Heartache for R!

I was at a friend's place this evening. We were drinking and listening to songs in the background. They were playing a CD with recorded songs from Kandukonden Kandukonden, Alai Paayuthe and Kaakka Kaakka. All of these are songs which remind me of R. Felt very sad listening to them.

I met R close to an year ago in a chat room. We hit it off instantly. Our first topic of conversation was the female butt, of all the things in the world! It did not take long for R to have a crush on me without ever having seen me. I was not very convinced because she is about 8 years younger than me.

I met her when I was in India last July. When we were together face to face, the 8 years age difference did not seem like a big thing. We liked each other. We committed to each other.

I came back to the US, having spent barely a month in India. R continued with her final year bachelor's course. Meanwhile, her parents came to know that we loved each other. They disapproved solely because of caste differences. I am sure that if I belonged to their caste, they would have been very happy about our association and given us their blessings.

For me, there were no blessings. Instead, her father sent me a very frank email in which he made it very clear that this relationship would not have his approval and that it would bring down the stature of their family in the community.

I felt very bad to read that email. Nobody who has been associated with me has ever felt that their stature has been lowered. I have always tried to live my life such that people who personally interact with me go away being/feeling enriched or better than they were when they came. And here was somebody who was almost a total stranger telling me that association with me would reduce the stature of his family in society!

It was not a good time for R. She was a very young person, just a student who was dependent on her parents for everything, including the means to communicate with me. There was a coldwar-like atmosphere in her home. She could not talk to me on the phone. She had to get up in the middle of the night and chat with me in stealth, and run away when somebody in the home woke up.

I was not there in India to share things with her. I was not there, close to her or with her. She was with her family, which totally opposed our feelings and interaction. We did not have any opportunities to share our feelings, thoughts and lives like young lovers usually should. All we had was the stealthy chat.

We started to have doubts about the feasibility of our relationship. I had doubts because of the difference in our age. She had doubts about being able to go against her family. We decided to split.

It's been just over 6 months since we decided to split. But it seems so much longer. And I am still sad. I don't know what went wrong. We were both nice, young people. Nothing wrong with either of us. We never desired bad things for others. We never wronged others. We just wanted to be together and share our lives and be happy. What went wrong?

A couple of months or so after we split up, she came back to me, asking to take her back. But I Told her that I did not love her anymore like I used to. I hurt her. And now she thinks we are not meant to be together.

We were/are both appreciative of each other. We really like each other and how we are and our individual talents and natures. She is very pretty, smart, talented and wise. She accepted me as I am, knowing all my shortcomings, my mistakes, my past. She accepted me as I am, with no complaints, without asking for anything about me to be different. She called me an "adorable goundar rapist", with affection. She was the first person to address me as kanna! And, she is the only person to have told me that she wants to bear my children!

I don't know what I ever did to deserve that much love and acceptance. After a long, long time, she was the person whom I really thought of as my wife. I loved referring to her as my girlfriend. I loved belonging to her. I liked being possessive of her and having the feeling returned. I thought I was finally settled for in life.

I don't know what went wrong. All I know is that, neither one of us deserved all that pain. And both of us are unhappy. I miss her youthful enthusiasm and affection and admiration. We are both just nice young people, who never wished anything bad for anyone. We deserved better. My heart aches!