Posted on February 20, 2004 20:58 PM EST
We definitely live in a sexist world. I was listening to the radio this afternoon. Advertisement for some bar or pub. Ladies get in free all night and special drinks prices for ladies only! Cover charge for guys after 10 PM!
Imagine how much trouble the pub would have had from feminists and other groups, if it did the opposite - charge extra for ladies. Not to mention the fact that it would run out of business because of boycott by the ladies.
The word sexist is usually used and get lot of attention in situations where women are at a disadvantage. In all other situations - be it something as simple as a gentleman opening a door for a lady to something like doors in many places and stages of life opening magically for a lady (especially if she is pretty) - sexist behavior or discrimination is hardly mentioned.
Most pretty ladies probably go through their entire lives without knowing how difficult some simple things can be for the rest of us. Whether it is getting work done at a government office or influencing a bunch of people to go with a certain plan for a holiday activity or enlisting someone's help for anything, on a typical day, things just happen for them. I don't envy their ease or the many unwanted attentions and advances they have to endure. But I do wish that the stupid obstacles would not come up in the path of hairy beasts like yours truly... especially in places like government offices.
Bottomline is, as long as there are different sexes in the world, sexist behavior and discrimination will exist. It is ok. It is ok as long as it benefits people. It is not ok if it harms them. It is ok if a pretty girl breezes through the process of getting a driver's license. It is not ok if the lecherous government official held up my processing just because he did not like my face. It is okay if my grandmother feeds me a couple more idlis than I want because she believes I should grow up into a strong boy. It is not okay if she feeds my sister a couple less idlis than she wants just because she is a girl.
We are different genders. Let us accept the fact. Let us accept the countless things - big and small - that make us different. Let us celebrate the differences. Let us accept the positive consequences of those differences. And let us address the negative behavior and practices with empathy and open mind and love. Let us have the love to accept certain things that cannot be changed. Above all, let us not forget that, as the yin-yang symbol shows, there is a little bit of the other gender in all of us.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Reminder to Self
Posted on February 19, 2004 22:3 PM EST
Reminder to Self: Don't pine in vain over an Indian woman.
Reminder to Self: Don't pine in vain over an Indian woman.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
The Dance of Two and One
Posted on February 18, 2004 19:21 PM EST
I once had this friend complain to me about how guys are so nice and caring in the wooing stage, and how once they get the girl and are in a relationship, they become selfish and bother only about their own needs. Following is the letter I wrote to her.
The Dance of Two and One
Hello P,
The day after I talked to you in mid-July, I was thinking about the various things you’d said concerning guys and selfishness, and I came up with a good analogy. I find it so good that, I can’t resist sharing it with you. Hence this letter.
Well, the analogy is that of a dance, an intensely physical activity. Though this analogy is physical, know that it can be scaled up and down to other levels of a relationship – mental, emotional, spiritual; in fact, to the whole relationship itself. I am limiting myself here to the guy-girl relationship. May be we could apply it with/without some modification to guy-guy and girl-girl relationships too.
Now, where do I start? Okay, I personally don’t know if it’s true, but it’s generally considered that the natural instinct of the feminine body is to submit, to get down and under, to give in, to be uh, soft and warm, and the natural instinct of the male body is to dominate, to get on and on top, to take, to be hard and hot. Even if it’s not true, whether we agree or not, we have enough people behaving as if it’s true!
When a feminine body and a masculine one come close together, it’s like two dancers coming together on the dance floor. However, when these two bodies come close, the instinct that I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraph takes over. Whatever the reasons for this could be – be it the sheer physical proximity, or be it the years of mental conditioning, or something else, the two people end up indulging in what I call the Dance of One. It’s a dance in which the two bodies come together to become one, to move and feel and act and enjoy as one.
I refuse to believe that a girl and a guy come together only to dance the dance of one. However, when this happens, when they repeatedly indulge in just the dance of one, when the two bodies do just what they are supposed to do according to the instincts and definitions of their gender, both the guy and the girl would soon get bored and feel unfulfilled. I can assure you that even if they used every technique and position and posture that has been invented and discovered, from the times of the Kamasutra to the modern times, they will still not be satisfied. Though they follow the natural instinct of their bodies, the purpose for which they came together was not just that; I would like to think that there’s also another thing, something called the Dance of Two.
When I say dance, I am talking about not any one particular form of dance. It’s rather a combination of everything – the discipline and control of classical dance forms, the tight co-ordination and grace of ballet, the formality of a ball dance, the skill, speed and balance of acrobatics and gymnastics, the basic earthiness of tribal and folk dances, and a lot of other things, from a lot of other dance forms. For want of a better word, I call it the Dance of Life. And, this dance of life is made of both the dance of two and the dance of one.
The dance of two involves a good understanding of one’s own body and that of the partner. Each person should understand just how much s/he can stretch herself/himself and how much the partner can stretch. Each should know what their own body, and what their partner’s body can and cannot do. Each should have a sense of her/his own movement, speed and balance, as well as that of the partner. Each should know just how far s/he can go away from the partner without the dance turning into a couple of solo performances happening simultaneously.
Both should never forget where one begins and the other ends, what each one’s limitations are, boundaries are. There must be an awareness of what to expect from the partner, and what not to expect. There must be perfect understanding of who should place the next step, and where. There must be no confusion with one partner placing her/his foot on the spot where the other partner should have, no violation at all of the personal spaces. There must be a studied and totally conscious management of the distance and spacing between the bodies – at times so close as to appear as one body, at times just holding hands, at times so far that even the finger tips of outstretched hands barely touch, and at times not touching at all.
Both should be deeply aware of and understand the music to which they are performing. They must be able to change their movements as the music changes, with co-ordination, in unison. By their movements, they must be able to signal the musicians what type of music they would like next. They must also be able to take the challenge of dancing to any type of music the musicians may come up with.
I feel that only when two people learn all these nuances of the dance of two, they can successfully indulge in the dance of one, to share pleasure, to give satisfaction, and not to mention, to evoke a sweet desire for more.
It’s sad that usually, two people who actually come together to dance the Dance of Life, involving both the dance of two and the dance of one, very often rush to the dance of one without properly mastering the dance of two. The result is that they are neither fully aware of their own body nor their partner’s body nor the interaction between the two. And so, they can hardly give or get the kind of unique pleasure and satisfaction they need and deserve. In such a situation, there can hardly be any desire for more. The guy might look like a selfish pig who treats the girl like a slave, and/or, the girl might start to seem like a bitch who revels in giving him a bad time. Either the relationship breaks or goes into a state of compromise, with a lot of potential and need sadly unfulfilled.
You can easily substitute the mind, the emotions, the spirit or the complete person in place of the body in the above paragraphs and see that all of this still holds, for two people in a relationship. By dance, I mean all the things that we do with our partner, and by music, I mean all the events and things that happen in life, events and things to which we react and respond with our partner.
Let’s first learn to dance the dance of two, and then move on to the dance of one. This is one place where two should come before one. Let’s first know our self and our partner, and the interaction between us, and then we can think of combining everything into a beautiful dance of one.
Happy learning and happy dancing!
For Beauty’s Sake,
Libran Lover
I once had this friend complain to me about how guys are so nice and caring in the wooing stage, and how once they get the girl and are in a relationship, they become selfish and bother only about their own needs. Following is the letter I wrote to her.
27th Aug ’99
Hello P,
The day after I talked to you in mid-July, I was thinking about the various things you’d said concerning guys and selfishness, and I came up with a good analogy. I find it so good that, I can’t resist sharing it with you. Hence this letter.
Well, the analogy is that of a dance, an intensely physical activity. Though this analogy is physical, know that it can be scaled up and down to other levels of a relationship – mental, emotional, spiritual; in fact, to the whole relationship itself. I am limiting myself here to the guy-girl relationship. May be we could apply it with/without some modification to guy-guy and girl-girl relationships too.
Now, where do I start? Okay, I personally don’t know if it’s true, but it’s generally considered that the natural instinct of the feminine body is to submit, to get down and under, to give in, to be uh, soft and warm, and the natural instinct of the male body is to dominate, to get on and on top, to take, to be hard and hot. Even if it’s not true, whether we agree or not, we have enough people behaving as if it’s true!
When a feminine body and a masculine one come close together, it’s like two dancers coming together on the dance floor. However, when these two bodies come close, the instinct that I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraph takes over. Whatever the reasons for this could be – be it the sheer physical proximity, or be it the years of mental conditioning, or something else, the two people end up indulging in what I call the Dance of One. It’s a dance in which the two bodies come together to become one, to move and feel and act and enjoy as one.
I refuse to believe that a girl and a guy come together only to dance the dance of one. However, when this happens, when they repeatedly indulge in just the dance of one, when the two bodies do just what they are supposed to do according to the instincts and definitions of their gender, both the guy and the girl would soon get bored and feel unfulfilled. I can assure you that even if they used every technique and position and posture that has been invented and discovered, from the times of the Kamasutra to the modern times, they will still not be satisfied. Though they follow the natural instinct of their bodies, the purpose for which they came together was not just that; I would like to think that there’s also another thing, something called the Dance of Two.
When I say dance, I am talking about not any one particular form of dance. It’s rather a combination of everything – the discipline and control of classical dance forms, the tight co-ordination and grace of ballet, the formality of a ball dance, the skill, speed and balance of acrobatics and gymnastics, the basic earthiness of tribal and folk dances, and a lot of other things, from a lot of other dance forms. For want of a better word, I call it the Dance of Life. And, this dance of life is made of both the dance of two and the dance of one.
The dance of two involves a good understanding of one’s own body and that of the partner. Each person should understand just how much s/he can stretch herself/himself and how much the partner can stretch. Each should know what their own body, and what their partner’s body can and cannot do. Each should have a sense of her/his own movement, speed and balance, as well as that of the partner. Each should know just how far s/he can go away from the partner without the dance turning into a couple of solo performances happening simultaneously.
Both should never forget where one begins and the other ends, what each one’s limitations are, boundaries are. There must be an awareness of what to expect from the partner, and what not to expect. There must be perfect understanding of who should place the next step, and where. There must be no confusion with one partner placing her/his foot on the spot where the other partner should have, no violation at all of the personal spaces. There must be a studied and totally conscious management of the distance and spacing between the bodies – at times so close as to appear as one body, at times just holding hands, at times so far that even the finger tips of outstretched hands barely touch, and at times not touching at all.
Both should be deeply aware of and understand the music to which they are performing. They must be able to change their movements as the music changes, with co-ordination, in unison. By their movements, they must be able to signal the musicians what type of music they would like next. They must also be able to take the challenge of dancing to any type of music the musicians may come up with.
I feel that only when two people learn all these nuances of the dance of two, they can successfully indulge in the dance of one, to share pleasure, to give satisfaction, and not to mention, to evoke a sweet desire for more.
It’s sad that usually, two people who actually come together to dance the Dance of Life, involving both the dance of two and the dance of one, very often rush to the dance of one without properly mastering the dance of two. The result is that they are neither fully aware of their own body nor their partner’s body nor the interaction between the two. And so, they can hardly give or get the kind of unique pleasure and satisfaction they need and deserve. In such a situation, there can hardly be any desire for more. The guy might look like a selfish pig who treats the girl like a slave, and/or, the girl might start to seem like a bitch who revels in giving him a bad time. Either the relationship breaks or goes into a state of compromise, with a lot of potential and need sadly unfulfilled.
You can easily substitute the mind, the emotions, the spirit or the complete person in place of the body in the above paragraphs and see that all of this still holds, for two people in a relationship. By dance, I mean all the things that we do with our partner, and by music, I mean all the events and things that happen in life, events and things to which we react and respond with our partner.
Let’s first learn to dance the dance of two, and then move on to the dance of one. This is one place where two should come before one. Let’s first know our self and our partner, and the interaction between us, and then we can think of combining everything into a beautiful dance of one.
Happy learning and happy dancing!
For Beauty’s Sake,
Libran Lover
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Feminine Astrology
Posted on February 17, 2004 23:42 PM EST
Note: All of the following is written from personal experience.
Aries - If your Aries girl is even a little bit attractive, there's a good chance that she's got a fan following. So, be ready for competition. Don't get jealous if she shows interest in seemingly macho men, like movie and sports stars. They like to dominate, but they also have a respect for you if you dominate them. If you dominate them too much, they might just leave you. They can also get bored easily. If an Aries female is interested in you, you should feel very flattered.
Taurus - These girls tend to be very sweet and dependable. Good to settle down, make a family and have babies with. Sensible girls. Can be very stubborn - to the point of appearing foolish or closed-minded. Like I said, their greatest plus is that they are good wife material. And I mean that in the most sincere and affectionate way.
Gemini - Another group I like. But you got to be careful with these girls. Especially the ones who are not too evolved in terms of honesty, honor, principles and other such old-fashioned stuff. It's difficult to argue with them. They can deceive you quite easily. They can also sting quite effectively with their attitude and words, sometimes unintentionally. Hard to impress, really. If you can impress a smart Gemini girl, you really have some stuff in you.
