment, of course. We will both be sensible for the most part... With an occasional bout of impulsiveness to delight and excite each other. I mean, how can I resist an expensive necklace, if that will delight her to the point of seducing me wearing the necklace and nothing else that evening? Or a trip to a beautiful place to make everlasting romantic memories?

Q: Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

The house will be clean. That's the primary thing. Since I expect to be the primary bread winner, I guess my wife will be the primary manager of the house itself. She will decide what goes where, what color, what decor, what brand of paper towels, etc. I will help her (or bother her! ;-)) when she cooks, cleans, does the dishes. We will also have special days and nights when I'll play master chef.

Q: Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

We will. My full physical history is more or less disclosed. The final tests are awaited. I don't have any history of mental issues.

Q: Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

This will be a certain "yes". If not, if there are any doubts, there is no point getting married, is there? It makes me happy when my partner is happy with my affections.

Q: Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Yes, of course. It's nice to be able to do that.

Q: Will there be a television in the bedroom?

No, of course, not. In the bedroom, all our attention will be on sleep... or on each other! ;-) Or may be on the books we are reading... or reading to each other.

Q: Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

I think I do. Even during the times I don't, I try my sincere best to do.

Q: Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

We are committed to Sanaatana Dharma. We will live our life for the Dharmic actualization of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa.

Our children will be exposed to our Dharma from the moment they are made. For, they will be made with our love, which stands on the steady, deep and firm foundation of our Dharma.

If I am not able to introduce my children to certain aspects of Dharma because of my caste, my wife and her family will introduce them. It is important for us that our children the guidance, encouragement and exposure to the right path.

Q: Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

I hope we do.

Q: Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Our parents have played a significant role in making us who we are. If we value and respect each other, we will almost certainly value and respect each other's parents also. Our parents will be integral part of our lives. However, they will not "interfere" in our relationship. I will certainly not allow anybody - friends, family or parents - to alienate me from my wife.

Q: What does my family do that annoys you?

Don't know. I hope there won't be anything serious.

Q: Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Yes - each other!

Q: If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

I am already far from my family... Eventually, when my parents are much older, they will end up living with us. Her parents, may not live with us. But I hope they will be close. I have seen too many friends and colleagues in the near past, who had to rush to India (from the US) in a hurry, when their parents fell ill. I wouldn't want to put my wife or myself through that.

Q: Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Yes, of course. Once again, there is no point in getting married if we were not confident of that - confident not only in the other person, but also confident in our own hearts.

Bah, Women!

I have had some success with women. I have also failed with other women. I won't say how many in either case. Just suffice it to say that the numbers are enough to notice some very clear trends.

I have almost always had success with women when I don't care what happens in the relationship. When I am not emotionally invested in them, they become open to me. When I don't pursue them too hard, they come to me of their own accord. There have even been times when I have really cared for a woman, and then given up on her because no results were forthcoming, and soon after there would be results, more than I could handle. When I don't compliment them, they fish for compliments. When I don't appreciate them, they appreciate me. When I don't give much, they seek and seek. Then when I give a little bit, it's valued much.

On the other hand, whenever I really care for a woman, things don't turn out well. The more I care for a woman, the more pain I get in return. The more I am committed to someone, the more they want to be away from me. The more I give, the more they don't want. Until they finally decide that they want nothing from me, nothing to do with me. They even decide that I am not a good presence in their lives.

"I don't have such feelings for you." "I don't think we are right for each other." "I am afraid of you." These are all lines I have heard from women to whom I have truly, sincerely, completely offered myself and everything I have.

On the other hand, when I don't offer much, when I am not interested, in fact, when I actively discourage them, they are willing to accept anything and everything. I have known women who did not want to be involved with a man who was not a virgin. But they were willing to accept me despite knowing that I have been involved with other women in the past. I have known women who did not want to be with a man who drinks. Yet, they have been willing to accept me, despite knowing that I enjoy a good drink. I have known women who never thought they would fall for a much older beastly-looking person, with a thinning hairline - and they have fallen for me, although (or because) I wouldn't fall for them.

Heck, right now there are women who are into me and who'd accept me, despite knowing that I am totally into somebody else! I don't want them! And then, there have been women who encouraged me and pursued me actively, only to run away from me, the moment I decided to give them everything they asked for. They cannot even give me a fraction of the time and courteousness, let alone affection or a fair chance, that I gave them when they were pursuing me.

Bah, women! I know that if I gave up and rejected all womanhood right now, a bunch of them will turn up to fill the vacuum in my life. That is how it has always been. It's as predictable as clockwork.

I don't want that. I don't want any bunch of women in my life. If the one person I have reserved myself for wants to come, she can come. If she doesn't want to come, she is welcome to have a happy life of her own. I am too tired to care anymore!

Avoiding Man Troubles

The following tips are for women who want to avoid troubles with men whom they don't want in their lives. Most women know several men whom they don't want in their lives, with whom they would like interaction to be zero or nil. I hope the following tips, from a man's perspective, will help them avoid troubles with such men.

The post starts with some introductory spiel and theoretical lecture about men and how they feel and think. I urge you to read it. If you don't want to wade through all that blah-blah, and want to get straight to the tips to avoid man troubles, click here.

---

The Streets, stories, strategies blog post and the comments on that post reminded me once again of the numerous and diverse strategies and tactics women use to avoid unwarranted attention and action from men. Most women pick up these tricks from their friends and older female relatives / acquaintances. Some of these are learnt through bitter and traumatic personal experience. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be a course or institute to teach these skills and crafts to young girls who are growing up and venturing out into the big bad world. Of course, the fact that it is even necessary for women to know these tactics to protect themselves from the male members of their own species, is highly regrettable.

I am not writing this to share regrets or outrage or any other emotion. My intention is to share the simple and straight facts about the male psyche, in realistic and pragmatic terms. I think the fact that I am just another guy qualifies what I say below as coming straight from the proverbial horse's mouth.

There are times when I am amazed by the naivete among some women about matters concerning men. At other times, I am surprised by some of the opinions and theories that women in general, and feminists in particular, have about men. Given the fact that men and women have been together in the world for as long as they have existed, you would think that they know and understand each other well. Surprisingly, that doesn't seem to be the case. In my opinion, that makes humans one of the stupidest species alive... Only slightly better than the black widow spider's mate, who risks his life in order to copulate.

The purpose of the following material is to help women understand men better. A secondary purpose is to help women to avoid some of the troubles that men might present them with. I hope such understanding will lead to safer and healthier relationships - both romantic and otherwise. As mentioned before, I am being very realistic and pragmatic in what I write below. While writing the truth, I won't pander to any sensitivities or prejudices or social / moral expectations. I am not going to talk about whether something is right or wrong. I won't say how things ought to be. I just present how things simply are. I ask my readers - especially the feminine readers - to read this with an open mind. Remember, our objective here is to understand, not to pass judgments.

Disclaimer: As always, there are exceptions to what I say below. Obviously, all of the following are not true for all the men. And certainly, all of these are not true for me personally either. However, I believe that most of the following are true for the average young active male psyche. Your mileage and experience with a particular male specimen might vary.


The Male Libido

For the most part, the male libido is an involuntary function. Men don't have too much control over what or who will turn them on and who won't. If they feel it, they feel it. That's that. The only way to inhibit such involuntary function is through very deep, consistent conditioning. An example of such conditioning for most of us is to not have sexual feelings towards women who are closely related to us - our sisters, mother, aunts, etc. Other than such conditioning, there is not much a man can do about how he feels towards certain women. It is important to keep this in mind.

