This is the 300th published post on this blog. Strictly speaking, this is not really the 300th post. I have one post on 'Addiction' that has been sitting in Drafts for so long. But it is so intensely personal, I have not had the guts to publish it yet. Also, there were a few previously published posts which got deleted. Nevertheless, as things stand now, this is the 300th published post on this blog.
I started blogging about two months after I moved to Phoenix, Arizona. This blog has been a companion through my life since then. It has not been the kind of life I expected at all. It has been intensely tough and trying. I feel like the arid desert has sucked up the love and vitality from my being, leaving it dry and lifeless.
I came to Phoenix in late November 2003 with hopes for a new beginning in life, in love, in my career. When I came here, I had gone through some unhappiness and defeats in life, but I still retained some part of the original happiness and undefeated spirit with which we are all born. Incredibly, I even had some of my original innocence.
The pre-Phoenix unhappiness and defeats were nothing compared to what has happened since then. Now, I have utterly lost it. There is not a single sphere of life in which I feel happiness and contentment, in which I feel I am in control, or at least feel like I am an equal partner with destiny - not in personal life, not in personal relationships, not in my finances, not in my career, and certainly not in love. I am totally tamed, utterly powerless and with no free will to influence any of these aspects of my own life. The loss of spirit is so complete that I don't even know for sure what exactly I want in any of these areas of life!
Is this what they call mid-life crisis?
The state of my life is hard for me to believe. I know it would be unbelievable for anybody who knew me from my previous lifetime. That was a time when I was fiercely independent and strong-willed. I used to live in a kind of special aura or halo which protected me from all the mundane trivialities and hardships of life. I was untouchable and impeccable. I did pretty much what I wanted to do and the Universe had a way of conforming to my will. Eventually, life used to turn out pretty much the way I expected it to go. I got better grades than almost all my friends, got a real job before any of them, travelled abroad before any of them, made more money than them. Success was something that just happened. Love used to be the only thing which did not work like I wanted it to... but I had this blind and total faith that it would eventually work out just right for me.
How did things come to this state? For the most part, I thought I made all the right choices. At every stage, in every circumstance, I did what I thought was the best. But every choice, every action seemed to have totally unexpected and undesirable consequences. All I could do was watch in helpless horror and defeat as each attempt of mine to make things better only resulted in things getting worse. And it all happened so fast. The past four-and-a-half years in Phoenix are a blur. It still feels like I landed here only early last year. Yet, I have stayed here more than double the amount of time I spent in the previous city!
Today, in this early morning hour, I look at each aspect of my life - my personal life, my personal relationships with family, friends, colleagues, my financial situation, my career and my love. And I still shake my head with disbelief. I had never thought that at this point of my life (31.5 years old), I would be in this state or situation, in any of these aspects of my life. I never thought that I would be so simply and totally defeated.
This blog is more about my journey through love, than anything else. So, I'll talk about love. Even at this stage in life, love is as usual the one thing which causes me the most angst and discontent. It is stuck in my throat like a golf ball-sized lump. Can't swallow it, can't spit it out. It chokes my breath and tears my eyes. The utter inability to communicate, to feel, to share, to care, to just BE, together, in unison, in sync for even a single moment is terribly defeating and immensely painful.
Things were simpler and orders of magnitude less painful when my love and defeats were all solitary, one-sided. But the addition of others, their feelings and their angst into the mix multiplies everything exponentially! It is so overwhelming, I am not even able to express it in words... So, I'll just end this here.
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And by end this here, I hope you mean the post and not the blog. I enjoy being on this parallel journey with you.
ReplyDeleteYes, Zen, just the post.
ReplyDeleteDear LL,
ReplyDeleteSorry to see you so dispirited. I hope things get better for you.
In my down moments (and there have been many in the last 2 years) I tell myself "this will pass". And it will.
Take good care of yourself.
Priya.
Thanks, Priya. I hope this will pass soon. Can't wait to get back to the way I used to be!
ReplyDeleteHi there, I have been in your shoes before. It is painful and sad, but know that you will make it through to find the love that is meant especially for you. Thanks for all your insights into love and life. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDelete"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” -Woody Allen
ReplyDeleteLife is cyclical, Libran Lover. However, you must try something different. I'm going to make a few assumptions/suggestions based on the limited amount I know about your life.