Cancer - With this girl, at times be prepared either to be her parent or her child. It is true! Be also prepared to hear sob stories. Be prepared to laugh like crazy. If they say they know cooking, let them cook for you - you won't be disappointed. They like quality treatment and will reciprocate the same. They are also leaders. Because of their penchant to take care of others, you might sometimes have to compete with a bunch of people who are being taken care of by your Cancer girl.
Leo - These expect to be treated like royalty. If you are not a flamboyant type or a devil-may-care type yourself, some of these females can actually give you a nagging feeling that you lack something. By the same token if you can get one of these to be devoted to you, she will make you feel like you are a bigger and better person than you really are! Nice boost to the ego! They know how to give praise, when they want to. And usually, they also know how to put you down. A badly evolved Leo girl can be a tyrannical b*tch!
Virgo - These are nice too. You cannot play tricks with them. Though they might enjoy all that you do, enjoy all the flirting and even reciprocate, you will ONLY get what they want to give you. Cannot coax them into giving more. They usually know your exact measure pretty quickly. These are dependable too.
Libra - These females can sometimes be strange. Librans are usually known for their high intelligence. Perhaps that is why the occasional ones with average intelligence actually look duller than they really are. Most of these girls have an obvious masculine streak in their personality. By masculine I mean one or more of the following: dominant, leader, mentally and physically strong, confident, etc. They make good friends. They can also be pretty flirtatious, and/or have a fan following because they are so sweet and nice and smart and often sensible. This is another group who will give you reasons to be jealous. These can also get bored easily.
Scorpio - These girls can be quite possessive. And they usually know everything about you. And all those stories about Scorpio passion is true, and it is especially true about Scorpio females. But if they are cold, there's no hope, none at all. Don't do anything bad to them - it will hurt them pretty deeply. I hear that they can get back at you quite effectively, but I have not experienced that. Fighting with them can be a tiresome experience, though.
Sagittarius - These make great buddies. Good fun. Chances are, some people might not have treated them very well. You don't be one of them. There is a good chance that you might forget they are girls and start thinking of them as one of your buddies - stop, hold yourself back, treat them like ladies. They will enjoy the experience and you won't regret it - in fact, you will be glad. They have got a real fire inside... Mmmmm! Last year I realized that almost all of my life, there has been some Sagi girl close to me, in one form or the other.
Capricorn - They can be so sweet and down-to-Earth and understanding and reasonable. They make great team-mates. Very dependable, no-nonsense types. Among all the girls I have met, a Capricornian is the one that came closest to convincingly making me feel that I could actually share a whole lifetime with her!
Aquarius - These make good buddies too. A really unique group. Can't generalize! I like them.
Pisces - Feels good to be around these girls. Unless they are a really weak type, in which case, you might end up with more pity than anything else. A really good Piscean can be very alluring and make you get addicted of her. Good people to spend time with when you are tired, and just want some quiet time.
One thing that's common with all the signs - it's good to have her on your side in bad situation.
Note: All of the following is written from personal experience.
Aries - If your Aries girl is even a little bit attractive, there's a good chance that she's got a fan following. So, be ready for competition. Don't get jealous if she shows interest in seemingly macho men, like movie and sports stars. They like to dominate, but they also have a respect for you if you dominate them. If you dominate them too much, they might just leave you. They can also get bored easily. If an Aries female is interested in you, you should feel very flattered.
Taurus - These girls tend to be very sweet and dependable. Good to settle down, make a family and have babies with. Sensible girls. Can be very stubborn - to the point of appearing foolish or closed-minded. Like I said, their greatest plus is that they are good wife material. And I mean that in the most sincere and affectionate way.
Gemini - Another group I like. But you got to be careful with these girls. Especially the ones who are not too evolved in terms of honesty, honor, principles and other such old-fashioned stuff. It's difficult to argue with them. They can deceive you quite easily. They can also sting quite effectively with their attitude and words, sometimes unintentionally. Hard to impress, really. If you can impress a smart Gemini girl, you really have some stuff in you.
Cancer - With this girl, at times be prepared either to be her parent or her child. It is true! Be also prepared to hear sob stories. Be prepared to laugh like crazy. If they say they know cooking, let them cook for you - you won't be disappointed. They like quality treatment and will reciprocate the same. They are also leaders. Because of their penchant to take care of others, you might sometimes have to compete with a bunch of people who are being taken care of by your Cancer girl.
Leo - These expect to be treated like royalty. If you are not a flamboyant type or a devil-may-care type yourself, some of these females can actually give you a nagging feeling that you lack something. By the same token if you can get one of these to be devoted to you, she will make you feel like you are a bigger and better person than you really are! Nice boost to the ego! They know how to give praise, when they want to. And usually, they also know how to put you down. A badly evolved Leo girl can be a tyrannical b*tch!
Virgo - These are nice too. You cannot play tricks with them. Though they might enjoy all that you do, enjoy all the flirting and even reciprocate, you will ONLY get what they want to give you. Cannot coax them into giving more. They usually know your exact measure pretty quickly. These are dependable too.
Libra - These females can sometimes be strange. Librans are usually known for their high intelligence. Perhaps that is why the occasional ones with average intelligence actually look duller than they really are. Most of these girls have an obvious masculine streak in their personality. By masculine I mean one or more of the following: dominant, leader, mentally and physically strong, confident, etc. They make good friends. They can also be pretty flirtatious, and/or have a fan following because they are so sweet and nice and smart and often sensible. This is another group who will give you reasons to be jealous. These can also get bored easily.
Scorpio - These girls can be quite possessive. And they usually know everything about you. And all those stories about Scorpio passion is true, and it is especially true about Scorpio females. But if they are cold, there's no hope, none at all. Don't do anything bad to them - it will hurt them pretty deeply. I hear that they can get back at you quite effectively, but I have not experienced that. Fighting with them can be a tiresome experience, though.
Sagittarius - These make great buddies. Good fun. Chances are, some people might not have treated them very well. You don't be one of them. There is a good chance that you might forget they are girls and start thinking of them as one of your buddies - stop, hold yourself back, treat them like ladies. They will enjoy the experience and you won't regret it - in fact, you will be glad. They have got a real fire inside... Mmmmm! Last year I realized that almost all of my life, there has been some Sagi girl close to me, in one form or the other.
Capricorn - They can be so sweet and down-to-Earth and understanding and reasonable. They make great team-mates. Very dependable, no-nonsense types. Among all the girls I have met, a Capricornian is the one that came closest to convincingly making me feel that I could actually share a whole lifetime with her!
Aquarius - These make good buddies too. A really unique group. Can't generalize! I like them.
Pisces - Feels good to be around these girls. Unless they are a really weak type, in which case, you might end up with more pity than anything else. A really good Piscean can be very alluring and make you get addicted of her. Good people to spend time with when you are tired, and just want some quiet time.
One thing that's common with all the signs - it's good to have her on your side in bad situation.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Dogs
Posted on February 16, 2004 23:0 PM EST
Hello Friends,
I would like to write about a subject that is quite frequently on my mind - dogs.
I have often heard people say that man is a social being. No doubt man is a social being, but the way in which it is said seems to imply that man has exclusive right to a social structure. But the truth is that there are lots of others who are also social beings like women, ants, dolphins, bees, almost all herbivorous wild animals, and lots of other animals including, wolves and the descendants of wolves, the dogs. And many of them have a much better social structure than men - even if they may not be as evolved mentally.
Well, having made that point, I would not like to give you the standard lines about the joys of having a dog in the house, the absolute devotion and friendship of these creatures, etc. I would rather concentrate on those points which unfortunately don’t find adequate mention in most general discussions about dogs.
Before we go further, let’s all remember that dogs have evolved from wolves and, like wolves, dogs are pack animals in the wild. Now on to the first point.
The first point is about the way you the dog thinks of you and you think of the dog. Always remember that a dog looks on you and your family as other dogs of the pack. So, we should not reciprocate and treat the dog as a human child. I mean, a dog deserves and should be given the same amount of love and care that are given to children, but as it grows, you should not expect it to understand what’s good behavior and bad behavior the way you would expect a human child to. The dog is much more sensitive than humans, very impressionable, and starts learning from the day it’s born. Consciously or unconsciously, it continuously learns from us. So, we must be very careful how we behave around and treat young dogs.
The second point is about the dog’s position in the pack, in the family. Most pack animals exhibit a very strict hierarchy in the pack - wolves and dogs are no exceptions. A pack is generally made of one alpha male, it’s mate an alpha female and lots of other lesser animals. The lowest member of the pack is called the omega. Every member has a distinct role to play in the pack, and the dominance of the alpha is absolute, once he’s established himself as alpha. The alpha member doesn’t become an alpha member just like that, or by birth - it has to practical fight for that position from a very young age. Most of the time, the fight is psychological rather than physical. It’s instinctual for dogs, which are also very territorial, protective and possessive animals to try and dominate. A dog in a family, especially a big dog like a German Shepherd or a Great Dane could be a time bomb waiting to explode if allowed to get away with the dominant behavior during puppyhood.
I’ve mentioned a dog looks at us like members of a pack - as such, it is very important for the human family members to establish themselves higher up in the hierarchy than the dog. There are many ways of doing it, and it should be done from the very first day the pup comes to your house, no matter how young it is. Some of the ways of establishing dominance include: rolling over the dog on it’s back and scratching it’s tummy, holding him between your hands or legs and grooming it’s neck from behind, handling it’s food bowl, etc. These things should never be tried on an adult dog which is unfamiliar with these treatments. Rather, these things should be done right from puppyhood.
There will definitely come a day, when the puppy will challenge you when you try to do this, even if you’ve been doing it from the day you got the puppy. When there is even a slight hint of challenge there must be immediate and firm correction. Correction should always be consistent with the puppy - meaning what is bad behavior today should always be bad behavior. You can’t allow the puppy to sleep on the sofa today and punish it when it does the same thing tomorrow - you may not be consistent in your personal life, but please, please be consistent with your dog, always.
There are many ways of correcting dog - but it’s important to remember that correction doesn’t mean hitting the dog or causing it pain or harm. For young puppies, a rough shout/growl should suffice. If that doesn’t work and you really want to give a firm correction, do what parent dogs do to puppies. Very very carefully, catch hold of the scruff of the puppies neck, very gently lift or shake the puppy - it will squeal, carefully release it. When I mention ‘carefully’ and ‘gently’, I don’t mean slowly. This should be done as soon as you see the puppy doing something you don’t want it to do (including challenge you dominance).
Finally these talks of dominance should not puff up our ego or affect our humility. We should always remember that there are few things about dogs that make them better “persons” than we humans will ever be. Best wishes to all dogs and their families. Thank you.
Hello Friends,
I would like to write about a subject that is quite frequently on my mind - dogs.
I have often heard people say that man is a social being. No doubt man is a social being, but the way in which it is said seems to imply that man has exclusive right to a social structure. But the truth is that there are lots of others who are also social beings like women, ants, dolphins, bees, almost all herbivorous wild animals, and lots of other animals including, wolves and the descendants of wolves, the dogs. And many of them have a much better social structure than men - even if they may not be as evolved mentally.
Well, having made that point, I would not like to give you the standard lines about the joys of having a dog in the house, the absolute devotion and friendship of these creatures, etc. I would rather concentrate on those points which unfortunately don’t find adequate mention in most general discussions about dogs.
Before we go further, let’s all remember that dogs have evolved from wolves and, like wolves, dogs are pack animals in the wild. Now on to the first point.
The first point is about the way you the dog thinks of you and you think of the dog. Always remember that a dog looks on you and your family as other dogs of the pack. So, we should not reciprocate and treat the dog as a human child. I mean, a dog deserves and should be given the same amount of love and care that are given to children, but as it grows, you should not expect it to understand what’s good behavior and bad behavior the way you would expect a human child to. The dog is much more sensitive than humans, very impressionable, and starts learning from the day it’s born. Consciously or unconsciously, it continuously learns from us. So, we must be very careful how we behave around and treat young dogs.
The second point is about the dog’s position in the pack, in the family. Most pack animals exhibit a very strict hierarchy in the pack - wolves and dogs are no exceptions. A pack is generally made of one alpha male, it’s mate an alpha female and lots of other lesser animals. The lowest member of the pack is called the omega. Every member has a distinct role to play in the pack, and the dominance of the alpha is absolute, once he’s established himself as alpha. The alpha member doesn’t become an alpha member just like that, or by birth - it has to practical fight for that position from a very young age. Most of the time, the fight is psychological rather than physical. It’s instinctual for dogs, which are also very territorial, protective and possessive animals to try and dominate. A dog in a family, especially a big dog like a German Shepherd or a Great Dane could be a time bomb waiting to explode if allowed to get away with the dominant behavior during puppyhood.
I’ve mentioned a dog looks at us like members of a pack - as such, it is very important for the human family members to establish themselves higher up in the hierarchy than the dog. There are many ways of doing it, and it should be done from the very first day the pup comes to your house, no matter how young it is. Some of the ways of establishing dominance include: rolling over the dog on it’s back and scratching it’s tummy, holding him between your hands or legs and grooming it’s neck from behind, handling it’s food bowl, etc. These things should never be tried on an adult dog which is unfamiliar with these treatments. Rather, these things should be done right from puppyhood.
