Vegetarian Lunch in America 1: Veggie Patty Sub

(Click for bigger pic)

Today's vegetarian lunch: A veggie patty sub from Subway, with some Lays classic potato chips on the side, and bottled water.

Here's what my sandwich is made of: six-inch Parmesan Oregano bread, two (half?) slices of provolone cheese and a veggie patty (looks and tastes much like Morningstar Farm's Garden Veggie Burger patty, only rectangular). All three grilled. Then, it's filled with spinach (I ask for spinach, the default filling is lettuce), cucumber slices, tomato slices, red onions, green peppers and olives. For dressing, I chose red wine vinaigrette and a little mustard, plus salt and pepper. (When I asked for the red wine vinaigrette, the lady mis-heard me and poured vinegar first. This has happened once before at a different Subway outlet. Come on, even with my distinct Indian accent "red wine vinaigrette" sounds differenet from mere "vinegar"!)

Cost: $3.99 (includes $0.30 tax), about 177.15 Indian Rupees.

Vegetarian alert: The Parmesan Oregano bread I chose has parmesan cheese in it. I also added slices of provolone cheese to my sandwich. Cheese is nothing but a milk product, right? Well, a substance called rennet is used to make cheese. According to Wikipedia: The most common source of rennet is the abomasum (fourth stomach) of slaughtered, milk-fed new-born cow calves or other young ruminants such as camels or goats. Traditionally rennet was prepared by washing and salting the stomachs of animals shortly after slaughter. The rennet was then hung up and dried until needed. Non-animal rennet is also available, of course. But there is no way of knowing if the cheese used in Subway is made with this less-common non-animal rennet.

Background: Vegetarian Lunch in America.

Vegetarian Lunch in America

A lot of folks back home in India ask me about what I eat in the US. Since I am a vegetarian (no meat, no seafood, no eggs) and America is a place where people predominantly eat meat, people back home are curious about what I eat, if not Indian food all the time.

I have also noticed that Indian guys who come to the US (or any Western country) for the first time, confine themselves almost exclusively to Indian food and miss out on the delightful culinary diversity that the US has to offer. If the guys are vegetarians, they suffer even more.

So, I am going to start a series of posts in which I will write about vegetarian lunches I eat here in the US. When I pack my own lunch, I usually pack Indian food. I will probably not blog about them. However, I eat out half the time or more, and when I eat out, I usually don't eat Indian. I will blog about those non-Indian vegetarian lunches in America, with pictures. We'll see how this goes.

Two-Minute Cooking School 7: Daal Paalak

Daal Paalak (Click for bigger pic)

Come on over for dinner! :-)

Recipe for Daal Paalak:
Daal curry is the ultimate in North Indian comfort food. Daal paalak is a yummy variation of the plain daal curry, which contains spinach. In English it may be called lentil-spinach curry, daal being lentils and paalak being spinach.

Ingredients: Toor daal (yellow lentils), fresh washed spinach leaves, chopped onions, chopped tomatoes, chopped green chillies, coriander / cilantro leaves, mustard seeds, jeerige (cumin), turmeric, salt, oil, ginger-garlic paste, fresh lemon juice. Red chilli powder, if required.

Cooking steps:
Start by cooking the toor daal in water. Use enough water so that when the cooked daal is mashed with a spoon, it turns into a thick liquid. Different people like their daal curry at different consistency levels. Use water accordingly.

In a cooking vessel, heat the oil. Add mustard seeds to the heated oil. When they begin to pop, add cumin seeds. Take care not to burn them. Then, add the chopped green chillies and fry them. Next, add the chopped onions and fry them also. You can add the chillies and onions at the same time. But I like to add the chillies first so that the oil absorbs the hot spicy taste some more.

Just when the onions start getting light brown, add the ginger-garlic paste. Fry for half a minute more.

Then add cooked daal, spinach leaves, chopped tomatoes, salt and turmeric powder. Mix and boil well.

Finally, add the fresh lemon juice. You may also add some red chilli powder at this point, if you want the daal to taste more spicy. Mix well. Boil for a minute or two.

Hot, yummy daal paalak is ready. I like to eat this mixed in with hot white rice and some ghee. Spicy hot pickle on the side completes a great comfort meal.

Reference: Lentils Reference Page
Related: Two-Minute Cooking School: Prospectus

A Tale of Two Trains

The Bangalore Metro Rail project has finally received the cabinet nod as reported in The Times of India:

NEW DELHI: In what will come as a big relief for Bangalore residents, who have to grapple with clogged roads every day, Union cabinet on Thursday approved the Metro rail project for the city.

Emerging out of the cabinet meeting, Union urban development minister S Jaipal Reddy said the Rs 6,395-crore project, to be completed by 2011, would cover a length of 33 km in two corridors.

That is good news. However, I can't help but wonder if the 2011 target date for completion of the first phase of the project is too ambitious and unrealistic.

Yes, it is good to have a positive outlook. Nobody wants to be pessimistic. But having seen the saga of the Bangalore International Airport Ltd. (not to mention the many fly-over stories of Bangalore), is there anything at all to give us real hopes that the project will be completed on time? A 33 km urban railway which runs above ground, below ground and on the ground to be completed in 5 years in India? Yeah, right!

Let's compare the Bangalore Metro Rail project to the Phoenix Metro Rail project, which is in the contruction stage right now. The two projects together make a great comparative case study because they are both contemporary urban rail systems, covering the same distance (33 kms ~ 20 miles).

The first phase of the Phoenix Metro Rail project from "right of way acquisition" to inauguration is taking eight years in a country like the US. Construction phase alone spans about 4 years. And as far as I know, the Phoenix metro rail has no underground segment.

Can we really believe that the Bangalore Metro rail will be completed in 5 years, after receiving the "cabinet nod" just now? Given the way things work in India, I would say that is not optimism. That is an unbelievable fantasy!

Just building one fly-over involves so much bureaucracy and delays. How can we hope that a big project like the metro rail will happen on schedule, let alone an aggressive schedule? We have seen how just one fly-over construction disrupts surrounding traffic and life in Bangalore city. I am scared to imagine what a 33 km construction would do to the city!

The Phoenix Metro Rail can be a model for the Bangalore Metro Rail on how things should really be done. I highly recommend my readers to check out the Phoenix Metro Rail's website. Take time to navigate the site, check all the details, right down to the animated simulation, the community outreach, the marketing efforts, etc. I have personally seen some of the construction efforts and how it is handled so that there is minimum inconvenience to existing traffic and businesses. They have come out with marketing and promotional programs to help businesses along the rail tracks, which are affected by the construction.

The volume and depth of information available on the Phoenix Metro Rail's website gives us an idea of how well the project is coming along. More important, it provides us important information and confidence in the project. Contrast that with the Bangalore Metro Rail's website.

I am born and brought up in Bangalore. I love it as much as any localite or immigrant to Bangalore. The purpose of this post is not to spread pessimism or to criticize for the sake of criticizing. As I mentioned in a previous post on NRI Nationalism, we can learn a lot from seeing how things are done in other places and countries. There will probably be more comparative posts in the future, about the Bangalore and Phoenix Metro Rail projects. I hope this series of posts will spark healthy debates and discussions, will be informative to all the stakeholders of the project(s) and will help in a small (or a big) way towards providing a great train service to the urban commuters.

Related link: Bangalore Metro Rail Watch

Dating Indian Men II

If you have not already done so, you are highly encouraged to read Dating an Indian Man - Part 1 to get the background, before you read what's written below.

Important Disclaimer
Anytime one writes something like what I am writing - making generalizations about people from a vast and diverse culture like India - one is taking a big risk of appearing to be prejudiced or stupid, of saying something which is totally different from the experiences of others, of offending some people, etc. So, remember that there are exceptions to everything I have written above and I will write on this subject going forward. After all, despite cultural influences, each person is an individual in their own right, and each situation is unique. Also, remember that I am merely stating the truth as I see it. Finally, remember that I am an Indian guy myself. I have dated Indian women as well as (white) Americans. There may be some unavoidable prejudices based on my background and experiences. However, it is important for those who know me - Indians and Americans - to understand that all of the following may not be true of me, as an individual. I am merely stating the predominant trends among Indian men.

In this post, we shall discuss what I think are the most important factors you should know about if you are interested in dating an Indian man outside India: his attitude towards romancing women, money & immigration status, and his family (not in any particular order).

Indian Men's Attitude Towards Romancing Women

• If your Indian guy is quite new to your country and its ways, he may not be very familiar with all the cool places to take a girl out for dating, the nice things to do together in your place, and other basic stuff like that. Also, his tastes in entertainment and cuisine may vary from yours. Don't let this discourage or displease you. This is just a matter of learning for him, and you could encourage/help his learning. You could learn many new things from him too.