Women - especially younger ones - sometimes think that men (whom they don't like) are so wrong for simply feeling something towards them. They think that men have control over such feelings and should therefore regulate what they feel. I am telling you that for the most part, men don't have control over such feelings, and so they can't stop them.

Having said that, I should also mention here that men can and should control what they do about such feelings. They may not be able to do much about what they feel, but they should be able to regulate how they act on such feelings. The feelings may not be voluntary, but actions certainly are. Related read: "Is it my fault that I felt like kissing in the temple?"


The Male Purpose

The most deeply ingrained, instinctive, oldest male purpose is common for human males and countless other species: copulate as often as possible with as many females as possible. This is simply biological programming designed to increase the chances of survival of a species. Everything about a male's body and most things about his mind have evolved over centuries to achieve this goal.

Most things about our social rules and expectations today have evolved precisely in the opposite direction: to prevent a man from having indiscriminate sex with many women. Most people don't stop to consider what a humonguous and remarkable achievement this is. It is an achievement that undoubtedly has women's signature on it. Feminist types love to complain that it is still a man's world out there and that women are not getting what's due to them. Well, I have something to tell them: if society had evolved to purely serve the interests of men, it would be one big orgy party where men would play, drink and have sex as much as they wanted, with whoever they wanted.

Getting voting rights for women? Getting equal status for women? These are not big achievements compared to what women have already achieved in our society: getting a large number of sexually active men to live, walk, work in close proximity to a large number of women, in relative peace, harmony and decency; convincing most men that they should have just one mate at a time, preferably one mate for an entire lifetime. Considering that an average healthy male involuntarily thinks of sex once every few waking minutes or so, and he has several erections a day, and considering that his most deeply programmed instinct is to have sex as often as possible with as many women as possible, this is not a small achievement. It's humonguous and remarkable, alright!

While women did this, men have not been sitting idle. They constantly experience a struggle within themselves - a struggle between their instinctive biological urge and their desire/expectation to experience an ideal monogamous relationship. While this epic battle goes on within their selves everyday, they have come up with some complex, subtle, symbolic, stylized and remarkable ways of demonstrating their own worthiness to mate to the women they are interested in. These include sports, arts, finances, literature, etc. This has helped men explore and evolve other aspects of their personalities, than merely their balls and their strong arms.

This is as it should be. It balances things out between men and women. Any species can indulge in mere copulation with multiple partners. But the human monogamous relationship, enables us to experience more - a whole new range and depth of feelings, challenges, pleasures and pains in relationships, all of which (hopefully) help us live a more enhanced life experience.

To summarize: The male instinct for multiple and frequent sexual experiences is very strong and ingrained. In every man, there is a constant struggle between this biological instinct, and the psycho-social desires/expectations of experiencing an ideal monogamous relationship. Sometimes one instinct wins, sometimes the other does - in the same man, in one lifetime, sometimes even in one day!


The Mixed Signals

When things are simple, communication is simple. For species which just follow their simple biological instincts, signals and communications are simple, unambiguous. When we stop following our instincts, things get a little more complex. Our biology causes our body to behave in a certain way, our mind wants us to do something else. Result: mixed signals. Part of our mind wants to follow the body's needs, part of the mind wants to live as per the socially established norms. Result: mixed signals. Different people/genders want to follow their body's instincts to different extents. Result: mixed signals. Mixed signals lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings.

The mixed signals women give is one of the most frustrating things for men. I don't know if women are aware that they give mixed signals. Women - especially the younger ones - will quite often deny that they are doing so. But the effectiveness of communication is measured by how well the recipient understood it and acted on it. If a guy's understanding of a woman's signals are different from what she expected, the communication was not right somewhere.

Women are notorious for sending mixed signals. Some of the examples include: indulging in 'innocent flirting', trying to be 'just friends', going on dinner / drink / dance dates with men when they have no intention of taking the relationship any further ever, fishing for compliments from men, etc.

Women cannot be blamed for a lot of the mixed signals, though they are certainly guilty in some cases. A lot of times, mixed signals happen due to the complexity resulting from conflicting instincts and desires within the same person, and between the man and the woman.

For women, the most important key to avoiding man troubles, is to avoid sending mixed signals.



Avoiding Man Troubles

Disclaimer 1: Most of what I write below is limited to avoiding trouble with men who are known to women, with whom women have regular and/or frequent interaction. There is not much advice I can offer on avoiding trouble with strangers on streets, buses, trains, etc. except one: physically avoid them as much as possible; avoid being in close proximity to them; avoid drawing their attention. It depends on each individual woman and her circumstances to decide how much of this avoidance is possible, how such avoidance affects her life, etc.

Disclaimer 2: If you look at what is written below in its entirety, it may appear as if I am offering tips for a society which is totally segregated on gender. Not quite! This is just a list of tips for various situations. It is upto each woman to choose and use what is useful for her unique circumstances. I can't imagine any woman or situation needing all of the tips below. I certainly don't encourage any type of gender-based segregation or distance. There is enough of that already in the world.

Disclaimer 3: Several readers seemed to think that I am recommending the usage of the following tips with all men. It is definitely not so. These tips are only for those occasions when there is some guy, who seems to be interested in you, but you want to have nothing to do with him and you want to keep him off. In all other situations, in comfortable platonic relationships and even with neutral strangers, feel free to be your nice and friendly self.

Women can have unwanted trouble with men in all kinds of situations - with strange men as well as with familiar ones, on the street, in the work place, at home, in social situations, etc. Almost any place where men and women interact, there is potential for trouble. Most of these troubles can be avoided with some simple, pragmatic measures. One of the biggest reasons for trouble is sending mixed signals. A lot of the tips I offer below are designed to reduce or eliminate mixed signals.

• Physical space and physical contact: Always be aware of the physical space between you and the undesired man, and keep a respectful distance. Avoid physical contact, if possible. Physical space and physical contact depend to a large extent on cultures. For example, in some cultures, a casual hug between a man and woman is not a big deal, where as in other cultures, there is no concept of a casual hug. So, be aware of your cultural context, keep the appropriate distance. Watch out for men who use the cultural difference to 'innocently' touch you (Shilpa Shetty & Richard Gere kissing controversy). Anytime there is accidental contact, apologize and draw back at once. This advice is easy to follow with strangers or acquaintances or even colleagues. But it is with friends that you should really tap into your feminine instincts and judgment: "When I touch this male friend's arm casually in the course of a conversation, is it a friendly touch or will he consider it as a woman's sensual touch?" You are the best person to judge.


• Sharing a roof: This is another aspect of sharing the physical space with a man. Sometimes, you may end up sharing a roof with a man - as roommates or when staying over at a friend / relative's home. Needless to say, if you are not comfortable with a man and want to avoid him, don't stay in the same house as him. Not even for one night. When you do share the house with a man, it is even more important to be aware of the physical space. Absolutely do not share a bedroom, let alone a bed, unless you want to go all the way with the guy. Get a room with a secure bolt/lock, and close the door securely when you sleep or change. Try to have your own bathroom too, if possible. Avoid one-man-one-woman type of a living situation, if you can. It helps to have more roommates, at least one other girl in the house apart from you. Unless you are really brave and confident of handling the guys, don't end up in situations where there's more than one guy in the house and you are the sole girl, not even if one of the guys is your boyfriend or partner. It is worth repeating again what I said earlier: if you want to avoid troubles with a man, don't stay in the same house as him.


