Notes from the Future 3 - Introducing Google Lifeline

The following post was published on the The Official Google Blog on October 15th, 2015.

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Introducing Google Lifeline

Posted by A S, Innovation Evangelist


Today I am pleased to present a whole new way of organizing - and searching, of course - all your life's information: Google Lifeline.

Lifeline is a chronological view of every bit of information you have collected in your Google account. Think of it as a really detailed, really accurate and totally searchable personal history.

Lifeline gathers all your personal data and presents it in a well-integrated, intuitive timeline interface. Just click on any point of the timeline and you will be able to read, listen or watch all the data you have collected during that timeframe. You can bring up every email, document, bill, photo, video, purchase, prescription, phonecall from that time period. You can zoom in to narrow down the timeframe to a particular second in time or you can zoom out all the way to include your entire Google lifetime. Your Google lifetime begins when you sign up for a Google account to use any of Google's popular services.

Here are some of the interesting uses that our employees have found for Google Lifeline during our internal tests:

1. Susan, a Mint.com user since the days of its beta opening and long before it was acquired by Google, was able to do a quick search to find out how much she has spent at coffee shops per year, in the last five years. Although she knew that she is a coffee addict, the answer still shocked her.

2. Rob, who uses his Google Checkout-enabled phone to make purchases in grocery stores and restaurants, is able to analyze his entire grocery shopping and eating-out history for the past 5 years for "heart-stoppingly good" items he has purchased and compare it side-by-side to his medical history from Google Health, to discover how his dietary habits affect his health.

3. Melissa was curious to see what her highest electricity consumption in a 24-hour period was and when that happened. Melissa has a Google Powermeter installed in her house and the data of her electricity usage has been integrated into Lifeline. It showed a clear spike in her power consumption on a day in late 2009. Curious to know more about why her power consumption was so high, Melissa zoomed in to the one week period before and after the high-power day and browsed her purchases in Lifeline. It showed that she had bought a brand new big-screen TV, party supplies and the DVD version of the latest Star Trek movie. That reminded Melissa, an avid Trekkie, about the Star Trek party she had hosted for fellow-Trekkies with a marathon showing of every Star Trek episode and movie on her new big-screen TV. Melissa was able to view the photos and videos from that party on the Lifeline - photos and videos that she had uploaded to Picasa, as well as the ones uploaded and shared by all her friends.

4. Ashwini has an unusual hobby - she collects "heartstones", stones which are shaped like hearts. She has picked them up from her hikes and travels all over the world, from undersea dives to tops of mountains to cheap jewellery stores in middle Eastern flea markets. Every time she picks up a new stone, she takes a picture of the stone and uploads it to her online album. Ashwini was browsing her heartstone pictures on Lifeline and she came across her very first stone, which had been a gift from her husband when they had barely known each other for a week! Using Lifeline, she was quickly able to bring up all the emails and text messages she had exchanged with him around that time and re-live the heady days of their budding romance. She was even able to listen to the songs her husband sang to her on her Google Voice voicemail during the days of their courtship. She was able to do all this without leaving the Lifeline page even once.

5. The most romantic Lifeline story is perhaps my own. You are already aware that if you use a GPS-enabled phone, you can record every step you take on a trip to form your personal 'trails' on Google Maps. The feature of viewing photos from a trip as a time-compressed virtual trip on Google Maps or Google Earth is much appreciated and used by our users. Now this information is also available on Google Lifeline. I was analyzing the shared trip data of all the Google employees on Lifeline, when I noticed that one person's trails seemed to intersect my own trails quite often. It appeared that over the years, this person had visited many places either shortly before or after I had been there. There were occasions when we had been in the same place on the same day, perhaps missing each other by mere minutes or by a distance of a few hundred feet! Given Google's significant employee count, I had never come across this person's name before. And given that we worked on opposite coasts, there was little chance of us running into each other in the office hallways or cafeteria. Yet, our travel trails had been intersecting in places far and wide, across the globe, quite often and regularly in the preceding 5 years. The number of intersecting points - in time and space - were high enough to be statistically significant. I shot off an email to this person to share the strange serendipity in our travel trails. I am extremely happy to say that for the past year, our travel trails have not been intersecting, they have been coinciding, in both time and space. And, we hope it will be so forever in the future. I won't claim that I would not have met my fiance, if not for Google Lifeline. The way our trails were intersecting, we were destined to run into each other sooner or later. But Lifeline did help make it sooner rather than later, by helping me see the intersections of our trails in both space and time.


Today I am really excited to open up Lifeline to everybody, to help organize your life's information and access it easily. I can't wait to hear stories of the innovative uses that you will no doubt find for this awesome tool.

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PS: You might also be interested in the first 'Notes from the Future' feature on this blog - My Buddy. This one was published long before anybody had heard about Apple's iPhone. Interestingly, I had originally named it "Google Buddy" until friends advised me to get rid of the Google name.

Handling One-sided Love

It happens to all of us at one time or the other: we fall in love with someone who does not love us back the same way as we love them. one-sided love. Unreturned love. Unreciprocated love.

One day you are innocently living your own life. The next day, you start to notice this cute person at school / work, or this charming new person in your social circle, or you befriend this person online who seems to be very interesting, or you start to date somebody to whom you are very attracted. At first it is just this admiring attraction you feel, that you are barely aware of yourself. Then, there comes a moment when you realize that you are hopelessly in love with them, and have been so for the past few days / weeks. One-sided love is like that... it has the nasty habit of creeping up on you unexpectedly.

Regardless of how it starts, one-sided love is one of the most painful experiences to go through. The pain is especially great when it is first love. One of the cruel realities of human life is that for most people, first love is indeed one-sided love.

Love happens. It is extremely hard to consciously choose with whom, when and how you fall in love. So, it is almost impossible to avoid one-sided love. Falling in that trap is in itself very bad and very sad. But it is what you do after the fall that's important. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to do things which compound matters more and cause the pain to be far greater than it needs to be.

One-sided love is my old friend. I have been on both sides of the equation. I have experienced the pain, difficulties and discomfort of the one who fell in love and did not find it reciprocated. And I have noted with surprise and much misery that being the object of one-sided love can be an equally painful experience, if not worse. I have enormous compassion and empathy for those who go through this misery on either side. I present this post with the humble hope that it might be of some help to the unfortunate souls going through the hell of one-sided love.

Undoubtedly, some of what I write below will sound like actions that drive the final nail on the coffin of your love and bury it. So, this advice will be hard to accept for people who still harbor hopes that their love will succeed. But trust me, when I say that these actions are not aimed at burying your love. These actions are primarily focussed on helping you heal and be strong. And if there is even a remote possibility, for your love to succeed, these very actions will draw out that possibility and help it become a reality. As such, all that I write below is totally valid and applicable whether you have given up on your love and want to move on, or you still harbor hopes that it will succeed. In either case, you would do well to heed this advice.


When to give up?


You fall in love. You share this fact with your beloved, with much anxiety and fear, hoping upon hope that they feel the same way towards you. But alas, you learn that they do not "like you that way" or "never saw you like that" or "can never have that type of feelings for you". There is immediate dejection, your heart feels heavy as a mountain in your chest. Then what?

You try again. The next hour or next day or next week, you have another talk with the person you love. You hope to convince them with logic or sentiments. You try desperately to make them see the beautiful vision of a future together that fills your eyes, you try to fill their hearts with the overwhelming, tender feelings that fill your own. But without success. Then what?

It can be very tough to know when to recognize that your love will never succeed, that you should give up and move on. It is especially tough to realize the futility of it all when you are young. And even if you realize that it is a failed venture, it can be tough to give up and let go without trying your best, without putting some desperate effort into it, without fighting for that ultimate love you so ardently believe in.

So, at what point should you give up? Unfortunately, there is no right answer to that question. Just as we cannot predict when the heart will fall in love, we cannot predict when the heart will be ready to give up and move on. Worse, we cannot predict the heart of the other person - who knows, it might turn around and fall for us, if only we remain true to our love for a few more days or weeks. So, I cannot tell you exactly when to give up. A good rule of thumb is to give up as soon as the communication from both sides has been very clear and unambiguous. You have expressed your love clearly and the other person has rejected you unambiguously? Time to move on.