• India is still a country where most marriages are arranged (not forced) by the parents and families. Dating is still not the normal way in which people choose their mates. As such, the Indian guy you are interested in may not be familiar with all the rules, do's and don't's of the Western dating scene. There are some Indian guys who are surely adept at this. But most are not. Even if they have dated in India, they may not be familiar with the Western dating conventions.


• The other thing the Indian may not be familiar with is all the verbal and non-verbal signals which encourage or discourage intimacy. A lot of these signals are biological and universal. But there are many signals which are quite specific to a culture, because of cultural differences in the way affection is shown and shared. There might be a learning curve associated with this. So, don't think the guy does not like you if he does not immediately respond to your signals and cues.


• Indians are not big on public displays of affection (PDA) between romantic partners. Such displays are discouraged and frowned upon in general Indian public life. Your Indian man might quite fine or better than fine in private, but he might not be very comfortable with showing affection in front of others - family, friends or strangers. He might particularly be uncomfortable expressing physical affection in front of his family or yours.


• While the last two points were about the Indian guy not expressing affection the way you want him to, there is also a flip side to this. It is quite possible that the Indian might get overly affectionate and attached pretty quickly. While dating is not very predominant in India, casual dating (i.e., dating without being emotionally invested/attached) is even more of a rarity. In the contemporary Western society, when a girl agrees to romantically date a guy, she is pretty much giving him the signal that, "If everything goes okay, I will sleep with you sooner or later." Similarly, in most Indian dating situations, when a girl agrees to go out with a guy, she is letting him know that, "If everything goes okay, we will get married sooner or later." That may sound dramatic, but it's true. Such conditioning might cause him to get emotionally attached to you quickly.


• The other thing that Western women dating an Indian guy might experience is a speedy and overt physicality on his part. For reasons which are too numerous to go into here, many Asians (Indians and non-Indians, men and women) believe that Westerners (men and women) are easy when it comes to sex. Without going into a big debate on whether Westerners are truly easy about sex or not, let us just accept that Asians think they are. This belief, coupled with the fact that women in India normally agree to date a guy only if they really really like him, makes an Indian guy think that the Western lady who agreed to go out with him really really likes him; ergo, he is going to get laid soon. This belief and enthusiasm prevents him from giving the lady the time and space she needs to get to know him, and get intimate with him at her own pace.


• All over the world, in all cultures, men and women know that there are a certain type of people whom they would only date short-term, but never get serious with; and then, there are a certain type of people whom they might like to marry. Indian guys are no exception to this. There are many Indian guys who think that they could date a Western woman for the sex and fun, and then later marry an Indian woman. If this works for you, go ahead and have fun with such a guy. If it does not work for you, ask the guy about this upfront, make your decision and part ways with the him. But do not pass judgment on the guy and say that he is a pig committing a great crime or doing something very dirty. As I mentioned earlier, he is merely doing what men and women all over the world do, or would do if they could get away with it.


• In India, most people marry just once. Divorces and second marriages are still very rare. As such, people are used to marrying other single people, who have no kids and no baggage from past marriages. Since dating is still not very common in India, for many people, their spouses are the first person they are getting romantically involved with. This is a very prevalent cultural thing. Another very common thing is that the woman is younger and shorter than the man she marries. As such, if you are a Western woman, who have been married before and/or has kids and/or is older than the Indian guy she is dating, be very careful about getting emotionally attached to the guy. Better talk to him upfront and clarify what both your expectations are from the relationship. The chances that he would not want to marry you is very high. Once again, don't blame the guy for this. This is just a cultural programming on his part. From his cultural perspective, you are okay to date, but not okay to marry. If you were in his place, you would probably feel the same way. That's just how it is.

Those are some of the main points I could think of right now regarding the romantic attitudes of Indian guys towards Western women. As I think of more stuff, I will add them to the list above. If there is something specific you would want me to add to the list, let me know about it. Leave a comment or email me.

Indian Men's Immigration Status
Before getting involved with any foreigner, it is good to know his exact immigration status. Depending on what kind of visa he is on, he may have a few days, a few weeks, a few months or a few years left in your country. Apart from his visa status, his job situation would also dictate how long he would stay in a particular place. If you are dating the foreigner casually, it might be okay. But if you are getting emotionally involved, it is better to get all the accurate information you can about his visa and his job. Understand exactly how much time he has left on his visa and job assignment, ask him what are the factors which control the possibilities of extension of his stay and assignment. People don't give out a house for rent or a driving license without knowing this information. You should not give out your heart without knowing this. This might seem like an obvious thing, but it is worth mentioning here.

Indian Men's Money

• Depending on how long the Indian has stayed in your country, he may or may not be used to your currency. If you are in a country like the US or UK, the value of your currency is much higher than that of the Indian currency. If the guy has only recently come into your country, he can't help but do a mental conversion calculation before making any purchase. What might cost 20 bucks in the American currency, would by his calculation, cost upto 900 Indian rupees. In India, that could be his entire month's lunch expense. Psychologically, it takes some time for an Indian guy to get used to the foreign spending habits.


• Many Indians who come to the Western countries these days are akin to the baby boomers of the US. The baby boomers grew up in a period of post-World War II hardships. As such, they are careful with how they save and spend their money. Similarly, most Indians who are adults today, probably know of hardships from their childhood. The typical Indian studies and works hard before he comes to a Western country. He probably did not grow up rich. Also, culturally speaking, Indian society is not as consumerist as American society (although that is fast changing). So, although the Indian guy might earn more money than the average American, his spending habits may be more frugal.


• Indians who go to Western countries for a short-term work assignment, look at it as a money-making opportunity, since they get paid in foreign currency which is of greater value than Indian money. So, they might prefer to save as much money as they can on their short-term assignments. Many of them on really short assignments (like 60 or 90 days) do not even bother to buy too many furnitures for their apartments since they have to leave soon anyway.


• Although the Indian guy in the West might appear to be a single guy with no responsibilities and a carefree life, that might not always be true. He may have some financial obligations towards his family (more about this coming up) or a house/apartment he has purchased in India, etc. So, his spending potential might not actually be quite as much as his earnings would indicate.


• We normally don't tip in India. This is another thing which takes time for some of us to get used to. Even if we accept it and get used to it, we might not be too happy about it. We may stick to the bare minimum expected. We are not being cheap. This is another psychological thing. To put this in perspective, imagine that you pay no sales tax on food purchases (which is the case in most American states). Then imagine that all of a sudden, the government starts charging you 5% tax on food. It will take sometime for you to get used to it. For a long time, you will think of this 5% as something additional you are paying, apart from the fair price of the food item. And you will certainly not voluntarily pay 6% or 8% tax on the item just because the checkout person at the store was nice to you, right? That is how it is.

These are just some indicators and pointers about the Indian guy's attitude towards money in a foreign country. You will most probably have no money issues at all when dating an Indian. After all, he is probably quite successful professionally and has his financial situation on a solid footing. However, if it looks as if the Indian guy you are dating is too tight with his money, don't automatically assume he is being cheap. He may not even be aware that he is being too tight. Depending individual situations and relationships, you might encourage him to spend more on dating expenses or even for his personal needs and comforts. Be careful not to push him too much. You might not really know what his reasons for being frugal are. If the money situation bothers you too much, you don't have to stick with him, of course. That is certainly better for both of you.

The Indian family:
Indian families tend to be pretty close-knit. Most Indians have very close emotional and/or economic interdependency bonds with their families. Without discussing the pros and cons of this situation, I just want to state this as a fact with most Indians.

Emotional family bonds: It is not the norm in India for young people to leave the home and live their own lives. Usually young people leave only if there are personal differences with the rest of the family or if job / economic factors force them to relocate. If there are no personal differences which have caused a major rift between a person and his family, the family will influence, or at least attempt to influence, every major decision in a person's life including whom he marries, which job he works on, which/where he purchases a house, etc. If everybody lives under the same roof, the family's meddling and influence will affect pretty much everything about a person's life - major and minor. Depending on the individual and how he relates to his family, their "influence" can range anywhere from being mere suggestions and advice, to being total - almost dictatorial - control over how the person lives his life.

Economic interdependency with the family: This means that the person draws wealth or contributes money to the family, usually the latter. A person could be pitching in to help educate siblings, help marry siblings (Indian weddings are very expensive affairs), pay off a long-term family debt, help support aged parents and/or grand-parents, etc. If the Indian is the first-born or only son in the family, you can be pretty sure that he is expected to shoulder a large part of the family's economic needs. He is also pretty much responsible for the aged parents. Most old people in India do not live by themselves or in old age homes. The expectation is that their sons will take care of them.