• Dinner, drinks and dancing: In the modern world, dinner, drinks and dancing have become formal aspects of the courting/mating ritual. Unless you are open to possibilities with a guy, don't go out for dinner or drinks or dancing with him. Do not use a guy to buy you drinks and dinner, unless you are willing to put out for him. Even if the guy is a close friend, avoid these things... you'll have man trouble with a close friend, which are pretty bad things to go through. In fact, if you are not interested in a guy, you should avoid meeting him alone, if at all possible.


• Meeting alone: If you are not interested in a guy, try not to meet him alone as much as possible. Sometimes meeting alone cannot be avoided. Nevertheless, there are many precautions you can take. Keep the meeting short and on topic. Avoid meeting alone in personal places like his or your home. Meet in public. If it's to be a meeting with a colleague or client have it in the office or conference room, rather than in a social setting such as a restaurant, if it's a guy you want to avoid. Do not have one-on-one meetings with colleagues or clients during your personal time. Meet during the day, rather than in the evening or night. This is another tip which needs to be used with extra judiciousness with male 'friends'.


• Being friends with men: Talking of male friends, know that it is not easy for men to be friends with women. Remember that men's most basic instinct is to mate with you. Men may be interesting and fun company to hang out with, they may give you great advice, they may have an awesome sense of humor, they may be of much help to you - all the qualities you like in a good friend. But their strongest basic instinct prevents most men from being ideal friendship material. There is a popular saying among those who believe that friendship between men and women is simply not possible: "A male friend is a guy who does not know how to close". The "close" usually refers to: sexual consummation or to "fuck or fly" (have sex or break off the relationship and go away) or to "fuck and fly" (have sex and then break off the relationship). I know it sucks for many women that men can't be "just friends", but that is how it is. Now, I won't say that men and women should not be friends. But if a woman wants to be friends with a man, she should be very aware of the men's basic instinct at all times, be extra careful not to send mixed signals at any time, always be consistent in her behavior with him, not encourage any behavior or approach which is over-friendly or more than friendly, and basically follow all the tips in this section. Just don't let the guy think at any time that he might have a chance with you. And, if he does not play by the rules of friendship and tries to get too close, break off the friendship. Believe me, breaking off the friendship is much less painful than dealing with man troubles from someone you considered a friend. Just break it off. And for god's sake do not use him as an intellectual whore.


• Intellectual whores: Do not use men as intellectual whores. You don't like it if men treat you as a physical whore, if they use you for only physical pleasure and then leave, if they don't show you proper emotional respect and value. So, why do you think men would like it if you used them for only your intellectual pleasure: their smart conversation, fun company, sane advice, timely help? This happens too often. I think, women use men intellectually more often than men use women for physical pleasure. Intellectual (and even physical) whoring might be okay if both the people want only that and nothing more. But that's not often the case. As I have said countless times already, a man's basic instinct is to have sex. Most guys who allow themselves to become your intellectual toy, are doing so with the hope that they will get a piece of your ass in return. Or your love. Or both. Believe me, it's as hurtful and bad when a woman treats a man as an intellectual whore, as it is when a man treats a woman as a physical whore. Don't do it. Men may be bad in a lot of ways, but they don't deserve to be used any more than you do. The only exception to this are cases where both people want the same thing - physical or intellectual give-and-take.


• Innocent flirting: Now, there are many instances when women think that they are not using a man or anything of the sort, they are just flirting innocently. Well, for starters, there is no such thing as innocent flirting. All flirting is mental foreplay. Now, as a woman, you might be quite content with limiting yourself to the mental realms, but a man is not. A man always wants more. When you flirt with a man, he reads it as a signal of interest to get physical with him. Even in the rare situations when he does not read it as such, even in situations where you make it abundantly clear that you are only being funny and having mental fun, the man cannot control his feelings. Remember what I said earlier about his feelings being involuntary? A flirting woman is a siren call to a man's libido. So, unless you are really interested in a man and there is a possibility of things going further, don't flirt with him. And, don't let him flirt with you. Men's egos can be blind. For most men, your flirting with him is almost right up there with simply letting him flirt with you. If you just let him flirt without flirting back, he will think that you like his flirting and you like him! He will also think that you are just being coy or shy, and he will flirt more, trying even harder to get you to react to him. So, if you are not interested in the man, put an end to flirting, from both sides, period.


• Seeking attention / affirmation: Sometimes women flirt, not for the fun of it, but because they are seeking attention or affirmation of their feminity. If they are not getting enough attention from their regular partners or even if they are getting the attention, but they are simply bored with it, they will seek it elsewhere. For women (and for men), compliments or attention from someone who is not their partner or who does not love them or who is not familiar to them, always has more weight. Now, it might be okay to seek or get this once in a while. But if you are doing this constantly, there is something wrong with your relationship and you should take care of that first. And, if you are doing this constantly with one guy, you are giving him signals that you are interested in him. So, unless you are really interested in him and you are willing to do something about it, don't fish for compliments or seek attention from a man. Doing so is a sure-fire way of attracting some massive man trouble. This also goes for giving him attention and compliments. This too is alright once in a while. But don't over-do it. In fact, if you really want to avoid a man, don't even laugh at his jokes!


• Laughing at a man's jokes: A lot of people don't know this, but humor is one of the most effective courting tools. It is far easier to win someone's attention and affection with humor, than with any amount of intense and sincere declarations of love and passion. So, men do often use humor as a fishing hook with women. And humor is also one of the most effectively disguised tactics. Most women don't notice it. It flies right under their radar, they laugh and laugh at the guy's jokes and before they know it, they have a man on their hands. Yeah! What I just said might seem like too much of an exaggeration, right? Surely, laughing at someone's joke can't be so bad. If you don't believe me, read this: Laughter paves the way for romance. Convinced? Now, it may seem too restrictive to suggest that you not laugh at a man's jokes, and I am not suggesting that. Go ahead, laugh at a man's jokes. Just be aware of the possible effects and consequences. And more importantly, if you want to avoid a man or don't like him, just don't laugh at his jokes. He will get the signal. It's as simple as that.


• Being a cocktease: Having talked of using a man intellectually, flirting, seeking attention, giving attention and laughing at a man's jokes, how can we not mention a cocktease? These are all typical tools of the trade for the cocktease. All I can tell a woman on this subject: Don't be a cocktease. If you are, you deserve every bit of man trouble that comes your way. Cuz, you are asking for it!


• Relationship line crossing: One of the most common ways for most relationships to start is by crossing the lines of one relationship to another. A classmate crosses over to become a date, a friend crosses over to become a partner, a colleague crosses over... let's not go there! Crossing relationship lines is not bad in itself. But if you don't want to get in trouble with a man, it helps to be aware of the lines which define the relationship and not let him cross it. Men are instinctively programmed to cross lines - they have been crossing all sorts of lines for centuries, creating all kinds of problems. They do so in relationships also, always pushing, pushing, pushing to see how far they can go. If you don't want to have troubles with a man, just put an end to all pushing, decisively and effectively the first time he tries it. Simply don't let it happen. Noticing when he is trying to cross the line may not be very easy - many times it's disguised. Even more difficult to watch out for are the times when you might inadvertently cross the line sending the wrong signal. The most difficult to detect and stop is the crossing of relationship lines when a relationship ends. Suppose two people who were dating, decide to break it off. When they do that, they draw a line, a boundary, which neither person should ever cross. But in such situations, both people frequently cross the lines, causing confusions, mixed signals, and much hurt. Unless both of them want to give each other a second chance, they should be very careful not to cross any lines themselves or let the other person cross the lines. Post-breakup is the worst for mixed signals. And, mixed signals are so easy to give - sometimes a wrong signal could be sent merely by the clothes you wear!