Don't try too hard


You have talked 2 or 3 times to the person you love to see if they love you back the same. They don't. Then what to do with them? Nothing. Just let go. Even if you madly, desperately love them, don't try to make them. Keep the mad love in your own heart. Don't drown the other person with your feelings. Don't try too hard.

You can't use logic to convince anybody to love you. You cannot charm them into loving you, against their wishes. You cannot force or make anybody love you, if they don't already feel the love for you. Moreover, convincing somebody to love you with your charm, beauty, money or sex is not the best way to get love. Love cannot be bought like that. The best and most enduring love is the one which rises in the heart on its own, inspired merely by the being of the other person, without needing extra efforts or convincing from anybody. Such love will flow effortlessly and naturally, of its own accord.

Whatever you do, don't try too hard to make somebody love you. I can never stress this enough. By trying too hard, you might actually be killing any small chances there might be for the other person to fall for you. Growing things need lots of room to grow freely and playfully. You can't convince a wild tiger or wolf to come out and play with you by trying too hard and chasing it all over the jungle. The most you can do is regulate your own behavior and hope for it to come to you on its own. Who knows, if you are lucky, things might flow your way. But don't try too hard lest you kill your chances yourself.


Walk away and keep away


The other thing you do when your love is not reciprocated is just walk away. Put some distance between the person you love and yourself. In fact, if you know for sure that they will never love you back, it is best if you don't run into them or communicate with them at all. At least temporarily. Perhaps later, when your heart has let go and healed, there may be a chance to resume some form of acquaintanceship or friendship. But when your love for them is still burning bright, when the wound of rejection is still fresh, when your heart is still hurting, any type of regular and/or close contact should be avoided.

Some people fear that by keeping away from the person they love, they may be killing what little chance they may have with them. The opposite is true. When you are away, it gives the other person a chance to realize what they are missing by not having you around. If they realize that and truly want you, they will come seeking you on their own. If they don't realize anything of the sort, it means they didn't notice you or value you all that much to begin with. So, you are better off being away from them.


Don't do stuff together


In a way, this point is same as the previous point about keeping away from the object of your love. But this is important enough that I am spelling it out explicitly. Before you fell for that person, the two of you might have been in a relationship where you did stuff together. You might have been buddies, classmates, colleagues, or part of some hobby/special interest group. But now that you have expressed your romantic interest and have been rebuffed, it is better that you avoid such combined activities.

This may require you to go through some inconvenient changes in your own life. Change classes at school? Change departments at work? Stop hanging out at the same social haunts or events? Delete them from your online contact lists, phone address book, etc.? Even change the gang of friends whom you meet regularly? The idea is to keep interaction / contacts with the person you fell for at a bare minimum or none.

This advice is most important if you were doing 'couple stuff' before one of you fell in love seriously. By couple stuff, I mean things like casual dating, going out for movies or dinner as a twosome, or even a friends-with-benefits / casual sex type of relationships. If you were doing such things, and one of you fell in love seriously, where as the other person doesn't want to get serious, put a complete stop to all the 'couple stuff'.

It can be very painful to regularly interact, even as just friends or colleagues, with a person who doesn't reciprocate your ardent love. You are constantly reminded of what you love, desire and want, but can't have. It's a torture for the body, heart and soul. It makes moving on and healing very tough. It comes in the way of getting a proper perspective on things. Don't let yourself go through that torture. End the interactions.


Don't stalk or obsess


Being in love means being constantly concerned and interested about everything going on with the person you love. This comes very close to stalking and obsessing. Stalking isn't restricted to just physically following someone around everywhere. Physical following is something you should never do with someone who doesn't reciprocate your love. Remember - walk away and keep away! But suppose circumstances don't allow you to totally avoid interacting with the person towards whom you feel one-sided love. Suppose you are classmates or colleagues, and you are unable to change classes or jobs. Then what? If you can't be physically away, at least try not to mentally obsess about the person. I know this is easier said than done. To love someone is to think about that person constantly. But you can certainly avoid obsessive behavior like trying to know everything about them, keeping tabs on what is going on with them, listening to their conversations with others, constantly checking their blogs or social networking pages and updates (Facebook, Orkut, MySpace, etc.), following them online to participate in the discussions and postings they are involved in, etc., etc. These are the types of behavior you can and should avoid. Doing these things won't help you win their love. These things will in fact, push them farther away. And these actions keep you from healing and moving on.


Don't try to share and heal together


It's stupid to think that a person who loves and another person who doesn't return that love can share the hurts caused by this same unreturned love, and can heal together. You may genuinely care for each other. You might even have been good friends in the past. But as things stands now with one person wanting something more than the other person is willing to share or give, there is no way for peace and healing to be experienced together. You can certainly heal, but on your own. Or with some other caring friend or lover. Not with the person you love and who can't love you back. Don't even attempt this because the opposite will occur. The constant reminder of unreturned love will hurt you more. It will cause the other person to feel worse also.


Don't become weak or ill


Whatever you do, for god's sake don't become weak or fall ill - physically or mentally. It is not worth it at all. Not worth spoiling your health over someone who doesn't return your love. It is not fair to yourself. It is not fair to the other person. It also doesn't make you any more attractive or love-able. In fact, by falling ill, becoming weak or going loco, you are totally destroying any little chance there might have been of things working out for you. When the person wasn't attracted to you or didn't love you when you were healthy and happy, what makes you think that falling ill or going crazy makes you any more attractive and love-able. Just get a good strong grip on yourself and concentrate on living a steady, strong life. It's okay if you have to break-down and cry. Just don't stay broken or stay down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.


Ultimately, that is the gist of everything I have said above: when you are in love and it's not returned, just move on. Move on.

December Lunch

My lunch today was a six-course meal:

1. Slices of green apple, marinated and grilled portabella, grilled eggplant & red pepper, avocado and spinach, wrapped in a spinach tortilla with pepperjack cheese, dijon mustard, oil and vinegar. Lightly toasted.

2. One the side: lentil-potato-carrot salad & Cholula hot sauce.

3. One-third cup of sweetened lemonade mixed with two-thirds cup of unsweetened black iced tea.

4. A blue sky half covered with scattered clouds in all shades of dark, grey and white, and in all shapes and sizes.

5. Warm sun rays caressing my skin from between the clouds. Chilly breeze trying to get under my clothes.

6. Vista of the Northwest metropolitan Valley sprawling below me, with mountains beyond, everything covered by a patchwork quilt of cloud shadows.

To enjoy this lunch using a wall-buttress as a stand-up dining table, on the parking lot's 9th floor rooftop: the perfect beauty of the moment filled my stomach, heart and soul.

To love a girl...

To love a girl...

• Is to see the picture of a beautiful place and immediately think of your girl because:
  a. You want to share the beauty of the picture with her.
  b. You want to visit the place with her.


• Is to find yourself putting up with an inconvenient situation, and thinking that, "If my girl was with me in this situation, I would not put up with it. I would change it at once so that she would not have to go through this inconvenience!"


• Is to be casually looking at cell phones for sale online, and then unconsciously picking and choosing handsets and plans for your girl, for the time "when she will be here."


• Is for your girl to be the last person you think of when you fall asleep, and the first person you think of when you wake up, no matter what the time to sleep or wake up is.


• Is to accept & assume without a second thought that you will start drinking coffee daily when your coffee-drinking girl is with you, although you are not a habitual coffee drinker, and have infact resisted picking up the habit until now.


• Is to decide that you will never drink and drive when she is with you, for the sake of her safety. And, not even when she is not with you, to save her the bother of you getting in trouble. You were the guy who never before hesitated to drive after a drink or two!


• Is to know simply and undeniably, without a sliver of doubt, that the celestial maiden Menaka herself would not be able to tempt you right now, if she were to appear in front of you, because you are committed to your girl.


• To be in a state of tense desperation, due to circumstances, yet showing a cool & quiet face to your girl, because you don't want her to feel pressurized or disturbed.


• Is for every cell of your being, your heart to want her to be close to you, yet you hold back on expressing any want because she needs time and space.


• Is to be a hard ass, a bad ass, even an asshole to the rest of the world, but to be a docile donkey to your girl, cuz you don't like to see her upset.


• Is to run out of ideas and energy when she is not in your life, but to be full of inspiration and prolific creativity when she is there with you.


• Is to want to be totally generous with her and not hold anything back.