Having said all that, there are definite exceptions to the above. There are some Indians who are totally independent of their families emotionally or economically or both, who have almost nothing at all to do with their families. Although such exceptional cases are not very common yet, the increasing modernization of India and reduction in the size of family units, is freeing more and more individuals from overbearing family influence and from family care. Nevertheless, it is easier for Indians to be economically independent of their families, rather than emotionally independent.

There are some Indian guys how are total pansies and defer to their families for every decision big and small. And then, there are some Indians who are totally rebellious. And there are guys of all intermediate types. There are some who will defer to their families when it comes to financial matters, but not in choosing a partner. There are some who will let their families choose the life partner, but are otherwise independent. And there are many who are totally attached to the family before they are married, and then become totally independent after they get a wife. You just have to find out for yourself what type of a guy your Indian is.

If things get emotionally serious between your Indian guy and yourself, you should be prepared for the fact that his family might have misgivings simply because you are a foreigner. This is not hard to understand. If you are older than the guy, if you have been married before and/or have kids from a previous relationship, you can be almost certain that the Indian guy's family will not approve of his relationship with you.

Conclusion
Inter-racial relationships are always a delicate balancing act. One has to not only understand the partner as an individual human being, one also needs to understand their cultural background, motives and influences. Having an open mind and heart, and communicating a lot certainly helps. I hope all the above information also helps non-Indian women who are interested in dating Indian guys. If I think of more things to add or edit, I will do so.

I always believe that sharing the cultures, love, lives and various bodily fluids between people of different races is good for the world and the human race. Good luck and best wishes to everything involved in or considering the idea of inter-racial relationships.

Concluded.

Dating Indian Men I

I know that a lot of people are doing Internet searches on variations of the phrases "dating indian men" or "indian men and white/black women", etc. Many such searches lead them to my previous post on Indian Men and Inter-racial Dating.

There is definitely an increasing interest among non-Indian women towards Indian men, as the tech industry is bringing more and more of the latter to countries like USA and the UK. Non-Indian women have asked me some basic questions about Indian men. Being an Indian guy myself, I thought I would help answer some of those questions in a blog post. The following information would be useful to anyone who is interested in dating Indian men. This post is especially addressed to non-Indian women.

Most of what I write below is true of native-born urban Indians, irrespective of where they are in the world right now. However, this post is partial to the scenario where a non-Indian woman is interested in dating an Indian-born guy, residing in a non-Indian country (in other words, a non-resident Indian). Some sections of this post are very specific to Indians in the US. I am not familiar with ethnic Indians, who are born and brought-up in a non-Indian country. So, what I say below may not be true of such foreign-born Indians. I am also not very familiar with how things work when a foreign woman goes to India and dates an Indian guy in India.

Important Disclaimer
Anytime one writes something like what I am writing - making generalizations about people from a vast and diverse culture like India - one is taking a big risk of appearing to be prejudiced or stupid, of saying something which is totally different from the experiences of others, of offending some people, etc. So, remember that there are exceptions to everything I have written above and I will write on this subject going forward. After all, despite cultural influences, each person is an individual in their own right, and each situation is unique. Also, remember that I am merely stating the truth as I see it. Finally, remember that I am an Indian guy myself. I have dated Indian women as well as (white) Americans. There may be some unavoidable prejudices based on my background and experiences. However, it is important for those who know me - Indians and Americans - to understand that all of the following may not be true of me, as an individual. I am merely stating the predominant trends among Indian guys.

Indian Culture
The first thing you should remember about an Indian is that he comes from a culture which is very different from the Western (American and European) culture. The Indian might dress like Westerners and might speak English, but his culture is very different. It is very old, very deep and all-pervading in an Indian's life. If you are interested in an Indian, you should consider the breadth and depth of this cultural influence on him. The culture might influence the Indian in all or any combination of the following: food, communication (particularly communication in showing/sharing affection and during disagreements/conflicts), bath & toilet habits, living conditions, attitude towards money and spending, recreational activities and hobbies, tastes in entertainment, religious and spiritual beliefs, attitude towards the other gender, relationship with own family and the partner's family, relationship with children, etc. You should be prepared for the possibility that the Indian might differ from you in all of the above factors. You should try to get to know the Indian as much as possible vis-a-vis these factors.

Diversity within Indian Culture
Another thing you should keep in mind is that India is a very diverse and complex country. It is an amalgamation of numerous distinct as well as fuzzy cultures. So, even within India, the cultural differences are pretty significant. A person's geography, his family's traditional home (native place), the socio-econo-religious lifestyle of his family and the places where he grew up, his parents and family, his own individuality will all have a significant influence on his personality. So, do not make the mistake of thinking that if you have known one or two Indians, all the rest of them must be alike. There may be some similarities, but there will also be many differences.

Good things about dating Indians
Don't let all the cultural differences scare you away from Indians. The guy you are interested in may not necessarily be quite so different. Also, some of the differences are easily resolved, and just a matter learning, making minor changes, or getting used to each other and each other's culture. And then, differences are not necessarily bad. It is quite possible that these very differences might make a particular Indian guy very special to you, they might be a source of joy, and even the foundation for your relationship with him. There are some great things about dating non-resident Indians:

• Most non-resident Indian are smart. They are at least college-educated. That is what enabled them to legally move to a foreign country to study or work.


• They are economically stable, holding well-paid jobs.


• They are a polite and pleasing people. They are reasonable and dependable, easy to get along with.


• Your Indian guy could be your window / door-way into an immensely rich, complex and interesting ethnic culture. It could be a real fun ride, if you are interested in diverse ethnic experiences.

In Part 2 of this post, we shall discuss what I think are the most important factors you should know about if you are interested in dating an Indian outside India: attitude towards romancing women, money & immigration status, and his family (not in any particular order). Knowledge of these factors will help you understand an Indian man and his motivations better. They might also alert you to the differences that could come up when you date him.

Dating Indian Men II

Google Hindu Calendar

Update on 12/30/2009:
The Google Hindu Calendar linked and described in this post has been renamed as Google Hindu Calendar - MST, for Mountain Standard Timezone of USA.

If you have a Google account, you can add this Google Hindu Calendar - MST to your Google account using this link: Add Google Hindu Calendar.

To simply view the calendar in your web browser use this link: View Google Hindu Calendar. After viewing, if you want to add this Google Hindu Calendar - MST to your Google account, there is a button at the bottom-right corner of the screen.

For calendars of other timezones, visit this link: Google Hindu Calendar with Timezones.

Original Post below:
Google Calendar was released on April 13th, 2006. This is a few days later than April 1st, on which date Google traditionally launches new products. More information: Google Calendar Overview.

I have created a Hindu Calendar on Google Calendar. This calendar is publicly shared. Just search for "Hindu Calendar" in Google's public calendar search and look for Hindu Calendar / Panchangam by Libran Lover. Click on the "Add Calendar" button to access it.

With this, you can easily access the important Hindu calendar information about each day. As of today, the calendar has only information about important Hindu festivals from April to December 2006. There is a little more information for the month of April (such as amAvAsya, pUrNima, ekAdashi, sankatahara chaturthi, etc.). In the coming days, I will be adding as much information as I can from the Hindu Panchangam.

This will be an ongoing effort. Until some professional Panchangam maker like Kalnirnay publishes in the iCal format, updating the Google Hindu Calendar will be a manual effort. As such, I need help in entering information into this calendar. If you would like to help, please write to my Google mail id libranlover.

Hope this calendar will be useful for everyone, all over the world. As the Google Calendar application grows rich with additional functionality, this Hindu Calendar will grow in tandem, with more features and lots of useful information.

I wish Google would provide an easy link / URL for the calendar, by which it could be shared and accessed by everyone. Until Google provides such an easy URL, the easy ways to access a particular calendar is to be invited by the calendar's owner or to search for public calendars. Meanwhile, here are a couple of links to the Hindu Calendar, if you can figure out how to use them:

Hindu Calendar HTML link
Hindu Calendar iCal address
Hindu Calendar XML feed.

Shoot the Harassers

One way that people in New York City are reacting to being harassed is by shooting the harassers... with a camera. Then, they send the photos to Holla Back New York City for the whole world to see!

Many of the photos are posted with text by the women who got harassed. It is evident that the act of doing something to get back at the harassers, even it is to merely pull out the cellphone camera and shoot a picture, seems to immediately make the women feel better. They seem to regain their sense of personal power and confidence during or soon after the incident.