• Dressing with a purpose: This is so basic and something I should not have to tell women. But unfortunately, a lot of women can get this wrong. Just remember that it is not only important to look attractive in what you wear, it is also important to have a purpose to what you wear. Sure, you might look very attractive in a top which shows a lot of cleavage, but what is the purpose of wearing it to work? Do you really want to distract your male colleagues? Always be conscious of where you are going and what type of dress will be appropriate for the place and occasion. This is especially important if you are going to meet a guy alone - the way you dress sends very strong signals, even if he does not read them consciously, his instinctive libido will.

Those are the tips I could think of this morning. If I come up with more, I will update this post.

These tips are based on common-sense and my perceptions as a guy. They are based on how I feel guys think and behave, and how women can end up giving us mixed signals. The above tips will avoid your giving out mixed signals to guys and having some unwanted man trouble on your hands. I hope that you can choose them appropriately for your situation and use them effectively.

Now, if you are really looking for a man or trouble (is there a difference? :-)), by all means go ahead and good luck to you!

Three Touching Love Stories

Last weekend, when sitting and drinking with friends, I came across three amazing and touching love stories. All three are real stories. I hope to god that the characters involved do not mind my retelling those stories here. I am doing this with the best intentions of sharing something that truly touched me. Not to pass judgment or made adverse comments about anybody. So, help me god.

Respect for Love

The first story is almost straight out of the movie Kaadhalukku Mariyaadai, but without the happy ending. The title literally means, "Respect for Love". The guy - we shall call him Mr A - has known the girl for almost 10 years, since his college days. They have been together as gf-bf (girlfriend-boyfriend) for almost 8 years. They had committed to spend their entire lives together. But there was a problem - they were both from different religions, and for this reason alone, their relationship was totally unacceptable to both sets of parents. They tried a lot to convince the parents, to no avail. Now, Mr A and his gf had two choices:

1. Bow down to their parents' wishes and break off their relationship.
2. Ignore their parents feelings and get married anyway.

A couple of months or so ago, Mr A went to India, hoping to convince both sets of parents and get married to his gf. He is back now, and he tells me that his gf and him have chosen option 1. They have decided to break their relationship, and not get married to each other.

I can't believe it. I don't understand why they would do that. Clearly, the parents were being old-fashioned and illogical. This is no reason to break a truly loving relationship. How could any parents be so cruel to such young, idealistic love? Moreover, in every case that I have seen of people getting married against their parents' wishes, the parents eventually come round to accepting the relationship... a few months or years after the wedding. That is almost surely bound to happen with Mr A and his gf's parents also. So, they should not break the relationship. They should get married, regardless of what their parents thought. That was my thinking.

Mr A thought differently. He says that their parents might eventually accept their relationship outwardly, in appearance, in the presence of their kids. But privately, they would never fully accept it. He has seen his parents' friends, whose children have married against their wishes. Outwardly they seem to accept their children's decisions, but in the private company of close friends, they regret, grieve and cry over it. He says he does not want his parents to go through such an experience themselves, to spend their whole life never accepting his decision and grieving privately.

I was so amazed and touched by his way of thinking. I'd myself have never thought that way. I'd never have let anyone come in the way of my true love and myself, no matter what the cost. But then, I say that because I know how tough and painful it is to find true love, to find that one person with whom you want to spend all your life, and who feels the same way towards you. I know how hurtful it is to go through a lifetime of hits and misses. Perhaps, Mr A has not had such experiences, and so he is able to give up his dreams of spending a lifetime with his love.

Whatever the case may be, there is no denying the fact that Mr A has shown great maturity at such a young age (28 years), so much respect and consideration for his parents' love and feelings... more respect and consideration, in fact, than they have shown for his love and feelings.

Commitment for Love

The second story is of Mr B. He is married. He did not have a love marriage. His was an arranged marriage. He was introduced to his wife and got to know her over a couple of months of phone, email and chat conversations, while he worked in the US and she lived in India. Having not known her in person at all, he went to India, got married to her and brought her back with him. He tells me that it took fully two years for his wife and himself to reach a certain state of steady compatibility in their relationship. Those two years were a period of much puzzlement, pain and frustration. He desperately asked himself, "Why me?"

Indeed, why him? I know him as one of the most reasonable, easy-going and flexible people. He does not normally get into petty issues or ego clashes with people. I just cannot imagine him having conflicts with anybody, let alone with a woman, and that too his own wife. This is not to imply that one or the other person should be blamed for the conflicts. For whatever reasons to which we are not privy, conflicts happen. I know that between couples who are close together, it is often not possible to blame one or the other person. Their very closeness becomes an infinite feedback loop which can blow-up small differences into big conflicts, and with everyone losing track of where it all began.

Mr B went through all the conflicts and pains with commitment and tenacity, to reach a steady state at the end of two years. He mentioned talking about his problems with his dad and asking why things should be this way. His dad told him, "My son, this is life!"

Such a simple statement. But it amazed and touch me. For, there is so much meaning in it.

There are two ways of living:

1. There is the materialistic, consumerist way. Here, a person is constantly on the look-out to replace what s/he already has, with something better (a newer and better model of car, for example), and to constantly add more things into her/his life (the latest gadgets, anybody?). S/he is never fully content with what s/he has and thinks the way to happiness is to get newer, better and more things.
2. The other way is to accumulate a certain level of essential and important things, and after that, concentrating on living and experiencing life. Here, the person finds contentment and happiness in what s/he has achieved. S/he seeks fuller, deeper and more meaningful experiences, instead of a never-ending pursuit of discontent.

I think that when Mr B's dad said, "My son, this is life", he was alluding to the second manner of living above. A relationship is not something to be sought and exchanged and accumulated over and over again like material things. No. That is a bad way of going about a relationship. The right way is to find somebody who matches our basic, most important expectations and principles, and then commit to them and experience life in that commitment, come what may. This is what our parents, their parents and our culture teaches us. We don't give up on a relationship or on the most important person in our lives, in the face of difficulties. No. We remain committed and devoted to each other, and we navigate the storms together. We discover and experience more of each other, we let our relationship and love grow stronger. This is what Mr B is doing. This is the profound learning I get from his life and his father's words passed on to me second-hand.

Honor and Healing for Love

The third story, that of Mr C, is as foolish as it is touching. Mr C was on the lookout for true love all his life. He set out on his path with much hopes, dreams and idealism. I have seen people similarly setout to make money and to become successful in life. I have seen how sometimes, in their quest to make more and more money, they cross the line between right and wrong. They fool and deceive themselves, thinking it is just a small step across the line, not too far away from the right side. Or, thinking that it is just a temporary step and they will be back on the right side pretty soon. Eventually, they lose sight of the line, lose their honor and idealism. Worse, such a path never really pays back, and they end up losing more than they ever gained. Something similar happened to Mr C on his quest for true love. He crossed the line one too many times and lost his soul, and he did not even know it.

So, when Mr C did eventually run into his true love, he was not ready at all. Oh, he recognized her as his true love alright. And, he thought he was ready for her and for true love to fill his heart and life. But he was not ready at all. He had been more ready in his younger days, when he was naive, than he was when he met her, after all his experiences. The result was disastrous. He had lost the faith, idealism, generosity and wonder which are needed to nurture and grow love. Instead, he had selfishness, fear, calculative mindset and something he termed as 'practicality' - all of which would harm love, as surely as weed-killer sprayed on a young hibiscus bush.