• Is to prepare your furnitures, home, heart and all your immediate surroundings with her in mind, although she is thousands of miles away; to infuse the landscape you live in with thoughts of her, so that it reminds you of her and makes you miss her... although she has never seen that landscape herself.

PS: The above sentiments were recorded at different times in late June and early July 2007... except for the last point, which was expressed more recently.

21 Tips to my 21-year-old Self

I will be 31 very soon. If I could go back 10 years and meet my 21-year-old self, what advice would I impart to him based on the past 10 years of my life? The following for sure:

1. True love is built over a period of time, by two people who reciprocate the feelings and share many experiences together, both good and bad. That kind of relationship is worth your heart-break and heart-ache, if it does not eventually work out. A relationship in which you are the only person who is in love, while the other person does not reciprocate similar feelings, is not love in its true, real sense. It is just infatuation. Even if your feelings are extremely intense, sincere and earnest, it is still just infatuation. It is okay to feel a little disappointed and sad if such a one-way infatuation does not pan out, but it is certainly not worth your heart-break and heart-ache.


2. Even if the person reciprocates your feelings of sincere infatuation and affection, in their own way, but the two of you don't actually have a relationship, don't even call each other lovers or partners, don't spend time together, sharing the good things and the bad things which life has to offer, then it is not a true love relationship. It is just a two-way infatuation. If this does not turn into a true relationship, there is still no need to go through overwhelming heart-ache and heart-break. A little more disappointment and sadness is alright.


3. Never take more than three steps closer to someone you are interested in, without them reciprocating. In fact, the ideal situation is where both of you simultaneously, or at least alternatively, move closer towards each other taking one equal step at a time. But life is rarely ideal. You being a man, there will be many occasions when you have to take a few more steps closer to a woman, before she will take one step closer to you. Never let these 'few more steps' exceed three steps at any point of time. This is especially important at the beginning of the relationship when you barely know the woman. Don't throw yourself at her and pursue her unless she shows suitable interest and reciprocation. Of course, later on, when the loving partnership is steadily and firmly established, throw these calculations out the window and be totally generous and uncalculative with your beloved.


4. Women who don't express an interest in you during those first three steps, will almost never become interested in you later on. There seems to be an antenna in men and women, especially so in women, which subconsciously tells them very early on, whether they might pursue a relationship with someone. So, don't spend a lot of time and energy taking more than three steps towards someone who does not want to take even one step towards you. Don't think that you will not find love unless you work hard and take a lot of steps towards a lot of women. You don't need to. Repeat: YOU DON'T NEED TO.


5. You will come across women who will admire you and love you, simply for who you are, just for the way you normally live, talk and behave. With the woman who is right for you, you don't have to do anything different or extra, or put in a lot of hardwork and pain to make things work. Things will just work out naturally. All that you need to do is be yourself. Being yourself should include being sincere, being truthful, being clean and nice.


6. When a woman is interested in you, she will let you know. If she admires you or loves you, you will know. If she wants a relationship with you, that will become obvious to you soon enough. So, never ever deceive yourself with thoughts such as: "May be she will become interested in me, if I do this or that"; "May be she is interested in me, but just does not realize it herself"; "May be she wants me, but is simply not showing it"; "May be if I can convince her or just work a little harder, I can win her over"; etc.


7. You are smart, handsome, loving and love-able. There will be many women who think so. Even if you don't hear it from them aloud, you are all those things. So, don't pursue women, desperately seeking your own self-validation. Don't think that you are not handsome or love-able, just because someone you are infatuated with does not reciprocate your feelings. Don't think you are not all these things just because you don't have a girlfriend or a partner yet. There will be women who think you are all these and more, and who will love you for who you are. And, insha-allah, you will have that partner, who is right and perfect for you, who will admire and deserve all your good qualities, and will let you know that in no uncertain terms.


8. Value yourself, your personality, your feelings, your talents, your body. Do not throw them without restraint at every potential love interest. Remember that at the wooing stage, the more easily something is available, the less its perceived value is. By offering things to those who may not want it or seek it on their own, you are only devaluing those things. Don't spend a lot of time, energy and feelings in relationships which don't go anywhere either, or with people who you know will never be your long-term permanent lover-partner. In fact, don't spend any time or energy doing 'romantic' things with such people. Doing this also means de-valuing yourself. It is like throwing your highly valuable personal love into the trash can. You are wasting and throwing away something which actually belongs to your true love. Protect yourself, your time, your feelings, your energy. Keep them safe for the true love who will come into your life. Guard these things jealously for her.


9. Protect your virginity for your true love. It is okay to have pre-marital monogamous sex with your lover-partner, the person with whom you have a true, full-fledged (meaning steady and long-term sharing of life), loving relationship. It is definitely not okay with anybody else. Casual sex might be okay in theory, it might be okay for others. But it is not okay for you. It is an unclean and unhealthy food which won't suit your system nor your long-term health. Worse, it is addictive food; it will weaken your soul, and will cause considerable pain and drain on your emotions like all addictions. Just don't do it, regardless of the opportunities and temptations. You will regret if you do it. You will wish that you could go back in time and re-live your life, without letting yourself get into casual sex. Protect yourself.


10. Just as you have a responsibility to protect yourself, you also have a responsibility to protect other people whose paths will cross yours. Just as you might have weak moments in love and passion, they will too. Just as you will feel hurt and regret when things don't work out, they will too. Protect these nice people who come into your life, whose only mistake (if it can be called that) is to love you, admire you and care for you. Protect them from the hurt that you will cause them or they will cause to themselves. Be especially wary of hurting these nice people in the long-term, while you try to avoid short-term hurt. This is a trap you will fall into repeatedly because you want to be nice to these nice people. Nice is okay. But, be totally honest, open and truthful with them, even if hurts them (and you) in the short term. They will be protected in the long-term. They will admire you for your courage and integrity, if you do that.


11. This needs repeating again: You don't need to do anything to find true love. Just be yourself. Be nice, be clean and truthful, be sincere, be healthy, and above all, be happy and patient. Take all that time and energy you will put into romance and love, and put it into your career, education, hobbies and other interests, into social activities, into smiling. True love will find its way to you on its own. You don't need to do anything else.


12. After that typical Libran Lover brand long lecture about love and romance, let's turn to your career. You will get into a software job. That means, you will have opportunities to go abroad. That means, you need a passport. For god's sake go get it done AT ONCE. Don't be the fool who runs from once government office to another, dragging your father and uncle with you, when opportunity comes knocking and you need a passport in a hurry. Just get it done IMMEDIATELY.


13. The very first time you come to the US, you will want to stay here long-term. Only you won't define what long-term is. You will have some vague notion in your head of long-term being "at least two years or more". Well, guess what, you are going to end up staying here for well over six years. Incredibly, you will spend almost 5 of those years, without actually taking any concrete steps to build the right foundation for a career and for visa/greencard processing, which will both help you stay here for the long term! You will just spend those 5 years with your head buried in the sand of a dead-end job. It will be FIVE long years of no pay increments, while the company's stupid policies will bring in new, junior people who will work under you for higher pay, and the prospect of your work visa expiring at the end of 6 years, which will finally get your ass moving. Do yourself a favor, and start doing something at least at the end of your second year in the US.


14. It won't help your career to be a jack of all trades, and master of none. You will spend much of your career in roles which will give you good exposure to a lot of different things, but just not enough mastery or authority on any one thing. It is an undeniable reality in life that great performers even if it is in lesser jobs get more recognition and satisfaction, than average performers in bigger jobs. The best way to grow in a career is to consistently be a great performer, going from smaller to bigger roles.


15. If you want something in your career, just go get it. This is the exact opposite of the love advice, where you just have to be yourself and love will come to you. In the realm of the career, waiting for things to come to you, or for the company or your boss to give you what you want, will never work. You just have to get it yourself... even if it means quitting the job and getting a different one. Just be clear about what it is exactly that you want, then go get it.


16. Never spend more than 1 hour at work, browsing the Internet for news and technological developments. Make every one of the other 7 hours count for productive work or directly work-related knowledge gain.


17. Don't buy that house in early 2006. Wait until late 2007, when the real estate market in the US is even more in the doldrums, and it becomes a buyer's market with a lot more inventory waiting to be sold. And, don't buy the house until you can make 20% down payment. 10% is just not good enough.


