Dharma-Patnī

Today, I learnt something amazing. I was re-reading the dialog between Krishna and Uddhava on love and lust. I came across this passage:

'Remember what the Gods did in the days of old,' continued Krishna. 'They had to offer sacred Purusha to make creating possible. Without a sacrificial offering, you cannot create anything,' said Krishna as if speaking to himself. 'If you want a woman, you have to offer something: a present, a house to live in, lifelong protection. But in that way you will only get a woman, her body, her services. The offering however is like sacrificing ghee or barley or a lamb to obtain a place in heaven. If you want a divinity to inspire you to Dharma and multiply your strength a hundredfold, you must offer something vastly greater. Have not the Gods said: 'By the spirit of sacrifice alone shall sacrifice prosper?'

Reading that, led to great epiphany!

The above passage is from a dialog in which Krishna explains to Uddhava, the difference between love and lust. In the above passage, Krishna goes deeper still to discern an ordinary wife from a wife, who is a spiritual partner forever, who is a co-traveller on the road of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa*, who is a true Dharma-Patnī.

Krishna says that an ordinary wife is obtained by offering a present, a house to live in, life long protection. But to get a Dharma-Patnī, one has to offer 'something vastly greater'.

It is impossible to offer something vastly greater to someone barely known, as in an arranged marriage situation. Even in a marriage where the couple have known each other before the wedding and fallen in love, it is extremely rare that they would go through experiences which cause them to make this offer of something vastly greater. In most marriages, such experiences and realizations come much after the wedding, after the couple have gone through many ups and downs together. That is why, the older generations of Indians, who mostly went through arranged marriages, used to say that love is something that happens after marriage.

In an ideal arranged marriage, the groom's family choose a girl who has the potential to become an ideal Dharma-Patnī. Then, the couple go through life together, sharing the pains and pleasures, and hopefully discovering that which would get them to truly commit to something vastly greater.

All my life, I have sought exactly that kind of a Dharma-Patnī, a partnership where we are both committed to something vastly greater than our individual selves, a partnership that would inspire us on the path of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa, and increase our combined strength a hundredfold.

When I found such a person, I was not ready, so I could not make the proper sacrifice. I had to go through a lot of pain, through a purifying fire, to be ready to participate in this sacrifice. Now, by the grace of the Goddess, I am ready to offer that something vastly greater, to participate in this yajña with my Dharma-Patnī.

Unfortunately, my actions of the past have caused her to not be ready now. So, I have to wait for her to have a similar realization, before we can do this yajña together. Hopefully, her realization will come soon and with no pain. Until then, I shall keep myself pure and committed to her.



*Incidentally, there is a reason why dharma (Dharma), artha (wealth), kāma (lust) and mokṣa (liberation) are usually written in that order. The idea is that the pursuit of artha and kāma must always happen within the limiting bounds of dharma and mokṣa!

Avoiding Man Troubles

The following tips are for women who want to avoid troubles with men whom they don't want in their lives. Most women know several men whom they don't want in their lives, with whom they would like interaction to be zero or nil. I hope the following tips, from a man's perspective, will help them avoid troubles with such men.

The post starts with some introductory spiel and theoretical lecture about men and how they feel and think. I urge you to read it. If you don't want to wade through all that blah-blah, and want to get straight to the tips to avoid man troubles, click here.

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The Streets, stories, strategies blog post and the comments on that post reminded me once again of the numerous and diverse strategies and tactics women use to avoid unwarranted attention and action from men. Most women pick up these tricks from their friends and older female relatives / acquaintances. Some of these are learnt through bitter and traumatic personal experience. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be a course or institute to teach these skills and crafts to young girls who are growing up and venturing out into the big bad world. Of course, the fact that it is even necessary for women to know these tactics to protect themselves from the male members of their own species, is highly regrettable.

I am not writing this to share regrets or outrage or any other emotion. My intention is to share the simple and straight facts about the male psyche, in realistic and pragmatic terms. I think the fact that I am just another guy qualifies what I say below as coming straight from the proverbial horse's mouth.

There are times when I am amazed by the naivete among some women about matters concerning men. At other times, I am surprised by some of the opinions and theories that women in general, and feminists in particular, have about men. Given the fact that men and women have been together in the world for as long as they have existed, you would think that they know and understand each other well. Surprisingly, that doesn't seem to be the case. In my opinion, that makes humans one of the stupidest species alive... Only slightly better than the black widow spider's mate, who risks his life in order to copulate.

The purpose of the following material is to help women understand men better. A secondary purpose is to help women to avoid some of the troubles that men might present them with. I hope such understanding will lead to safer and healthier relationships - both romantic and otherwise. As mentioned before, I am being very realistic and pragmatic in what I write below. While writing the truth, I won't pander to any sensitivities or prejudices or social / moral expectations. I am not going to talk about whether something is right or wrong. I won't say how things ought to be. I just present how things simply are. I ask my readers - especially the feminine readers - to read this with an open mind. Remember, our objective here is to understand, not to pass judgments.

Disclaimer: As always, there are exceptions to what I say below. Obviously, all of the following are not true for all the men. And certainly, all of these are not true for me personally either. However, I believe that most of the following are true for the average young active male psyche. Your mileage and experience with a particular male specimen might vary.


The Male Libido

For the most part, the male libido is an involuntary function. Men don't have too much control over what or who will turn them on and who won't. If they feel it, they feel it. That's that. The only way to inhibit such involuntary function is through very deep, consistent conditioning. An example of such conditioning for most of us is to not have sexual feelings towards women who are closely related to us - our sisters, mother, aunts, etc. Other than such conditioning, there is not much a man can do about how he feels towards certain women. It is important to keep this in mind.