So, Mr C was not able to please, honor and cherish the love of his life like he should have. Instead, he hurt her, insulted her, harmed her. He rebuffed her sweet, youthful advances, denied her naive requests, disrespected her feelings. He lied and he cheated. He broke her heart and shattered her mind. He hurt her health and life. The love and passion which had started to rise in her heart like a young Sun was eclipsed by his darkness. She lost the respect and honor she had for him. The infinite feedback loop of love ensured that all that hurt and darkness that flowed from him to her, came right back to him, bringing darkness to his heart and life too.

Now, after all the damage has been done, Mr C realizes his foolishness and his blunders. He knows that he tried to give up the path of true love, in favor of the path of ease and comfort, and that was a big mistake. He has learnt how he lost his honor and soul. He regrets kicking away the love of his life and causing great hurt. He has resolved to do things right, no matter how tough and hurtful it is. He is not willing to accept any other easy paths in life. In fact, he is unable to accept other paths, despite having the choice and opportunity to do so. He has committed himself to the path of true love. But how to heal such deep hurt? How to bring back honor which was lost so badly? How to help the Sun of love and passion rise bright and strong? He does not know. Nor do I know what to tell him - except to let go, and let love.

Yoga Nidra

The story of Sati is a touching episode in the life of Shiva.

Shiva used to be a wild god who preferred roaming the woods and mountains, and living in cemeteries. He was a bachelor and he did as he pleased with no regard for form or factor. At times, he would go into a deep meditation for years on end, and other times he would go into a high trance smoking ganja with his wild followers. He smeared his body with the ash from the cemetry and danced naked.

The gods were concerned about Shiva's wild ways. They were also concerned, that he being such a great god, set a bad example to the rest of the world. They thought that he needed to be tamed and the best way to do that would be to get him married. Now, who better to tame Shiva than the great Mother Goddess? They approached and pleaded with her, and she agreed to their request.

The Mother Goddess was born as Uma, the daughter of Daksha, who was the chief Prajapati. As Uma, she managed to impress and win over Shiva. However, Daksha did not approve of her choice of a husband and was quite opposed to the alliance. Uma went against her father's preference and married Shiva. As it turned out, it was a highly successful relationship. Shiva and Uma formed a great pair together, living happily, enjoying the mutual pleasures, support and contentment of marital life.

One day, Uma heard that her father was organizing a great yajna, a sacrifice, to which he had invited all the important people in the Universe. However, he had not invited Uma and Shiva, his daughter and son-in-law. Uma was very disturbed to hear that, where as Shiva, the great Yogi and renunciate, was merely amused. Uma felt that perhaps, her father had forgotten to invite them. she thought that as a daughter, she had the right to attend the yajna without being invited. shiva advised her against that, but she insisted until Shiva relented and sent her off by herself.

At the yajna, Uma discovered that her father did not welcome her with warmth. Moreover, he did not plan on making any offering in the yajna to Shiva, the greatest god of all, where as he offered much to all the other gods. This angered Uma and she questioned her father. Daksha's responses were very disrespectful and insulting to Shiva. This hurt Uma deeply. Not being able to bear the humiliation of her husband in front of the entire Universe, Uma killed herself by an act of spontaneous combustion.

On hearing the news of Uma's death, Shiva was infinitely angered. He pulled out a handful of his dreadlocks, and used them to created two fierce and fearsome beings called Veerabhadra and Bhadrakaali. Those two, along with hordes of Shiva's wild followers, attacked Daksha's house, beating away all the gods. Veerabhadra cut off Daksha's head and offered it in the fire of the yajna. Later on, Shiva restored Daksha to life by joining his body to a goat's head.

What happened next is very touching. Shiva's infinite anger was followed by infinite pain and he goes insane. He roams the world carrying Uma's corpse, hugging her to his body as his Sati, the forever companion. When Shiva's frenzy increases to the point of destroying the cosmic balance, Vishnu destroys Sati's body with his Sudarshana chakra.

And then, Shiva slips into infinite grief. He is not able to do anything, not even move. He slips into a deep meditative trance, called the yoga nidra. Shiva's yoga nidra lasts for centuries, while the Universe changes all around him. Forces of evil grow powerful and gain control of the world. Everybody suffers. It appears that Shiva's grief-stricken samadhi will last forever.

***

I don't understand why Uma had to kill herself. She was angry. She was humiliated. But was it really necessary to kill herself? To destroy the happy marriage she had with Shiva? To cause him to lose his beloved Sati? To go away and give him infinite pain and grief? Shiva would have gladly accepted her and kept her happy forever, if she left her father's house and gone back to him. What was the need to break up their sweet married life? I don't understand.

But I understand Shiva. I understand overwhelming grief and pain. I understand not being able to do anything, not being able to eat or drink, not being able to accomplish the day's tasks. I understand not wanting to see anybody or say anything. I understand how all the will and desire to live can flow out. I understand how there can be no purpose or meaning to anything more in life. All he was left with was to slip into a yoga nidra that seemed to last forever. I wish I could too.

What we like in women...

Following are the characters which make a woman (or even men) attractive:

1. Healthy.
2. Happy.
3. Active, spirited, enthusiastic (in other words, yes, feisty).
4. Usually organized and collected (as opposed to being scattered).
5. Talk straight, true and simple (as opposed to convoluted, fake and complex).
6. Passionate about something nice (arts, music, cuisine, sex, environment, sports, literature).
7. Articulate and erudite.
8. Classy (includes having good taste, not talking too much or too loud, not getting into cheap stuff - including cheap articles, cheap people, cheap discussions, being understated).

Stuff like beauty and intelligence come MUCH later, down the line... although, it takes a certain degree of intelligence to satisfy criteria 1 through 8.

Sexual Harassment and Power

I usually have frustrating exchanges with women whenever power is mentioned in the context of sexual harassment... specifically, sexual harassment of women by men. The discussion in the comments section of my blog post about the root cause of eve teasing in India is an example. Women, especially the feminist types, believe that sexual harassment is mainly about power, and less about sex. Some of them even claim that it is all about power and not at all about sex.

This is frustrating for me because I am a man. As such, I understand how the male libido works. I am not a rapist nor have I sexually harassed anyone. Nevertheless, I understand what goes on in the mind and loins of a guy vis-a-vis sex. So, I know what I am talking about when I say that the primary motivation for most men who are guilty of sexual harassment is sex.

This is when women like to ask questions such as: Why would a married man who has free access to a sexual partner, still harass some other woman? Or, why would a man, who could easily buy sexual gratification from a prostitute, risk everything to commit violent rape instead?

Clearly, there is a lack of understanding of male sexuality. The reason why I keep coming back to the "power and sex" discussion is because I feel that women's beliefs about the role of power in male sexuality further distorts their understanding. Thus, women totally miss out on understanding the root cause and the motivation behind male sexual acts... whether they are acts of harassment or acts of shared pleasure.

For the record, through this blog post, I want to clarify my position on sexual harassment and power in as simple terms as possible. So, here goes: Sexual desire is the root cause and primary motivation for sexual harassment. Power enables or allows harassment to happen. Power is only an enabler, a facilitator. Sexual desire is the root cause.

To give an analogy: The primary reason for humans to eat chicken is not that they are more powerful than the chicken. The primary reason is that humans feel hunger. The fact that humans are more powerful than the chicken enables or allows them to eat chicken. But that is not the root cause for chicken being part of the human diet.