18. Get all the features you want the house to have, right when you buy it. Don't let others talk you into thinking that you can add extra features (like tiled floor rather than the carpet) later on. The "later on" might never come.


19. Buy real tangible gifts for your parents and other family members. Avoid giving them money to buy what they want. They usually won't buy anything. One fine day, you will realize that you have been working for 10 years and not bought a single real gift to your parents, despite sending money for birthdays and such!


20. Don't stop hiking when your regular hiking partners stop. You will find that a year or more has passed by without you hiking a single time, and you are out of shape! Shameful. Get out and hike by yourself, or find new hiking friends and groups. There are plenty out there.


21. Smile more. Don't be lost in your own world when people are around you. Take more interest in them, socialize more.

Fuck You, sellers of love!

To everyone who sold to me the ideas about love and romance - Fuck You very much! To every romantic book, movie, song and story I've come across - Fuck You very much!

The one thing that has caused me the greatest pain, hurt, tears, humiliation, damage, loss, grief, frustration is love.

To love itself - Fuck You very very much!

How to be the Perfect Girlfriend

Why non-Indian women prefer to marry than just date Indian men?

In the comments to my post on Indian men and Inter-racial dating, a reader calling himself hopefloats, wrote this in his comment:

3. dating->marriage - In many posts non-indian women quote "oh..indian men are not into marrying non-indian women..so we dont date them".
Even if we assume this is true..I dont understand why this is a big deal for non-indian women in US/Canada.Most of them anyways have multiple relationships/marriages before they settle down with their final partner. Here are the possible reasons
a) either it's a politicall correct cover for the ethnic/racial non-preference.
b) or, only for marriage, they want indian men..not for dating/having-fun.

Both Indian and non-Indian women quite frequently have this complaint about Indian men - that they date and 'have fun' with women from different nationalities and ethnicities, but when it comes to marriage, they prefer Indian women. It is as if Indian men are held to a standard where they are supposed to date only those women whom they might marry.

The reality is that most people in the world have a double-standard about whom they will date casually versus whom they will choose for a serious relationship like marriage. Men and women who date and have flings, may do so with a variety people. But for marriage, they will have specific preferences and expectations in the potential partner. So, they won't just marry anybody whom they might date. If casual dating is your thing, there is nothing wrong in having such differing preferences - it is practical and pragmatic.

I think that we hear complaints about this 'double-standard' quite often about Indian men from non-Indian women for two reasons. These reasons are somewhat different from those listed in hopefloat's comment above (I'm not saying I agree or disagree with his comment). The reasons I have in mind are:

1. Those who are affected are the ones who'll speak up more. The non-Indian women who genuinely fell for the Indian men and/or who were hoping to have a serious relationship with Indian men, are the ones most affected by Indian men preferring Indian women for marriage. So, obviously, they are the ones we hear from more. The women who are only dating Indian men casually are not too bothered by this, because hey, they are only in it for the fun. So, we don't hear anything positive or negative from them.

2. I suspect that there are not too many non-Indian women dating Indian men casually, just for fun. I don't have scientific data or statistics to backup my claim. However, it is common experience that most young people are not usually into experimenting with foreign stuff - even in matters such as food and entertainment. Young people usually prefer stuff they have grown up around, are familiar with. We are not done fully experiencing and experimenting with familiar stuff until we are almost into our 30's. Only after that, we start to look at what else is out there. So, by the time non-Indian women start to look at what else is out there and discover that interesting Indian man, they are past the phase of casual fun and are at an age when they want something more serious out of relationships.

There are no doubt exceptions to what I have stated above, but it is true for the most part. Reading the comments on this blog under posts such as Indian men and Inter-racial dating and Dating Indian Men II does show that most non-Indian women who are interested in Indian men are at a later stage in life when they are more interested in settling down in a serious relationship or marriage, than in just dating and having flings.

A Simple Story of Intimacy….

Read this story on one of my reader's blogs, and had to share it with the rest of you guys.

You may read it here: A Simple Story of Intimacy…

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Or, you may read the story below.

"When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
Weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that everyday for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Dew about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office… jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind… I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote,

I’ll carry you out every morning until death does us apart."

Getting Back into the Dating Scene

Before you misunderstand, no, I am not back in the dating scene. Sorry to disappoint ladies! ;-)

A nice lady who has been out of the dating scene for almost 10 years asked my advice on how she can get back into it. Here's my advice to her:

The best thing you can do right now is forget about dating, and concentrate on all the things which you are truly interested in, things you feel passionate about, things which bring you happiness, things that are not men. I feel that the best way to attract good people to ourselves is by being happy. When we are happy, people will come to us naturally. Some of those people will suck our happiness, some will share, some will increase our happiness. When you meet the person who increases your happiness, you know that you have found the person you want to date.

I am not really a believer in the 'dating techniques', rules, personal ads, being setup with someone, etc. I think that these are all market place techniques. I am not a market player. I am a Lover. And this is what I can tell you as a Lover.

I hope this helps.

Marriage questions

A few months ago, the NY Times published a set of 15 Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.

I am nowhere close to getting married now. But as an intellectual exercise, I thought it would be interesting to answer these questions now, and then see how I will answer these questions when I am actually getting married. After all, I am answering these questions alone now, and when I am closer to getting married, I will be answering these with somebody else. So, here are the questions and my answers to them.

Q: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Yes, we will have children. The mother will be the primary care giver. I will be the primary bread earner.

Q: Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Yes, we have three financial goals:
1. Use our money to ensure a comfortable living, to express our love by buying things which will please each other, and provide security to both of us.
2. Use our money to keep our children educated and healthy.
3. Use our money to provide for a secure retirement - this is an extension of the first, I guess.

Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? We will trust and support each other's judgment, of course. We will both be sensible for the most part... With an occasional bout of impulsiveness to delight and excite each other. I mean, how can I resist an expensive necklace, if that will delight her to the point of seducing me wearing the necklace and nothing else that evening? Or a trip to a beautiful place to make everlasting romantic memories?

Q: Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

The house will be clean. That's the primary thing. Since I expect to be the primary bread winner, I guess my wife will be the primary manager of the house itself. She will decide what goes where, what color, what decor, what brand of paper towels, etc. I will help her (or bother her! ;-)) when she cooks, cleans, does the dishes. We will also have special days and nights when I'll play master chef.

Q: Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

We will. My full physical history is more or less disclosed. The final tests are awaited. I don't have any history of mental issues.

Q: Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

This will be a certain "yes". If not, if there are any doubts, there is no point getting married, is there? It makes me happy when my partner is happy with my affections.

Q: Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Yes, of course. It's nice to be able to do that.

Q: Will there be a television in the bedroom?

No, of course, not. In the bedroom, all our attention will be on sleep... or on each other! ;-) Or may be on the books we are reading... or reading to each other.

Q: Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

I think I do. Even during the times I don't, I try my sincere best to do.

Q: Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

We are committed to Sanaatana Dharma. We will live our life for the Dharmic actualization of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa.

Our children will be exposed to our Dharma from the moment they are made. For, they will be made with our love, which stands on the steady, deep and firm foundation of our Dharma.

If I am not able to introduce my children to certain aspects of Dharma because of my caste, my wife and her family will introduce them. It is important for us that our children the guidance, encouragement and exposure to the right path.

Q: Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

I hope we do.

Q: Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Our parents have played a significant role in making us who we are. If we value and respect each other, we will almost certainly value and respect each other's parents also. Our parents will be integral part of our lives. However, they will not "interfere" in our relationship. I will certainly not allow anybody - friends, family or parents - to alienate me from my wife.

Q: What does my family do that annoys you?

Don't know. I hope there won't be anything serious.

Q: Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

Yes - each other!

Q: If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

I am already far from my family... Eventually, when my parents are much older, they will end up living with us. Her parents, may not live with us. But I hope they will be close. I have seen too many friends and colleagues in the near past, who had to rush to India (from the US) in a hurry, when their parents fell ill. I wouldn't want to put my wife or myself through that.

Q: Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Yes, of course. Once again, there is no point in getting married if we were not confident of that - confident not only in the other person, but also confident in our own hearts.

Three Touching Love Stories

Last weekend, when sitting and drinking with friends, I came across three amazing and touching love stories. All three are real stories. I hope to god that the characters involved do not mind my retelling those stories here. I am doing this with the best intentions of sharing something that truly touched me. Not to pass judgment or made adverse comments about anybody. So, help me god.