Women - especially younger ones - sometimes think that men (whom they don't like) are so wrong for simply feeling something towards them. They think that men have control over such feelings and should therefore regulate what they feel. I am telling you that for the most part, men don't have control over such feelings, and so they can't stop them.

Having said that, I should also mention here that men can and should control what they do about such feelings. They may not be able to do much about what they feel, but they should be able to regulate how they act on such feelings. The feelings may not be voluntary, but actions certainly are. Related read: "Is it my fault that I felt like kissing in the temple?"


The Male Purpose

The most deeply ingrained, instinctive, oldest male purpose is common for human males and countless other species: copulate as often as possible with as many females as possible. This is simply biological programming designed to increase the chances of survival of a species. Everything about a male's body and most things about his mind have evolved over centuries to achieve this goal.

Most things about our social rules and expectations today have evolved precisely in the opposite direction: to prevent a man from having indiscriminate sex with many women. Most people don't stop to consider what a humonguous and remarkable achievement this is. It is an achievement that undoubtedly has women's signature on it. Feminist types love to complain that it is still a man's world out there and that women are not getting what's due to them. Well, I have something to tell them: if society had evolved to purely serve the interests of men, it would be one big orgy party where men would play, drink and have sex as much as they wanted, with whoever they wanted.

Getting voting rights for women? Getting equal status for women? These are not big achievements compared to what women have already achieved in our society: getting a large number of sexually active men to live, walk, work in close proximity to a large number of women, in relative peace, harmony and decency; convincing most men that they should have just one mate at a time, preferably one mate for an entire lifetime. Considering that an average healthy male involuntarily thinks of sex once every few waking minutes or so, and he has several erections a day, and considering that his most deeply programmed instinct is to have sex as often as possible with as many women as possible, this is not a small achievement. It's humonguous and remarkable, alright!

While women did this, men have not been sitting idle. They constantly experience a struggle within themselves - a struggle between their instinctive biological urge and their desire/expectation to experience an ideal monogamous relationship. While this epic battle goes on within their selves everyday, they have come up with some complex, subtle, symbolic, stylized and remarkable ways of demonstrating their own worthiness to mate to the women they are interested in. These include sports, arts, finances, literature, etc. This has helped men explore and evolve other aspects of their personalities, than merely their balls and their strong arms.

This is as it should be. It balances things out between men and women. Any species can indulge in mere copulation with multiple partners. But the human monogamous relationship, enables us to experience more - a whole new range and depth of feelings, challenges, pleasures and pains in relationships, all of which (hopefully) help us live a more enhanced life experience.

To summarize: The male instinct for multiple and frequent sexual experiences is very strong and ingrained. In every man, there is a constant struggle between this biological instinct, and the psycho-social desires/expectations of experiencing an ideal monogamous relationship. Sometimes one instinct wins, sometimes the other does - in the same man, in one lifetime, sometimes even in one day!


The Mixed Signals

When things are simple, communication is simple. For species which just follow their simple biological instincts, signals and communications are simple, unambiguous. When we stop following our instincts, things get a little more complex. Our biology causes our body to behave in a certain way, our mind wants us to do something else. Result: mixed signals. Part of our mind wants to follow the body's needs, part of the mind wants to live as per the socially established norms. Result: mixed signals. Different people/genders want to follow their body's instincts to different extents. Result: mixed signals. Mixed signals lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings.

The mixed signals women give is one of the most frustrating things for men. I don't know if women are aware that they give mixed signals. Women - especially the younger ones - will quite often deny that they are doing so. But the effectiveness of communication is measured by how well the recipient understood it and acted on it. If a guy's understanding of a woman's signals are different from what she expected, the communication was not right somewhere.

Women are notorious for sending mixed signals. Some of the examples include: indulging in 'innocent flirting', trying to be 'just friends', going on dinner / drink / dance dates with men when they have no intention of taking the relationship any further ever, fishing for compliments from men, etc.

Women cannot be blamed for a lot of the mixed signals, though they are certainly guilty in some cases. A lot of times, mixed signals happen due to the complexity resulting from conflicting instincts and desires within the same person, and between the man and the woman.

For women, the most important key to avoiding man troubles, is to avoid sending mixed signals.



Avoiding Man Troubles

Disclaimer 1: Most of what I write below is limited to avoiding trouble with men who are known to women, with whom women have regular and/or frequent interaction. There is not much advice I can offer on avoiding trouble with strangers on streets, buses, trains, etc. except one: physically avoid them as much as possible; avoid being in close proximity to them; avoid drawing their attention. It depends on each individual woman and her circumstances to decide how much of this avoidance is possible, how such avoidance affects her life, etc.

Disclaimer 2: If you look at what is written below in its entirety, it may appear as if I am offering tips for a society which is totally segregated on gender. Not quite! This is just a list of tips for various situations. It is upto each woman to choose and use what is useful for her unique circumstances. I can't imagine any woman or situation needing all of the tips below. I certainly don't encourage any type of gender-based segregation or distance. There is enough of that already in the world.

Disclaimer 3: Several readers seemed to think that I am recommending the usage of the following tips with all men. It is definitely not so. These tips are only for those occasions when there is some guy, who seems to be interested in you, but you want to have nothing to do with him and you want to keep him off. In all other situations, in comfortable platonic relationships and even with neutral strangers, feel free to be your nice and friendly self.

Women can have unwanted trouble with men in all kinds of situations - with strange men as well as with familiar ones, on the street, in the work place, at home, in social situations, etc. Almost any place where men and women interact, there is potential for trouble. Most of these troubles can be avoided with some simple, pragmatic measures. One of the biggest reasons for trouble is sending mixed signals. A lot of the tips I offer below are designed to reduce or eliminate mixed signals.