Now, one may ask, why should humans violently kill and eat chicken, while they could easily eat vegetables, which involves less violence and gore. There are a different set of reasons for that. That is a different line of discussion. But we know that it is certainly not because there is more power in eating chicken than in eating a vegetable.

It is important for us to discern and understand this truth. If we don't understand the truth, our efforts and energies will be directed at the wrong things. For example, if we believe that sexual harassment is all about power, we will conclude that empowering women will stop sexual harassment. I don't think it will. Empowering women will help curb sexual harassment, but it is only a matter of time and place before the woman will be vulnerable and a possible target. No one can be powerful at all times.

Having said all that, I want to reiterate that I am not totally dismissing the power factor from the sexual harassment equation. Not only is power an enabler of harassment, power (or rather the feeling of powerlessness) also happens to be the most important, overwhelming and enduring experience of sexual harassment for the victim. From the victim's perspective, the harassment is not a sexual experience. It is an experience of total vulnerability and powerlessness!

Consider a woman who has been raped. Physical violence and humiliation are big aspects of her experience. However, the biggest aspect is the feeling of being utterly powerless and helpless. It is like a stranger, or someone you know and thought you could trust, came up to you, helped himself to a piece of your soul, and simply walked away. There was nothing you could do to stop it, before or while it was happened. And so often, there is nothing you can do after it has happened. Even catching and punishing the perpetrator, only helps the woman's feeling of powerlessness in a very small way. The feeling of total weakness and powerlessness, wherein any asshole could just drop by and violate her body and soul intimately, is something that endures for a long time.

Yes, from the victim's perspective, the overwhelming and most enduring experience of sexual harassment is the utter feeling of powerlessness. It is important to understand this because this understanding is more useful in the healing of a victim, than in the prevention of such crimes. Yes, empowering women will help curb harassment to a little extent, but it is not the panacea for harassment prevention. The role of empowerment is much more in the healing of a harassed victim.

Empowering a harassment victim and specific steps/measures to make her feel empowered, should be the most important part of any healing process. Catching, punishing and preventing the perpetrator from repeating the crime play an important role in restoring the victim's confidence. On the other hand, if the criminal gets away scot-free, it contributes to her feeling of helplessness. However, justice alone is not enough to heal her. Real healing starts when the lady is empowered enough to feel safe again, to feel that she will not be violated again. It is through such empowerment that the lady starts to feel like a living human being again, instead of like a powerless object. It is through such empowerment that she starts to value herself again, to feel that life may be live-able and then to grow to feel that life is worth living after all.

I hope this blog post has helped people understand what I have been saying all along about sexual harassment and power. Not only has this been written from a man's understanding of male sexuality and power, this is also written from an empathic understanding of sexual harassment by being close to a victim, from sharing the deeply painful feeling of powerlessness. I hope this understanding contributes to better prevention and healing of sexual harassment.

Root Cause of Eve Teasing in India

After writing this whole blog post, I realized that it is longer than I thought it would be, where as all that I want to say can be summed up in just one line. So, if you are in a hurry, here's a one line precis of the root cause for eve teasing. If you have time though, I recommend that you read what follows, in sequence from beginning to end.

Annie of the Known Turf blog has posted a stark and really moving account of eve teasing from a female victim's perspective: Streets, stories, strategies. A lot of things have been written about eve teasing, by both men and women. But this kind of intense, personal account has been absent for a long time in the mainstream media. I am not surprised that this has finally emerged in the blogosphere, rather than the mainstream media. See also: Blank Noise Project.

A very personal account is not the only thing which has been conspicuously missing from the mainstream debates and writings on eve-teasing. What is also missing is an honest, incisive look at the root cause. Most people simply take a superficial view: men are assholes; third-world men are uncouth pigs; it is simply their nature to do it; third-world cultures are backward and repressive and condone harassment of women.

When feminist types enter the debate, rather than helping, they distort the issue: It is all about power. Eve-teasing is yet another way for the chauvinistic males to exert their power over the women and suppress them. It might be about sex in a small way, but it is a distorted expression of the patriarichal society in a major way. See also: Eve Teasing, Rite of passage?

There may be some truth to the feminist view-point that eve-teasing is about a man showing-off his dominance over a woman. But that is only a partial truth. That is probably true of only a very tiny percentage of eve teasing incidents. As a guy who has participated in mild eve teasing (check my personal dirt), and who has witnessed his share of such incidents, I can tell you that 99% of eve teasing is not about power. Eve teasing is more a distorted and perverse sexual expression.

When a guy on the roadside whistles or passes a loud, lewd comment at a passing girl, he is not thinking of dominating over her or subduing her or feeling powerful. When a guy brushes by a girl or pokes an elbow into her when passing her on the pavement, or copes a feel on a crowded train/bus, he is not thinking of suppressing her or all of womanhood. The last thing the sneaky asshole is feeling is powerful! These guys are rather seizing the moment to have a fleeting sexual experience. And in a large number of cases, it is truly fleeting from the male perspective. The guy who whistled or passed a dirty comment most probably did not give the girl or his behavior much thought - neither before nor after the incident. There are very many times when I have seen guys stop whatever they were doing (bantering or playing a game) to tease a passing girl and then go right back to their original activity.

I am not trying to deny the seriousness of eve teasing by claiming that it is a fleeting thing from the male perspective. I can understand that for the girl, it is a deep and lingering hurt and humiliation. I know that eve teasing denies a full-fledged public life for most young women in India. So, I am making no excuses for the males. All I am saying is that most of the time, there is no complex psycho powerplay involved in these cases.

I feel that feminists get off on the power angle for three reasons:

1. They have a tendency to look at everything through their feminist lens, and for them, the whole universe is about yang dominating and suppressing the yin, and taking away her rights.



2. They feel that if we accept the sexual urges to be the motivation for eve teasing, then somehow the guy who did eve teasing escapes personal blame and responsibility. Since sexual urges are common for almost all of us, and it is an inherent part of our biology, the feminists think the teaser escapes being characterized as a demon. This is not acceptable to them. They would like the eve teasing and harassing males to be portrayed as abnormal, cruel, powerful demons.



3. It is very hard for women to accept that the same sexual energy which motivates the passion of their tender lover, might also be at the core of an eve-teaser's or rapist's motivations. They want to believe that their lover's sexual motivation is clean and pure, and the eve-teaser's sexual motivation is dirty and obscene. They find it hard to logically separate the biological sexual motivation from the sexual action. If they had to accept that the motivation of the lover and the teaser are the same, then in their eyes, the actions would also be equally dirty and that would spoil their enjoyment of the lover's attentions.

I am not a woman, so I may very well be wrong here. But I have come to these conclusions after many debates with feminist-minded women.

I believe that giving too much importance to the power and patriarchy angle in eve teasing distorts us from having a clear view of the issue and its real root cause. This in turn, takes us farther away from any solution for the issue.

So, what might be the clearer view? I believe it is this: Most of the eve teasing incidents are distorted and deviant expressions / experiences of sexuality by men who cannot have a healthy sharing of sexuality with a particular girl or woman. In many cases, the man/men involved probably don't have a healthy sexual relationship with any woman at all. That is, they are mostly frustrated bachelors.

At this point, I have to make it clear that being "frustrated bachelors" does not in anyway condone the sexual crime, be it eve teasing or something more serious. Just because the motivation might be sexual, does not mean the guy(s) can escape blame or responsibility or punishment.

I also accept that there may be exceptional cases where the motivation is something more or other than the sexual urge. There are no doubt cases where the guys are sadists, cruel chauvinists, real demons. None of what I write above or below is about such guys.