1. Is Phoenix the best possible place you could be living? I mean in terms of demographics- singles, young professionals, single Indian women? Now, I know nothing about your network of friends in Phoenix- and you may have a lot- but is it the best possible network you could have? I live in San Francisco and I know if it wasn't for my huge network of friends, and my boyfriend, I wouldn't be so happy. It took a good ten years to establish this extended family. Cities like SF and NY are just simply conducive to meeting friends...friends of friends, etc. Consider the demographics.
2. You're so young. Cut your financial losses and move forward... you have your whole life to make it up. Most of us have houses in which property values dropped, gas is over $4, groceries cost a bundle and many Americans have gotten into serious credit card debt. Our economy sucks- you're not alone. Just wait until the baby boomers drop off (sorry- that's morbid) and suddenly there will be a glut in the job and housing markets. Consider the global perspective, not just what's happening now.
3. There's nothing worse than the aching loneliness of being single, and not wanting to be single. Just keep putting yourself out there- there are so many girls for you but you have to find them. The best advice I've ever had on this is "Don't turn down any invitation."
4. We all go through friends, relationships and jobs that just don't stick. If you feel like you're on an elliptical machine and can't wait to get off- then you're doing the wrong kind of exercise.
5. Is your unhappiness due solely to external factors? You've heard "Wherever you go, there you are". If you think you're mildly unhappy even during the best of circumstances, kick it up a notch. I'm happy externally, but I also exercise regularly, practice yoga and meditate, take a multi-herbal pill called "Positive thoughts" daily and get plenty of sleep. In addition, I surround myself with positive, balanced people because energy is mighty contagious.
6. In Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love" she claims,
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
I hope things get better for you, Libran Lover. You are clearly so smart, insightful, poetic and empathetic... the world SHOULD be your oyster. Things will turn around for you- I just know it.
Maree - Thanks for the kind words.
ReplyDeleteAmerican girl - That was a GREAT comment. Thanks so MUCH. Many of your words hit the right spot. I will keep your comment in mind. I hope you had a great weekend.
LL
Hmmm. I wonder if some of your feelings stem from wanting waht has already come and gone? You won't ever be as you once were, but, then again, why would you want to be? You have evolved and grown and been given the chance to take all your experiences with you into the future to be a better person.
ReplyDeleteOf course, there are aspects of life you can (and probably want to) improve and invest more in... like the feeling of being alive, joyful, pleased with life's small accomplishments.
I would say that in the future to try and not put so much pressure on yourself. The task to "figure out" love is a no-win task, for love isn't figured out in the brain. It happens through feeling, experience, time and tenderness.
My heart goes out to you LL. I am much older than you but can relate to your pain. In my younger days I had afeeling of such a strong power inside myself that I thought I could set the world on fire if I chose to do so. After a lot of misses found a love that was passionate, interesting, full of laughter and deep conversations and music and joy. Only to see it all come crashing down in circumstances I never imagined happening. Every aspect of my life followed suit and it is an incredibly difficult thing to survive. I became reclusive, ashamed, how could one person's life be so totally filled with such negative events and hopelessness.
ReplyDeleteI hate to say this to you, but for me it lasted a very long time, and I not sure I am really out of it yet but have regained hope at least 50% of the time.
Who really knows the answers to life. In my youth those answers seemed so obvious, the longer I've lived the more I don't know, but sense there is a divine, a greater agenda going on.
It is possible that only a few fortunate people (although it doesn't feel anywhere close to fortunate) get to experience the pain and anguish you describe. That there is something in life waiting for us to experience or accomplish that requires a heart tenderized by this kind of emotional turmoil. Or possibly it is God saying to us "wake up, you need Me and you are one I don't want to lose, pay attention".
I just recently discovered your blog, because of an Indian man who turned my head, touched my heart and effortlessly opened a door in my life I believed I had shut so tightly that I felt it only existed in memory. Our releationship is only for the moment and if that moment has not passed yet, it's bound to soon. The thing is, that he is as incredible and unexpected as any and all of the painful experiences that left me with a broken spirit.
Reading your words and thoughts I've heard wisdom and kindness. Thank you for sharing. It's like pouring a water of love out into the world not knowing what thristy person may take a refreshing drink.