There will definitely come a day, when the puppy will challenge you when you try to do this, even if you’ve been doing it from the day you got the puppy. When there is even a slight hint of challenge there must be immediate and firm correction. Correction should always be consistent with the puppy - meaning what is bad behavior today should always be bad behavior. You can’t allow the puppy to sleep on the sofa today and punish it when it does the same thing tomorrow - you may not be consistent in your personal life, but please, please be consistent with your dog, always.
There are many ways of correcting dog - but it’s important to remember that correction doesn’t mean hitting the dog or causing it pain or harm. For young puppies, a rough shout/growl should suffice. If that doesn’t work and you really want to give a firm correction, do what parent dogs do to puppies. Very very carefully, catch hold of the scruff of the puppies neck, very gently lift or shake the puppy - it will squeal, carefully release it. When I mention ‘carefully’ and ‘gently’, I don’t mean slowly. This should be done as soon as you see the puppy doing something you don’t want it to do (including challenge you dominance).
Finally these talks of dominance should not puff up our ego or affect our humility. We should always remember that there are few things about dogs that make them better “persons” than we humans will ever be. Best wishes to all dogs and their families. Thank you.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Hickey on the Hip
Posted on February 14, 2004 22:3 PM EST
Hickey on the Hip a.k.a. Wooed by The Beast
With earnest attentions
And responsible actions,
With straight talks
And simple truths - he wooed me;
I admired and I applauded, but I resisted.
With laughing stories
And scandalous poems,
With hinting winks
And mischievous grins - he wooed me;
I giggled and I flirted, but I resisted.
With meaningless words
And meaningful silences,
With deep eyes
And soulful sighs - he wooed me;
I stared and I sighed, but I resisted.
With fingers that messed my hair,
And nails that danced down my spine,
With stares that traced my curves
And looks that caressed my skin - he wooed me;
I shook and I shivered, but I resisted.
He said, "You are my Beauty,"
And with both hands grabbed my booty,
He planted a deep kiss crushing my lip
And burnt a hot hickey right on my hip,
I moaned and I swooned, and I became his!
Hickey on the Hip a.k.a. Wooed by The Beast
With earnest attentions
And responsible actions,
With straight talks
And simple truths - he wooed me;
I admired and I applauded, but I resisted.
With laughing stories
And scandalous poems,
With hinting winks
And mischievous grins - he wooed me;
I giggled and I flirted, but I resisted.
With meaningless words
And meaningful silences,
With deep eyes
And soulful sighs - he wooed me;
I stared and I sighed, but I resisted.
With fingers that messed my hair,
And nails that danced down my spine,
With stares that traced my curves
And looks that caressed my skin - he wooed me;
I shook and I shivered, but I resisted.
He said, "You are my Beauty,"
And with both hands grabbed my booty,
He planted a deep kiss crushing my lip
And burnt a hot hickey right on my hip,
I moaned and I swooned, and I became his!
Thursday, February 12, 2004
The Sleep Goddess's Blessed Child
Posted on February 12, 2004 23:54 PM EST
If there is one thing about me that I cannot absolutely control, it is sleep. If my body needs to sleep, it will sleep. Period. No matter where I am, what I am doing. The only thing that can keep me from sleeping is cold. Hate it.
I am envious of animals for the many simplicities of their lives. But the one thing that I am most envious about them is their freedom to sleep just about whenever they want to. They are totally in sync with their bodies. Not tied to some artificial clock.
Without further ado, here are a list of places I have fallen asleep in. Contrary to the light tone of this piece, I am not proud of this list.
1. Classrooms. Of course. Not just in school or college classrooms. Even in my company's training rooms. During one multi-day training, the instructor got so used to my daily post-lunch naps, on one occasion he exclaimed in front of the whole class with an amused and resigned smile on his face, "So, Swami is doing his usual work now!"
2. At my office desk. Of course again. Not just in my own company's office desk. Even in client companies. I have dozed off in the middle of typing an email or editing a program. Othertimes, I have dropped my head on the desk, tucked in my arms and simply dozed off. Nobody has objected... yet!
3. Meetings. Of course yet again. I have dozed off in meetings. Even in clients' organizations. Even in a technical review meeting with just 3 people, including myself. People have been extremely sportive about it. Absolutely hate meetings within 90 minutes after lunch.
4. In the middle of dinner. If this happened at home, my mom would take my plate, feed me with her own hand, and send me off to sleep. Ah, mom!
5. In front of the TV. Someone would wake up early in the morning and find that I had dozed off with the TV on the whole night!
6. At the movies. Simple. Dark place. Boring or not so boring movie. Doze off.
7. While on the phone or Net, chatting with friends. More than one gal has been frustrated and angry. Sorry, babes!
8. While driving. Ridiculous. Dangerous. Stupid. I dozed off the very first time I was driving in the US. The car almost ran into the other lane when my friend, who was teaching me the nuances of driving in the US, squealed. I corrected at once. To this day he does not know I dozed off. Thinks I just lost the steering balance. I have dozed off on other occasions while driving. By some strange coincidence, everytime I have to go on a long drive, it so happens that I've had little sleep the previous night. Stopped at rest areas on many occasions to take a nap and then drive on. I had this one girlfriend who lived 40 miles away. If I stayed over at her home and we stayed up late (as it happened often!), I would have to drive back home early in the morning to get ready for work. It's that time of the day when sleep is best and hard to resist. We had an agreement that as soon as I reached home, I would leave her a message that I had reached safely. Else, she should panic and raise the alarm. Crore thanks to Tirupati Edukondalavada that I am anti-accident prone!
9. Falling asleep while making out. Yeah. Unlike most men, I am not the kind who falls asleep immediately after I have had my pleasure. If I get into the act, I do my part for my hunni. It's the foreplay time when I am most vulnerable. On long, tiring days, I have been known to fall asleep during the foreplay, right in mid-kiss, mid-squeeze or mid-sweet-nothing. Frustrating for my hunni. Sorry, hunni!
10. Surprisingly, dozing off while driving or during foreplay is not my worst yet. My worst is falling asleep while on a last date! Oh, mama! How could I do that? I did. For reasons I can't go into here, it was supposed to be my last date with this sweet sweet friend. We went back to her home after dinner, sat on the couch, she was in my arms, head on my shoulder, and then I dozed off! No last sweet words. No last hugs and kisses. No nostalgic reminiscences. Hers truly, Sleepy-head Swami, just dozed off! She was so sweet and good and understanding, after I woke up, she sent me home with a hug and a kiss. Fortunately, things took a different turn and it ended up not being our last date, after all. In fact, we went on to enjoy a deeper and sweeter relationship. Warm hugs and kisses to my sweetie!
List not complete...
PS: There are a few friends who have suggested that my tendency to sleep might be a medical syndrome that needs treatment. I think not. Simply because everytime I have fallen asleep like that, I have usually been up too late the previous night for whatever reason and/or I have just had a filling lunch/dinner.
If there is one thing about me that I cannot absolutely control, it is sleep. If my body needs to sleep, it will sleep. Period. No matter where I am, what I am doing. The only thing that can keep me from sleeping is cold. Hate it.
I am envious of animals for the many simplicities of their lives. But the one thing that I am most envious about them is their freedom to sleep just about whenever they want to. They are totally in sync with their bodies. Not tied to some artificial clock.
Without further ado, here are a list of places I have fallen asleep in. Contrary to the light tone of this piece, I am not proud of this list.
1. Classrooms. Of course. Not just in school or college classrooms. Even in my company's training rooms. During one multi-day training, the instructor got so used to my daily post-lunch naps, on one occasion he exclaimed in front of the whole class with an amused and resigned smile on his face, "So, Swami is doing his usual work now!"
2. At my office desk. Of course again. Not just in my own company's office desk. Even in client companies. I have dozed off in the middle of typing an email or editing a program. Othertimes, I have dropped my head on the desk, tucked in my arms and simply dozed off. Nobody has objected... yet!
3. Meetings. Of course yet again. I have dozed off in meetings. Even in clients' organizations. Even in a technical review meeting with just 3 people, including myself. People have been extremely sportive about it. Absolutely hate meetings within 90 minutes after lunch.
4. In the middle of dinner. If this happened at home, my mom would take my plate, feed me with her own hand, and send me off to sleep. Ah, mom!
5. In front of the TV. Someone would wake up early in the morning and find that I had dozed off with the TV on the whole night!
6. At the movies. Simple. Dark place. Boring or not so boring movie. Doze off.
7. While on the phone or Net, chatting with friends. More than one gal has been frustrated and angry. Sorry, babes!
8. While driving. Ridiculous. Dangerous. Stupid. I dozed off the very first time I was driving in the US. The car almost ran into the other lane when my friend, who was teaching me the nuances of driving in the US, squealed. I corrected at once. To this day he does not know I dozed off. Thinks I just lost the steering balance. I have dozed off on other occasions while driving. By some strange coincidence, everytime I have to go on a long drive, it so happens that I've had little sleep the previous night. Stopped at rest areas on many occasions to take a nap and then drive on. I had this one girlfriend who lived 40 miles away. If I stayed over at her home and we stayed up late (as it happened often!), I would have to drive back home early in the morning to get ready for work. It's that time of the day when sleep is best and hard to resist. We had an agreement that as soon as I reached home, I would leave her a message that I had reached safely. Else, she should panic and raise the alarm. Crore thanks to Tirupati Edukondalavada that I am anti-accident prone!
9. Falling asleep while making out. Yeah. Unlike most men, I am not the kind who falls asleep immediately after I have had my pleasure. If I get into the act, I do my part for my hunni. It's the foreplay time when I am most vulnerable. On long, tiring days, I have been known to fall asleep during the foreplay, right in mid-kiss, mid-squeeze or mid-sweet-nothing. Frustrating for my hunni. Sorry, hunni!
10. Surprisingly, dozing off while driving or during foreplay is not my worst yet. My worst is falling asleep while on a last date! Oh, mama! How could I do that? I did. For reasons I can't go into here, it was supposed to be my last date with this sweet sweet friend. We went back to her home after dinner, sat on the couch, she was in my arms, head on my shoulder, and then I dozed off! No last sweet words. No last hugs and kisses. No nostalgic reminiscences. Hers truly, Sleepy-head Swami, just dozed off! She was so sweet and good and understanding, after I woke up, she sent me home with a hug and a kiss. Fortunately, things took a different turn and it ended up not being our last date, after all. In fact, we went on to enjoy a deeper and sweeter relationship. Warm hugs and kisses to my sweetie!
List not complete...
PS: There are a few friends who have suggested that my tendency to sleep might be a medical syndrome that needs treatment. I think not. Simply because everytime I have fallen asleep like that, I have usually been up too late the previous night for whatever reason and/or I have just had a filling lunch/dinner.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
No means no!
Posted on February 11, 2004 23:14 PM EST
No means no! That's another thing I've really learnt to appreciate here in the US. People know how to give a "no". People know how to take a "no". I have heard that kids are actually taught in schools how to say and understand a "no". They learn very early on that, "No means no"!
As a guy who spent around a quarter century training a mom, a grandmom and assorted aunts that no means no, I really appreciate the American "no". I will never ever be able to count the number of times I have said no to one more helping of rice, only to be simply ignored and my plate heaped on; the number of times I have lost my temper and simply walked away from my plate mid-meal; the number of times relatives have thought I was being a rude bad boy just because I said a no.
I appreciate the American "no", even more as an earnest young man who "played the field" in des. So many desi girls couldn't convey a simple and assertive no. They gave such an ambiguous and half-hearted "no", you were left wondering if it would change to a "yes" if you pursued her more vigorously or convinced her best girlfriend that you were really a good boy with honest intentions or if you just simply showed up at her home to talk to her mom. I have a friend who pursued a girl for years, despite her no's. This year, nine years after they first met, they are gonna get married. I always tell him that I am in awe of his tenacity. I have another friend who gave me a "no" for the better part of a year. She then got engaged, married and went away. Years later we happened to be talking and she told me that if she had not been engaged when she did and if I pursued her for a few more months (despite all her no's, which fool-for-love-I would most probably have done), her "no" would have changed to a "yes"! She was quick to add that her husband and her are a made-for-each-other-couple, and we agreed that it was all probably ordained by destiny and not influenced by anybody's "yes" or "no". Certainly not a desi girl's.
When I was a kid, Father never said a direct "no" to our many childish requests which could have been something as common as going on the class excursion or as uncommon as getting a snake as a pet. He always said "We'll see". Pretty soon we knew that, "We'll see", really meant a "no". Even today, there are times when I am driven up the wall by the ambiguous responses of desi friends to my countless plans and proposals for things-to-do, places-to-eat-at, spots-to-go-to!