• Physical space and physical contact: Always be aware of the physical space between you and the undesired man, and keep a respectful distance. Avoid physical contact, if possible. Physical space and physical contact depend to a large extent on cultures. For example, in some cultures, a casual hug between a man and woman is not a big deal, where as in other cultures, there is no concept of a casual hug. So, be aware of your cultural context, keep the appropriate distance. Watch out for men who use the cultural difference to 'innocently' touch you (Shilpa Shetty & Richard Gere kissing controversy). Anytime there is accidental contact, apologize and draw back at once. This advice is easy to follow with strangers or acquaintances or even colleagues. But it is with friends that you should really tap into your feminine instincts and judgment: "When I touch this male friend's arm casually in the course of a conversation, is it a friendly touch or will he consider it as a woman's sensual touch?" You are the best person to judge.


• Sharing a roof: This is another aspect of sharing the physical space with a man. Sometimes, you may end up sharing a roof with a man - as roommates or when staying over at a friend / relative's home. Needless to say, if you are not comfortable with a man and want to avoid him, don't stay in the same house as him. Not even for one night. When you do share the house with a man, it is even more important to be aware of the physical space. Absolutely do not share a bedroom, let alone a bed, unless you want to go all the way with the guy. Get a room with a secure bolt/lock, and close the door securely when you sleep or change. Try to have your own bathroom too, if possible. Avoid one-man-one-woman type of a living situation, if you can. It helps to have more roommates, at least one other girl in the house apart from you. Unless you are really brave and confident of handling the guys, don't end up in situations where there's more than one guy in the house and you are the sole girl, not even if one of the guys is your boyfriend or partner. It is worth repeating again what I said earlier: if you want to avoid troubles with a man, don't stay in the same house as him.


• Dinner, drinks and dancing: In the modern world, dinner, drinks and dancing have become formal aspects of the courting/mating ritual. Unless you are open to possibilities with a guy, don't go out for dinner or drinks or dancing with him. Do not use a guy to buy you drinks and dinner, unless you are willing to put out for him. Even if the guy is a close friend, avoid these things... you'll have man trouble with a close friend, which are pretty bad things to go through. In fact, if you are not interested in a guy, you should avoid meeting him alone, if at all possible.


• Meeting alone: If you are not interested in a guy, try not to meet him alone as much as possible. Sometimes meeting alone cannot be avoided. Nevertheless, there are many precautions you can take. Keep the meeting short and on topic. Avoid meeting alone in personal places like his or your home. Meet in public. If it's to be a meeting with a colleague or client have it in the office or conference room, rather than in a social setting such as a restaurant, if it's a guy you want to avoid. Do not have one-on-one meetings with colleagues or clients during your personal time. Meet during the day, rather than in the evening or night. This is another tip which needs to be used with extra judiciousness with male 'friends'.


• Being friends with men: Talking of male friends, know that it is not easy for men to be friends with women. Remember that men's most basic instinct is to mate with you. Men may be interesting and fun company to hang out with, they may give you great advice, they may have an awesome sense of humor, they may be of much help to you - all the qualities you like in a good friend. But their strongest basic instinct prevents most men from being ideal friendship material. There is a popular saying among those who believe that friendship between men and women is simply not possible: "A male friend is a guy who does not know how to close". The "close" usually refers to: sexual consummation or to "fuck or fly" (have sex or break off the relationship and go away) or to "fuck and fly" (have sex and then break off the relationship). I know it sucks for many women that men can't be "just friends", but that is how it is. Now, I won't say that men and women should not be friends. But if a woman wants to be friends with a man, she should be very aware of the men's basic instinct at all times, be extra careful not to send mixed signals at any time, always be consistent in her behavior with him, not encourage any behavior or approach which is over-friendly or more than friendly, and basically follow all the tips in this section. Just don't let the guy think at any time that he might have a chance with you. And, if he does not play by the rules of friendship and tries to get too close, break off the friendship. Believe me, breaking off the friendship is much less painful than dealing with man troubles from someone you considered a friend. Just break it off. And for god's sake do not use him as an intellectual whore.


• Intellectual whores: Do not use men as intellectual whores. You don't like it if men treat you as a physical whore, if they use you for only physical pleasure and then leave, if they don't show you proper emotional respect and value. So, why do you think men would like it if you used them for only your intellectual pleasure: their smart conversation, fun company, sane advice, timely help? This happens too often. I think, women use men intellectually more often than men use women for physical pleasure. Intellectual (and even physical) whoring might be okay if both the people want only that and nothing more. But that's not often the case. As I have said countless times already, a man's basic instinct is to have sex. Most guys who allow themselves to become your intellectual toy, are doing so with the hope that they will get a piece of your ass in return. Or your love. Or both. Believe me, it's as hurtful and bad when a woman treats a man as an intellectual whore, as it is when a man treats a woman as a physical whore. Don't do it. Men may be bad in a lot of ways, but they don't deserve to be used any more than you do. The only exception to this are cases where both people want the same thing - physical or intellectual give-and-take.


• Innocent flirting: Now, there are many instances when women think that they are not using a man or anything of the sort, they are just flirting innocently. Well, for starters, there is no such thing as innocent flirting. All flirting is mental foreplay. Now, as a woman, you might be quite content with limiting yourself to the mental realms, but a man is not. A man always wants more. When you flirt with a man, he reads it as a signal of interest to get physical with him. Even in the rare situations when he does not read it as such, even in situations where you make it abundantly clear that you are only being funny and having mental fun, the man cannot control his feelings. Remember what I said earlier about his feelings being involuntary? A flirting woman is a siren call to a man's libido. So, unless you are really interested in a man and there is a possibility of things going further, don't flirt with him. And, don't let him flirt with you. Men's egos can be blind. For most men, your flirting with him is almost right up there with simply letting him flirt with you. If you just let him flirt without flirting back, he will think that you like his flirting and you like him! He will also think that you are just being coy or shy, and he will flirt more, trying even harder to get you to react to him. So, if you are not interested in the man, put an end to flirting, from both sides, period.