Why is the bachelor frustrated?
Most Indians know the answer to this question. India is still a country where majority of the marriages are arranged, and most youngsters don't date. Individuals, especially women, do not choose their own mates - they merely say aye or nay to the person chosen by their families. A male-female pair who are not married or otherwise related, are frowned upon, disapproved, harassed (even by the police) if they are seen together in public. Romantic couples have always found ways around these restrictions, but the public disapproval is a very real fact even today. It is changing, especially in urban areas, but not fast enough. Compared to the total number of unmarried young people in India, the number of young people who are actually romantically involved with someone, is a very small minority. Romantic pairing among unmarried people is still uncommon and premarital sex is even rarer.

The result: supposing that a boy becomes sexually active at around 12-13 years of age and gets married after 25 years of age, over a dozen years of the height of his sexual life are spent in enforced singledom, without a romantic partner. In addition to this, bombard the guy with overt and covert sexuality in all kinds of media, and every guy out there is a walking bomb of repressed sexual energy. I am actually surprised that the situation is not much worse than it is now. If animals were repressed like that for years after reaching their age of sexual maturity - or for that matter if American youth were - they would have torn apart their societies, not merely indulged in eve teasing.

This is the root cause of eve-teasing. It is merely an urge to express and experience sexuality in a society which actively and passively suppresses it. This is almost never frankly expressed or talked about in most articles or debates on the issue, which are usually from the female perspective. This is the truth from the male perspective.

If you are not convinced, look at Western societies. There is hardly a concept of public eve teasing in countries like the United States (although there is definitely behind-closed-doors sexual harassment everywhere). The reason for this is not strict law enforcement, although that certainly is a deterrant. The real reason is one of the following:

• Most young guys are too busy with their girlfriends to indulge in teasing or harassing strange women.

OR

• Most young guys are too busy wooing prospective girlfriends. They know that their chances of landing a girl are very bright if they exhibit good behavior. On the other hand, bad behavior, such as eve teasing, will reduce their chances to zero.

In India, most young guys don't have girlfriends. So, the first bullet above is not possible. As for the second bullet, because of the sexual and romantic repression among Indian youth and the conservative society, for most guys, the chances of landing a girlfriend is already close to zero even if they are well-behaved. So, there is no great reward for good behavior just as there is no great punishment for bad behavior. Meanwhile, their suppressed sexuality needs expression and experience... and it comes out as eve teasing.

If you still don't get it, let me put it more simply: If most young guys were sharing a healthy sexual relationship with their girlfriends, they wouldn't be teasing or feeling up strange women in public places. If there was a well-taught and well-understood code for pleasantly communicating their attraction and safely sharing their sexuality with uninhibited young women, guys wouldn't be indulging in unpleasant and unsafe expressions like eve teasing and harassment.

In Western countries like the US, if a guy feels attracted to a girl, there is a very definite social code and language he follows to express his intentions. Both the guy and the girl have the independence to safely share and experience their attraction, without any disapproval or danger. In India, such a social code and independence was missing in the past, and is just beginning to emerge now.

It is as simple as that!


~~*~~

PS: Incidentally, I arrived at my conclusions on this root cause of eve teasing in India, after I came to the US and compared the situation in the US with the situation in India. If I had not come out of India, I might not have had this insight. This is a classic example of the phenomenon I have mentioned in a previous post on NRI Nationalism: coming out of India gives us some better perspectives and insights into India's issues.

Personal Dirt: My Eve Teasing Experience
Yes, I have indulged in mild eve teasing during my college days. No, I am not proud of it. My past eve teasing acts consisted of a couple of occasions when I sat on the pavement on my college street with other friends and whistled or sang loudly at passing girls, who also studied in my college. Otherwise, most of my college days were spent in classes (I almost never missed classes) or being lost in my personal romantic story or watching the antics of my friends, which included eve teasing. And by the way, my friends' eve teasing also mostly consisted of whistling or passing comments. I have not seen them physically harass any girl. There, you have the dirt on me now!

Precis of the Root Cause for Eve Teasing
The root cause of eve teasing in India is that the sexually repressed young people don't have enough premarital romance in their lives.

Yin-Yang of Blog Comments

Warning: This is a very sexist post.

Recently I came across two blog posts by Yahoo's Jeremy Zawodny and Caterina Fake. They are both writing about the news article Yahoo! gives up quest for search dominance, and subsequent reactions by different people (for example, Microsoft's Robert Scoble). I am not writing about this issue in particular. What I found fascinating were the comments left by people on Jeremy's and Caterina's posts.

I am fascinated because the comments on those two blog posts follow a general trend I have noticed on a lot of blogs on the Internet:

1. When the blogger is a woman, there is a higher number of "Good post", "I agree", "You are right" kind of comments. The more attractive the female blogger appears in her pictures or sounds in her writings, the more such comments.

2. When the blogger is a man, the number of "Good post", "I agree", "You are right" kind of comments are very, very less... almost nonexistent. It doesn't matter how good the post is and how many people actually agree with the blogger.

3. Among people who leave comments, women are more likely to leave "Good post", "I agree", "You are right" kind of comments than men. I presume when women leave such comments, they are exhibiting the famous female networking, supporting and exchanging confirmations type of behavior.

4. There are a few men who leave such comments on the blogs of women who appear or sound attractive. I presume men do that because of their compulsive need to be seen or noticed by the attractive woman.

Disclaimer: I am making no insinuation whatsoever that the contents of the blog posts which get "Good post" and "I agree" kind of comments are not praise-worthy. I concede that they may be quite worthy of the appreciation and affirmations they receive.

Full confession: As a blogger, I do like it when people leave "Good post", "I agree", "You are right" kind of comments on my blog. I especially like such comments when the topic is controversial, and I have come under flak from others for what I have written.

Update on Feb 27th, 2006:
For those still not convinced: Check this post and the associated TWENTY-TWO comments for proof of my very first point above! It is just a MUG, for god's sake. But then it's no ordinary mug, for goddess's sake. It is some cute-looking demigodezz's mug!

Update on Apr 16th, 2006:
Here's something worth a look: Lifehacker’s guide to weblog comments

Guide to a guy's thoughts

1. When a man says that he loves you, he either just wants to get in your pants or he truly loves or both.

2. When there is no way for a man to get in your pants and he still says that he loves you, he means it.

3. Lots of times, men won't use the actual words "I love you", even if they really love the girl.

4. If a man takes less than 2 minutes to say bye to his girlfriend/wife, it does not mean he loves her any less. Men just take less time with their farewells than women.

5. If a man cannot have endless conversations with his girlfriend/wife on the phone, it does not mean he loves her any less. Most men are just not phone people. Especially when there are other practical stuff waiting (like starting the day's work, a game or movie on the TV, etc.).

6. If a man flirts with another woman, it does not mean he loves his girlfriend/wife any less than he used to. Women probably think so because in their case it's true - when they flirt with another man, it usually means they love their own man less than before.

More to be added whenever...

A man & woman have the same IQ score; is the woman smarter?

If a man and a woman have the same IQ score, is the woman smarter?

I think, she is.

It is not a trick question or answer, nor is it an April Fool's joke. Here's my theory:

Almost all IQ tests I have seen are oriented more towards evaluating left-brain (masculine, logical, mathematical) intelligence. There is little or no evaluation of the right half of the brain (feminine, intuitive, artistic). Most people would agree that women have a more active right brain than men. So, if a man and a woman have the same IQ scores, their left-brain intelligence is almost same. Since the woman's right brain is probably more active than the man's, over-all, the woman is probably smarter.

