Defeated in Love

Love has been a life-long quest. I have sought the true companion, the soul-mate since as far back as I can remember, even as a very small child. There has always been a need for the partner who is compatible in body, mind and spirit; with whom I share open, uninhibited and complete affection, attraction and bonding; with whom I would be totally happy and at complete peace, sharing every aspect of our lives with each other.

However, true companionship has always been elusive, despite the many nice people I met and shared a connection with. Now, at 30, I am a very tired and defeated man.

I like to sing, I love to sing, and there is always a song in my mind, heart or mouth. I have mostly sung solo. I have never met anyone who could truly sing duets with me. I have met many people who can sing well, who are trained in music, who love to sing just as I do; I have even met people who have wanted to sing with me; heck, I have even sung a duet or two with them. Yet, the one who can truly sing with me – the one who can match my voice, pitch, range and style, the one who knows, understands and can sing a similar repertoire of songs from different languages and time periods – has eluded me. Even the few people I have met, who can match my singing in most of the ways, are not able to sing with me for one reason or the other.

The story of my love life is no different. Despite the many fine people I have met, despite some of them liking me, despite a few of them even loving me, I have mostly been alone. I have not been able to find anybody to share all aspects of my life with.

What have I not done for love? I have lied, cheated, debased and dishonored myself, allowed myself to be cursed and insulted, lost my principles, my character, my sense of self-worth, my self-confidence, my innocence and idealism, my enthusiasm and zest for life, and lot more… all for the sake of love. I have never misrepresented myself – that is, shown myself to be somebody I am not, or exaggerated things about me – to win somebody’s love. However, I have lied and cheated to ‘protect’ the one I loved (and who I thought loved me) from getting hurt… or so I have told myself. Regardless of the motivations, reasons and excuses, lying and cheating causes incredible damage, it eats away the very fabric of life. I have always known that. Yet, I have risked even that for the sake of love.

What have I not done for love? So much time, effort and energy spent for it. So much suffering and heartache endured. I have not fully enjoyed some of the best years and moments of my life simply because my mind and heart were elsewhere, engaged (and usually hankering/suffering) in the throes of love, in the pursuit of someone with whom I wanted to sing my song at the time. It is a tremendous amount of effort and energy spent in this pursuit - so much that, I am surprised that I have been able to achieve anything else in life with the leftover energy. If I never loved, if I could have channeled all that mental, emotional, spiritual attention, energy and power into some other cause, I am certain that I would have achieved something world-class by now.

Anyway, having put in all that time and effort into love, despite the defeat, I don’t want to give up on it. I don’t want to compromise and just go through the shopping-cum-business-transaction of an arranged marriage. That won’t work for me. I want the crazy enthusiasm, blind trust, naïve openness, singing heart and total commitment of love. Only then will I marry. Until I have such a love, I’d rather stay defeated, than just ‘settle’ in life.