There are chances of genuine misunderstanding or real abuse of this facility by some woman, of course. But hey, whatever works!

Wondering if this would work for eve-teasers and their victims in India...

Related posts:
Sexual Harassment and Power
Root Cause of Eve Teasing in India

Sexist World - 2

This was an interesting reminder of what of kind of a sexist world we live in. Last Thursday, the radio station 104.7 KISS FM, broadcasting out of Phoenix, was annoucing a night out for "naughty moms" at a local bar and restaurant. They wanted female listeners to call in and tell them why or how they are "naughty moms". The listeners who called in would then get a pass to the "naughty moms" party or drink tickets or whatever!

Quite a few ladies called in to say how or why they were naughty moms: one was sleeping with her husband's best friend; another was having simultaneous affairs with her husband's friend and her husband's cousin; yet another slept (separately, at different times) with her husband's brother and her husband on his birthday, conceived a child and now did not know if the father of the child was her husband or his brother. She said that even a DNA test could not tell who the father is because the two guys in question are brothers! Apparently, for these ladies, being a "naughty mom" meant cheating on the dad. And the way they called in to talk about their cheating episodes... it was almost as if they were proud of it!

But the interesting part of this whole exercize is that, the radio station was throwing a party for these moms, because they cheated. These ladies were appreciated because they cheated. It was a celebration of cheating women! And later in the evening, when the party was on, the RJ's urged listeners to drop in at the party because things were "getting wild". So, not only do these cheating women have a party thrown for them, but they even have a radio station sending more meat to their party so that they can cheat some more!

Amazing! I mean, can you imagine something like this being done for cheating guys? A party for "player dads", perhaps? How many ladies would attend that party? How many people would even find the idea of such a party acceptable? Something like that would never happen.

Damn! And women think they don't have it good, and guys get to enjoy everything in the sexist world!

Related post: Sexist World.

Sexual Harassment and Power

I usually have frustrating exchanges with women whenever power is mentioned in the context of sexual harassment... specifically, sexual harassment of women by men. The discussion in the comments section of my blog post about the root cause of eve teasing in India is an example. Women, especially the feminist types, believe that sexual harassment is mainly about power, and less about sex. Some of them even claim that it is all about power and not at all about sex.

This is frustrating for me because I am a man. As such, I understand how the male libido works. I am not a rapist nor have I sexually harassed anyone. Nevertheless, I understand what goes on in the mind and loins of a guy vis-a-vis sex. So, I know what I am talking about when I say that the primary motivation for most men who are guilty of sexual harassment is sex.

This is when women like to ask questions such as: Why would a married man who has free access to a sexual partner, still harass some other woman? Or, why would a man, who could easily buy sexual gratification from a prostitute, risk everything to commit violent rape instead?

Clearly, there is a lack of understanding of male sexuality. The reason why I keep coming back to the "power and sex" discussion is because I feel that women's beliefs about the role of power in male sexuality further distorts their understanding. Thus, women totally miss out on understanding the root cause and the motivation behind male sexual acts... whether they are acts of harassment or acts of shared pleasure.

For the record, through this blog post, I want to clarify my position on sexual harassment and power in as simple terms as possible. So, here goes: Sexual desire is the root cause and primary motivation for sexual harassment. Power enables or allows harassment to happen. Power is only an enabler, a facilitator. Sexual desire is the root cause.

To give an analogy: The primary reason for humans to eat chicken is not that they are more powerful than the chicken. The primary reason is that humans feel hunger. The fact that humans are more powerful than the chicken enables or allows them to eat chicken. But that is not the root cause for chicken being part of the human diet.

Now, one may ask, why should humans violently kill and eat chicken, while they could easily eat vegetables, which involves less violence and gore. There are a different set of reasons for that. That is a different line of discussion. But we know that it is certainly not because there is more power in eating chicken than in eating a vegetable.

It is important for us to discern and understand this truth. If we don't understand the truth, our efforts and energies will be directed at the wrong things. For example, if we believe that sexual harassment is all about power, we will conclude that empowering women will stop sexual harassment. I don't think it will. Empowering women will help curb sexual harassment, but it is only a matter of time and place before the woman will be vulnerable and a possible target. No one can be powerful at all times.

Having said all that, I want to reiterate that I am not totally dismissing the power factor from the sexual harassment equation. Not only is power an enabler of harassment, power (or rather the feeling of powerlessness) also happens to be the most important, overwhelming and enduring experience of sexual harassment for the victim. From the victim's perspective, the harassment is not a sexual experience. It is an experience of total vulnerability and powerlessness!

Consider a woman who has been raped. Physical violence and humiliation are big aspects of her experience. However, the biggest aspect is the feeling of being utterly powerless and helpless. It is like a stranger, or someone you know and thought you could trust, came up to you, helped himself to a piece of your soul, and simply walked away. There was nothing you could do to stop it, before or while it was happened. And so often, there is nothing you can do after it has happened. Even catching and punishing the perpetrator, only helps the woman's feeling of powerlessness in a very small way. The feeling of total weakness and powerlessness, wherein any asshole could just drop by and violate her body and soul intimately, is something that endures for a long time.

Yes, from the victim's perspective, the overwhelming and most enduring experience of sexual harassment is the utter feeling of powerlessness. It is important to understand this because this understanding is more useful in the healing of a victim, than in the prevention of such crimes. Yes, empowering women will help curb harassment to a little extent, but it is not the panacea for harassment prevention. The role of empowerment is much more in the healing of a harassed victim.

Empowering a harassment victim and specific steps/measures to make her feel empowered, should be the most important part of any healing process. Catching, punishing and preventing the perpetrator from repeating the crime play an important role in restoring the victim's confidence. On the other hand, if the criminal gets away scot-free, it contributes to her feeling of helplessness. However, justice alone is not enough to heal her. Real healing starts when the lady is empowered enough to feel safe again, to feel that she will not be violated again. It is through such empowerment that the lady starts to feel like a living human being again, instead of like a powerless object. It is through such empowerment that she starts to value herself again, to feel that life may be live-able and then to grow to feel that life is worth living after all.

I hope this blog post has helped people understand what I have been saying all along about sexual harassment and power. Not only has this been written from a man's understanding of male sexuality and power, this is also written from an empathic understanding of sexual harassment by being close to a victim, from sharing the deeply painful feeling of powerlessness. I hope this understanding contributes to better prevention and healing of sexual harassment.

Project Rajkumar

The veteran superstar of Kannada cinema, Dr Rajkumar is no more. He passed away on April 12th, 2006, following a cardiac arrest.

For those of us who grew up watching his movies, this is the passing of an era in the history of Kannada cinema, in the history of Karnataka state. He is undoubtedly the most popular Kannada artist of all time. What is most striking about him is not just his charismatic on-screen presence, not the acting skills, not even his gifted background singing talent. What is most striking is the incredible simplicity of his off-screen life. No flamboyance, no arrogance. So unlike many of his less-talented-but-equally-popular contemporaries.

His career spanned almost half a century, with over 200 movies! That is an incredible average of around 5 or more movies every year, starting from 1954 until 2000. What a prolific career! As I scroll through his filmography, I see an enormous range and variety of roles, so many high-quality, highly entertaining, super-hit movies! The filmographies of the best and most popular Hollywood actors pale in comparison.

Sometime after I heard the news of Dr Raj's death, I visited IMDb.com, the "Earth's Biggest Movie Database" to check out his filmography. Unfortunately, there was not quite enough information on Dr Raj's page on IMDb.com. There was some erroneous information, and not even his name was listed properly and in an easily identifiable manner.

In order to compile exhaustive information about Dr Raj's movies and to do proper justice to his prolific career on IMDb.com, I have started a Wiki project called Project Rajkumar. If you are a fan of Dr Rajkumar's movies, please do visit the home page of Project Rajkumar, and share your precious knowledge about his movies with us. The idea is that, all this knowledge will ultimately end up on IMDb.com for the benefit of many generations to come.

I hope Project Rajkumar will turn out to be Dr Raj's online fans' way of paying homage to the great actor. This is certainly far better than the mindless violence that some fans in Bangalore are indulging in.

Johnjay and Rich on KISS FM - Phoenix deserves better!

You know something is quite not right when a couple of radio talk show hosts ask listeners to call in and say what body parts they are missing, on a casual morning talk show (not a medical talk show). To my disbelief, that is precisely what happened on this morning's Johnjay and Rich radio talk show on 104.7 KISS FM, broadcasting out of Phoenix.