Respect for Love

The first story is almost straight out of the movie Kaadhalukku Mariyaadai, but without the happy ending. The title literally means, "Respect for Love". The guy - we shall call him Mr A - has known the girl for almost 10 years, since his college days. They have been together as gf-bf (girlfriend-boyfriend) for almost 8 years. They had committed to spend their entire lives together. But there was a problem - they were both from different religions, and for this reason alone, their relationship was totally unacceptable to both sets of parents. They tried a lot to convince the parents, to no avail. Now, Mr A and his gf had two choices:

1. Bow down to their parents' wishes and break off their relationship.
2. Ignore their parents feelings and get married anyway.

A couple of months or so ago, Mr A went to India, hoping to convince both sets of parents and get married to his gf. He is back now, and he tells me that his gf and him have chosen option 1. They have decided to break their relationship, and not get married to each other.

I can't believe it. I don't understand why they would do that. Clearly, the parents were being old-fashioned and illogical. This is no reason to break a truly loving relationship. How could any parents be so cruel to such young, idealistic love? Moreover, in every case that I have seen of people getting married against their parents' wishes, the parents eventually come round to accepting the relationship... a few months or years after the wedding. That is almost surely bound to happen with Mr A and his gf's parents also. So, they should not break the relationship. They should get married, regardless of what their parents thought. That was my thinking.

Mr A thought differently. He says that their parents might eventually accept their relationship outwardly, in appearance, in the presence of their kids. But privately, they would never fully accept it. He has seen his parents' friends, whose children have married against their wishes. Outwardly they seem to accept their children's decisions, but in the private company of close friends, they regret, grieve and cry over it. He says he does not want his parents to go through such an experience themselves, to spend their whole life never accepting his decision and grieving privately.

I was so amazed and touched by his way of thinking. I'd myself have never thought that way. I'd never have let anyone come in the way of my true love and myself, no matter what the cost. But then, I say that because I know how tough and painful it is to find true love, to find that one person with whom you want to spend all your life, and who feels the same way towards you. I know how hurtful it is to go through a lifetime of hits and misses. Perhaps, Mr A has not had such experiences, and so he is able to give up his dreams of spending a lifetime with his love.

Whatever the case may be, there is no denying the fact that Mr A has shown great maturity at such a young age (28 years), so much respect and consideration for his parents' love and feelings... more respect and consideration, in fact, than they have shown for his love and feelings.

Commitment for Love

The second story is of Mr B. He is married. He did not have a love marriage. His was an arranged marriage. He was introduced to his wife and got to know her over a couple of months of phone, email and chat conversations, while he worked in the US and she lived in India. Having not known her in person at all, he went to India, got married to her and brought her back with him. He tells me that it took fully two years for his wife and himself to reach a certain state of steady compatibility in their relationship. Those two years were a period of much puzzlement, pain and frustration. He desperately asked himself, "Why me?"

Indeed, why him? I know him as one of the most reasonable, easy-going and flexible people. He does not normally get into petty issues or ego clashes with people. I just cannot imagine him having conflicts with anybody, let alone with a woman, and that too his own wife. This is not to imply that one or the other person should be blamed for the conflicts. For whatever reasons to which we are not privy, conflicts happen. I know that between couples who are close together, it is often not possible to blame one or the other person. Their very closeness becomes an infinite feedback loop which can blow-up small differences into big conflicts, and with everyone losing track of where it all began.

Mr B went through all the conflicts and pains with commitment and tenacity, to reach a steady state at the end of two years. He mentioned talking about his problems with his dad and asking why things should be this way. His dad told him, "My son, this is life!"

Such a simple statement. But it amazed and touch me. For, there is so much meaning in it.

There are two ways of living:

1. There is the materialistic, consumerist way. Here, a person is constantly on the look-out to replace what s/he already has, with something better (a newer and better model of car, for example), and to constantly add more things into her/his life (the latest gadgets, anybody?). S/he is never fully content with what s/he has and thinks the way to happiness is to get newer, better and more things.
2. The other way is to accumulate a certain level of essential and important things, and after that, concentrating on living and experiencing life. Here, the person finds contentment and happiness in what s/he has achieved. S/he seeks fuller, deeper and more meaningful experiences, instead of a never-ending pursuit of discontent.

I think that when Mr B's dad said, "My son, this is life", he was alluding to the second manner of living above. A relationship is not something to be sought and exchanged and accumulated over and over again like material things. No. That is a bad way of going about a relationship. The right way is to find somebody who matches our basic, most important expectations and principles, and then commit to them and experience life in that commitment, come what may. This is what our parents, their parents and our culture teaches us. We don't give up on a relationship or on the most important person in our lives, in the face of difficulties. No. We remain committed and devoted to each other, and we navigate the storms together. We discover and experience more of each other, we let our relationship and love grow stronger. This is what Mr B is doing. This is the profound learning I get from his life and his father's words passed on to me second-hand.

Honor and Healing for Love

The third story, that of Mr C, is as foolish as it is touching. Mr C was on the lookout for true love all his life. He set out on his path with much hopes, dreams and idealism. I have seen people similarly setout to make money and to become successful in life. I have seen how sometimes, in their quest to make more and more money, they cross the line between right and wrong. They fool and deceive themselves, thinking it is just a small step across the line, not too far away from the right side. Or, thinking that it is just a temporary step and they will be back on the right side pretty soon. Eventually, they lose sight of the line, lose their honor and idealism. Worse, such a path never really pays back, and they end up losing more than they ever gained. Something similar happened to Mr C on his quest for true love. He crossed the line one too many times and lost his soul, and he did not even know it.

So, when Mr C did eventually run into his true love, he was not ready at all. Oh, he recognized her as his true love alright. And, he thought he was ready for her and for true love to fill his heart and life. But he was not ready at all. He had been more ready in his younger days, when he was naive, than he was when he met her, after all his experiences. The result was disastrous. He had lost the faith, idealism, generosity and wonder which are needed to nurture and grow love. Instead, he had selfishness, fear, calculative mindset and something he termed as 'practicality' - all of which would harm love, as surely as weed-killer sprayed on a young hibiscus bush.

So, Mr C was not able to please, honor and cherish the love of his life like he should have. Instead, he hurt her, insulted her, harmed her. He rebuffed her sweet, youthful advances, denied her naive requests, disrespected her feelings. He lied and he cheated. He broke her heart and shattered her mind. He hurt her health and life. The love and passion which had started to rise in her heart like a young Sun was eclipsed by his darkness. She lost the respect and honor she had for him. The infinite feedback loop of love ensured that all that hurt and darkness that flowed from him to her, came right back to him, bringing darkness to his heart and life too.

Now, after all the damage has been done, Mr C realizes his foolishness and his blunders. He knows that he tried to give up the path of true love, in favor of the path of ease and comfort, and that was a big mistake. He has learnt how he lost his honor and soul. He regrets kicking away the love of his life and causing great hurt. He has resolved to do things right, no matter how tough and hurtful it is. He is not willing to accept any other easy paths in life. In fact, he is unable to accept other paths, despite having the choice and opportunity to do so. He has committed himself to the path of true love. But how to heal such deep hurt? How to bring back honor which was lost so badly? How to help the Sun of love and passion rise bright and strong? He does not know. Nor do I know what to tell him - except to let go, and let love.

1960s & 1980s in 2007

Heard this 1960s song in a 1980s movie (The Big Chill) today:

When a man loves a woman by Percy Sludge



When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way
It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby
I am a man
When a man loves a woman.

More at Songfacts.

Defeated in Love

Love has been a life-long quest. I have sought the true companion, the soul-mate since as far back as I can remember, even as a very small child. There has always been a need for the partner who is compatible in body, mind and spirit; with whom I share open, uninhibited and complete affection, attraction and bonding; with whom I would be totally happy and at complete peace, sharing every aspect of our lives with each other.

However, true companionship has always been elusive, despite the many nice people I met and shared a connection with. Now, at 30, I am a very tired and defeated man.

I like to sing, I love to sing, and there is always a song in my mind, heart or mouth. I have mostly sung solo. I have never met anyone who could truly sing duets with me. I have met many people who can sing well, who are trained in music, who love to sing just as I do; I have even met people who have wanted to sing with me; heck, I have even sung a duet or two with them. Yet, the one who can truly sing with me – the one who can match my voice, pitch, range and style, the one who knows, understands and can sing a similar repertoire of songs from different languages and time periods – has eluded me. Even the few people I have met, who can match my singing in most of the ways, are not able to sing with me for one reason or the other.