Indians love ambiguity. We have a whole bunch of phrases that translate roughly to, "It's okay", "It's alrighty", "It doesn't matter" and that most unique thing of all, the Indian nod-shake! I have no qualms admitting that the Indian ambiguity, including even that notorious nod-shake, has its uses and charms. However, having "played the field" in the US with varying degrees of hits and misses, I have tremendous respect, admiration and gratitude for feminine assertiveness.
I send out an earnest appeal to all desi girls (and some guys too) to please, please keep the ambiguity out of the Great Game That Men And Women Play. As usual, much love, respect and kisses to those girls who already follow this advice!
No means no! That's another thing I've really learnt to appreciate here in the US. People know how to give a "no". People know how to take a "no". I have heard that kids are actually taught in schools how to say and understand a "no". They learn very early on that, "No means no"!
As a guy who spent around a quarter century training a mom, a grandmom and assorted aunts that no means no, I really appreciate the American "no". I will never ever be able to count the number of times I have said no to one more helping of rice, only to be simply ignored and my plate heaped on; the number of times I have lost my temper and simply walked away from my plate mid-meal; the number of times relatives have thought I was being a rude bad boy just because I said a no.
I appreciate the American "no", even more as an earnest young man who "played the field" in des. So many desi girls couldn't convey a simple and assertive no. They gave such an ambiguous and half-hearted "no", you were left wondering if it would change to a "yes" if you pursued her more vigorously or convinced her best girlfriend that you were really a good boy with honest intentions or if you just simply showed up at her home to talk to her mom. I have a friend who pursued a girl for years, despite her no's. This year, nine years after they first met, they are gonna get married. I always tell him that I am in awe of his tenacity. I have another friend who gave me a "no" for the better part of a year. She then got engaged, married and went away. Years later we happened to be talking and she told me that if she had not been engaged when she did and if I pursued her for a few more months (despite all her no's, which fool-for-love-I would most probably have done), her "no" would have changed to a "yes"! She was quick to add that her husband and her are a made-for-each-other-couple, and we agreed that it was all probably ordained by destiny and not influenced by anybody's "yes" or "no". Certainly not a desi girl's.
When I was a kid, Father never said a direct "no" to our many childish requests which could have been something as common as going on the class excursion or as uncommon as getting a snake as a pet. He always said "We'll see". Pretty soon we knew that, "We'll see", really meant a "no". Even today, there are times when I am driven up the wall by the ambiguous responses of desi friends to my countless plans and proposals for things-to-do, places-to-eat-at, spots-to-go-to!
Indians love ambiguity. We have a whole bunch of phrases that translate roughly to, "It's okay", "It's alrighty", "It doesn't matter" and that most unique thing of all, the Indian nod-shake! I have no qualms admitting that the Indian ambiguity, including even that notorious nod-shake, has its uses and charms. However, having "played the field" in the US with varying degrees of hits and misses, I have tremendous respect, admiration and gratitude for feminine assertiveness.
I send out an earnest appeal to all desi girls (and some guys too) to please, please keep the ambiguity out of the Great Game That Men And Women Play. As usual, much love, respect and kisses to those girls who already follow this advice!
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
When was the last time you were hugged?
Posted on February 10, 2004 19:7 PM EST
When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you were hugged?
There are two wonderful things missing in contemporary Indian culture and I wish that were not so. Our culture would have been even more nicer if we had these two things. And they are:
1. Dancing.
2. Physical expression of affection.
Dancing
When I say dancing, I am not thinking of just the gyrations of young people in clubs and pubs. I am also talking of family and community dancing. We have all seen TV programs or movies which show people of other cultures come together during special occasions, and everybody dances with everybody else as a family and community. Many cultures of all types - urban, country and tribal - have the custom of community dancing. It is so nice to see and it is even better to participate in such a custom. The warmth and the camaraderie and togetherness expressed and shared among people touching and swaying together to music is wonderful to see and take part in. Indian families and communities no doubt feel the warmth and camaraderie, but expressing the feelings by dancing together is to take it to another level. To understand what I mean, take the example of a wedding in your family or a public festival (Ganesha Chaturthi) in your neighborhood, and imagine everybody in your family or in your neighborhood dancing together, with smiles and warm friendship, as part of the celebration. If your desi conditioning does not allow you to imagine such group dancing, then remember the movie Lagaan? How would you like to part of a community like the village in that movie, where everyone comes together to sing and dance, sharing the good times and the bad? Nice, na? Hmm... I am already imagining a wedding in which all the women from the other side are fair game on the dance floor. Hee-hee!
I have participated in such family occasions and public gatherings here in the US, where everybody - young and old - dances together. I did not have my own family with me then, but there were friends and their families. It was a wonderful experience. I understand that our Indian society is structured differently. I understand that there might be riots at a wedding if some guy got overly close to a girl from the other side on the dance floor. But I wish it were different. I think it would be different if we were more comfortable with physical expression of affection, which brings us to the next thing we are missing.
Physical Expression of Affection
Frequent and physical display of affection (mostly as hugs) is something I have really enjoyed here in the US, with people who are close to me. It feels really good. It's a pleasant affirmation of the good feelings we have for each other. It's good to have the warm feelings, but it's great to express it physically. By severely containing physical display of affection in Indian culture, we are missing something precious.
I have read of studies which show that between two babies, one nurtured with physical closeness and touch and affection from her/his parents and the other one with no such physical attention, all other factors like food, activity, etc. being the same, the former flourished and grew up to be healthier and stronger than the latter.
In India, once we have grown beyond being babies, we are totally deprived of physical affection until we find mates. I mean, how many of us, Indians with no mates currently or in the recent past, can remember the last time we were hugged?
Even among people with partners in India, physical affection seems to be at a premium, confined to the privacy of the bedroom. I feel it's ridiculous. I mean, imagine watching a romantic movie with your wife and feeling an urge to kiss her in the middle of it, and then having to wait till you go back home to your bedroom, before you can kiss. Or imagine your husband saying or doing something really cute for which you want to give him a big hug, but you have to hold back until later because the whole family is around. The moment of romance passes and who knows you might have an argument or disagreement later over something else and there might be no kisses or hugs for that day. So sad!
When I was a kid, I really liked the fact that men and women in movies expressed affection freely. In fact, I did not know that husbands and wives in real life did hug and kiss in the privacy of their bedrooms. I was so totally isolated from physical display of love in real life that I truly thought husbands and wives did not even touch each other affectionately! Obviously I was a very small kid then. But I decided that when I grew up and was ready to get married, I would tell my wife-to-be that if she was going to be my wife, she should be ready to share hugs and kisses! Funny, but pathetic, no?
Now I know a little more about Indian husbands and wives. But I still think the situation is pathetic. For example, I believe that if my last girlfriend had been the average Indian girl, I might have gotten much less kisses than I actually did. And what few kisses I did manage to get from my imaginary Indian girlfriend, would have been mostly stolen ones in those rare private moments. Scary thought that! And oh, apologies, heartfelt congratulations and many kisses to desi girls who are different from this scary average!
Friends, we have to change this situation. We can't wait and expect the rules of our society to be changed by some government decree or some sudden shift in thinking. It's something we have to do ourselves, slowly through repeated action. Let us all vow to show more physical affection to our family, friends, relatives, and most important of all, to our lovers. If it is done in public, so much better! I, for one, vow that the next desi girlfriend I have, at least one of the first three occasions when we kiss will be in public!
Addendum: I must mention here few things which readers were quick to point out. Thanks to those readers. Our community dance forms like dandia are commendable, athough not very widespread. I really appreciate and am proud of the physical affection that desi babies traditionally get and the same goes for the sharing of physical affection among same-gender buddies too. Otherwise, the fact remains that Indians are deprived of physical affection (sexual or otherwise) compared to most Westerners.
When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you were hugged?
There are two wonderful things missing in contemporary Indian culture and I wish that were not so. Our culture would have been even more nicer if we had these two things. And they are:
1. Dancing.
2. Physical expression of affection.
Dancing
When I say dancing, I am not thinking of just the gyrations of young people in clubs and pubs. I am also talking of family and community dancing. We have all seen TV programs or movies which show people of other cultures come together during special occasions, and everybody dances with everybody else as a family and community. Many cultures of all types - urban, country and tribal - have the custom of community dancing. It is so nice to see and it is even better to participate in such a custom. The warmth and the camaraderie and togetherness expressed and shared among people touching and swaying together to music is wonderful to see and take part in. Indian families and communities no doubt feel the warmth and camaraderie, but expressing the feelings by dancing together is to take it to another level. To understand what I mean, take the example of a wedding in your family or a public festival (Ganesha Chaturthi) in your neighborhood, and imagine everybody in your family or in your neighborhood dancing together, with smiles and warm friendship, as part of the celebration. If your desi conditioning does not allow you to imagine such group dancing, then remember the movie Lagaan? How would you like to part of a community like the village in that movie, where everyone comes together to sing and dance, sharing the good times and the bad? Nice, na? Hmm... I am already imagining a wedding in which all the women from the other side are fair game on the dance floor. Hee-hee!
I have participated in such family occasions and public gatherings here in the US, where everybody - young and old - dances together. I did not have my own family with me then, but there were friends and their families. It was a wonderful experience. I understand that our Indian society is structured differently. I understand that there might be riots at a wedding if some guy got overly close to a girl from the other side on the dance floor. But I wish it were different. I think it would be different if we were more comfortable with physical expression of affection, which brings us to the next thing we are missing.
Physical Expression of Affection
Frequent and physical display of affection (mostly as hugs) is something I have really enjoyed here in the US, with people who are close to me. It feels really good. It's a pleasant affirmation of the good feelings we have for each other. It's good to have the warm feelings, but it's great to express it physically. By severely containing physical display of affection in Indian culture, we are missing something precious.
I have read of studies which show that between two babies, one nurtured with physical closeness and touch and affection from her/his parents and the other one with no such physical attention, all other factors like food, activity, etc. being the same, the former flourished and grew up to be healthier and stronger than the latter.
In India, once we have grown beyond being babies, we are totally deprived of physical affection until we find mates. I mean, how many of us, Indians with no mates currently or in the recent past, can remember the last time we were hugged?
Even among people with partners in India, physical affection seems to be at a premium, confined to the privacy of the bedroom. I feel it's ridiculous. I mean, imagine watching a romantic movie with your wife and feeling an urge to kiss her in the middle of it, and then having to wait till you go back home to your bedroom, before you can kiss. Or imagine your husband saying or doing something really cute for which you want to give him a big hug, but you have to hold back until later because the whole family is around. The moment of romance passes and who knows you might have an argument or disagreement later over something else and there might be no kisses or hugs for that day. So sad!
When I was a kid, I really liked the fact that men and women in movies expressed affection freely. In fact, I did not know that husbands and wives in real life did hug and kiss in the privacy of their bedrooms. I was so totally isolated from physical display of love in real life that I truly thought husbands and wives did not even touch each other affectionately! Obviously I was a very small kid then. But I decided that when I grew up and was ready to get married, I would tell my wife-to-be that if she was going to be my wife, she should be ready to share hugs and kisses! Funny, but pathetic, no?
Now I know a little more about Indian husbands and wives. But I still think the situation is pathetic. For example, I believe that if my last girlfriend had been the average Indian girl, I might have gotten much less kisses than I actually did. And what few kisses I did manage to get from my imaginary Indian girlfriend, would have been mostly stolen ones in those rare private moments. Scary thought that! And oh, apologies, heartfelt congratulations and many kisses to desi girls who are different from this scary average!
Friends, we have to change this situation. We can't wait and expect the rules of our society to be changed by some government decree or some sudden shift in thinking. It's something we have to do ourselves, slowly through repeated action. Let us all vow to show more physical affection to our family, friends, relatives, and most important of all, to our lovers. If it is done in public, so much better! I, for one, vow that the next desi girlfriend I have, at least one of the first three occasions when we kiss will be in public!
Addendum: I must mention here few things which readers were quick to point out. Thanks to those readers. Our community dance forms like dandia are commendable, athough not very widespread. I really appreciate and am proud of the physical affection that desi babies traditionally get and the same goes for the sharing of physical affection among same-gender buddies too. Otherwise, the fact remains that Indians are deprived of physical affection (sexual or otherwise) compared to most Westerners.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Soulmates - Part II
Posted on February 9, 2004 16:54 PM EST
Continued from Part I...
At first Amar and I thought he was joking and trying to pull our legs - but, Anand was never one to joke or pull legs, that was Amar's job, and sometimes mine. When we discovered just how serious he was (by then we had reached the camp and finished dinner), we seriously wondered if he had lost his sanity. Assuming that Anand saw her as soon as he went into the backyard, and spent with her all of the approximately seven minutes he took (I sometimes remember weird details like that!) to come back, we didn't think it was enough to decide someone was your soulmate, unless this was a Hindi movie, which it definitely was not. All three of us went to bed that night with some uneasy feelings.