There was a lady on the show (someone named Michelle?), who happened to mention that her professor was missing a finger. So, Johnjay and Rich, who are bereft of bright ideas for their show, decided to have listeners call in and say what body parts they are missing, "in honor of Michelle's professor, who is missing a finger"! We know that intelligence is not an important requirement for a radio jockey's job in the US, but can't we at least expect some maturity from them? I mean, these are not 7-year-old boys who derive morbid pleasure out of handicaps and accident victims, right? Couldn't these guys come up with a better topic of discussion on the morning after a 100,000-strong march in Phoenix?

Meanwhile, "Michelle" was being a total bimbo! Some of the gems she said on radio in her high-on-sugar-teenager tone and voice:

"So, we have these people call us and tell us what parts they are missing. And then, we say, 'Okay bye'?"

"In case my professor wants to sue the station or something, I just want to say on air that she is a really good person and I don't want you guys to do this."

"If you want to make fun of someone, don't talk about my professor. Talk about my friend who has a hook for a hand. Or my friend who has to go to the bathroom in a bag." (The last friend has a medical condition because of which she is not able to "go to the bathroom" in the bathroom. She wants them to make fun of her friends and not her professor because her friends will probably not sue?).

"Stop talking about this because it hurts my stomach. I can't stand talk about missing body parts and ...(I forget what else she mentioned here) because it hurts my stomach." (So she wants them to stop their disgusting charade because it hurts her stomach. Not because it is indecent!)

"I can't stand this talk. At 10:01, I am getting out of this station." (She said this at around 8:55 AM. 10 AM is when the talk show ends. She couldn't stand the talk, so she is going to leave AFTER the talk ends?)

What was Johnjay-and-Rich's defense for their indecent and insensitive stunt? "Hey, we are just asking them what body parts they are missing and how they lost them. We are not treating them differently or anything. It is those people who don't want us to talk about this, that think these people are different!" Yeah, right!

Great going, KISS FM! You suspended Crazy Kid, just because he happened to say some bitter truths, which some hypersensitive morons thought to be politically incorrect. You totally disrespected the much vaunted and flaunted American Freedom of Speech. You trashed the Kid and Ruben show, which was smarter, funnier and MUCH better in every way. And the best you could do was give us these immature jokers, Johnjay and Rich? Come on KISS FM, Phoenix deserves much better stuff on its airwaves first thing in the morning!

Hips Don't Lie

Shakira joins the ever-growing list of popular artists who draw our attention to swinging hips and bouncing booties.

The song Hips Don't Lie from her latest album Oral Fixation Vol 2 is fast becoming a major hit. It jumped from the 60th last week to the 41st place this week on The Billboard Hot 100. It's only gonna climb higher and higher in the coming weeks.

For the past week, I have not been able to listen to the popular radio stations for 15 minutes before this song starts playing. I am not complaining. It's a very catchy number, alright! The music video on Yahoo with Shakira's swinging hips and belly dance moves is equally entertaining. There is even a fun(ny) fans only version of the video which was the result of a contest.

Libran Lover is Internet (In)Famous!

Alright, now who has been out-ing information about me all over the Internet? Whoever did this or knows who did this, better confess or else...

"Libran Lover" on MSN Search: http://www.mymsnsearch.com/results.aspx?q=Libran+Lover&FORM=VJNNVFSobbgz

Mother's Cooking

All those years ago, when I ate my mom's cooking everyday - at morning, afternoon and night - I never considered that there would come a day when I wouldn't be able to eat mom's food daily. Now, when I realize that those days may be gone forever, it is hard to accept. It is hard to accept that never again in my life will I have the days when every meal I eat will be cooked by my mom. It is something that's lost forever. I was not even aware, not even paying attention, when I was losing it!

When I was leaving home, I did realize that I would miss home food, but that was hardly the foremost thing in my mind. It was just a minor thought somewhere in the back of my mind. And I certainly did not think of it from the perspective that I would never be eating mom's food daily.

I know it is kind of selfish when the thing you miss most about your folks is the food they provided. But then, food was such a dependably constant thing in my life from the day I was born. Making me eat good food has been the most obvious, frequent and important way in which my mom (and other older folks at home) showed their love. Coming from a culture where hugs and kisses and obvious verbal expressions of love are not common, food took on much more of a significance. Sometimes, I have been so overwhelmed by attempts to stuff me with food, there have even been fights because of it. But in the long run, it's not the smothering and the fights I remember most. What I remember most is the total devotion and dependability that my mom put into the food she fed us.

When I was a kid, I was a really fussy eater. I had very specific preferences on what I would eat, what I would not eat, and on how it had to be prepared and cooked. I had very definite likes and dislikes. If anything was even slightly off, I would simply refuse to eat, causing a lot of grief to my mom. I never missed a chance to complain if I found an occasional piece of hair or small stone in the food. But all that changed when I got older, turned vegetarian, and most importantly, saw how it was in the homes of my friends. Then, I realized the value of the food I was provided at home, and I started to respect and relish it.

I noticed that in the homes of many friends, if their moms were not well or had something else to do, they simply let the kids fend for themselves with regards to food. I noticed that in many homes a fresh, hot breakfast was not really an everyday thing, not something to be taken for granted. People either had breakfast outside in hotels, or ate something like bread or something leftover from the previous night, or nothing at all.

In my house, it was totally different. My mother made sure that we never missed a meal. She literally felt hurt and sad if we missed a meal... or even if she merely felt that we did not eat enough for whatever reason. Regardless of her health or other circumstances, she made sure that our meals were taken care of. Even under the most trying circumstances, she tried to personally prepare our meals. Only if it was totally unavoidable did my mother let us eat outside or have somebody else (an aunt or a neighbor) provide food for us. No matter at what time I had to leave home in the morning, my mother would wake up earlier than me and make fresh, hot breakfast. She would either make me eat at home or pack the breakfast for me. I have seen this happen so consistently regardless of whether I had to leave home at 4 AM or 7 AM or 10 AM. If I was in a hurry and it looked like I might skip the breakfast, she would pick up the plate and walk behind me, literally feeding me while I got ready to go out! when I started working, and I had to leave home at around 7 AM, my mother not only prepared breakfast (and fed it to me on many a morning), she also packed my lunch. Imagine that! To woke up early in the morning and have both a hot breakfast and hot lunch ready by 7 AM!

Later on in life, when I thought about how my mother cooked everyday, cooking two or three times daily, the incredible amount of dedication and hardwork she must have put into it, I am simply overwhelmed. It is difficult to imagine myself (or anybody else) doing that day after day, for years and years. To be able to do that, and do that amidst all the fuss and complaints from an opinionated husband and three difficult kids, must have taken incredible love and devotion. I am sure that it's all that love and devotion which was mixed into the food my mom fed us, that has helped my family sustain through the ups and downs, which has turned us into relatively good human beings.

It's been almost four and half years since I left home and came to the US. I don't know when, if ever, I will get to eat my mother's food everyday. I don't know when I will even get to live under the same roof with my parents. I am sure that will happen someday. However, by then, it wouldn't be my mother's responsibility to cook everyday. I don't grudge her that. I think she has done more to us than many mothers do. However, I can't help thinking sometimes that it would be nice if I could just have another phase in my life when I would get to eat my mother's cooking daily. But, it still won't feel like the old days when I ate her food, totally secure about its continued availability, without a thought that one day I would miss that food!

Love's Parasite

Love is a strange word,she thinks.Does it even have anything to do with marrying and raising babies and paying loans?Was she better off without it?
- The Wait

Yes and no! Love, per se, has nothing to do with marrying, raising babies or paying loans. Those things are all features (trappings!) of a relationship.

It is quite common for most of us to confuse relationships and love. Many of us, especially the romantic ones like the erstwhile Libran Lover, would insist that a relationship and love are indeed one and the same. The truth is that they are not.

A relationship is a deal, a very specific agreement, a transaction. With commitments. With expectations. Limited in scope. Fragile. Binding.

Love is a poem of freedom. A wild naivete. A flight of the spirit. An ache in the heart, a flutter in the tummy, a warmth in the loins. It is infinite. Resilient. Unbound. Unpredictable.

Primal, wild love is the natural state of our souls and spirits. A restraining, civilized relationship is not. Yet, we voluntarily accept the bounds and limitations of a relationship, confining our spirits, taming our wild natures, accepting pain and putting up with disappointments. We do that in the hope that a relationship will assure us a predictable, constant supply of love... from a source which is outside ourselves.

The promise that a relationship will give us constant, consistent love forever is an impossible long-standing myth that humans have accepted. The lure of everlasting love is such that, we have voluntarily chosen to contain, restrain and tame the innocent wilderness in our hearts and loins. Yet, there is no constant supply source of love which is external to us.