• Seeking attention / affirmation: Sometimes women flirt, not for the fun of it, but because they are seeking attention or affirmation of their feminity. If they are not getting enough attention from their regular partners or even if they are getting the attention, but they are simply bored with it, they will seek it elsewhere. For women (and for men), compliments or attention from someone who is not their partner or who does not love them or who is not familiar to them, always has more weight. Now, it might be okay to seek or get this once in a while. But if you are doing this constantly, there is something wrong with your relationship and you should take care of that first. And, if you are doing this constantly with one guy, you are giving him signals that you are interested in him. So, unless you are really interested in him and you are willing to do something about it, don't fish for compliments or seek attention from a man. Doing so is a sure-fire way of attracting some massive man trouble. This also goes for giving him attention and compliments. This too is alright once in a while. But don't over-do it. In fact, if you really want to avoid a man, don't even laugh at his jokes!


• Laughing at a man's jokes: A lot of people don't know this, but humor is one of the most effective courting tools. It is far easier to win someone's attention and affection with humor, than with any amount of intense and sincere declarations of love and passion. So, men do often use humor as a fishing hook with women. And humor is also one of the most effectively disguised tactics. Most women don't notice it. It flies right under their radar, they laugh and laugh at the guy's jokes and before they know it, they have a man on their hands. Yeah! What I just said might seem like too much of an exaggeration, right? Surely, laughing at someone's joke can't be so bad. If you don't believe me, read this: Laughter paves the way for romance. Convinced? Now, it may seem too restrictive to suggest that you not laugh at a man's jokes, and I am not suggesting that. Go ahead, laugh at a man's jokes. Just be aware of the possible effects and consequences. And more importantly, if you want to avoid a man or don't like him, just don't laugh at his jokes. He will get the signal. It's as simple as that.


• Being a cocktease: Having talked of using a man intellectually, flirting, seeking attention, giving attention and laughing at a man's jokes, how can we not mention a cocktease? These are all typical tools of the trade for the cocktease. All I can tell a woman on this subject: Don't be a cocktease. If you are, you deserve every bit of man trouble that comes your way. Cuz, you are asking for it!


• Relationship line crossing: One of the most common ways for most relationships to start is by crossing the lines of one relationship to another. A classmate crosses over to become a date, a friend crosses over to become a partner, a colleague crosses over... let's not go there! Crossing relationship lines is not bad in itself. But if you don't want to get in trouble with a man, it helps to be aware of the lines which define the relationship and not let him cross it. Men are instinctively programmed to cross lines - they have been crossing all sorts of lines for centuries, creating all kinds of problems. They do so in relationships also, always pushing, pushing, pushing to see how far they can go. If you don't want to have troubles with a man, just put an end to all pushing, decisively and effectively the first time he tries it. Simply don't let it happen. Noticing when he is trying to cross the line may not be very easy - many times it's disguised. Even more difficult to watch out for are the times when you might inadvertently cross the line sending the wrong signal. The most difficult to detect and stop is the crossing of relationship lines when a relationship ends. Suppose two people who were dating, decide to break it off. When they do that, they draw a line, a boundary, which neither person should ever cross. But in such situations, both people frequently cross the lines, causing confusions, mixed signals, and much hurt. Unless both of them want to give each other a second chance, they should be very careful not to cross any lines themselves or let the other person cross the lines. Post-breakup is the worst for mixed signals. And, mixed signals are so easy to give - sometimes a wrong signal could be sent merely by the clothes you wear!


• Dressing with a purpose: This is so basic and something I should not have to tell women. But unfortunately, a lot of women can get this wrong. Just remember that it is not only important to look attractive in what you wear, it is also important to have a purpose to what you wear. Sure, you might look very attractive in a top which shows a lot of cleavage, but what is the purpose of wearing it to work? Do you really want to distract your male colleagues? Always be conscious of where you are going and what type of dress will be appropriate for the place and occasion. This is especially important if you are going to meet a guy alone - the way you dress sends very strong signals, even if he does not read them consciously, his instinctive libido will.

Those are the tips I could think of this morning. If I come up with more, I will update this post.

These tips are based on common-sense and my perceptions as a guy. They are based on how I feel guys think and behave, and how women can end up giving us mixed signals. The above tips will avoid your giving out mixed signals to guys and having some unwanted man trouble on your hands. I hope that you can choose them appropriately for your situation and use them effectively.

Now, if you are really looking for a man or trouble (is there a difference? :-)), by all means go ahead and good luck to you!

Master Bedroom

I slept in the master bedroom of my house for the first time last night.

When I moved into this new house in June 2006, I had my old bed moved to the second bedroom. I wanted to get a new bedroom set for the master bedroom, and that would take time. So, I ended up sleeping in the second bedroom all these days.

Last night, I moved to the master bedroom. I had to sleep on a sleeping bag. I have ordered the new bedroom set. It's not here yet. But I decided to make the move anyway.

My old bed has a lot of baggage, pain and trauma associated with it. It feels appropriate to leave it behind while I make a fresh, clean start in my personal life.

It felt a little weird trying to sleep in the master bedroom last night. I felt nostalgic for my past. This is the passing of an era, a phase in my life, so to speak. I felt like running back to my old bed... at least until the new master bedroom set arrived. But I just shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep on the sleeping bag. It was not a bad sleep.

Why should e-filing of US taxes cost more?

Yesterday, about six weeks after I filed my taxes by mail, I got a letter from the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) asking me to send them a couple of additional forms. These are forms which I had already sent with my original filing. The letter from IRS stated that:

The delay that has resulted from this request for additional information may have been avoided if you had electronically filed your tax return.

The implication here is that the additional forms I sent were lost in the paper shuffling process, something that would not have happened if I had filed electronically.

