Friday, February 23, 2007

Defeated in Love

Love has been a life-long quest. I have sought the true companion, the soul-mate since as far back as I can remember, even as a very small child. There has always been a need for the partner who is compatible in body, mind and spirit; with whom I share open, uninhibited and complete affection, attraction and bonding; with whom I would be totally happy and at complete peace, sharing every aspect of our lives with each other.

However, true companionship has always been elusive, despite the many nice people I met and shared a connection with. Now, at 30, I am a very tired and defeated man.

I like to sing, I love to sing, and there is always a song in my mind, heart or mouth. I have mostly sung solo. I have never met anyone who could truly sing duets with me. I have met many people who can sing well, who are trained in music, who love to sing just as I do; I have even met people who have wanted to sing with me; heck, I have even sung a duet or two with them. Yet, the one who can truly sing with me – the one who can match my voice, pitch, range and style, the one who knows, understands and can sing a similar repertoire of songs from different languages and time periods – has eluded me. Even the few people I have met, who can match my singing in most of the ways, are not able to sing with me for one reason or the other.

The story of my love life is no different. Despite the many fine people I have met, despite some of them liking me, despite a few of them even loving me, I have mostly been alone. I have not been able to find anybody to share all aspects of my life with.

What have I not done for love? I have lied, cheated, debased and dishonored myself, allowed myself to be cursed and insulted, lost my principles, my character, my sense of self-worth, my self-confidence, my innocence and idealism, my enthusiasm and zest for life, and lot more… all for the sake of love. I have never misrepresented myself – that is, shown myself to be somebody I am not, or exaggerated things about me – to win somebody’s love. However, I have lied and cheated to ‘protect’ the one I loved (and who I thought loved me) from getting hurt… or so I have told myself. Regardless of the motivations, reasons and excuses, lying and cheating causes incredible damage, it eats away the very fabric of life. I have always known that. Yet, I have risked even that for the sake of love.

What have I not done for love? So much time, effort and energy spent for it. So much suffering and heartache endured. I have not fully enjoyed some of the best years and moments of my life simply because my mind and heart were elsewhere, engaged (and usually hankering/suffering) in the throes of love, in the pursuit of someone with whom I wanted to sing my song at the time. It is a tremendous amount of effort and energy spent in this pursuit - so much that, I am surprised that I have been able to achieve anything else in life with the leftover energy. If I never loved, if I could have channeled all that mental, emotional, spiritual attention, energy and power into some other cause, I am certain that I would have achieved something world-class by now.

Anyway, having put in all that time and effort into love, despite the defeat, I don’t want to give up on it. I don’t want to compromise and just go through the shopping-cum-business-transaction of an arranged marriage. That won’t work for me. I want the crazy enthusiasm, blind trust, naïve openness, singing heart and total commitment of love. Only then will I marry. Until I have such a love, I’d rather stay defeated, than just ‘settle’ in life.

10 comments:

  1. LL

    Then follow your heart with all conviction. Wishing you luck!
    DB

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  2. This was so dead on and relatable. Reminded me of something I wrote around the same time period fellow Libran :)

    http://zen-denizen.blogspot.com/2007/01/all-critics-love-u-in-new-york.html

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  3. Hi

    Dont know if the kind of love u are talking about really exists. If it does, hope u find it at the earliest.

    Guess u had a pleasant trip to our bangalore.

    Usha

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  4. I used to be that way. Or maybe I still am. I don't know.

    Hope is such a funny thing. At times I feel like it's a tease. Other times it's a thing with feathers that takes me to places that I have never been before.

    I feel ambivalent.

    I am so not going to talk about love. :-)

    Take Care
    Aure

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  5. Dear LL,
    Ciao, it's me again. You sound very sad. I'm absolutly sure there is someone out there for you, but don't look to hard. You will meet someone someday, just be patient.
    I think that before we came to earth, our souls all agreed to be with eachother at one time or another in our physical lives. I think that I chose my parent's and my sister and brother(and they chose me). Before you came to earth you might of picked a day on when you would find your soul-mate, and that day is perfect for only you! That day will come, sooner or later. There are times in my life where I have felt completely hopeless, when I felt like my life was pointless... but keep your chin up and keep taking life one day at a time. Libran lover, you sound like a very wise and likable person. Please stop mourning for what you don't have and look forward to what you do have....but don't stop dreaming about your dream gal, she will come someday-promised!
    Your addicted reader,
    MariaSweet!!!
    P.S. Happy birthday! I'm a libra too, and my birthday just happened, so your birthday must be somewhere around mine.

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  6. MariaSweet,

    Thanks for the nice, encouraging words. Even I believe what you wrote about souls experiencing life with other souls.

    Thanks for the birthday wishes! And belated wish to you too! I hope you had a great day and will have a wonderful year ahead. Good luck!

    LL

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  7. Hey there,
    It seemed as if the post was speaking directly to me :)

    Keep the faith alive... and the force will be with you

    And if nothing works out , let me know where can i send you my birth details ;)

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  8. Hi how r u..this is sandy..i gone through ur page.tears in my eyes,u know y.ur words..it reflects me ..exactly ..nothing to say.take care always

    "What have I not done for love? I have lied, cheated, debased and dishonored myself, allowed myself to be cursed and insulted, lost my principles, my character, my sense of self-worth, my self-confidence, my innocence and idealism, my enthusiasm and zest for life, and lot more… all for the sake of love. I have never misrepresented myself – that is, shown myself to be somebody I am not, or exaggerated things about me – to win somebody’s love. However, I have lied and cheated to ‘protect’ the one who i love..crazy enthusiasm, blind trust, naïve openness, singing heart and total commitment of love. Only then will I marry. Until I have such a love, I’d rather stay defeated, than just ‘settle’ in life."

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  9. This post speaks out what I am feeling at this very moment of life. Thank you:)

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  10. I have been exactly through this several times... with more or less the same results every time... namely defeat... i think i am getting a take on this... what happens here is that we compromise (lower) our intelligence and consciousness to such a large extent, in order to "purify" or love... that by the time when we reach the near zero conscious level, only where we can find true and unadulterated love, we are left totally vulnerable to be hurt by anyone and everyone, who has even a inch of consciousness more than us, they are not wrong as they are always "guarding" themselves from the vulnerabilities of true love, while we gradually become more and more unguarded with almost no consciousness to safeguard our interests or values, till the time we become "unrealistic lovers" to them.... am sad and sorry to conclude that i believe that probably people like us are a little less "evolved" than the most of the crowd around us... and so more easily and likely to be hurt when partnering with someone more evolved... its evolution at work... cant do a shit about it... as much as we wud want to... human consciousness is taking over the sub conscious... so materialistic love is taking over the true and idealistic love... we can only long to go back...

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