The only constant source of love we can depend on is our own heart. Only our own heart can love us at all times, be with us through all the ups and downs of life. Only our loving heart has the power to bring beauty and love to us from the external universe. Nothing else can - not material success, nor external beauty, nor even a committed relationship.

In fact, over the years, the human concept of a relationship - full of impossible expectations and rules and restrictions and disappointments - has become a parasite of love. The very relationship which was supposed to provide an assured source of love, has become a parasite which sucks all the beauty, power and value from love.

And us humans, who are conditioned to nurture, protect and feed this parasite, are doomed!

Sahrdaya

In a lover, I value two things the highest:

1. Understanding.


2. Acceptance.

Understanding: In the best of circumstances, communication is not easy. With differences in basic male-female personalities, distances, personal insecurities, outside influences and numerous other factors, communication is even more of a hit-or-miss thing. As such, a lover (or even a friend or colleague) who can just "get me" without needing too many explanations is invaluable and such a relief to deal with. With someone who doesn't understand us, so much time is taken up in explaining things, defining the norms and standards of the communication code and practices (I call this meta-conversation) that, we have less time for exchange of real information and messages, for sharing, for living, for loving. Meta-conversations are a waste of valuable time which could be better used in sharing and loving. I have been with people who just "get me" without the need for too many words, and I value them immensely.

Acceptance: While I am very reasonable and logical, I can also be a very tough person to deal with. I have my specific preferences, opinions, moods and stubborn quirks. The least productive thing for a lover (or anybody else for that matter), to do with me is to try to change me. Sorry, but won't happen. The harder they try, the more my in-built resistance kicks-in. One could try reasoning with me using logic (this is the best approach). If that does not work, I'd like it if they simply accepted me as I am and concentrated on working with what they got. The same thing applies to life also. Life can be extremely unpredictable, hard to tame and stubborn. I'd rather have a lover who is wise enough to accept things as they are and take a pragmatic approach, rather than get all emotional and unreasonable and mess up things even more than they actually are. Being unreasonable amidst difficulties in life results in the difficulties being multiplied several times. It is tragic to be an unreasonable lover because s/he usually indulge in such behavior to make things better, but things only get worse and s/he seems to be incapable of stopping the unreasonable actions. Women are more prone to such unreasonable behavior. A reasonable, accepting and pragmatic lover is worth her/his weight in gold. S/he has the power to make the difficult times appear less difficult and easier to deal with. Eventually, the difficulties just fade away.

Understanding and acceptance is what makes an empathetic friend or lover, a kindred spirit, a sahrdaya.

To Stay or Not to Stay

Like many Indians who live and work in the US, I am often faced with circumstances and choices which make me wonder if I should continue staying in the US or if I should return back to India.

Following is an attempt to list my reasons to stay in the US and to not stay in the US. This list is not complete. I shall add more reasons as and when I think of them. If you think of some additional reasons, please add them in the comments.

Reasons to stay in the US:

• Higher pay. Even in comparative standard-of-living terms (as opposed to absolute pay terms), Indian pay does not match.


• Infrastructure & facilities in US vs in India. Higher comfort and ease for anything and everything material.


• Travel opportunities in US and other places.


• Polluted and dirty urban living and travel conditions in India.


• The US's extremely low Extrinsic Obstacles Index (EOI) for education, career and fun, compared to India's extremely high EOI.

Reasons to NOT stay in the US:

• Family & friends in India.


• Food. Mother's Cooking.


• Festivals in India.


• Travel opportunities in India.


• Cultural & social experiences of India.


• Thrills of being in the one of the most "happening" countries of the world.


• Experience of participating in the current phase of India's accelerated modernization.


• Exponentially increased opportunities to network with others of my own kind (Indian, young, passionate, techie) due to the fast-growing Internet connectivity in India.


• Missing the company of others of my own kind (Indian, young, passionate, techie). At this point (Mar 2006), I feel extremely lonely in the US. For some reason, I have just not been able to find very many people here in AZ, with whom I could enjoy great friendship and companionship.

More to be added whenever...

Not the babies!

I never watched the TV series The Sopranos on cable. In the past two or three months, I have been catching up on DVD, starting right from season 1. I am totally impressed by the series. It is incredible. This is one of the most entertaining TV series I have watched.

IMDB link: The Sopranos.

I am watching season 3 right now. Yesterday I saw the episode in which the young Meadow Soprano loses her virginity(?). It was kinda weird watching it. I mean, the Soprano kids were so young in the first episode, first season. Meadow was barely a teen, and now she is already losing her virgnity! I guess the fact that I saw the first episode, first season only a couple months ago has something to do with my weird feeling. In actuality, there must have been a gap of at least a couple of years from when Meadow first appeared on season 1 and lost her viriginity on season 3. But what is even more weird (for me) is that I am talking so seriously about characters in a mere television series!

Another kid who is growing up too fast in my world is my colleague's daughter. Two and half years ago, when I first met her, she was just 3. Now she is over 5. That's simple Math. But what is not so simple is that two years ago, she was just a baby of 3. Now she is a girl of 5. Two years ago, she still had baby fat on her face and arms, and she still preferred to be carried around as much as possible. Now carrying her would seem weird to her and to me. She still plays with me when we meet, but not as much or as closely as we used to.

In the coming years, the distance will only increase. Before I know it, she will be a teenager who will hardly have time to even talk to me. Even if she had time, we would not really have much of anything to talk about. Soon, she will be a young woman who thinks she is smarter, hipper and more "with it" than me. And then, we will be lost to each other forever. Although in measures of time, all this will happen in a matter of years, it will all seem too fast and fleeting. And then, I will look back and realize that I really had her in my life, in my arms as a baby, for just a fleeting moment... or two, which I will remember, but she won't.

As kids grow older, although the age difference between them and us remains constant in terms of the number of years, the distance between us only seems to get bigger. The generation difference only gets bigger. I don't mind growing old myself. But I wish the babies didn't!

Rare Display

Today, I had a rare display of strong emotion at work. That is so unlike the cool, calm, unflappable me. I was so angry I kicked my desk drawers and dustbin several times. Nobody noticed. But one of my coworkers heard the commotion. I am feeling a little silly and immature about it now. But at that time, I was boiling and seething. If an enemy had shown up and irritated me at that moment, I would have picked him up and broken him in two.

What happened was that, a support guy came to my desk to help fix a minor issue with my laptop... more specifically, my Windows profile In the process, he did not fix the issue, but ended up deleting my Windows profile... essentially wiping out all the custom settings, bookmarks and shortcuts I had on my machine. Most importantly, he deleted a file which contained important information for my new home mortgage loan application process and appointment. After he was done deleting, I was left with nothing. Not even the phone number of the loan officer I was supposed to meet tomorrow. Fortunately, I was able to Google and then make 2-3 phone calls before I was transferred to the loan officer, who re-sent most of the information to me.

Right now, it looks like all that volcanic emotion was unnecessary. But at that time in the morning, I was feeling very edgy. Two reasons for that:

1. Like most IT people who have great confidence in the simple steps of computer operation, the support guy at my desk did not take one or two simple precautions which could have saved my data. I am actually lucky that he did not end up deleting some really critical, unrecoverable data.


2. At that point of time, I had lost important information about my mortgage loan appointment. I did not know how easy or quick it was going to be to get it again. It was the busy time of the day for me at work. I also wanted to call my real estate agent ASAP and share the information with him. And I knew that I'd feel like a fool to call the loan officer and ask her to repeat all the information she had given me less than one hour back (this is what I had to do finally).


3. The more important reason for my anger is that what happened today is part of a bigger problem. My new employer's IS systems and processes have fumbled and botched at every step in converting me from a contractor to a full time employee. The bungling has been unbelievable and indicative of very immature processes. Things are not only botched, they are done at a really slow pace.

I was really tempted to shoot off an angry mail to the support guy's supervisor. I am glad that I didn't. I would have regretted that even more than I regret the kicking of my desk and dustbin. Yes, the guy made a silly error. But that's no big deal. He has already learnt his lesson. However, I definitely need to give feedback about the overall lack of process maturity. Meanwhile, I hope to god there are no more emotional outbursts at work!

Update on April 2nd, 2006: Last Monday, we had a staff meeting with the VP who asked us to send him an email about one major bottle-neck we have seen at the workplace. I emailed him about the issues with IS Support. Meanwhile, the deletion of my profile screwed up something which is preventing me from using some of my applications. I have reported it to IS Support. They are yet to fix it for me!

Wild Libran Lover

A domesticated LL is not a happy LL. An unhappy LL cannot make anybody happy.

