Handling One-sided Love

It happens to all of us at one time or the other: we fall in love with someone who does not love us back the same way as we love them. one-sided love. Unreturned love. Unreciprocated love.

One day you are innocently living your own life. The next day, you start to notice this cute person at school / work, or this charming new person in your social circle, or you befriend this person online who seems to be very interesting, or you start to date somebody to whom you are very attracted. At first it is just this admiring attraction you feel, that you are barely aware of yourself. Then, there comes a moment when you realize that you are hopelessly in love with them, and have been so for the past few days / weeks. One-sided love is like that... it has the nasty habit of creeping up on you unexpectedly.

Regardless of how it starts, one-sided love is one of the most painful experiences to go through. The pain is especially great when it is first love. One of the cruel realities of human life is that for most people, first love is indeed one-sided love.

Love happens. It is extremely hard to consciously choose with whom, when and how you fall in love. So, it is almost impossible to avoid one-sided love. Falling in that trap is in itself very bad and very sad. But it is what you do after the fall that's important. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to do things which compound matters more and cause the pain to be far greater than it needs to be.

One-sided love is my old friend. I have been on both sides of the equation. I have experienced the pain, difficulties and discomfort of the one who fell in love and did not find it reciprocated. And I have noted with surprise and much misery that being the object of one-sided love can be an equally painful experience, if not worse. I have enormous compassion and empathy for those who go through this misery on either side. I present this post with the humble hope that it might be of some help to the unfortunate souls going through the hell of one-sided love.

Undoubtedly, some of what I write below will sound like actions that drive the final nail on the coffin of your love and bury it. So, this advice will be hard to accept for people who still harbor hopes that their love will succeed. But trust me, when I say that these actions are not aimed at burying your love. These actions are primarily focussed on helping you heal and be strong. And if there is even a remote possibility, for your love to succeed, these very actions will draw out that possibility and help it become a reality. As such, all that I write below is totally valid and applicable whether you have given up on your love and want to move on, or you still harbor hopes that it will succeed. In either case, you would do well to heed this advice.


When to give up?


You fall in love. You share this fact with your beloved, with much anxiety and fear, hoping upon hope that they feel the same way towards you. But alas, you learn that they do not "like you that way" or "never saw you like that" or "can never have that type of feelings for you". There is immediate dejection, your heart feels heavy as a mountain in your chest. Then what?

You try again. The next hour or next day or next week, you have another talk with the person you love. You hope to convince them with logic or sentiments. You try desperately to make them see the beautiful vision of a future together that fills your eyes, you try to fill their hearts with the overwhelming, tender feelings that fill your own. But without success. Then what?

It can be very tough to know when to recognize that your love will never succeed, that you should give up and move on. It is especially tough to realize the futility of it all when you are young. And even if you realize that it is a failed venture, it can be tough to give up and let go without trying your best, without putting some desperate effort into it, without fighting for that ultimate love you so ardently believe in.

So, at what point should you give up? Unfortunately, there is no right answer to that question. Just as we cannot predict when the heart will fall in love, we cannot predict when the heart will be ready to give up and move on. Worse, we cannot predict the heart of the other person - who knows, it might turn around and fall for us, if only we remain true to our love for a few more days or weeks. So, I cannot tell you exactly when to give up. A good rule of thumb is to give up as soon as the communication from both sides has been very clear and unambiguous. You have expressed your love clearly and the other person has rejected you unambiguously? Time to move on.


Don't try too hard


You have talked 2 or 3 times to the person you love to see if they love you back the same. They don't. Then what to do with them? Nothing. Just let go. Even if you madly, desperately love them, don't try to make them. Keep the mad love in your own heart. Don't drown the other person with your feelings. Don't try too hard.

You can't use logic to convince anybody to love you. You cannot charm them into loving you, against their wishes. You cannot force or make anybody love you, if they don't already feel the love for you. Moreover, convincing somebody to love you with your charm, beauty, money or sex is not the best way to get love. Love cannot be bought like that. The best and most enduring love is the one which rises in the heart on its own, inspired merely by the being of the other person, without needing extra efforts or convincing from anybody. Such love will flow effortlessly and naturally, of its own accord.

Whatever you do, don't try too hard to make somebody love you. I can never stress this enough. By trying too hard, you might actually be killing any small chances there might be for the other person to fall for you. Growing things need lots of room to grow freely and playfully. You can't convince a wild tiger or wolf to come out and play with you by trying too hard and chasing it all over the jungle. The most you can do is regulate your own behavior and hope for it to come to you on its own. Who knows, if you are lucky, things might flow your way. But don't try too hard lest you kill your chances yourself.