Well, I would be glad to file electronically. In fact, if something can be done electronically, rather than using paper, I make sure that I don't use the paper. There is a reason why I didn't file my taxes electronically: the US government, in all its wisdom, has decided that filing electronically should cost a whole lot more than filing with paper!

If you file your taxes through TurboTax software, filing electronically costs $34 for federal and state taxes combined. In contrast, filing by paper cost me only 78 cents postage! These costs are in addition to the cost of the TurboTax software itself - which is almost $40.

Now, why should e-filing cost more for the tax payer? Especially when it costs the government less to process electronic filings: $2.65 to process paper filings versus 29 cents for e-filings! Given this fact, you would think that the government would encourage people to e-file, giving them every incentive to do so. Instead, it allows corporations like TurboTax and H&R Block to charge exorbitant fees for e-filing.

This is a classic story of governmental screw-up, in conjunction with corporate greed. You see, the big accounting corporates persuaded the government not to allow direct e-filing by all the taxpayers, so that these corporates could e-file on our behalf and charge us exorbitant fees... ostensibly to maintain and operate the e-filing infrastructure! Disgusting!

Related article in the New York Times.

Contacts Management System

Email and electronic address-books have been around for decades now. So, I am quite surprised that we still don't have a truly functional contacts management system (CMS), which uses the full power of the Internet.

A well-implemented contact management system should eliminate the need for us to ever remember anybody's phone number or weirdly-spelled email address. We should be able to contact people just by looking up their name. It should also eliminate the need for us to ever enter anybody's contact information into our address-books. The information would be automatically available to us, provided the person wants to share it with us.

There is a huge market of users waiting for anybody who implements a good contacts management system. This is truly a big untapped opportunity. I am surprised that nobody has already done this yet.

Here are five most important features that a good modern contacts management system should have:

1. The CMS should be a web-based database, built on a data-sharing model and it would be search-able. The web-based nature of the system should allow it to be accessible from any browser, running on any device. The data-sharing model would allow you to instantly share your contact information with others, instead of them having to get it from you and add it manually into their address-books.

2. The CMS should define a standard for storing, retrieving and updating contacts information so that it can be accessed using any application, on any device, which needs address-book functionality. Imagine being able to use a single address-book on all your email clients (Outlook, Thunderbird, etc.), all your web-based email systems (Gmail, Yahoo, etc.), on your mobile phone, home phone and any other place where you need an address-book. Imagine buying a new cell phone, logging into the CMS system using the phone and all your contacts being immediately available in the new phone, without your having to add them individually or import them from your old phone!

3. The CMS should not only be available online, it should also be download-able to the device or application of your choice. Further, the downloaded copy should have two-way synchronization with the online copy. Imagine being able to add or update information into the address-book on your phone, and the same update being propagated to all the copies of your address-book on all your devices and email systems.

4. Strictly speaking, there should be no need for you to update or add the contact details of any other person. You should only need to update your own contact information, and everybody else updates only their own information. The CMS gives everyone the ability to share their personal contact information with all the people who matter to them. Further, it also gives you flexibility on what pieces of information you want to share with whom. For example, you can define groups such as 'friends', 'family', 'colleagues' in your CMS. Then, you can choose to share your home phone number and home address only with 'family', your personal email address and mobile phone number with 'friends', your office phone number and business address with 'colleagues', and so on. You should even be able to choose what pieces of information you want to share with specific individuals - not just groups. Imagine not having to add all the contact details of your hundred or more friends, into your address-book. Imagine not having to ever give anybody your business card - all you do is add them to the 'business contacts' group in your CMS, and they will instantly have access to your contact information on their own address-books!

5. The CMS should give you the ability to 'push' your contact information updates out to people of your choosing. Suppose, you get a new phone number. Today, you have to email your new phone number to all your friends and family, and each person has to manually update their address-books. With the CMS, all you'd do is update your phone number just once on the CMS and then click a button to 'push' or propagate this new number to all the people who have your old number in their address-books. You should even be able to choose not to 'push' the update to certain people. And people who receive your updates would have the ability to accept or reject it. This way, your latest contact information is always available to people with whom you want to share it. Nobody ends up with out-of-date information because somebody inadvertently forgot to keep them updated with changed phone numbers or addresses.

Needless to say, a CMS with all the above features would become a massive global directory. More importantly, it would also have information about how people are networked, their relationships, etc. Imagine the potential! Whoever develops such a system could become a billionaire!

Three Touching Love Stories

Last weekend, when sitting and drinking with friends, I came across three amazing and touching love stories. All three are real stories. I hope to god that the characters involved do not mind my retelling those stories here. I am doing this with the best intentions of sharing something that truly touched me. Not to pass judgment or made adverse comments about anybody. So, help me god.

Respect for Love

The first story is almost straight out of the movie Kaadhalukku Mariyaadai, but without the happy ending. The title literally means, "Respect for Love". The guy - we shall call him Mr A - has known the girl for almost 10 years, since his college days. They have been together as gf-bf (girlfriend-boyfriend) for almost 8 years. They had committed to spend their entire lives together. But there was a problem - they were both from different religions, and for this reason alone, their relationship was totally unacceptable to both sets of parents. They tried a lot to convince the parents, to no avail. Now, Mr A and his gf had two choices:

1. Bow down to their parents' wishes and break off their relationship.
2. Ignore their parents feelings and get married anyway.

A couple of months or so ago, Mr A went to India, hoping to convince both sets of parents and get married to his gf. He is back now, and he tells me that his gf and him have chosen option 1. They have decided to break their relationship, and not get married to each other.