Assign, don't ask

Learnt a small lesson in management today: At times it may be better to just assign tasks to individuals and not ask them.

We have two main developers who have been working closely together on all of the programming for the project. We were reviewing the project implementation plan today with the objective of assigning specific tasks to specific individuals.

Everytime we came to a task that a developer needed to do, I'd ask who wants to do it and I got the answer, "Put both our names, one of us will do it." The developers were simply not able to decide who wants to do what. I wanted to put a specific name against each task so that there are no confusions during the implementation and no task is missed. It would also be good for later accountability if any questions or issues came up, to know exactly who did what.

Since I did not assign the tasks myself, at the end of the meeting, I found that most of the tasks for the developers ended up with both their names, leaving room for ambiguity as to who would do what.

Workplace Name Calling

In the old days (before I was born?) the respectful way to address superiors and co-workers was to use their last name. This started to change in the late 80s and 90s, especially in the technology industry, with everybody, at all levels in the organization addressing each other by first names. This change happened well before I started my career. So, I have always addressed coworkers and superiors by their first names.

Today I realized just how much this practice has become ingrained in us: I noticed an email I had sent yesterday to my boss's boss, which started by addressing him by his last name. I have spent all morning wondering if that mail sounds disrespectful and if I should send out a clarification.

I was surprised to discover what I had done and am still not able to understand how/why I did it. It was most probably because our email system displays people's last names first, and I had just entered his last name in the address field of the email. So, his last name was stuck on my mind when I began the body of the email.

I thought it was funny that today I am feeling awkward over something which would have been the norm only a couple of decades ago - to address a superior at the work place by his last name. I think I will just let this pass and won't send any clarifications.

3 True + 1 False

We have an office picnic planned for next month, and we are playing a game called "False Facts" (is that an oxymoron?). The objective of the game is to find out how well we know our co-workers and to get to know even better at the end of the game.

Each of us sends three true facts and one false piece of information about ourselves to the organizer. The organizers compiles everybody's information, and creates a multiple choice questionnaire for the picnic. The objective is to identify the one lie about each person. The person who identifies the maximum number of lies about others is the winner.

Here's what I sent. Let's see if you can find the "false fact" in this list:

1. I have won only one sports trophy in my entire life.


2. I can type more than 80 words per minute with 98% accuracy.


3. I have NEVER completely shaved off my moustache.


4. Although I use credit cards for almost ALL purchases, I have NEVER paid interest on the card balance in my entire life.

The Butterfly Effect

Warning: This blog contains spoilers for the movie The Butterfly Effect. If you have not seen the movie and don't want your enjoyment of the movie to be spoilt, you might not want to read further.

It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.
- Chaos Theory

I started watching the movie The Butterfly Effect last night and finished it today. It is Ashton Kutcher's serious movie. It is the story of a guy called Evan (Ashton's character). It is about his sad group of friends. It is about how certain key incidents in their shared lives, tragically determines the course of the rest of their lives. It is about how Evan discovers a method to go back into the past. Having discovered how to travel into the past, he travels back to each of the key incidents in his life. His intention is to slightly alter his own actions in those incidents and there by avoid the tragedy that follows.

The idea is good enough. Unfortunately for Evan, everytime he manages to avert one tragedy, something else happens that seems to be even worse. No matter what he does, he only seems to manage to harm his friends, family and himself.

Finally, towards the end of the movie... well, this is when the real spoiler comes. So, you still have time to stop reading further.
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Still wanna read on? Alright. Towards the end of the movie, Evan finds out the only way to stop all the multiple tragedies he and his loves ones have experienced in the multiple versions of his life. He goes back to the very beginning, to the time before he was born, and kills himself in his mother's womb! The movie continues for a few more minutes to show how each of his friends and his family, manage to finally live a happy life instead of tragic ones.

Sad. To think that the existence of one person who really means well, who only wants to do good, screws up the lives of all the people he loves. And that his disappearance would make it all good for everyone.

Sad. But I understand how that can be. I have screwed up lives too, with what I thought were good intentions. I continue to screw up lives by my mere existence. By the very way in which I live. Almost every day, I do small things which metamorphose through the Butterfly Effect into big pain for others.

I wish I could go back to the very beginning too. And snuff it all out.

My Own Home in America!

Yesterday, I signed the contract to get myself a new home, my first own home in America! Wow! It is a 2133-square-foot model they are calling Hawaii, sitting on a 60 X 110 ft plot of land. My home elevation will look pretty much similar to the picture here, except that the garage will be on the right side.

It all happened so suddenly and unexpectedly. I knew this would happen at some time. But, I never thought this would happen so soon, although a couple of friends suggested months ago that I should consider buying a home instead of staying in rental apartments.

A close friend and colleague has been actively looking to buy a home, and I accompanied him on his house hunts this past Saturday, and the Sunday before that. I was merely with him to see how his search goes and how the market is out there. However, on Saturday, I really liked three of the houses that he was looking at. I called him and spoke to him about them, and he said I should go ahead if I am really interested.

So, on Sunday, I took a couple of good friends to take a more critical view of the houses. On second look, only one of those three houses seemed worth considering. And then, one of the friends who was with me, suggested that we look at some model homes in a community that Richmond American Homes was developing close by. We took a look and found that a plan we liked was available as a "spec home", with a pretty good discount.

A "spec home" is something which somebody else had planned on buying, but then decided not to. The house is usually at a certain stage in the construction process (my house is at the "frame" stage), and hence the builder wants to sell it away as soon as they can. So, they offer discounts and incentives on those. In my case, the discount was good enough that it did not take long for me to make a decision. One day later, on Monday, I signed the contract on my new house!

There was a little bit of apprehension and cold feet just before I signed the contract. The real estate prices in this area have started to come down recently, and people are expecting them to go down further in the coming months. So, there is a risk that something similar to my house would be available for lesser cost in the future. I considered the discount I was getting on my house, the general location of the community, and decided to take a calculated risk.

As if to vindicate my decision, after I had signed the contract, we found another brand-new barely lived-in house in the same community, the same Hawaii model as mine, which was already put up for sale by the new owner at a price which is about $50000 more than the cost of my house. That house backs up to a green-belt area and probably has some great upgraded features. Nevertheless, I am confident that my decision is not wrong.

Only thing weird about the situation is that I am doing all this alone. I mean, I have my friends here, and the real estate agent accompanied me when signing the contract. But I am buying a house, a home, without a partner or a family with me. Feels weird. Even more weird will be to actually stay alone in a 4-bedroom house! We'll wait and see.

Libran Lover's Blog Updates

Time for a few updates about my blog:

1. Categories: If you notice the side-bar of this blog (you may have to scroll down a bit), you will notice a great new section called Categories! Lack of this feature has been a long time complaint of Blogger.com users. But now I am very happy to have this feature, courtesy of Amit Upadhyay who runs the third-party service Labelr.com. That's right, this feature is not from Blogger.com! It is created and offered by Amit. This service is still in beta. So, if you see any glitches, please let us know about it by leaving a comment on my blog.



2. My Buddy is published for your reading and dreaming pleasure. Back in late Oct 2005 (has it been so long already?), I described a futuristic all-purpose device called My Buddy in two posts. Soon after publishing My Buddy's description, I pulled off the two posts and kept them in draft status so that the whole world could not read them. At that time, I had some ideas of pursuing the creation of the My Buddy gadget, and may be becoming the next Bill Gates and Steve Jobs rolled into one. After giving it much thought over the past few months, I have realized that I am not in a position right now to create such a grand, dream device and the technology that goes with it. Such a device is at least two generations away from what is technically feasible right now. When I wrote the original description of My Buddy, I was not dreaming of becoming the next Bill Gates / Steve Jobs, and not even of becoming rich from the idea. I was merely dreaming of being the user of such a fantastic device, and that continues to be my basic dream today as far as My Buddy goes. So, I am sharing the description of My Buddy once again with the world, hoping that someone or the other would make it a reality.



3. Since the beginning of this year, I have been publishing only time sensitive posts on this blog. Meaning, posts which could not wait, which had to be published as soon as I could type them out. Meanwhile, I have a handful of other posts in draft status. These are posts which can wait. They shall be published towards the end of March. So, keep watching this space.

Those are the updates for now. Have a great time!

Update on June 23rd, 2007: Update no. 1 above has been obsolete ever since Blogger was upgraded to have its own great label system. I now use Blogger's label system, as you can see in the sidebar.

Root Cause of Eve Teasing in India

After writing this whole blog post, I realized that it is longer than I thought it would be, where as all that I want to say can be summed up in just one line. So, if you are in a hurry, here's a one line precis of the root cause for eve teasing. If you have time though, I recommend that you read what follows, in sequence from beginning to end.