The story of my love life is no different. Despite the many fine people I have met, despite some of them liking me, despite a few of them even loving me, I have mostly been alone. I have not been able to find anybody to share all aspects of my life with.

What have I not done for love? I have lied, cheated, debased and dishonored myself, allowed myself to be cursed and insulted, lost my principles, my character, my sense of self-worth, my self-confidence, my innocence and idealism, my enthusiasm and zest for life, and lot more… all for the sake of love. I have never misrepresented myself – that is, shown myself to be somebody I am not, or exaggerated things about me – to win somebody’s love. However, I have lied and cheated to ‘protect’ the one I loved (and who I thought loved me) from getting hurt… or so I have told myself. Regardless of the motivations, reasons and excuses, lying and cheating causes incredible damage, it eats away the very fabric of life. I have always known that. Yet, I have risked even that for the sake of love.

What have I not done for love? So much time, effort and energy spent for it. So much suffering and heartache endured. I have not fully enjoyed some of the best years and moments of my life simply because my mind and heart were elsewhere, engaged (and usually hankering/suffering) in the throes of love, in the pursuit of someone with whom I wanted to sing my song at the time. It is a tremendous amount of effort and energy spent in this pursuit - so much that, I am surprised that I have been able to achieve anything else in life with the leftover energy. If I never loved, if I could have channeled all that mental, emotional, spiritual attention, energy and power into some other cause, I am certain that I would have achieved something world-class by now.

Anyway, having put in all that time and effort into love, despite the defeat, I don’t want to give up on it. I don’t want to compromise and just go through the shopping-cum-business-transaction of an arranged marriage. That won’t work for me. I want the crazy enthusiasm, blind trust, naïve openness, singing heart and total commitment of love. Only then will I marry. Until I have such a love, I’d rather stay defeated, than just ‘settle’ in life.

Soulmate Love and Nirvana

In a previous post I said a soulmate is like god. I meant that conceptually they are both very similar - there are questions about their existence, their number, gender, so on and so forth. In a similar vein, love is like nirvana.

Knowing in your heart and soul and gut that god exists and believing in her/him absolutely might be the easy initial step on the path to nirvana. The long and hard path to nirvana is still ahead of us. Similarly, meeting a soulmate and recognizing that they are indeed our soulmate is only the initial first step. The real work is only beginning.

The fact that god exists and we believe in her/him/them is not at all a guarantee of the experience of nirvana. Similarly, the fact that we have met our soulmate does not guarantee the experience of love. There will certainly be the the feeling of love. But the experience of a lover relationship, especially a blissful, happy, peaceful relationship is not guaranteed.

There is much hard work, and may be even a fair measure of luck, needed to attain nirvana. The existence of god and our belief does not make it any easier. Similarly, to build a loving relationship, we need to put in much hard work. The fact that our lover is our soulmate does not make it easier.

Having attained nirvana does not mean we no longer work. We still have to work and do all the stuff that all humans do to survive. We have to put in even more hardwork to stay in the state of nirvana. Similarly, being with a soulmate does not mean the relationship needs no work and maintenance, and everything will be magically happy ever after. We still need to put in time and effort and communication and love and understanding and compromise to make the relationship work.

Even after we reach the state of nirvana, in the course of our daily lives, we may come across physical and emotional ups and downs... both big and small. A mosquito will sting and the fire will singe as it did before nirvana. We will feel anger, irritation, sadness as we did before. Similarly, in a relationship with the soulmate, we will face ups and downs - insecurities, jealousies, arguments, fights, pain, heartbreak.

What nirvana gives us is an internal state of grace, peace and security. So, although the mosquito stings or the fire singes, although we feel anger, irritation, sadness, etc. in our day to day life... we know and we can step back, tap into this state of grace that is always within us like a constantly alight candle. In the same way, being with a soulmate gives us this shared space of love and security deep within us that we can seek and fall back on when there are insecurities, jealousies, fights and hurts. But like I said, to reach this state of nirvana or soulmate relationship requires much hard work.

When our past karmic ties and balance is too much, it is not possible to progress quickly on the path to nirvana. We have to work as much and as long it takes to finish our past obligations, and make ourselves pure and eligible for nirvana. Similarly, we may have to work out issues from our past, issues in our personality, etc. before we are eligible to live a happy loving life with a soulmate.

Sometimes, it appears like a long-time believer/devotee faces more hardship on the spiritual path, than someone who casually takes to that path. Similarly, a relationship with a soulmate may be harder and involve more pain, than a relationship with those who don't seem to be our soulmate.

Sometimes, we do fall from the state of nirvana. We then have to spend a few days, years or even lifetimes living the average life before we find our way back to nirvana. This could happen with a soulmate too. Soulmate relationships can indeed break. We could spend a few years or lifetimes before we meet the same or another soulmate again.

Despite everything I have said above, there are no hard and fast rules about nirvana. For many of us it might take a lot of work to attain and keep. For some of us it might come absurdly easy. Some of us might seek for many lifetimes without finding it. Some of us might find it without seeking it. The love of a soulmate is similarly not bound by any rules. It is what it is. It will come, go, stay as it will. There is not much we can do about it, except just love.

The thing about attaining nirvana is that, we realize it has always been there with us. It is not something external - not some place or some outlandish state of mind or anything. It is just the realization that we are what we are, everything is what everything is, and it is all okay, no matter what happens. Attaining nirvana is not like going from point A to point B. It is the realization that we are at point A and point B and everywhere at the same time and that everywhere is also just one single point and infinite points simultaneously. It is the realization that we are fine exactly where we are, where we were and where we will be and it is all okay. Similarly, when we experience the real depth and breadth and height of a soulmate's love we realize that everything is love, that there is nothing but love, that we are love, our soulmates are love, the whole universe is love, and everything is made of love... even all the fights and arguments and hurts are made of love. It is the realization that everything is love, always love and it's all okay.

Dating Indian Men II

If you have not already done so, you are highly encouraged to read Dating an Indian Man - Part 1 to get the background, before you read what's written below.

Important Disclaimer
Anytime one writes something like what I am writing - making generalizations about people from a vast and diverse culture like India - one is taking a big risk of appearing to be prejudiced or stupid, of saying something which is totally different from the experiences of others, of offending some people, etc. So, remember that there are exceptions to everything I have written above and I will write on this subject going forward. After all, despite cultural influences, each person is an individual in their own right, and each situation is unique. Also, remember that I am merely stating the truth as I see it. Finally, remember that I am an Indian guy myself. I have dated Indian women as well as (white) Americans. There may be some unavoidable prejudices based on my background and experiences. However, it is important for those who know me - Indians and Americans - to understand that all of the following may not be true of me, as an individual. I am merely stating the predominant trends among Indian men.

In this post, we shall discuss what I think are the most important factors you should know about if you are interested in dating an Indian man outside India: his attitude towards romancing women, money & immigration status, and his family (not in any particular order).

Indian Men's Attitude Towards Romancing Women

• If your Indian guy is quite new to your country and its ways, he may not be very familiar with all the cool places to take a girl out for dating, the nice things to do together in your place, and other basic stuff like that. Also, his tastes in entertainment and cuisine may vary from yours. Don't let this discourage or displease you. This is just a matter of learning for him, and you could encourage/help his learning. You could learn many new things from him too.


• India is still a country where most marriages are arranged (not forced) by the parents and families. Dating is still not the normal way in which people choose their mates. As such, the Indian guy you are interested in may not be familiar with all the rules, do's and don't's of the Western dating scene. There are some Indian guys who are surely adept at this. But most are not. Even if they have dated in India, they may not be familiar with the Western dating conventions.


• The other thing the Indian may not be familiar with is all the verbal and non-verbal signals which encourage or discourage intimacy. A lot of these signals are biological and universal. But there are many signals which are quite specific to a culture, because of cultural differences in the way affection is shown and shared. There might be a learning curve associated with this. So, don't think the guy does not like you if he does not immediately respond to your signals and cues.