I did not meet the two of them for the next 24 hours. One of the senior guys in my group was temporarily out of action due to a death his family. As I took on his work, my responsibilities more than doubled and to my surprise, so did my importance. Once I asked for a manual whose only known copy was in my personal drawer all the way down in Bangalore. Someone was sent there with my key and the manual was in my hands in two days! The next few days for me were a high speed blur of my job done almost exclusively in the night, the new things that I was learning - about Physics as well as about the project, days spent half in study, half in bed and in between all these, Amar filling me in (mostly during breakfast, which was the only time of the day when almost all the personnel assembled in one place) about all the crazy things happening in Anand's life.
He told me that the very next night the two of them had gone back to the village. I asked how they got the pass to go out in the night. To my horror, he said they didn't get any pass, they just stole out and trekked 7 kilometres. I said it was illegal, they could be reprimanded, arrested... what had come over them ? And Amar said not only that, if the villagers came to know of it, they could be killed and that while he had been there only once, Anand was going there every night. Apparently, the girl whom Anand had managed to charm, was a real looker, only fifteen years old, married about ten years ago, and due to be sent to her husband's house the next full moon day. I worried about Anand's romance for only short time. Most of my concentration was taken up by my work. After a couple more days, Amar told me that Anand had lost his virginity the previous night - Anand was present when he said that, and I remember wondering stupidly what to say to a friend who's recently lost his virginity ! And then I sought their help for something which, to me at least, was more important at the moment - the solution for a mathematical equation.
During the last few days, the activity at the camp reached a frenzied pace. People worked round the clock, stealing what time they could for rest. There were many of us who did not even go to sleep during the last few days. There were times when d-day had to be postponed for some reason or the other. Finally, the day arrived and the burst of our fireworks were registered around the world, on a full moon night. The activity immediately after that only increased. For some people, all the real activity started only after d-day. It was during the small celebration that was arranged at the camp after d-day that I noticed Anand's absence. Amar was worried sick. I learnt that Anand had gone to rescue his 'soulmate' from being sent to her husband's house, and that he had not returned. His absence was noticed by the senior people now because Anand was one of those guys whose real job started after d-day. I did not have much time to spend with Amar. Hoping that everything would be okay, I went back to work.
Sometime in the late afternoon, I was summoned by one of the top scientists at the camp. I went into his makeshift office and found Amar, and a couple of other senior guys from Anand's department. I was immediately alarmed by the expression on their faces. I came to know of the story in bits - Anand had gone to rescue the girl, the villagers had known of the romance from one of the girl's friends a little after Anand fled with the girl, the villagers gave chase with weapons, Anand and the girl tried to escape into the desert, they found themselves in the most dangerous place that eloping lovers had ever fled to in the history of the world: the site of our testing. They became the only known casualties of India's nuclear program... to date.
Some questions will always remain unanswered for me: Where did Anand plan to take the girl? She would never have been allowed into the camp. How did Anand end up where he did? There was supposed to be tight security for miles around d-spot, no living thing bigger than a cat was supposed to be able to penetrate that security cover. How did Anand manage to 'get' the girl in the first place? She was an uneducated, always suppressed, married village girl, who should have been afraid to even look directly at men in her own family, let alone love and flee with a stranger! And above all, was she really his soulmate? Do soulmates really exist?
Concluded.
Continued from Part I...
At first Amar and I thought he was joking and trying to pull our legs - but, Anand was never one to joke or pull legs, that was Amar's job, and sometimes mine. When we discovered just how serious he was (by then we had reached the camp and finished dinner), we seriously wondered if he had lost his sanity. Assuming that Anand saw her as soon as he went into the backyard, and spent with her all of the approximately seven minutes he took (I sometimes remember weird details like that!) to come back, we didn't think it was enough to decide someone was your soulmate, unless this was a Hindi movie, which it definitely was not. All three of us went to bed that night with some uneasy feelings.
I did not meet the two of them for the next 24 hours. One of the senior guys in my group was temporarily out of action due to a death his family. As I took on his work, my responsibilities more than doubled and to my surprise, so did my importance. Once I asked for a manual whose only known copy was in my personal drawer all the way down in Bangalore. Someone was sent there with my key and the manual was in my hands in two days! The next few days for me were a high speed blur of my job done almost exclusively in the night, the new things that I was learning - about Physics as well as about the project, days spent half in study, half in bed and in between all these, Amar filling me in (mostly during breakfast, which was the only time of the day when almost all the personnel assembled in one place) about all the crazy things happening in Anand's life.
He told me that the very next night the two of them had gone back to the village. I asked how they got the pass to go out in the night. To my horror, he said they didn't get any pass, they just stole out and trekked 7 kilometres. I said it was illegal, they could be reprimanded, arrested... what had come over them ? And Amar said not only that, if the villagers came to know of it, they could be killed and that while he had been there only once, Anand was going there every night. Apparently, the girl whom Anand had managed to charm, was a real looker, only fifteen years old, married about ten years ago, and due to be sent to her husband's house the next full moon day. I worried about Anand's romance for only short time. Most of my concentration was taken up by my work. After a couple more days, Amar told me that Anand had lost his virginity the previous night - Anand was present when he said that, and I remember wondering stupidly what to say to a friend who's recently lost his virginity ! And then I sought their help for something which, to me at least, was more important at the moment - the solution for a mathematical equation.
During the last few days, the activity at the camp reached a frenzied pace. People worked round the clock, stealing what time they could for rest. There were many of us who did not even go to sleep during the last few days. There were times when d-day had to be postponed for some reason or the other. Finally, the day arrived and the burst of our fireworks were registered around the world, on a full moon night. The activity immediately after that only increased. For some people, all the real activity started only after d-day. It was during the small celebration that was arranged at the camp after d-day that I noticed Anand's absence. Amar was worried sick. I learnt that Anand had gone to rescue his 'soulmate' from being sent to her husband's house, and that he had not returned. His absence was noticed by the senior people now because Anand was one of those guys whose real job started after d-day. I did not have much time to spend with Amar. Hoping that everything would be okay, I went back to work.
Sometime in the late afternoon, I was summoned by one of the top scientists at the camp. I went into his makeshift office and found Amar, and a couple of other senior guys from Anand's department. I was immediately alarmed by the expression on their faces. I came to know of the story in bits - Anand had gone to rescue the girl, the villagers had known of the romance from one of the girl's friends a little after Anand fled with the girl, the villagers gave chase with weapons, Anand and the girl tried to escape into the desert, they found themselves in the most dangerous place that eloping lovers had ever fled to in the history of the world: the site of our testing. They became the only known casualties of India's nuclear program... to date.
Some questions will always remain unanswered for me: Where did Anand plan to take the girl? She would never have been allowed into the camp. How did Anand end up where he did? There was supposed to be tight security for miles around d-spot, no living thing bigger than a cat was supposed to be able to penetrate that security cover. How did Anand manage to 'get' the girl in the first place? She was an uneducated, always suppressed, married village girl, who should have been afraid to even look directly at men in her own family, let alone love and flee with a stranger! And above all, was she really his soulmate? Do soulmates really exist?
Concluded.
Soulmates - Part I
Posted on February 9, 2004 16:53 PM EST
Although we were such close and old friends, all three of us were entirely different. Anand (names changed due to reasons of national security) was from a middle class background, the brainiest among the three of us, and also the most dramatic. He had tremendous energy, optimism and enthusiasm for life, and strongly believed in Swami Vivekananda's philosophy, the high quality of Hindustani music, the beauty of Indian dressing style and the existence of soulmates (every time he met a lady, regardless of her age, marital status, etc., he wondered if she might be his soulmate).
Amar (also name changed due to national security) was from a more affluent background compared to the two of us. His father used to be one of the leading scientists in a famous Indian scientific organization. That, and his love of research, inspired him to take up a government job, instead of working for one of the scores of multinationals that came into the country in the '90s. Unlike Anand, he was not very optimistic or enthusiastic - he tended to have a more cynical and pragmatic approach to life. He thought all philosophy was bullshit used by more intelligent people to control the stupid and the gullible masses. For him, the only music worth listening to was the type usually played on MTV and V Channel, the only clothes worth wearing were t-shirts and jeans. He did not believe in soulmates or in marriages or even in fidelity. He thought that every person had different needs and that all of them could never be fulfilled by any one mate, even if it were a soulmate, and so depending on the need of the hour, a person should be free to choose companions.
I come from a much poorer family compared to Anand or Amar. I am neither optimistic nor cynical - I like to think I am simply practical. I have no opinion whatsoever about any philosophy (after all, philosophy is hardly a requirement to lead a practical life). The only music I know is from the movies and the only clothes I wear are made by the tailors in my father's shop, who have been stitching for me from the time I was born. I do not have any opinions about marriages and mates - I have told my mother that she is free to choose any bride for me, provided the girl has a degree (preferably a master's degree) in Physics. In fact, the only things about which I have opinions and ideas are things related to Physics, and occasionally, the expenses of my rather large family, and I think that is enough to lead a practical life.
Despite the differences, the three of us also had much in common - we were graduates of India's no. 1 college, among the most brilliant students to pass out of the college (the principal said that, not me). All three of us have master's degrees in varied branches of the same subject, Physics - Amar got his from an American university. Though the three of us work in different organizations (whose names are not mentioned due to reasons of national security), all of these organizations belong to the Govt. of India, and all three organizations were involved in a top secret project at the time of this story. It was this project that brought us together, to this remote place (not named here due to reasons of national security), in India's Thar desert.
The project was so secretive that, all the scientists working on it were given false designations and id cards that said they were officers in the Indian Army. However, the uniforms we wore were all authentic army issues. The security measures were so tight and the integrity of the people working on the project was such that, each of us knew only those details that pertained to our department's work. Although we each had a fair idea what the other two were doing, the three of us did not discuss the details of our work even among ourselves. May be that is one of the reasons why on that particular evening we were discussing soulmates, of all the subjects you would expect young scientists anywhere in the world to discuss.
We got one of those rare out-passes on Anand's birthday. The only people who got passes to go out were really top guys, and Amar had to pull some strings among people who knew his father, in order to get the passes. Anand thought the whole thing was funny - the way we had to struggle so much just to be able to go out and have fun on the town, if that place (whose name I am not supposed to say), can be called a town. If it was Bangalore (where I work) we would have most probably burnt some money in one of the pubs and then watched an English movie. Here, though, we watched a Hindi movie in an old theater. It was more like a tent made of asbestos sheets, and the projector stopped five times, while all the guys including us whistled and made catcalls like crazy. After the movie, we went to eat in a relatively newer, though I would have liked it to be cleaner, eating place. Anand clearly did not like the food, while Amar relished it. I think some of it was just pretense designed to tease Anand. I personally thought it beat the army food we ate in the camp. We were instructed to refer to the place as a camp. It was a camp with some of best and most expensive scientific gadgets and instruments, and also some of the biggest firecrackers that were ever burst in the country (I checked the security manual which we were supposed to know by heart - there was nothing which said we cannot talk about crackers).
Now that I think about it, the whole day was dominated by talks of soulmates - Anand patiently explaining his theory of each of us being made for some special person, one special person, and Amar equally patiently, and logically, tearing apart his theory piece by piece (or was it argument by argument?), and Anand equally logically putting it back together. I have seen this same scene played out countless times from our college days, only with different subjects. Sometimes their arguments - they call them "discussions" - were fascinating, especially if it had something to do with Physics, but mostly it would be about some useless philosophy that has nothing to do with practical life. Anand's belief was that we are all spiritual beings who are made in pairs, and for some reason, such as forgetting the lessons of life, we are separated from our soulmates, and the purpose of our lives is to learn certain lessons so that we may be reunited with our soulmates. Amar's argument was that there is nothing like spirituality and that we are all nothing more than combinations of chemicals created accidentally and the only purpose of our lives is to live as comfortably as we can and to ensure the propagation of our species. As much as I tried, I could not guess how these two beliefs would affect life practically, and the use for their arguments or discussions.
They were not done aruging when the jeep came to pick us up at a previously agreed upon spot. We were supposed to be back at the camp before it got dark. En route to the camp, in the middle of the desert, there was a sudden and unexpected sand storm. Driving in it was virtually impossible, and staying put in the desert was also dangerous. We could easily get buried, jeep and all, in the sand. The driver told us that he knew of a village near by where we could take shelter until the storm had passed, and he took us there. We were taken to the village headman's house and introduced as army officers. We wore our uniforms, as regulations required us to do when going out of the camp. We got the typical respectful welcome, and were served a kind of sweet roti with goat's milk. My friends still continued to argue, while the headman looked on in awe, without understanding a word of their English. Anand said he wanted to go to the toilet and was shown into the backyard. I thought he took some time to finish and come back.
And later, when the storm had subsided and we were driving back, I found that my friend's arguments had taken a very different, and I thought, totally crazy turn. Anand was claiming he had found his soulmate, and it was the village headman's daughter he had met in their backyard ! To this day I don't know what exactly happened in the backyard, but Anand was convinced she was his soulmate. He had no logical explanation - he just said he felt it "in the gut, in the heart, in the head, in the d__k, heck, everywhere man!" - those were his exact words.
Continued in Part II...