I can't believe it. I don't understand why they would do that. Clearly, the parents were being old-fashioned and illogical. This is no reason to break a truly loving relationship. How could any parents be so cruel to such young, idealistic love? Moreover, in every case that I have seen of people getting married against their parents' wishes, the parents eventually come round to accepting the relationship... a few months or years after the wedding. That is almost surely bound to happen with Mr A and his gf's parents also. So, they should not break the relationship. They should get married, regardless of what their parents thought. That was my thinking.

Mr A thought differently. He says that their parents might eventually accept their relationship outwardly, in appearance, in the presence of their kids. But privately, they would never fully accept it. He has seen his parents' friends, whose children have married against their wishes. Outwardly they seem to accept their children's decisions, but in the private company of close friends, they regret, grieve and cry over it. He says he does not want his parents to go through such an experience themselves, to spend their whole life never accepting his decision and grieving privately.

I was so amazed and touched by his way of thinking. I'd myself have never thought that way. I'd never have let anyone come in the way of my true love and myself, no matter what the cost. But then, I say that because I know how tough and painful it is to find true love, to find that one person with whom you want to spend all your life, and who feels the same way towards you. I know how hurtful it is to go through a lifetime of hits and misses. Perhaps, Mr A has not had such experiences, and so he is able to give up his dreams of spending a lifetime with his love.

Whatever the case may be, there is no denying the fact that Mr A has shown great maturity at such a young age (28 years), so much respect and consideration for his parents' love and feelings... more respect and consideration, in fact, than they have shown for his love and feelings.

Commitment for Love

The second story is of Mr B. He is married. He did not have a love marriage. His was an arranged marriage. He was introduced to his wife and got to know her over a couple of months of phone, email and chat conversations, while he worked in the US and she lived in India. Having not known her in person at all, he went to India, got married to her and brought her back with him. He tells me that it took fully two years for his wife and himself to reach a certain state of steady compatibility in their relationship. Those two years were a period of much puzzlement, pain and frustration. He desperately asked himself, "Why me?"

Indeed, why him? I know him as one of the most reasonable, easy-going and flexible people. He does not normally get into petty issues or ego clashes with people. I just cannot imagine him having conflicts with anybody, let alone with a woman, and that too his own wife. This is not to imply that one or the other person should be blamed for the conflicts. For whatever reasons to which we are not privy, conflicts happen. I know that between couples who are close together, it is often not possible to blame one or the other person. Their very closeness becomes an infinite feedback loop which can blow-up small differences into big conflicts, and with everyone losing track of where it all began.

Mr B went through all the conflicts and pains with commitment and tenacity, to reach a steady state at the end of two years. He mentioned talking about his problems with his dad and asking why things should be this way. His dad told him, "My son, this is life!"

Such a simple statement. But it amazed and touch me. For, there is so much meaning in it.

There are two ways of living:

1. There is the materialistic, consumerist way. Here, a person is constantly on the look-out to replace what s/he already has, with something better (a newer and better model of car, for example), and to constantly add more things into her/his life (the latest gadgets, anybody?). S/he is never fully content with what s/he has and thinks the way to happiness is to get newer, better and more things.
2. The other way is to accumulate a certain level of essential and important things, and after that, concentrating on living and experiencing life. Here, the person finds contentment and happiness in what s/he has achieved. S/he seeks fuller, deeper and more meaningful experiences, instead of a never-ending pursuit of discontent.

I think that when Mr B's dad said, "My son, this is life", he was alluding to the second manner of living above. A relationship is not something to be sought and exchanged and accumulated over and over again like material things. No. That is a bad way of going about a relationship. The right way is to find somebody who matches our basic, most important expectations and principles, and then commit to them and experience life in that commitment, come what may. This is what our parents, their parents and our culture teaches us. We don't give up on a relationship or on the most important person in our lives, in the face of difficulties. No. We remain committed and devoted to each other, and we navigate the storms together. We discover and experience more of each other, we let our relationship and love grow stronger. This is what Mr B is doing. This is the profound learning I get from his life and his father's words passed on to me second-hand.

Honor and Healing for Love

The third story, that of Mr C, is as foolish as it is touching. Mr C was on the lookout for true love all his life. He set out on his path with much hopes, dreams and idealism. I have seen people similarly setout to make money and to become successful in life. I have seen how sometimes, in their quest to make more and more money, they cross the line between right and wrong. They fool and deceive themselves, thinking it is just a small step across the line, not too far away from the right side. Or, thinking that it is just a temporary step and they will be back on the right side pretty soon. Eventually, they lose sight of the line, lose their honor and idealism. Worse, such a path never really pays back, and they end up losing more than they ever gained. Something similar happened to Mr C on his quest for true love. He crossed the line one too many times and lost his soul, and he did not even know it.

So, when Mr C did eventually run into his true love, he was not ready at all. Oh, he recognized her as his true love alright. And, he thought he was ready for her and for true love to fill his heart and life. But he was not ready at all. He had been more ready in his younger days, when he was naive, than he was when he met her, after all his experiences. The result was disastrous. He had lost the faith, idealism, generosity and wonder which are needed to nurture and grow love. Instead, he had selfishness, fear, calculative mindset and something he termed as 'practicality' - all of which would harm love, as surely as weed-killer sprayed on a young hibiscus bush.

So, Mr C was not able to please, honor and cherish the love of his life like he should have. Instead, he hurt her, insulted her, harmed her. He rebuffed her sweet, youthful advances, denied her naive requests, disrespected her feelings. He lied and he cheated. He broke her heart and shattered her mind. He hurt her health and life. The love and passion which had started to rise in her heart like a young Sun was eclipsed by his darkness. She lost the respect and honor she had for him. The infinite feedback loop of love ensured that all that hurt and darkness that flowed from him to her, came right back to him, bringing darkness to his heart and life too.