PS1: Like everything, there are surely exceptions to this theory also.

PS2: My theory does not claim that women are smarter than men, in general. It is just that the IQ tests are designed that way. Not only are the tests partial to the left-brain activity, they are also partial towards certain cultures and languages.

Freedom of Women & Loss of Womanhood

The following paragraph is from an email sent to me by a dear friend, Priyamvada K, who happens to be a single-mom with an office day-job. I am posting it here with her permission.

Today we claim women are educated, go out do this do that blah blah and how great that is. But the sad part is we don't get to exercise our nurturing side, not to the extent we want to. In the quest for freedom, more education, earning power, money etc - are we losing out on family? Is society or women as a group thinking a woman can do it all, and pushing her to be everything to everyone - that she may not be able to be? I mean, energy is finite. Where is the energy to sit down make someone's favorite dishes, spend hours playing with one's child teaching her stuff, telling stories, taking time to relax, having a place where child comes straight from school and relaxes, the time to swap the day's stories and share.....really share as a family? Instead one is out till 6:30 pm and then in the remaining 2 hours the kid is rushed from one task to another and then off to bed. And the cycle repe! ats. Is this freedom for women? I'm not so sure about that....perhaps its financial insurance for her in this uncertain world where marriage/family structures are changing and men may not be dependable - or don't want to be depended on. But freedom? I think it probably gives less freedom for a woman to be a woman - and exercise her nurturing, feminine self. It seems to me that family life has become like an assembly line - go from task A to task B to task C and finally rest. Somedays my heart weeps at this, but I have no solution at this time.

My heart goes out to Priya and to others like her. At least Priya realizes that she does not have the time and freedom "to be a woman" and she most probably does her best to make up for it. I wonder how many women there are, who don't even realize this, who are quietly losing their womanhood without even being aware of it themselves.

We are in a time and place of increasing androgyny in roles and responsibilities. These days, women also undertake activities which were conventionally considered to be masculine, and similarly, things that were normally done by women are also being done by men. I believe that this is basically good. I think that an amalgamation of the masculine and feminine talents, the union of yin and yang energies leads to an increased awareness and wisdom, accomplishes more and is the higher stage of evolution.

I am not against the education, independence, equality and empowerment of women. I am all for them and have consciously made choices to encourage them in the women in my life. But what is the price we are paying for this to happen? In their drive to be financially independent and "equal" to men, women are certainly losing certain aspects of being a woman. Some losses are welcome - such as the loss of weaknesses which enabled men to oppress women, treat them badly, curtail their freedom, etc. Along with these, we are also losing some things which are invaluable and cannot be replaced, things which have implications at all levels - family, society, the world. It is a case of throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Despite having an active, aware yin-side to my psyche, I am not a woman. I don't know enough about women. So, I would never be able to make a comprehensive list of all the aspects of womanhood that are lost or will be lost in the future. But as a grateful receiver of many blessings from women, I can think of a few things -

• 100% nurturing time and care for the children and family cannot be provided.
• "Quality time" for the family as a whole is greatly reduced.
• Parents may not be aware of everything happening in their children's lives, and of all their needs and requirements.
• Women do not have enough time to take care of themselves and their personal needs, to form sisterly bonds with other women, to gather in women's circles to share, support, gossip and help one another.
• Old recipes are lost. The talent to come up with new ones is eroded. Families are not as nutritiously and healthily fed as they used to be.
• Family lore, traditions and practices are lost. On a wider scale, the traditional cultures of whole societies and nations are getting eroded.
• Home-grown knowledge, wisdom and medicines are vanishing.

That is just a short list that came off the top of my head. I am sure women themselves can add more items to that list, items which are more relevant and valuable to themselves, to their families and societies. As I mentioned before, these are invaluable things which are extremely difficult or almost impossible to replace once they are lost. If you think of more things which can be added to this list, please post them in this blog's comments.

I have to pause here to clarify that all women who work outside the home are not losing all of the above. There are certainly awesome women who do a great job on multiple fronts - career, family, personal, feminine. But looking at society/world as a whole, the erosion and loss of womanhood and feminity is undeniable. The fact that many women do not even perceive the loss, caught up in sweeping societal and global trends is lamentable.

My heart is as sad as Priyamvada's heart, when I think that my sons will not know women in a way that I've known them and my daughters will not be women, in a way that I've known women to be. I mean that in a very good way, especially as excellent care-takers of children and family. However they are, I can only hope that my children will be safe and happy, loving and well loved.

PS: The increasing androgyny in roles and responsibilities is also causing erosion in masculinity, but that is a different discussion.

Married 30+ women and the Bimbo Quotient!

There are exceptions to what I say below. So, ladies, please don't take this personally.

The trend is obvious: married and/or 30+ women are smarter, more sensible, more mature, form better opinions about issues, articulate those opinions better, resolve issues better (read: their responses/actions normally don't escalate an argument or problem), even flirt better, when compared with unmarried and/or 20's girls. I have no doubts that they also make better partners and lovers than the 20's girls.

What happens to women when they reach 30 and/or get married? Do you ladies have a secret initiation ceremony where some esoteric mantra is chanted into her ear and some synapses in the brain kick into action? Or is it, the result of living with, loving and making love to a man? I rather think it must be the latter.

Whatever it is, please do something to reduce the BQ* levels in your younger sisters! Pass on some advice, teach them some lessons, give them the secret mantra! Their BQ is more exasperating than entertaining, and it has a bad effect on the morale of single guys who hope to marry them someday!

*BQ - Bimbo Quotient. I coined a new phrase!

Sexist World

Posted on February 20, 2004 20:58 PM EST

We definitely live in a sexist world. I was listening to the radio this afternoon. Advertisement for some bar or pub. Ladies get in free all night and special drinks prices for ladies only! Cover charge for guys after 10 PM!

Imagine how much trouble the pub would have had from feminists and other groups, if it did the opposite - charge extra for ladies. Not to mention the fact that it would run out of business because of boycott by the ladies.

The word sexist is usually used and get lot of attention in situations where women are at a disadvantage. In all other situations - be it something as simple as a gentleman opening a door for a lady to something like doors in many places and stages of life opening magically for a lady (especially if she is pretty) - sexist behavior or discrimination is hardly mentioned.

Most pretty ladies probably go through their entire lives without knowing how difficult some simple things can be for the rest of us. Whether it is getting work done at a government office or influencing a bunch of people to go with a certain plan for a holiday activity or enlisting someone's help for anything, on a typical day, things just happen for them. I don't envy their ease or the many unwanted attentions and advances they have to endure. But I do wish that the stupid obstacles would not come up in the path of hairy beasts like yours truly... especially in places like government offices.

Bottomline is, as long as there are different sexes in the world, sexist behavior and discrimination will exist. It is ok. It is ok as long as it benefits people. It is not ok if it harms them. It is ok if a pretty girl breezes through the process of getting a driver's license. It is not ok if the lecherous government official held up my processing just because he did not like my face. It is okay if my grandmother feeds me a couple more idlis than I want because she believes I should grow up into a strong boy. It is not okay if she feeds my sister a couple less idlis than she wants just because she is a girl.

We are different genders. Let us accept the fact. Let us accept the countless things - big and small - that make us different. Let us celebrate the differences. Let us accept the positive consequences of those differences. And let us address the negative behavior and practices with empathy and open mind and love. Let us have the love to accept certain things that cannot be changed. Above all, let us not forget that, as the yin-yang symbol shows, there is a little bit of the other gender in all of us.