• Indians are not big on public displays of affection (PDA) between romantic partners. Such displays are discouraged and frowned upon in general Indian public life. Your Indian man might quite fine or better than fine in private, but he might not be very comfortable with showing affection in front of others - family, friends or strangers. He might particularly be uncomfortable expressing physical affection in front of his family or yours.


• While the last two points were about the Indian guy not expressing affection the way you want him to, there is also a flip side to this. It is quite possible that the Indian might get overly affectionate and attached pretty quickly. While dating is not very predominant in India, casual dating (i.e., dating without being emotionally invested/attached) is even more of a rarity. In the contemporary Western society, when a girl agrees to romantically date a guy, she is pretty much giving him the signal that, "If everything goes okay, I will sleep with you sooner or later." Similarly, in most Indian dating situations, when a girl agrees to go out with a guy, she is letting him know that, "If everything goes okay, we will get married sooner or later." That may sound dramatic, but it's true. Such conditioning might cause him to get emotionally attached to you quickly.


• The other thing that Western women dating an Indian guy might experience is a speedy and overt physicality on his part. For reasons which are too numerous to go into here, many Asians (Indians and non-Indians, men and women) believe that Westerners (men and women) are easy when it comes to sex. Without going into a big debate on whether Westerners are truly easy about sex or not, let us just accept that Asians think they are. This belief, coupled with the fact that women in India normally agree to date a guy only if they really really like him, makes an Indian guy think that the Western lady who agreed to go out with him really really likes him; ergo, he is going to get laid soon. This belief and enthusiasm prevents him from giving the lady the time and space she needs to get to know him, and get intimate with him at her own pace.


• All over the world, in all cultures, men and women know that there are a certain type of people whom they would only date short-term, but never get serious with; and then, there are a certain type of people whom they might like to marry. Indian guys are no exception to this. There are many Indian guys who think that they could date a Western woman for the sex and fun, and then later marry an Indian woman. If this works for you, go ahead and have fun with such a guy. If it does not work for you, ask the guy about this upfront, make your decision and part ways with the him. But do not pass judgment on the guy and say that he is a pig committing a great crime or doing something very dirty. As I mentioned earlier, he is merely doing what men and women all over the world do, or would do if they could get away with it.


• In India, most people marry just once. Divorces and second marriages are still very rare. As such, people are used to marrying other single people, who have no kids and no baggage from past marriages. Since dating is still not very common in India, for many people, their spouses are the first person they are getting romantically involved with. This is a very prevalent cultural thing. Another very common thing is that the woman is younger and shorter than the man she marries. As such, if you are a Western woman, who have been married before and/or has kids and/or is older than the Indian guy she is dating, be very careful about getting emotionally attached to the guy. Better talk to him upfront and clarify what both your expectations are from the relationship. The chances that he would not want to marry you is very high. Once again, don't blame the guy for this. This is just a cultural programming on his part. From his cultural perspective, you are okay to date, but not okay to marry. If you were in his place, you would probably feel the same way. That's just how it is.

Those are some of the main points I could think of right now regarding the romantic attitudes of Indian guys towards Western women. As I think of more stuff, I will add them to the list above. If there is something specific you would want me to add to the list, let me know about it. Leave a comment or email me.

Indian Men's Immigration Status
Before getting involved with any foreigner, it is good to know his exact immigration status. Depending on what kind of visa he is on, he may have a few days, a few weeks, a few months or a few years left in your country. Apart from his visa status, his job situation would also dictate how long he would stay in a particular place. If you are dating the foreigner casually, it might be okay. But if you are getting emotionally involved, it is better to get all the accurate information you can about his visa and his job. Understand exactly how much time he has left on his visa and job assignment, ask him what are the factors which control the possibilities of extension of his stay and assignment. People don't give out a house for rent or a driving license without knowing this information. You should not give out your heart without knowing this. This might seem like an obvious thing, but it is worth mentioning here.

Indian Men's Money

• Depending on how long the Indian has stayed in your country, he may or may not be used to your currency. If you are in a country like the US or UK, the value of your currency is much higher than that of the Indian currency. If the guy has only recently come into your country, he can't help but do a mental conversion calculation before making any purchase. What might cost 20 bucks in the American currency, would by his calculation, cost upto 900 Indian rupees. In India, that could be his entire month's lunch expense. Psychologically, it takes some time for an Indian guy to get used to the foreign spending habits.


• Many Indians who come to the Western countries these days are akin to the baby boomers of the US. The baby boomers grew up in a period of post-World War II hardships. As such, they are careful with how they save and spend their money. Similarly, most Indians who are adults today, probably know of hardships from their childhood. The typical Indian studies and works hard before he comes to a Western country. He probably did not grow up rich. Also, culturally speaking, Indian society is not as consumerist as American society (although that is fast changing). So, although the Indian guy might earn more money than the average American, his spending habits may be more frugal.


• Indians who go to Western countries for a short-term work assignment, look at it as a money-making opportunity, since they get paid in foreign currency which is of greater value than Indian money. So, they might prefer to save as much money as they can on their short-term assignments. Many of them on really short assignments (like 60 or 90 days) do not even bother to buy too many furnitures for their apartments since they have to leave soon anyway.


• Although the Indian guy in the West might appear to be a single guy with no responsibilities and a carefree life, that might not always be true. He may have some financial obligations towards his family (more about this coming up) or a house/apartment he has purchased in India, etc. So, his spending potential might not actually be quite as much as his earnings would indicate.


• We normally don't tip in India. This is another thing which takes time for some of us to get used to. Even if we accept it and get used to it, we might not be too happy about it. We may stick to the bare minimum expected. We are not being cheap. This is another psychological thing. To put this in perspective, imagine that you pay no sales tax on food purchases (which is the case in most American states). Then imagine that all of a sudden, the government starts charging you 5% tax on food. It will take sometime for you to get used to it. For a long time, you will think of this 5% as something additional you are paying, apart from the fair price of the food item. And you will certainly not voluntarily pay 6% or 8% tax on the item just because the checkout person at the store was nice to you, right? That is how it is.

These are just some indicators and pointers about the Indian guy's attitude towards money in a foreign country. You will most probably have no money issues at all when dating an Indian. After all, he is probably quite successful professionally and has his financial situation on a solid footing. However, if it looks as if the Indian guy you are dating is too tight with his money, don't automatically assume he is being cheap. He may not even be aware that he is being too tight. Depending individual situations and relationships, you might encourage him to spend more on dating expenses or even for his personal needs and comforts. Be careful not to push him too much. You might not really know what his reasons for being frugal are. If the money situation bothers you too much, you don't have to stick with him, of course. That is certainly better for both of you.

The Indian family:
Indian families tend to be pretty close-knit. Most Indians have very close emotional and/or economic interdependency bonds with their families. Without discussing the pros and cons of this situation, I just want to state this as a fact with most Indians.

Emotional family bonds: It is not the norm in India for young people to leave the home and live their own lives. Usually young people leave only if there are personal differences with the rest of the family or if job / economic factors force them to relocate. If there are no personal differences which have caused a major rift between a person and his family, the family will influence, or at least attempt to influence, every major decision in a person's life including whom he marries, which job he works on, which/where he purchases a house, etc. If everybody lives under the same roof, the family's meddling and influence will affect pretty much everything about a person's life - major and minor. Depending on the individual and how he relates to his family, their "influence" can range anywhere from being mere suggestions and advice, to being total - almost dictatorial - control over how the person lives his life.

Economic interdependency with the family: This means that the person draws wealth or contributes money to the family, usually the latter. A person could be pitching in to help educate siblings, help marry siblings (Indian weddings are very expensive affairs), pay off a long-term family debt, help support aged parents and/or grand-parents, etc. If the Indian is the first-born or only son in the family, you can be pretty sure that he is expected to shoulder a large part of the family's economic needs. He is also pretty much responsible for the aged parents. Most old people in India do not live by themselves or in old age homes. The expectation is that their sons will take care of them.

Having said all that, there are definite exceptions to the above. There are some Indians who are totally independent of their families emotionally or economically or both, who have almost nothing at all to do with their families. Although such exceptional cases are not very common yet, the increasing modernization of India and reduction in the size of family units, is freeing more and more individuals from overbearing family influence and from family care. Nevertheless, it is easier for Indians to be economically independent of their families, rather than emotionally independent.