Now, after all the damage has been done, Mr C realizes his foolishness and his blunders. He knows that he tried to give up the path of true love, in favor of the path of ease and comfort, and that was a big mistake. He has learnt how he lost his honor and soul. He regrets kicking away the love of his life and causing great hurt. He has resolved to do things right, no matter how tough and hurtful it is. He is not willing to accept any other easy paths in life. In fact, he is unable to accept other paths, despite having the choice and opportunity to do so. He has committed himself to the path of true love. But how to heal such deep hurt? How to bring back honor which was lost so badly? How to help the Sun of love and passion rise bright and strong? He does not know. Nor do I know what to tell him - except to let go, and let love.

1960s & 1980s in 2007

Heard this 1960s song in a 1980s movie (The Big Chill) today:

When a man loves a woman by Percy Sludge



When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For a good thing he's found
If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
Turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
Trying to hold on to what he needs
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way
It ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got (yeah)
Trying to hold on
To your precious love
Baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery
If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby, baby
I am a man
When a man loves a woman.

More at Songfacts.

Yoga Nidra

The story of Sati is a touching episode in the life of Shiva.

Shiva used to be a wild god who preferred roaming the woods and mountains, and living in cemeteries. He was a bachelor and he did as he pleased with no regard for form or factor. At times, he would go into a deep meditation for years on end, and other times he would go into a high trance smoking ganja with his wild followers. He smeared his body with the ash from the cemetry and danced naked.

The gods were concerned about Shiva's wild ways. They were also concerned, that he being such a great god, set a bad example to the rest of the world. They thought that he needed to be tamed and the best way to do that would be to get him married. Now, who better to tame Shiva than the great Mother Goddess? They approached and pleaded with her, and she agreed to their request.

The Mother Goddess was born as Uma, the daughter of Daksha, who was the chief Prajapati. As Uma, she managed to impress and win over Shiva. However, Daksha did not approve of her choice of a husband and was quite opposed to the alliance. Uma went against her father's preference and married Shiva. As it turned out, it was a highly successful relationship. Shiva and Uma formed a great pair together, living happily, enjoying the mutual pleasures, support and contentment of marital life.

One day, Uma heard that her father was organizing a great yajna, a sacrifice, to which he had invited all the important people in the Universe. However, he had not invited Uma and Shiva, his daughter and son-in-law. Uma was very disturbed to hear that, where as Shiva, the great Yogi and renunciate, was merely amused. Uma felt that perhaps, her father had forgotten to invite them. she thought that as a daughter, she had the right to attend the yajna without being invited. shiva advised her against that, but she insisted until Shiva relented and sent her off by herself.

At the yajna, Uma discovered that her father did not welcome her with warmth. Moreover, he did not plan on making any offering in the yajna to Shiva, the greatest god of all, where as he offered much to all the other gods. This angered Uma and she questioned her father. Daksha's responses were very disrespectful and insulting to Shiva. This hurt Uma deeply. Not being able to bear the humiliation of her husband in front of the entire Universe, Uma killed herself by an act of spontaneous combustion.

On hearing the news of Uma's death, Shiva was infinitely angered. He pulled out a handful of his dreadlocks, and used them to created two fierce and fearsome beings called Veerabhadra and Bhadrakaali. Those two, along with hordes of Shiva's wild followers, attacked Daksha's house, beating away all the gods. Veerabhadra cut off Daksha's head and offered it in the fire of the yajna. Later on, Shiva restored Daksha to life by joining his body to a goat's head.

What happened next is very touching. Shiva's infinite anger was followed by infinite pain and he goes insane. He roams the world carrying Uma's corpse, hugging her to his body as his Sati, the forever companion. When Shiva's frenzy increases to the point of destroying the cosmic balance, Vishnu destroys Sati's body with his Sudarshana chakra.

And then, Shiva slips into infinite grief. He is not able to do anything, not even move. He slips into a deep meditative trance, called the yoga nidra. Shiva's yoga nidra lasts for centuries, while the Universe changes all around him. Forces of evil grow powerful and gain control of the world. Everybody suffers. It appears that Shiva's grief-stricken samadhi will last forever.

***

I don't understand why Uma had to kill herself. She was angry. She was humiliated. But was it really necessary to kill herself? To destroy the happy marriage she had with Shiva? To cause him to lose his beloved Sati? To go away and give him infinite pain and grief? Shiva would have gladly accepted her and kept her happy forever, if she left her father's house and gone back to him. What was the need to break up their sweet married life? I don't understand.

But I understand Shiva. I understand overwhelming grief and pain. I understand not being able to do anything, not being able to eat or drink, not being able to accomplish the day's tasks. I understand not wanting to see anybody or say anything. I understand how all the will and desire to live can flow out. I understand how there can be no purpose or meaning to anything more in life. All he was left with was to slip into a yoga nidra that seemed to last forever. I wish I could too.

blog.libranlover.net

This blog has a new address: http://blog.libranlover.net. Woo-hoo!

You don't have to be in a rush to update your bookmarks or feed subscriptions. The old blogspot address still works and will auto-forward to this new address.

If you find something broken on the site - like pictures not displaying right, for example - please let me know.

And oh, if you would like a new customized address for your blog or website, do drop me a line. I know this place which gives you about 33% off the typical domain registration price plus private registration for FREE!

Google Lucky

A webpage is said to be Google Lucky if it shows up when you enter a phrase in the Google search engine and click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

A person is said to be Google Lucky if the person's homepage shows up when you enter the person's name in the Google search engine and click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button.

I am Google Lucky for the search phrase, "libran lover". When you enter it in the Google search engine and click on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, you come straight to the homepage of this blog.

Apart from the homepage, this blog has at least two other Google Lucky pages. There may be more that I am not aware of. Click the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button for the search phrase, "dating Indian men", and you are presented with this page: Dating Indian Men I. Do the same for the phrase, "innocent flirting", and you get this page: Innocent Flirting or Mental Foreplay?

