Bangalore Notes - Feb 12th, 2007 – Bangalore Bandh

Today was the day of Karnataka state-wide bandh (which means closure of all schools and businesses), protesting the recent decision about the sharing of Cauvery river water with Tamilnadu. The bandh was mostly peaceful. There were a few incidents of people stopping vehicles which appeared to be commuting to work against the bandh call, and letting the air out of their tyres. The TV news also showed one place where a bunch of motorcycles were burnt. Apparently, these belonged to some people who had travelled to work. I feel sorry for the guys who owned those vehicles - I bet most of them are just middle-class or poor people who couldn't afford to replace the vehicles without feeling a painful pinch in their pockets. Some of them have probably not even paid off the loan on the vehicles which were burnt. And I bet, the insurance will not cover their loss. I wonder what compelled them risk things and to go out to work despite the highly emotional bandh.

I also wonder about how effective these bandhs are in achieving their objectives. Who feels the pinch of bandhs? Certainly not the state or central governments for whom it is nothing more than the loss of one day's tax revenue. Certainly neither the elected nor the unelected administrative officials would be bothered by such a loss. The people who are affected the worst by these bandhs are the who have the least power to do anything about the issues - the common people. The people who own businesses, the people whose personal plans and lives are adversely affected by the closures, the people whose travel plans are disrupted - these are the people whom a bandh affects the worst. So, how does a bandh really help in achieving any objectives? I guess it is mostly an activity for show, and also a psychological outlet for those people who feels passionately about the issues, but cannot do anything more effectively and meaningful to change things.

I woke up rather early today - sometime between 4 AM and 5 AM, I am guessing. Could not go back to sleep, my heart and mind filled with depression and nostalgia and pain for everything that happened in the past 2-3 years. It all feels like a piece of cactus stuck in my throat or chest, which I am not able to push down or bring back up. Wish things had not happened the way they did. The thing about wounds of the heart is that, the pain lives forever and ever. There is pain when the wounds are alive; there is also pain when they are healed, because the defeat and loss of love is always there. It feels so overwhelming at times - like the stuck cactus is blowing up like a balloon, becoming bigger and bigger, pricking more and more, constricting throat and heart. Time to get out of the bedroom now!

Went up to the terrace. The first impression was that of all the neighborhood buildings which seem to be growing up vertically. Between these buildings, I was greeted by a glorious sunrise - I immediately came down to grab my camera and clicked off a few pictures. (Photo will be posted when I have a better Internet connection!) The sight of the rising Sun caused a feeling of exhilaration and upliftment, tinged by a sadness and ache. I could not help thinking that if this was like the old days, I would have shared this photo with the girlfriend, infecting her with my exhilaration and taking joy in her enjoyment.

Three of my uncles came home today. Much of my waking hours were spent showing them and my family, photos from the last year and a half - photos of my new home in Phoenix, photos of my visits to places in beautiful Arizona, my housewarming party, etc. In the afternoon, after lunch, try as I might, I could not stop from falling into jet-lagged sleep. Between the sleep and visiting with family and relatives, I could talk to only two of my friends on the phone – Vikram and Pankaja. I wanted to call a few others, but time just slipped away and then it was too late in the night to call.

I also talked to A for the first time on the phone today. This is the girl who was introduced to my parents by our neighbor. My parents gave her my email address and she wrote to me. We chatted over the Internet about 3 times when I was in Phoenix. I don't feel ready to get into any new relationship so soon after my recent break-ups. I also feel weird communicating with someone introduced by my family, under the shadow of the pressure and curiosity from both families. I feel like I am artificially trying to start a relationship, without just letting things flow the way they naturally would. I am trying my best to let things work out on their own. For that reason, I have strictly told my parents to keep off me and not force me or ask me anything regarding this girl. But they find it hard to understand - they want me to do something and reach a 'yes or no' decision ASAP. They say they don't want to keep the girl's side waiting - if my answer is to be a 'no', they want to let them know that and let them move on with their lives. Sometimes I feel that I should have never let my parents give out my email address to A and have her write to me. I don't feel good stringing her along when I am not yet ready for a relationship. I have even told A all of this - about my feelings on arranged relationships, about my recent breakups, about my not being ready for a relationship, and about my not intending to get into any relationship with anybody unless my heart and soul was fully into that person and unless the other person felt the same way about me. Thankfully, she seems to understand all this, and seems to be willing to take it easy and let things flow naturally. We'll see how it goes.