Although we were such close and old friends, all three of us were entirely different. Anand (names changed due to reasons of national security) was from a middle class background, the brainiest among the three of us, and also the most dramatic. He had tremendous energy, optimism and enthusiasm for life, and strongly believed in Swami Vivekananda's philosophy, the high quality of Hindustani music, the beauty of Indian dressing style and the existence of soulmates (every time he met a lady, regardless of her age, marital status, etc., he wondered if she might be his soulmate).
Amar (also name changed due to national security) was from a more affluent background compared to the two of us. His father used to be one of the leading scientists in a famous Indian scientific organization. That, and his love of research, inspired him to take up a government job, instead of working for one of the scores of multinationals that came into the country in the '90s. Unlike Anand, he was not very optimistic or enthusiastic - he tended to have a more cynical and pragmatic approach to life. He thought all philosophy was bullshit used by more intelligent people to control the stupid and the gullible masses. For him, the only music worth listening to was the type usually played on MTV and V Channel, the only clothes worth wearing were t-shirts and jeans. He did not believe in soulmates or in marriages or even in fidelity. He thought that every person had different needs and that all of them could never be fulfilled by any one mate, even if it were a soulmate, and so depending on the need of the hour, a person should be free to choose companions.
I come from a much poorer family compared to Anand or Amar. I am neither optimistic nor cynical - I like to think I am simply practical. I have no opinion whatsoever about any philosophy (after all, philosophy is hardly a requirement to lead a practical life). The only music I know is from the movies and the only clothes I wear are made by the tailors in my father's shop, who have been stitching for me from the time I was born. I do not have any opinions about marriages and mates - I have told my mother that she is free to choose any bride for me, provided the girl has a degree (preferably a master's degree) in Physics. In fact, the only things about which I have opinions and ideas are things related to Physics, and occasionally, the expenses of my rather large family, and I think that is enough to lead a practical life.
Despite the differences, the three of us also had much in common - we were graduates of India's no. 1 college, among the most brilliant students to pass out of the college (the principal said that, not me). All three of us have master's degrees in varied branches of the same subject, Physics - Amar got his from an American university. Though the three of us work in different organizations (whose names are not mentioned due to reasons of national security), all of these organizations belong to the Govt. of India, and all three organizations were involved in a top secret project at the time of this story. It was this project that brought us together, to this remote place (not named here due to reasons of national security), in India's Thar desert.
The project was so secretive that, all the scientists working on it were given false designations and id cards that said they were officers in the Indian Army. However, the uniforms we wore were all authentic army issues. The security measures were so tight and the integrity of the people working on the project was such that, each of us knew only those details that pertained to our department's work. Although we each had a fair idea what the other two were doing, the three of us did not discuss the details of our work even among ourselves. May be that is one of the reasons why on that particular evening we were discussing soulmates, of all the subjects you would expect young scientists anywhere in the world to discuss.
We got one of those rare out-passes on Anand's birthday. The only people who got passes to go out were really top guys, and Amar had to pull some strings among people who knew his father, in order to get the passes. Anand thought the whole thing was funny - the way we had to struggle so much just to be able to go out and have fun on the town, if that place (whose name I am not supposed to say), can be called a town. If it was Bangalore (where I work) we would have most probably burnt some money in one of the pubs and then watched an English movie. Here, though, we watched a Hindi movie in an old theater. It was more like a tent made of asbestos sheets, and the projector stopped five times, while all the guys including us whistled and made catcalls like crazy. After the movie, we went to eat in a relatively newer, though I would have liked it to be cleaner, eating place. Anand clearly did not like the food, while Amar relished it. I think some of it was just pretense designed to tease Anand. I personally thought it beat the army food we ate in the camp. We were instructed to refer to the place as a camp. It was a camp with some of best and most expensive scientific gadgets and instruments, and also some of the biggest firecrackers that were ever burst in the country (I checked the security manual which we were supposed to know by heart - there was nothing which said we cannot talk about crackers).
Now that I think about it, the whole day was dominated by talks of soulmates - Anand patiently explaining his theory of each of us being made for some special person, one special person, and Amar equally patiently, and logically, tearing apart his theory piece by piece (or was it argument by argument?), and Anand equally logically putting it back together. I have seen this same scene played out countless times from our college days, only with different subjects. Sometimes their arguments - they call them "discussions" - were fascinating, especially if it had something to do with Physics, but mostly it would be about some useless philosophy that has nothing to do with practical life. Anand's belief was that we are all spiritual beings who are made in pairs, and for some reason, such as forgetting the lessons of life, we are separated from our soulmates, and the purpose of our lives is to learn certain lessons so that we may be reunited with our soulmates. Amar's argument was that there is nothing like spirituality and that we are all nothing more than combinations of chemicals created accidentally and the only purpose of our lives is to live as comfortably as we can and to ensure the propagation of our species. As much as I tried, I could not guess how these two beliefs would affect life practically, and the use for their arguments or discussions.
They were not done aruging when the jeep came to pick us up at a previously agreed upon spot. We were supposed to be back at the camp before it got dark. En route to the camp, in the middle of the desert, there was a sudden and unexpected sand storm. Driving in it was virtually impossible, and staying put in the desert was also dangerous. We could easily get buried, jeep and all, in the sand. The driver told us that he knew of a village near by where we could take shelter until the storm had passed, and he took us there. We were taken to the village headman's house and introduced as army officers. We wore our uniforms, as regulations required us to do when going out of the camp. We got the typical respectful welcome, and were served a kind of sweet roti with goat's milk. My friends still continued to argue, while the headman looked on in awe, without understanding a word of their English. Anand said he wanted to go to the toilet and was shown into the backyard. I thought he took some time to finish and come back.
And later, when the storm had subsided and we were driving back, I found that my friend's arguments had taken a very different, and I thought, totally crazy turn. Anand was claiming he had found his soulmate, and it was the village headman's daughter he had met in their backyard ! To this day I don't know what exactly happened in the backyard, but Anand was convinced she was his soulmate. He had no logical explanation - he just said he felt it "in the gut, in the heart, in the head, in the d__k, heck, everywhere man!" - those were his exact words.
Continued in Part II...
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Growing Old by Broken Dreams
Posted on February 8, 2004 23:50 PM EST
More than anything else, broken dreams mark the passing of our age. More than passing years, more than life's hard knocks, more than illnesses, it's dreams which break or which we give up on, that make us older. The end of such dreams, mark the end of a whole era in our life.
To understand what I mean, consider some of the dreams we had, which have now ended: dreams of being a superhero, dreams of being like a favorite celebrity star, dreams of some thrilling adventurous career.
When I was a kid, I dreamt of being Phantom. There must be other kids who dreamt of becoming Superman or Spiderman or whatever. Finally realizing that those are impossible characters and we will never be like them is one stage of growing up. From being little boys, we're suddenly bigger boys with that realization.
And then there's the stage of the celebrity dream: how many of us wanted to become a Tendulkar or an Aamir Khan or other such celebrity. For a long time we believe it's possible. Many of us carry this dream well into adolescence or even beyond, until one day the dream is just gone. The bravado - naive and thrilling at the same time - that we would indeed be like these high-profile stars goes away, marking the end of yet another stage in our life.
And of course, there is the dream career. A pilot, an actor, a professional sportsman, a detective, a spy... There are as many fantasy careers as there have been hero's roles in movies and books. For most of us, these fantasy careers disappear around the time we are becoming adults. More than reaching the age that is legally considered adulthood, it's the settling down for a realistic career that marks the real entrance into adulthood for most of us.
In my case, this entry into adulthood was not easy although my fantasy career hopes lasted less time than it must for most others. For a period of time that now seems to be little more than 2 years, I wanted to be a naval officer and when I couldn't make it, I thought my life was done for. It was a scary depressing period for an adolescent me to go through alone, and I even considered suicide. I am laughing at the memory as I type this, because now, the whole suicide idea over that sounds like a ridiculous joke. In retrospect, it's a good thing I did not get into the navy: my hippie heart might not have been the best fit in any disciplined bureaucratic defense force!
These are just 3 examples of such dreams, which make us older in giant steps. There are many more dreams, big and small, which make us older and older. Examples include accepting that we'll never buy that impractical, expensive sportscar we've been admiring, or we'll never marry that hot college queen/hero or model or even an out-of-our-league colleague at work. Being able to dream of these things, without bothering about the details of how we'll get them is the sign of youth. Realizing that we'll probably never get them is the unmistakable sign of growing old.
I had never thought of how giving up on dreams makes us grow so old all of a sudden, until last month. I was humming Ludacris's Stand Up song to myself during the morning dash to office. There's one line in the song which goes: Looking, smelling, feeling like a million bucks! I sang that line and all of a sudden realized that with my current career, the way it is playing out, I would never look, smell and feel like a million bucks in today's dollars terms. That felt like running into a wall and growing about 10 years older, while rushing to the office. I had always assumed I would be a "rich man", without defining exactly what being a "rich man" meant. But in my mind, it must have certainly meant more than a million bucks. And realizing I might never have that, was a sobering growth-spurt I wish I had not had. Especially not early in the morning on the way to work.
I have not given up on the "rich man" dream though. Just realized that continuing as I am now, won't get me there. That realization must be a good thing. Also, it was one of the Rockefeller's, I think, who said that you are not rich enough if you know exactly how much money you have. Since I don't know exactly how much money I have in a handful of bank accounts and investments, I am already rich by Rockefeller's standards! ;-)
More than anything else, broken dreams mark the passing of our age. More than passing years, more than life's hard knocks, more than illnesses, it's dreams which break or which we give up on, that make us older. The end of such dreams, mark the end of a whole era in our life.
To understand what I mean, consider some of the dreams we had, which have now ended: dreams of being a superhero, dreams of being like a favorite celebrity star, dreams of some thrilling adventurous career.
When I was a kid, I dreamt of being Phantom. There must be other kids who dreamt of becoming Superman or Spiderman or whatever. Finally realizing that those are impossible characters and we will never be like them is one stage of growing up. From being little boys, we're suddenly bigger boys with that realization.
And then there's the stage of the celebrity dream: how many of us wanted to become a Tendulkar or an Aamir Khan or other such celebrity. For a long time we believe it's possible. Many of us carry this dream well into adolescence or even beyond, until one day the dream is just gone. The bravado - naive and thrilling at the same time - that we would indeed be like these high-profile stars goes away, marking the end of yet another stage in our life.
And of course, there is the dream career. A pilot, an actor, a professional sportsman, a detective, a spy... There are as many fantasy careers as there have been hero's roles in movies and books. For most of us, these fantasy careers disappear around the time we are becoming adults. More than reaching the age that is legally considered adulthood, it's the settling down for a realistic career that marks the real entrance into adulthood for most of us.
In my case, this entry into adulthood was not easy although my fantasy career hopes lasted less time than it must for most others. For a period of time that now seems to be little more than 2 years, I wanted to be a naval officer and when I couldn't make it, I thought my life was done for. It was a scary depressing period for an adolescent me to go through alone, and I even considered suicide. I am laughing at the memory as I type this, because now, the whole suicide idea over that sounds like a ridiculous joke. In retrospect, it's a good thing I did not get into the navy: my hippie heart might not have been the best fit in any disciplined bureaucratic defense force!
These are just 3 examples of such dreams, which make us older in giant steps. There are many more dreams, big and small, which make us older and older. Examples include accepting that we'll never buy that impractical, expensive sportscar we've been admiring, or we'll never marry that hot college queen/hero or model or even an out-of-our-league colleague at work. Being able to dream of these things, without bothering about the details of how we'll get them is the sign of youth. Realizing that we'll probably never get them is the unmistakable sign of growing old.
I had never thought of how giving up on dreams makes us grow so old all of a sudden, until last month. I was humming Ludacris's Stand Up song to myself during the morning dash to office. There's one line in the song which goes: Looking, smelling, feeling like a million bucks! I sang that line and all of a sudden realized that with my current career, the way it is playing out, I would never look, smell and feel like a million bucks in today's dollars terms. That felt like running into a wall and growing about 10 years older, while rushing to the office. I had always assumed I would be a "rich man", without defining exactly what being a "rich man" meant. But in my mind, it must have certainly meant more than a million bucks. And realizing I might never have that, was a sobering growth-spurt I wish I had not had. Especially not early in the morning on the way to work.
I have not given up on the "rich man" dream though. Just realized that continuing as I am now, won't get me there. That realization must be a good thing. Also, it was one of the Rockefeller's, I think, who said that you are not rich enough if you know exactly how much money you have. Since I don't know exactly how much money I have in a handful of bank accounts and investments, I am already rich by Rockefeller's standards! ;-)
Friday, February 06, 2004
Software Career Soldiers Vs Software Mercenaries
Posted on February 7, 2004 0:15 AM EST
I am a software professional. I have often thought of and said that the software professionals are like soldiers - career soldiers or mercenaries.