The above two Google Lucky pages on this blog are examples of making it to the top of the Google results based on the strength of the content. I did not consciously incorporate any Search Engine Optimization (popularly known as SEO) techniques into those pages.

Let me know if you discover more Google Lucky pages on this blog.

Oh, by the way, I came up with the phrase, "Google Lucky", on my own today. However, googling for that phrase, I did discover that other people have been using it before me. Now, let's see, if this particular blog post can get Google Lucky for the phrase, "Google Lucky".

Update on 7-May-2007: Found a couple more Google Lucky pages on this blog.

• "Causes of eve teasing" will take you to this page: Root Cause of Eve Teasing in India.


• "Som Mittal" will take you to Corporate Reaction to a Rape. I guess you could say that Som is Google Unlucky because that page is not his homepage, and it is certainly not flattering to him. Imagine his clients searching for him on Google, and this page coming up as the top result! It's a sobering reminder of how powerful a mere individual's webpage can be on the Internet.

Universal Time

My previous post on Timing of Love has inspired this post.

What I am about to post is extremely profound knowledge. Many people go through entire lifetimes without ever realizing or understanding this. Even among people who realize or understand this, there are very few who actually put this information to any use. And among those who put it to any use, there are extremely few (one in millions or billions of people) who puts it to consistent use. This is literally the most open secret of the ages.

1. When you feel that you are just "not getting the timing right", that is the most obvious sign that you are not in alignment with Universal Time.


2. Universal Time is the timing of the Universe itself, it is the Universal Rhythm. Every single thing in the Universe takes place exactly in Universal Time. Never sooner. Never later. Never faster. Never slower. And absolutely never against the Universal Time.


3. Universal Time is not a fate or destiny which does not give you a choice. It is not something over which you have no influence. You are part of the Universe. So, you are one of the many infinite factors which determine and influence Universal Time. You can most definitely influence it. You do most definitely influence it - whether you know it or not, whether you want it or not.


4. How much of an influence you have over Universal Time is determined by how big or powerful a person you are in Universal terms. "Big and powerful" is not always measured by physical strength or material riches or political power, although these factors are indeed part of the many criteria.


5. Getting the timing right is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, key to success. Getting the timing right simply means being in alignment with Universal Time.


6. The more in alignment you are with Universal Time, the more successful and powerful you are. Consequently, the greater influence you can have on Universal Time.


7. The greater influence you have on Universal Time, the less need you will have to actually exercise that influence. That is because you will already be in alignment with the Universal Time, and so, things will already be automatically going your way without any special effort on your part.


8. The best way to be in alignment with Universal Time is to meditate.


9. The pinnacle of being in alignment with Universal Time is to know and experience that there is no Universe or Time outside of you, separate from you.

Google Reader

If there are websites you like to check out frequently, and you visit each of them individually to look for new content, then you are wayyy behind the times. You are just not doing it right!

Recently, I gave a small presentation about RSS at my office, and here's what I had to say:

Imagine that when your friends want to send you an email, they compose the email and then keep it in their own mail box. They don't send it to your mail box. Then, when you want to check your emails, imagine that you have to visit each of your friend's mail boxes to see if they have left any mails for you. That's just a very inefficient and backwards way of doing things, isn't it? Yet, this is exactly how we access information on the Internet. We go to different websites individually, and check if there is information there which might be of interest to us.

This is where RSS technology and RSS Readers come into the picture. Google calls its RSS Reader, "Your inbox to the web." It literally is. I have been using Google Reader for the past few months, and I am absolutely hooked. It helps me go through a lot of content very quickly. Of course, I give more time and attention to some content, than to others. Nevertheless, the amount of information I eyeball in a short period of time is just insane. I could never peruse so much information without my favorite Reader.

To subscribe to this blog's feed and open Google Reader at the same time, click here.

Here's a previous post on this blog about RSS: Web Feeds and Feed Readers.

Here's a a 10-minute video tutorial on using Google Reader (but seriously you could learn how to use it in lesser time on your own!):

Marketplace of love

Right now, there is someone who has access to me 24X7, unless I absolutely cannot help it. I am always just a message away for her. I respond to every message or mail from her. I will pick up her call at any time, and call her back if she wants me to. I step out of meetings to talk to her. I think of her in meetings and cannot concentrate on the task at hand. I enjoy doing things for her, and just wait for an opportunity. I'd even fly half-way or full-way around the world for her.

Right now, there are also people who don't get an email response from me for a few days or even weeks. There are people who are not able to talk to me on the phone despite repeated attempts on their part. There are people who'd just love it if I gave them time and attention, but I just seem to be too busy doing other stuff. There are people (my family, for example) who don't hear from me for days, weeks, months even. It's not that I don't want to do these things, I do. It's not that I don't like these people, I like them. It's just that I "don't have enough time"!

The irony is that the person to whom I am available now, is not too keen on me. The bigger irony is that just a few months ago, she would have been very happy if I had given her my time and attention. At that time, I "did not have enough time". I deeply regret "not having enough time" then. And, I will probably regret not having enough time now for people who'd like it now.

Love is more of a marketplace than we think. Greater the supply, lesser the demand.

Suppressing the Web? Try again!

Google Blogoscoped blog reports on a Digg Users Revolt:

The company that tried to suppress mentions of “09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0” now achieved the exact opposite: this particular key is now spread all over the web in a multitude of ways, including being sold on t-shirts, registered as domains, promoted in mockup graphics, and sent via ecards.

Companies should be really careful before they try to suppress the Web... or an individual on the Web.

He/She Ratio

Philipp Lenssen of the Google Blogoscoped blog has created a tool to find the He/She ratio of a site. The He/She ratio of a site is the ratio of the number of pages of the site containing the word 'he' to the number of pages with the word 'she'.

Here's the He/She ratio for this blog. Clearly, there's a lot of talk about women around here!