Walk away and keep away


The other thing you do when your love is not reciprocated is just walk away. Put some distance between the person you love and yourself. In fact, if you know for sure that they will never love you back, it is best if you don't run into them or communicate with them at all. At least temporarily. Perhaps later, when your heart has let go and healed, there may be a chance to resume some form of acquaintanceship or friendship. But when your love for them is still burning bright, when the wound of rejection is still fresh, when your heart is still hurting, any type of regular and/or close contact should be avoided.

Some people fear that by keeping away from the person they love, they may be killing what little chance they may have with them. The opposite is true. When you are away, it gives the other person a chance to realize what they are missing by not having you around. If they realize that and truly want you, they will come seeking you on their own. If they don't realize anything of the sort, it means they didn't notice you or value you all that much to begin with. So, you are better off being away from them.


Don't do stuff together


In a way, this point is same as the previous point about keeping away from the object of your love. But this is important enough that I am spelling it out explicitly. Before you fell for that person, the two of you might have been in a relationship where you did stuff together. You might have been buddies, classmates, colleagues, or part of some hobby/special interest group. But now that you have expressed your romantic interest and have been rebuffed, it is better that you avoid such combined activities.

This may require you to go through some inconvenient changes in your own life. Change classes at school? Change departments at work? Stop hanging out at the same social haunts or events? Delete them from your online contact lists, phone address book, etc.? Even change the gang of friends whom you meet regularly? The idea is to keep interaction / contacts with the person you fell for at a bare minimum or none.

This advice is most important if you were doing 'couple stuff' before one of you fell in love seriously. By couple stuff, I mean things like casual dating, going out for movies or dinner as a twosome, or even a friends-with-benefits / casual sex type of relationships. If you were doing such things, and one of you fell in love seriously, where as the other person doesn't want to get serious, put a complete stop to all the 'couple stuff'.

It can be very painful to regularly interact, even as just friends or colleagues, with a person who doesn't reciprocate your ardent love. You are constantly reminded of what you love, desire and want, but can't have. It's a torture for the body, heart and soul. It makes moving on and healing very tough. It comes in the way of getting a proper perspective on things. Don't let yourself go through that torture. End the interactions.


Don't stalk or obsess


Being in love means being constantly concerned and interested about everything going on with the person you love. This comes very close to stalking and obsessing. Stalking isn't restricted to just physically following someone around everywhere. Physical following is something you should never do with someone who doesn't reciprocate your love. Remember - walk away and keep away! But suppose circumstances don't allow you to totally avoid interacting with the person towards whom you feel one-sided love. Suppose you are classmates or colleagues, and you are unable to change classes or jobs. Then what? If you can't be physically away, at least try not to mentally obsess about the person. I know this is easier said than done. To love someone is to think about that person constantly. But you can certainly avoid obsessive behavior like trying to know everything about them, keeping tabs on what is going on with them, listening to their conversations with others, constantly checking their blogs or social networking pages and updates (Facebook, Orkut, MySpace, etc.), following them online to participate in the discussions and postings they are involved in, etc., etc. These are the types of behavior you can and should avoid. Doing these things won't help you win their love. These things will in fact, push them farther away. And these actions keep you from healing and moving on.


Don't try to share and heal together


It's stupid to think that a person who loves and another person who doesn't return that love can share the hurts caused by this same unreturned love, and can heal together. You may genuinely care for each other. You might even have been good friends in the past. But as things stands now with one person wanting something more than the other person is willing to share or give, there is no way for peace and healing to be experienced together. You can certainly heal, but on your own. Or with some other caring friend or lover. Not with the person you love and who can't love you back. Don't even attempt this because the opposite will occur. The constant reminder of unreturned love will hurt you more. It will cause the other person to feel worse also.


Don't become weak or ill


Whatever you do, for god's sake don't become weak or fall ill - physically or mentally. It is not worth it at all. Not worth spoiling your health over someone who doesn't return your love. It is not fair to yourself. It is not fair to the other person. It also doesn't make you any more attractive or love-able. In fact, by falling ill, becoming weak or going loco, you are totally destroying any little chance there might have been of things working out for you. When the person wasn't attracted to you or didn't love you when you were healthy and happy, what makes you think that falling ill or going crazy makes you any more attractive and love-able. Just get a good strong grip on yourself and concentrate on living a steady, strong life. It's okay if you have to break-down and cry. Just don't stay broken or stay down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.


Ultimately, that is the gist of everything I have said above: when you are in love and it's not returned, just move on. Move on.