Throughout human history, there have been "soldiers" (for want of a better word) who have gone out to explore and conquer new areas and worlds. Some soldiers have gone out with weapons to capture other lands. Some soldiers have gone out with trading goods to conquer other markets. Some have gone out with religious teachings to conquer other cultures, minds, hearts and souls. Us software people go out to explore new geographies and conquer the world with our products and services, with our paychecks and personal presence. Our products and services attempt to influence everything, everything in the world and life is fair game. With our paychecks, we want to buy everything we can afford to, software people being some of the most highly earning groups. With our migrating personal presence (not to mention our products), we are enabling greater cross-cultural interactions than there ever was in currently recorded and known history.
Software professionals can also be compared to professional fighters, in the way their careers play out. The similarity is quite remarkable. Among professional fighters, there are two groups: the career soldier and the mercenary.
The career soldiers are loyal to the country and their force. They most probably joined the force very young and work their way up the ranks in well-defined, predictable career paths. Meteoric rises and downfalls are exceptions rather than the norm. The culture, attitude and behavior of their force become strongly inculcated in their personalities and lives. They seldom change their loyalties. They might have comparatively less varied experiences. The dangers of reaching a dead-end in their professional experiences and career due to bureaucracy and very nature of a large organization is quite real. At the same time, almost all of the top brass are made of career soldiers and not newcomers. Like their careers, their earnings are also very predictable and limited.
The software professionals who join a big organization and spend a greater part of their career in such an organization are very similar to career soldiers. They are usually quite loyal to their organization. Most of them join young. Number of new joinees gets comparatively lesser and lesser up the career path. Most of the top management members have had long proven innings in the same organization or very similar organizations. All the other things I have mentioned above about career soldiers is certainly true for this kind of software professionals also.
And then we have the mercenary soldier. The mercenary soldier is primarily loyal to himself and sells his talents to the highest payer or whoever can help fulfill his own personal goals. A mercenary's rank and title could vary from one assignment to another, depending on the nature of the assignment, the size of the force, etc. So, during his career, a mercenary might bob up and down several times. If suitably talented, a mercenary's chances of quickly shooting up to the higher levels in his force, bypassing several intermediate levels, are better than a career soldier's. Although it is the same task of fighting and killing, the risks and rewards are comparatively higher for mercenaries. Dead-end in career and experience would only be due to a mercenary's own choices or limited talents. There is very less chance that career dead-ends would be reached due to the bureaucracies or nature of the organization, since the mercenary is always ready to change loyalties. Within the same span of time, a mercenary might see more varied types of action in many different places, compared to a career soldier, who could theoretically go through his entire career, without seeing any significant action. The chances of a mercenary being left high and dry to fight his own way out of a mess is higher than that of a similar thing happening to career soldiers.
All the above points that apply to mercenaries also apply to opportunistic software professionals who frequently change jobs for what they perceive to be a better choice.
As we can see, there are pros and cons to both kinds of careers. I will speak from personal experiences now.
I am a career software soldier. I have spent all my working life with one company. I have had several friends who are software mercenaries, by choice or by circumstances. Here is a rough comparison of our careers so far:
By now it's obvious that both paths - the software career soldier's and the software mercenary's - have their pros and cons. How would a young professional at the beginning of her/his career decide if s/he wants to be a career soldier or a mercenary. The answer depends on what her/his long term goals are.
In my opinion, following are some of the main reasons for you, a young professional, to stick in the same organization for a long time.
If at least one or more of the above does not apply to your case, you are better off aggressively seeking different assignments every 24 months or so, or changing the organization you work for. If you are not interested in rising up the corporate management chain, if all you want to do is have a lot of fun doing what you are good at and gain expertise in your chosen fields of interest, you are better off making sure that you get as diverse work experiences as possible. The more diverse your experiences, the more your market value will increase. Moreover, you will end up making lots of industry contacts, which will be invaluable in your career. Of course, any career decisions must be made in light of prevailing job market and personal life circumstances.
Good luck to all fellow soldiers who are out to conquer the world. All the best and have a terrific time.
I am a software professional. I have often thought of and said that the software professionals are like soldiers - career soldiers or mercenaries.
Throughout human history, there have been "soldiers" (for want of a better word) who have gone out to explore and conquer new areas and worlds. Some soldiers have gone out with weapons to capture other lands. Some soldiers have gone out with trading goods to conquer other markets. Some have gone out with religious teachings to conquer other cultures, minds, hearts and souls. Us software people go out to explore new geographies and conquer the world with our products and services, with our paychecks and personal presence. Our products and services attempt to influence everything, everything in the world and life is fair game. With our paychecks, we want to buy everything we can afford to, software people being some of the most highly earning groups. With our migrating personal presence (not to mention our products), we are enabling greater cross-cultural interactions than there ever was in currently recorded and known history.
Software professionals can also be compared to professional fighters, in the way their careers play out. The similarity is quite remarkable. Among professional fighters, there are two groups: the career soldier and the mercenary.
The career soldiers are loyal to the country and their force. They most probably joined the force very young and work their way up the ranks in well-defined, predictable career paths. Meteoric rises and downfalls are exceptions rather than the norm. The culture, attitude and behavior of their force become strongly inculcated in their personalities and lives. They seldom change their loyalties. They might have comparatively less varied experiences. The dangers of reaching a dead-end in their professional experiences and career due to bureaucracy and very nature of a large organization is quite real. At the same time, almost all of the top brass are made of career soldiers and not newcomers. Like their careers, their earnings are also very predictable and limited.
The software professionals who join a big organization and spend a greater part of their career in such an organization are very similar to career soldiers. They are usually quite loyal to their organization. Most of them join young. Number of new joinees gets comparatively lesser and lesser up the career path. Most of the top management members have had long proven innings in the same organization or very similar organizations. All the other things I have mentioned above about career soldiers is certainly true for this kind of software professionals also.
And then we have the mercenary soldier. The mercenary soldier is primarily loyal to himself and sells his talents to the highest payer or whoever can help fulfill his own personal goals. A mercenary's rank and title could vary from one assignment to another, depending on the nature of the assignment, the size of the force, etc. So, during his career, a mercenary might bob up and down several times. If suitably talented, a mercenary's chances of quickly shooting up to the higher levels in his force, bypassing several intermediate levels, are better than a career soldier's. Although it is the same task of fighting and killing, the risks and rewards are comparatively higher for mercenaries. Dead-end in career and experience would only be due to a mercenary's own choices or limited talents. There is very less chance that career dead-ends would be reached due to the bureaucracies or nature of the organization, since the mercenary is always ready to change loyalties. Within the same span of time, a mercenary might see more varied types of action in many different places, compared to a career soldier, who could theoretically go through his entire career, without seeing any significant action. The chances of a mercenary being left high and dry to fight his own way out of a mess is higher than that of a similar thing happening to career soldiers.
All the above points that apply to mercenaries also apply to opportunistic software professionals who frequently change jobs for what they perceive to be a better choice.
As we can see, there are pros and cons to both kinds of careers. I will speak from personal experiences now.
I am a career software soldier. I have spent all my working life with one company. I have had several friends who are software mercenaries, by choice or by circumstances. Here is a rough comparison of our careers so far:
- My job has been relatively secure and predictable. During my career, I have had timely expected progression in career and increases in paycheck. My mercenary friends have had to struggle more. Their job situations have gone through iffy and insecure phases. They have had to work on very short projects and move on to another organization.
- My entire career has been spent working with just three clients and their systems. All the clients and systems have been more or less similar / comparable, the technology has been more or less the same. In the same period of time, my mercenary friends have worked for a handful of companies, with many different clients and their systems. These companies, clients and their systems have significantly differed from each other giving my friends a rich diverse experience with different technologies and people.
- During my career, I have dealt with professionals with a certain kind of work ethic, work style, workplace behavior, etc. My experience has been with more or less predictable professionals. There have been a few difficult / tricky / trying clients to be sure, nevertheless we have had a common platform of accepted professional behavior, habits, and so on. My software mercenary friends have had to deal with more varied people than I have - some good, some not so good, some downright ugly and bad. They are certainly more street-smart in dealing with difficult people. Heck, they are better than me at even negotiating their salaries with their bosses (present or prospective).
- I have had almost predictable increases in my paycheck. My pay has been somewhere around the industry average, for my profile and work, at all times. There have been no insecurities or risks as far as pay is concerned. My software mercenary friends have not had such a secure experience. They have sometimes had to work for very less pay. Due to the changes in assignments and jobs, they have gone through periods of financial unpredictability. If we were to add up our total earnings since we started working, I suppose my total would be higher than theirs. But it's not all bad news for them. There is another side to the coin: if today my mercenary friends were to join my organization, their paycheck would be bigger than mine because of their varied experience. It's ironic but true.
By now it's obvious that both paths - the software career soldier's and the software mercenary's - have their pros and cons. How would a young professional at the beginning of her/his career decide if s/he wants to be a career soldier or a mercenary. The answer depends on what her/his long term goals are.
In my opinion, following are some of the main reasons for you, a young professional, to stick in the same organization for a long time.
- You intend to rise up the corporate management (not project management).
- You are one of those few people in big organizations who manage to land a different assignment every 12 to 18 months. Different in technology, different in responsibilities, different geographic location, etc.
- You manage to rise up the organizational levels very very fast.
- The organization let's you work at the fore-front of cutting-edge technology which has very promising potential.
If at least one or more of the above does not apply to your case, you are better off aggressively seeking different assignments every 24 months or so, or changing the organization you work for. If you are not interested in rising up the corporate management chain, if all you want to do is have a lot of fun doing what you are good at and gain expertise in your chosen fields of interest, you are better off making sure that you get as diverse work experiences as possible. The more diverse your experiences, the more your market value will increase. Moreover, you will end up making lots of industry contacts, which will be invaluable in your career. Of course, any career decisions must be made in light of prevailing job market and personal life circumstances.
Good luck to all fellow soldiers who are out to conquer the world. All the best and have a terrific time.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Zen from Your Own Swami
Posted on February 5, 2004 19:5 PM EST
The heart, I've discovered, is a funny little thing. Everytime you lose a piece of it, it only gets that much heavier!
- 14 June, 1999
*****
Both the masculine and the feminine genders exist in all of us - physically, mentally, spiritually; only the percentage of each gender differs for each of us.
*****
There have always been dreams because there are beauties like you, and there have always been dreamers because there are romantics like me.
- Sometime in mid-Aug '98
*****
The SYNERGY Principle: every thing - animate and inanimate - is invariably attracted by only those things with which it can synergize.
- 14 Aug, 1998
*****
Everything gets moved and shaken; there's more fun in being a mover and shaker (of yourself or of other things) than a moved and shaken.
*****
We are perfect as we are. The purpose of all our learnings and experiences is not so much to teach us new lessons, as to help us realize and accept, with total self-confidence, with no doubt, that we are perfect... and to live that perfection.
- 7 Aug, 2000.
*****
Gifts - including wealth and knowledge and healing and love - have a naturally tendency to be shared and distributed. For, that is what they are really intended for. So, they naturally flow to people who will share and distribute them.
- 5 Dec, 2000.
*****
I am NOT strange or weird. It is just that my actions usually result from a sensitivity that is about a couple levels deeper, a mental process that is about a couple steps further, and imagination that has about a couple more degrees of freedom... than average!
- 11 Jun, 2000.
*****
When I see all the beauty in the world, I am filled with joy.
And then, I THINK - if my life experiences so much beauty,
how much more beautiful it must be. And I am filled with more joy.
And then, I WONDER - if my life is so beautiful,
how beautiful must be my lover, with whom I share this life.
And I am filled with even more joy.
And then, I CONTINUE - if my lover is so beautiful,
how much more beautiful is the goddess, who is manifested as my lover.
And I am delirious with even more joy.
And then, I REALIZE - if my goddess is so beautiful,
how beautiful must be I, to have her in my life.
And I become intoxicated with more and more joy.
And then, I KNOW that we are all ONE - my goddess, my lover, me, all the beauty in the world.
And I am left with no choice but to twirl around with unlimited joy,
spin as a dervish, spin with the Universe, one with the wheel of Life and Love.
- Jul, 2001.
*****
A poor individual might produce great art; a poor society cannot.
- Dec 2003
*****
Bad enough to thrill you and keep you on your toes. Good enough to never hurt you.
- 4 Feb, 2004
*****
When you feel a certain something for a person, you will see a certain something about her/him, even if she is stumbling over b.s.
- 14 Mar, 2005
*****
If you are good at what you do, almost anything you do can get you laid. It is just a matter of finding the one/s who dig/s what you do.
- 13 May, 2005
*****
Trends in popular fashion and popular beliefs lean towards the path which has the highest chances of helping one get laid. This is similar to popular career choices generally leaning towards the ones which get you maximum money and/or power and/or recognition! This is no different from certain birds, fish and whales migrating to locations which have the most favorable conditions for mating.
- 01 Sep, 2005
*****
Almost everything that you can imagine in terms of sexual acts, has already been done before. Coming up with a truly novel sexual act is perhaps, one of the most difficult tasks in the world.
- 26 Sep, 2005
*****
If your attitude/walk is such that your pallu cannot stay steady on your shoulder, even a blanket is not sufficient to cover your shame!
- 30 Sep, 2005
The heart, I've discovered, is a funny little thing. Everytime you lose a piece of it, it only gets that much heavier!