Life is a journey and we experience joy and sorrow that overwhelms us and cannot be fully shared so as to satisfy the happiness or the pain. As the poet Kahlil Gibran so eloquently wrote about, joy and sorrow go hand in hand, and their heights and depths are equal.
Long may you run Libran Lover.
Eve
Eve,
ReplyDeleteThank you SO MUCH for that beautiful and touching comment.
Good luck and happy trails to you in all your journeys.
LL
Our life is like a contiguous set of areas, feelings, emotions. And surprisingly they are so contagious we sometimes don't even realize. When one aspect of the life (probably love life) is not going well and if it means a lot to you, it paints all the other aspects in a similar color and one starts to feel as if the world has come crashing down. However, if we dig deep it may not always be so.
ReplyDeleteCompare yourself to people around you, do you have anything more than they do? You will realize you can think of at least a 101 things you have that others may not have. How about exulting just because you have your two hands and two full legs - many people don't have those. There are a number of positive things to look for in life. One just has to change the perspective sometimes.
The situation you are in is a common situation, I am guessing, most of the people come across often, at one point or another in their life. This is what is called life. This is the journey where the scenery around keeps on changing as you travel along the road. Take it in, learn from it and keep moving.
LL, Your eloquent posts have become a part of my world! I love your forward thinking & open mind. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks you are magnificent. I'm sad that you are sad. I hope you find pece, love, & happiness within yourself, it is then that you will encounter a true love to share all of you with. Remember people will forget what you say in life & people will forget what you do but people never ever forget how you make them feel and you have made many people feel "not alone" that is priceless! You are NOT alone. You have many fans! If you only knew :)
ReplyDeleteSorry LL..... My name is Karla & I just posted ending with "if U only knew :) "
ReplyDeleteI accidently posted anonomously, that was my 1st post....
Take Care,
Karla
Hello Karla,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and thanks so much for the kind words. Please do keep visiting the blog (although I don't post as much as I used to or I'd like to).
Cheers,
LL
Hello LL, thank U for thanking me! :) Please don't ever stop with your posts! U R by far the most awesome blogger when it comes to posting anything about dating an Indian man. My boyfriend is from India & has only been here 2 years.
ReplyDeleteU have shed so much understanding of the Indian culture & family struggles theses awesome Indian guys have to go through when dating a white woman. I'm very lucky 2 have such a mentaly strong boyfriend!!
Have U ever posted anything on You Tube? I searched for a video blogger that would compare to U & no one could even come close! U are a "Stud Blogger" !!!
- So if U are tired of writing! Whip out your camera & share your wisdom with the world! You Tube needs U LL!
PS.... I hope U are feeling better these days :)
Fondly,
Karla USA
It has been a few months since you posted your blog about feeling lost in this world. Are you feeling any different or do you still feel as though you have no control?
ReplyDeleteThis life it seems is sold to us growing up believing that we are suppose to be always be in control, and everything is "just perfect". But in reality, we often struggle to find ourselves. The things we once thought would make us happy, don't. The people we believed would always be there, are not. The work we do should make a difference, but often we find it doesn't. We are suppose to be happy by the things we attain but in truth, we still feel like something is missing.
Is it a mid-life crisis? Maybe. Or is it that we reach a point where are soul is growing and changing, and we aren't certain what to do.
Your blogs and posts have caught my attention because I once dated an East India man and although it didn't work, I learned from the experience. I wanted a man's perspective on things and your posts have inspired me.
Life is a struggle, but without struggle, we cannot grow. If life was so perfect then we never seek to better ourselves. Finding yourself sometimes means taking a step back, figuring out the things that you feel blessed with, change the things that bring unhappiness or drama and not to be afraid to move forward.
I hope you find your way out of this "funk" and see that you bring to many of us on here so much joy. We would hate to not see you on here anymore.
Nancy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words. In reality, based on the facts on the ground, my life now is not much different from what it was when I originally published this post. But, I have come to accept that for whatever reasons, my life at this stage is supposed to be stuck in second gear. So, I am not worrying about it too much. I am just going forward and living life the best I can. In fact, I am too busy these days to worry about these things... although I do think about them once in a while.
Anyway, I hope your life is going great. Thanks again for stopping by and for all your kinds words on this post, and on the other one too. Please do keep coming back.
LL