There are some Indian guys how are total pansies and defer to their families for every decision big and small. And then, there are some Indians who are totally rebellious. And there are guys of all intermediate types. There are some who will defer to their families when it comes to financial matters, but not in choosing a partner. There are some who will let their families choose the life partner, but are otherwise independent. And there are many who are totally attached to the family before they are married, and then become totally independent after they get a wife. You just have to find out for yourself what type of a guy your Indian is.

If things get emotionally serious between your Indian guy and yourself, you should be prepared for the fact that his family might have misgivings simply because you are a foreigner. This is not hard to understand. If you are older than the guy, if you have been married before and/or have kids from a previous relationship, you can be almost certain that the Indian guy's family will not approve of his relationship with you.

Conclusion
Inter-racial relationships are always a delicate balancing act. One has to not only understand the partner as an individual human being, one also needs to understand their cultural background, motives and influences. Having an open mind and heart, and communicating a lot certainly helps. I hope all the above information also helps non-Indian women who are interested in dating Indian guys. If I think of more things to add or edit, I will do so.

I always believe that sharing the cultures, love, lives and various bodily fluids between people of different races is good for the world and the human race. Good luck and best wishes to everything involved in or considering the idea of inter-racial relationships.

Concluded.

Dating Indian Men I

I know that a lot of people are doing Internet searches on variations of the phrases "dating indian men" or "indian men and white/black women", etc. Many such searches lead them to my previous post on Indian Men and Inter-racial Dating.

There is definitely an increasing interest among non-Indian women towards Indian men, as the tech industry is bringing more and more of the latter to countries like USA and the UK. Non-Indian women have asked me some basic questions about Indian men. Being an Indian guy myself, I thought I would help answer some of those questions in a blog post. The following information would be useful to anyone who is interested in dating Indian men. This post is especially addressed to non-Indian women.

Most of what I write below is true of native-born urban Indians, irrespective of where they are in the world right now. However, this post is partial to the scenario where a non-Indian woman is interested in dating an Indian-born guy, residing in a non-Indian country (in other words, a non-resident Indian). Some sections of this post are very specific to Indians in the US. I am not familiar with ethnic Indians, who are born and brought-up in a non-Indian country. So, what I say below may not be true of such foreign-born Indians. I am also not very familiar with how things work when a foreign woman goes to India and dates an Indian guy in India.

Important Disclaimer
Anytime one writes something like what I am writing - making generalizations about people from a vast and diverse culture like India - one is taking a big risk of appearing to be prejudiced or stupid, of saying something which is totally different from the experiences of others, of offending some people, etc. So, remember that there are exceptions to everything I have written above and I will write on this subject going forward. After all, despite cultural influences, each person is an individual in their own right, and each situation is unique. Also, remember that I am merely stating the truth as I see it. Finally, remember that I am an Indian guy myself. I have dated Indian women as well as (white) Americans. There may be some unavoidable prejudices based on my background and experiences. However, it is important for those who know me - Indians and Americans - to understand that all of the following may not be true of me, as an individual. I am merely stating the predominant trends among Indian guys.

Indian Culture
The first thing you should remember about an Indian is that he comes from a culture which is very different from the Western (American and European) culture. The Indian might dress like Westerners and might speak English, but his culture is very different. It is very old, very deep and all-pervading in an Indian's life. If you are interested in an Indian, you should consider the breadth and depth of this cultural influence on him. The culture might influence the Indian in all or any combination of the following: food, communication (particularly communication in showing/sharing affection and during disagreements/conflicts), bath & toilet habits, living conditions, attitude towards money and spending, recreational activities and hobbies, tastes in entertainment, religious and spiritual beliefs, attitude towards the other gender, relationship with own family and the partner's family, relationship with children, etc. You should be prepared for the possibility that the Indian might differ from you in all of the above factors. You should try to get to know the Indian as much as possible vis-a-vis these factors.

Diversity within Indian Culture
Another thing you should keep in mind is that India is a very diverse and complex country. It is an amalgamation of numerous distinct as well as fuzzy cultures. So, even within India, the cultural differences are pretty significant. A person's geography, his family's traditional home (native place), the socio-econo-religious lifestyle of his family and the places where he grew up, his parents and family, his own individuality will all have a significant influence on his personality. So, do not make the mistake of thinking that if you have known one or two Indians, all the rest of them must be alike. There may be some similarities, but there will also be many differences.

Good things about dating Indians
Don't let all the cultural differences scare you away from Indians. The guy you are interested in may not necessarily be quite so different. Also, some of the differences are easily resolved, and just a matter learning, making minor changes, or getting used to each other and each other's culture. And then, differences are not necessarily bad. It is quite possible that these very differences might make a particular Indian guy very special to you, they might be a source of joy, and even the foundation for your relationship with him. There are some great things about dating non-resident Indians:

• Most non-resident Indian are smart. They are at least college-educated. That is what enabled them to legally move to a foreign country to study or work.


• They are economically stable, holding well-paid jobs.


• They are a polite and pleasing people. They are reasonable and dependable, easy to get along with.


• Your Indian guy could be your window / door-way into an immensely rich, complex and interesting ethnic culture. It could be a real fun ride, if you are interested in diverse ethnic experiences.

In Part 2 of this post, we shall discuss what I think are the most important factors you should know about if you are interested in dating an Indian outside India: attitude towards romancing women, money & immigration status, and his family (not in any particular order). Knowledge of these factors will help you understand an Indian man and his motivations better. They might also alert you to the differences that could come up when you date him.

Dating Indian Men II

Innocent Flirting or Mental Foreplay?

Disclaimer: I did not write what follows because I am prudish. I wrote it from personal flirting experience, watching other people flirt, and witnessing the consequences. All of what follows comes from, as they say, a practicing professional in the field of flirting!



Recently, I came across a guy who claimed to sincerely believe that flirting is not sexual. I have heard a lot of people use the phrase "innocent flirting", to mean flirting with no sexual intention/connotation.

What the heck is innocent flirting? The kind that you indulge in with someone of the same gender (assuming you are heterosexual) or the other gender (if you are homosexual)? The kind you would indulge in with a sibling or a close blood-relative? The kind you indulge in with a person whom you intensely dislike? Do you understand where I am going with this?

My point is that, we usually choose to flirt with the kind of people who are sexually oriented to us. By "people who are sexually oriented to us", I mean people who have 60% or more of the qualities which would allow us to have sex with them. We only flirt with the opposite gender if we are heterosexual, we flirt with the same gender if we are homosexual; we rarely flirt with people who are younger than or older than the age window within which we prefer to have sex; we almost never flirt with people whom we don't find attractive.

Gender, age and attraction are some of the most important criteria we use to choose the people with whom we have sex. If flirting was not about sex, why would there be very similar criteria for people whom we choose to just flirt with and people whom we choose to fantasize about/sleep with?

Even the very language of flirting is romantic and/or sexual. It may range all the way from being very obliquely romantic/sexual to blatantly romantic/sexual. But the romance and/or the sex is always there in the language. This is true of even the body language. The flirt and the "flirtee" display similar body language as a person who is being romantic/sexual with her/his lover. Even when the flirtee is not interested or dislikes the flirt, her/his reaction to the flirt is similar to her/his reaction to an unwanted suitor.

I don't think flirting is ever devoid of romance and sexuality. It may be true that the flirt and/or the flirtee have/has no conscious intention of taking things beyond verbal flirting. It may be that they don't really want to get physical. But I don't think the mind is truly devoid of the romance and the sexuality.

If someone thinks that they are flirting, and there are absolutely no sexual thoughts at any level in their mind, they are either deluding themselves or they are not flirting at all!

Flirting is the foreplay of the mind.

If it is true that sex is more in the mind, than in the body, then flirting is a much more significant and important act of foreplay than the actual physical foreplay.

Applying the Pareto Principle (or the 80-20 Rule): If one needs to score 100 points to have sexual intercourse with someone, 80 or more points are scored during mental foreplay (flirting), and only 20 or less points are scored during physical foreplay.

Flirting is almost purely about verbal communication. When future historians analyze the catalysts for the failure of the institution of marriage, an institution which seemed to control majority of the human society during a brief period of human history, they will conclude that the advancement in communication technologies (telephony, Internet, who knows what else will come in the future) was the main catalyst which broke the institution of marriage. Why? Advanced communication technologies enable mental foreplay, i.e. flirting, like never before! Naturally, this leads to more non-marital sex, than ever before!