Annie of the Known Turf blog has posted a stark and really moving account of eve teasing from a female victim's perspective: Streets, stories, strategies. A lot of things have been written about eve teasing, by both men and women. But this kind of intense, personal account has been absent for a long time in the mainstream media. I am not surprised that this has finally emerged in the blogosphere, rather than the mainstream media. See also: Blank Noise Project.

A very personal account is not the only thing which has been conspicuously missing from the mainstream debates and writings on eve-teasing. What is also missing is an honest, incisive look at the root cause. Most people simply take a superficial view: men are assholes; third-world men are uncouth pigs; it is simply their nature to do it; third-world cultures are backward and repressive and condone harassment of women.

When feminist types enter the debate, rather than helping, they distort the issue: It is all about power. Eve-teasing is yet another way for the chauvinistic males to exert their power over the women and suppress them. It might be about sex in a small way, but it is a distorted expression of the patriarichal society in a major way. See also: Eve Teasing, Rite of passage?

There may be some truth to the feminist view-point that eve-teasing is about a man showing-off his dominance over a woman. But that is only a partial truth. That is probably true of only a very tiny percentage of eve teasing incidents. As a guy who has participated in mild eve teasing (check my personal dirt), and who has witnessed his share of such incidents, I can tell you that 99% of eve teasing is not about power. Eve teasing is more a distorted and perverse sexual expression.

When a guy on the roadside whistles or passes a loud, lewd comment at a passing girl, he is not thinking of dominating over her or subduing her or feeling powerful. When a guy brushes by a girl or pokes an elbow into her when passing her on the pavement, or copes a feel on a crowded train/bus, he is not thinking of suppressing her or all of womanhood. The last thing the sneaky asshole is feeling is powerful! These guys are rather seizing the moment to have a fleeting sexual experience. And in a large number of cases, it is truly fleeting from the male perspective. The guy who whistled or passed a dirty comment most probably did not give the girl or his behavior much thought - neither before nor after the incident. There are very many times when I have seen guys stop whatever they were doing (bantering or playing a game) to tease a passing girl and then go right back to their original activity.

I am not trying to deny the seriousness of eve teasing by claiming that it is a fleeting thing from the male perspective. I can understand that for the girl, it is a deep and lingering hurt and humiliation. I know that eve teasing denies a full-fledged public life for most young women in India. So, I am making no excuses for the males. All I am saying is that most of the time, there is no complex psycho powerplay involved in these cases.

I feel that feminists get off on the power angle for three reasons:

1. They have a tendency to look at everything through their feminist lens, and for them, the whole universe is about yang dominating and suppressing the yin, and taking away her rights.



2. They feel that if we accept the sexual urges to be the motivation for eve teasing, then somehow the guy who did eve teasing escapes personal blame and responsibility. Since sexual urges are common for almost all of us, and it is an inherent part of our biology, the feminists think the teaser escapes being characterized as a demon. This is not acceptable to them. They would like the eve teasing and harassing males to be portrayed as abnormal, cruel, powerful demons.



3. It is very hard for women to accept that the same sexual energy which motivates the passion of their tender lover, might also be at the core of an eve-teaser's or rapist's motivations. They want to believe that their lover's sexual motivation is clean and pure, and the eve-teaser's sexual motivation is dirty and obscene. They find it hard to logically separate the biological sexual motivation from the sexual action. If they had to accept that the motivation of the lover and the teaser are the same, then in their eyes, the actions would also be equally dirty and that would spoil their enjoyment of the lover's attentions.

I am not a woman, so I may very well be wrong here. But I have come to these conclusions after many debates with feminist-minded women.

I believe that giving too much importance to the power and patriarchy angle in eve teasing distorts us from having a clear view of the issue and its real root cause. This in turn, takes us farther away from any solution for the issue.

So, what might be the clearer view? I believe it is this: Most of the eve teasing incidents are distorted and deviant expressions / experiences of sexuality by men who cannot have a healthy sharing of sexuality with a particular girl or woman. In many cases, the man/men involved probably don't have a healthy sexual relationship with any woman at all. That is, they are mostly frustrated bachelors.

At this point, I have to make it clear that being "frustrated bachelors" does not in anyway condone the sexual crime, be it eve teasing or something more serious. Just because the motivation might be sexual, does not mean the guy(s) can escape blame or responsibility or punishment.

I also accept that there may be exceptional cases where the motivation is something more or other than the sexual urge. There are no doubt cases where the guys are sadists, cruel chauvinists, real demons. None of what I write above or below is about such guys.

Why is the bachelor frustrated?
Most Indians know the answer to this question. India is still a country where majority of the marriages are arranged, and most youngsters don't date. Individuals, especially women, do not choose their own mates - they merely say aye or nay to the person chosen by their families. A male-female pair who are not married or otherwise related, are frowned upon, disapproved, harassed (even by the police) if they are seen together in public. Romantic couples have always found ways around these restrictions, but the public disapproval is a very real fact even today. It is changing, especially in urban areas, but not fast enough. Compared to the total number of unmarried young people in India, the number of young people who are actually romantically involved with someone, is a very small minority. Romantic pairing among unmarried people is still uncommon and premarital sex is even rarer.

The result: supposing that a boy becomes sexually active at around 12-13 years of age and gets married after 25 years of age, over a dozen years of the height of his sexual life are spent in enforced singledom, without a romantic partner. In addition to this, bombard the guy with overt and covert sexuality in all kinds of media, and every guy out there is a walking bomb of repressed sexual energy. I am actually surprised that the situation is not much worse than it is now. If animals were repressed like that for years after reaching their age of sexual maturity - or for that matter if American youth were - they would have torn apart their societies, not merely indulged in eve teasing.

This is the root cause of eve-teasing. It is merely an urge to express and experience sexuality in a society which actively and passively suppresses it. This is almost never frankly expressed or talked about in most articles or debates on the issue, which are usually from the female perspective. This is the truth from the male perspective.

If you are not convinced, look at Western societies. There is hardly a concept of public eve teasing in countries like the United States (although there is definitely behind-closed-doors sexual harassment everywhere). The reason for this is not strict law enforcement, although that certainly is a deterrant. The real reason is one of the following:

• Most young guys are too busy with their girlfriends to indulge in teasing or harassing strange women.

OR

• Most young guys are too busy wooing prospective girlfriends. They know that their chances of landing a girl are very bright if they exhibit good behavior. On the other hand, bad behavior, such as eve teasing, will reduce their chances to zero.

In India, most young guys don't have girlfriends. So, the first bullet above is not possible. As for the second bullet, because of the sexual and romantic repression among Indian youth and the conservative society, for most guys, the chances of landing a girlfriend is already close to zero even if they are well-behaved. So, there is no great reward for good behavior just as there is no great punishment for bad behavior. Meanwhile, their suppressed sexuality needs expression and experience... and it comes out as eve teasing.

If you still don't get it, let me put it more simply: If most young guys were sharing a healthy sexual relationship with their girlfriends, they wouldn't be teasing or feeling up strange women in public places. If there was a well-taught and well-understood code for pleasantly communicating their attraction and safely sharing their sexuality with uninhibited young women, guys wouldn't be indulging in unpleasant and unsafe expressions like eve teasing and harassment.

In Western countries like the US, if a guy feels attracted to a girl, there is a very definite social code and language he follows to express his intentions. Both the guy and the girl have the independence to safely share and experience their attraction, without any disapproval or danger. In India, such a social code and independence was missing in the past, and is just beginning to emerge now.

It is as simple as that!


~~*~~

PS: Incidentally, I arrived at my conclusions on this root cause of eve teasing in India, after I came to the US and compared the situation in the US with the situation in India. If I had not come out of India, I might not have had this insight. This is a classic example of the phenomenon I have mentioned in a previous post on NRI Nationalism: coming out of India gives us some better perspectives and insights into India's issues.

Personal Dirt: My Eve Teasing Experience
Yes, I have indulged in mild eve teasing during my college days. No, I am not proud of it. My past eve teasing acts consisted of a couple of occasions when I sat on the pavement on my college street with other friends and whistled or sang loudly at passing girls, who also studied in my college. Otherwise, most of my college days were spent in classes (I almost never missed classes) or being lost in my personal romantic story or watching the antics of my friends, which included eve teasing. And by the way, my friends' eve teasing also mostly consisted of whistling or passing comments. I have not seen them physically harass any girl. There, you have the dirt on me now!

Precis of the Root Cause for Eve Teasing
The root cause of eve teasing in India is that the sexually repressed young people don't have enough premarital romance in their lives.