- 14 June, 1999
Both the masculine and the feminine genders exist in all of us - physically, mentally, spiritually; only the percentage of each gender differs for each of us.
There have always been dreams because there are beauties like you, and there have always been dreamers because there are romantics like me.
- Sometime in mid-Aug '98
The SYNERGY Principle: every thing - animate and inanimate - is invariably attracted by only those things with which it can synergize.
- 14 Aug, 1998
Everything gets moved and shaken; there's more fun in being a mover and shaker (of yourself or of other things) than a moved and shaken.
We are perfect as we are. The purpose of all our learnings and experiences is not so much to teach us new lessons, as to help us realize and accept, with total self-confidence, with no doubt, that we are perfect... and to live that perfection.
- 7 Aug, 2000.
Gifts - including wealth and knowledge and healing and love - have a naturally tendency to be shared and distributed. For, that is what they are really intended for. So, they naturally flow to people who will share and distribute them.
- 5 Dec, 2000.
I am NOT strange or weird. It is just that my actions usually result from a sensitivity that is about a couple levels deeper, a mental process that is about a couple steps further, and imagination that has about a couple more degrees of freedom... than average!
- 11 Jun, 2000.
When I see all the beauty in the world, I am filled with joy.
And then, I THINK - if my life experiences so much beauty,
how much more beautiful it must be. And I am filled with more joy.
And then, I WONDER - if my life is so beautiful,
how beautiful must be my lover, with whom I share this life.
And I am filled with even more joy.
And then, I CONTINUE - if my lover is so beautiful,
how much more beautiful is the goddess, who is manifested as my lover.
And I am delirious with even more joy.
And then, I REALIZE - if my goddess is so beautiful,
how beautiful must be I, to have her in my life.
And I become intoxicated with more and more joy.
And then, I KNOW that we are all ONE - my goddess, my lover, me, all the beauty in the world.
And I am left with no choice but to twirl around with unlimited joy,
spin as a dervish, spin with the Universe, one with the wheel of Life and Love.
- Jul, 2001.
A poor individual might produce great art; a poor society cannot.
- Dec 2003
Bad enough to thrill you and keep you on your toes. Good enough to never hurt you.
- 4 Feb, 2004
When you feel a certain something for a person, you will see a certain something about her/him, even if she is stumbling over b.s.
- 14 Mar, 2005
If you are good at what you do, almost anything you do can get you laid. It is just a matter of finding the one/s who dig/s what you do.
- 13 May, 2005
Trends in popular fashion and popular beliefs lean towards the path which has the highest chances of helping one get laid. This is similar to popular career choices generally leaning towards the ones which get you maximum money and/or power and/or recognition! This is no different from certain birds, fish and whales migrating to locations which have the most favorable conditions for mating.
- 01 Sep, 2005
Almost everything that you can imagine in terms of sexual acts, has already been done before. Coming up with a truly novel sexual act is perhaps, one of the most difficult tasks in the world.
- 26 Sep, 2005
If your attitude/walk is such that your pallu cannot stay steady on your shoulder, even a blanket is not sufficient to cover your shame!
- 30 Sep, 2005
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Be the God/dess of Love
Posted on February 4, 2004 19:30 PM EST
There are more ways of looking and experiencing love than there are lovers in the Universe. This is just one of them.
The Heart is the generator. Beauty is the fuel. Beauty flows into the Heart through the senses, and the Heart generates this energy called Love. We are the powerhouse of Love.
The more sensitive and enhanced the senses, the more Beauty flows in through them to the Heart, the more Love it generates.
The purpose of everything we do is to make us better Lovers. The food we eat, the work we do, the games we play, the arts, literature, music, dance - the purpose of everything is to enhance the capacity of our body, mind and soul, the capacity of our senses to feel more Beauty. The more Beauty we feel, the more Love we experience.
Energy is naturally dynamic and flows (with exceptions). So is Love. It has to be expressed. It needs to flow out. A lot of Love gets expressed, flows out through the senses.
Love flowing out of the senses, makes the sense objects more Beautiful. Love flowing through the senses, makes the senses more sensitive. So, the enhanced senses experience more Beauty. The more Beauty there is, the more Love is generated, which again flows out through the senses, make everything even more Beautiful. Thus Love and Beauty form an ever increasing, never ending, cycle of tides and waves between the Lover and the Universe.
The flow of Love and Beauty between the Lover and the Universe raise and raise, until their Vibes start resonating together in Unison. The Lover feels an incredible One-ness with the Universe, with everything and everyone in it. This One-ness is hard to describe in words. It can only be experienced. Such a Lover experiences all the Pain, Pleasure and Beauty in the Universe. Yet S/he remains in perfect Equanimity, in Harmony, in Love.
The Perfect Resonance between the Vibes of the Lover and the Universe results in an incredibly enhanced relationship between the two. The Lover experiences everything in the Universe. The Lover loves everyone. The Universe responds to the Lover as if S/he is the God/dess. The Lover imagines / requests / ordains and the Universe manifests. It is called Miracle!
Thus the Lover lets Beauty and Love flow through Her/Him and discovers that S/he is the God/dess.
So, who's beautiful? Who's up for some luvin'? Who's up to play the / with the God/dess?
There are more ways of looking and experiencing love than there are lovers in the Universe. This is just one of them.
The Heart is the generator. Beauty is the fuel. Beauty flows into the Heart through the senses, and the Heart generates this energy called Love. We are the powerhouse of Love.
The more sensitive and enhanced the senses, the more Beauty flows in through them to the Heart, the more Love it generates.
The purpose of everything we do is to make us better Lovers. The food we eat, the work we do, the games we play, the arts, literature, music, dance - the purpose of everything is to enhance the capacity of our body, mind and soul, the capacity of our senses to feel more Beauty. The more Beauty we feel, the more Love we experience.
Energy is naturally dynamic and flows (with exceptions). So is Love. It has to be expressed. It needs to flow out. A lot of Love gets expressed, flows out through the senses.
Love flowing out of the senses, makes the sense objects more Beautiful. Love flowing through the senses, makes the senses more sensitive. So, the enhanced senses experience more Beauty. The more Beauty there is, the more Love is generated, which again flows out through the senses, make everything even more Beautiful. Thus Love and Beauty form an ever increasing, never ending, cycle of tides and waves between the Lover and the Universe.
The flow of Love and Beauty between the Lover and the Universe raise and raise, until their Vibes start resonating together in Unison. The Lover feels an incredible One-ness with the Universe, with everything and everyone in it. This One-ness is hard to describe in words. It can only be experienced. Such a Lover experiences all the Pain, Pleasure and Beauty in the Universe. Yet S/he remains in perfect Equanimity, in Harmony, in Love.
The Perfect Resonance between the Vibes of the Lover and the Universe results in an incredibly enhanced relationship between the two. The Lover experiences everything in the Universe. The Lover loves everyone. The Universe responds to the Lover as if S/he is the God/dess. The Lover imagines / requests / ordains and the Universe manifests. It is called Miracle!
Thus the Lover lets Beauty and Love flow through Her/Him and discovers that S/he is the God/dess.
So, who's beautiful? Who's up for some luvin'? Who's up to play the / with the God/dess?
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Aged and Ageless
Posted on February 3, 2004 19:50 PM EST
The age factor is a little dubious sometimes or a lot dubious most of the times depending on who you are. Take sex or alcohol rules for instance. Laws in certain places say that a person becomes eligible for adult consensual sex or independent alcohol consumption at a certain age. Individually speaking, what exactly changed on the birthday of the person that makes her/him ready for sex or alcohol? How exactly is a guy who drinks himself silly at the bar on his 21st birthday different from what he was just the previous day?
The simple and straight answer is that the law has to draw the line somewhere and age is the most unambiguous way to make sure that underage people don't get harmed. I buy that argument. But in individual cases, it can make a huge difference to lives.
For example, recently I read about some guy in his 30's who got prosecuted on child-molestation charges, because he had sex with a 17 year old girl. 17 years is legally underage in most states of the US. The twist to the tale is that, this girl had a history of sex (including anal sex) with a boy from her school. If she had been just a few more months older, this guy would not be in the dumps now.
Or consider the interesting hypothetical case that was put forward by an American friend who first explained to me these legalities of age. For the more imaginative of you and for the record, let me state that I was not thinking of "going out" with any underage person when she explained it to me. We just happened to be driving by a prison and started talking of law and lawsuits and such. Anyway, the hypothetical case is about a 17-year-old guy who is 8 months older than his 17-year-old girlfriend. The guy is quite safe with his girlfriend until he turns 18. Once he is 18, he cannot make-out with her for 8 more months until she is 18 too. If he does, he could be charged for molestation of a minor and sent to jail!
My own run-in with age comes when people ask my age. It's somewhat understandable when people ask the age for formal records like the driver's license or the passport, etc. But what about when people ask the age for reasons, such as trying to assess your personality based on your age? Or to draw whatever conclusions people who ask the age draw from answers given? That is what gets me! For, in my case (as in many other people I am sure), age is just one of many factors (that too a small one), which contribute to the personality.
So, when such people ask my age, I don't feel right answering them straight. Why should I stick to 27 years of age, simply for being born in 1976? What does being a 27-year-old mean? If I were to go purely by my personality, the number 27 doesn't seem to stick well. My physical appearance is certainly older than 27 as most people have told me. My mind sometimes works as if it's even more older than my older looks. My heart is simply as old as the age of the mood and the moment - sometimes I am 5 years old, sometimes 55, sometimes 500! As for my soul, it is timeless. As if that's not enough, Realage.com says I am 23 years old! Now how can a man say what his meaningful age is vis-à-vis any aspect of his personality?
Oh, let me state for the record that my hesitation in giving out my age has nothing to do with the well-known vanity of older people. My hesitation is simply because of not being able to find an age that suits me by the stereotypical definitions. Since I like to be a stereotype breaker, I go ahead and tell them, I am aged and ageless!
Are there other aged and ageless kids out there who wanna come and play with me? :-P
The age factor is a little dubious sometimes or a lot dubious most of the times depending on who you are. Take sex or alcohol rules for instance. Laws in certain places say that a person becomes eligible for adult consensual sex or independent alcohol consumption at a certain age. Individually speaking, what exactly changed on the birthday of the person that makes her/him ready for sex or alcohol? How exactly is a guy who drinks himself silly at the bar on his 21st birthday different from what he was just the previous day?
The simple and straight answer is that the law has to draw the line somewhere and age is the most unambiguous way to make sure that underage people don't get harmed. I buy that argument. But in individual cases, it can make a huge difference to lives.
For example, recently I read about some guy in his 30's who got prosecuted on child-molestation charges, because he had sex with a 17 year old girl. 17 years is legally underage in most states of the US. The twist to the tale is that, this girl had a history of sex (including anal sex) with a boy from her school. If she had been just a few more months older, this guy would not be in the dumps now.
Or consider the interesting hypothetical case that was put forward by an American friend who first explained to me these legalities of age. For the more imaginative of you and for the record, let me state that I was not thinking of "going out" with any underage person when she explained it to me. We just happened to be driving by a prison and started talking of law and lawsuits and such. Anyway, the hypothetical case is about a 17-year-old guy who is 8 months older than his 17-year-old girlfriend. The guy is quite safe with his girlfriend until he turns 18. Once he is 18, he cannot make-out with her for 8 more months until she is 18 too. If he does, he could be charged for molestation of a minor and sent to jail!
My own run-in with age comes when people ask my age. It's somewhat understandable when people ask the age for formal records like the driver's license or the passport, etc. But what about when people ask the age for reasons, such as trying to assess your personality based on your age? Or to draw whatever conclusions people who ask the age draw from answers given? That is what gets me! For, in my case (as in many other people I am sure), age is just one of many factors (that too a small one), which contribute to the personality.
So, when such people ask my age, I don't feel right answering them straight. Why should I stick to 27 years of age, simply for being born in 1976? What does being a 27-year-old mean? If I were to go purely by my personality, the number 27 doesn't seem to stick well. My physical appearance is certainly older than 27 as most people have told me. My mind sometimes works as if it's even more older than my older looks. My heart is simply as old as the age of the mood and the moment - sometimes I am 5 years old, sometimes 55, sometimes 500! As for my soul, it is timeless. As if that's not enough, Realage.com says I am 23 years old! Now how can a man say what his meaningful age is vis-à-vis any aspect of his personality?
Oh, let me state for the record that my hesitation in giving out my age has nothing to do with the well-known vanity of older people. My hesitation is simply because of not being able to find an age that suits me by the stereotypical definitions. Since I like to be a stereotype breaker, I go ahead and tell them, I am aged and ageless!
Are there other aged and ageless kids out there who wanna come and play with me? :-P
Monday, February 02, 2004
Mysore Masala Vs Madras Masala
Posted on February 2, 2004 18:14 PM EST
Until recently, I did not know that there are two kinds of masala dosas! Mysore masala and Madras masala. I am not considering other variations like Rava Masala here. Just talking of the basic masala dosa. Funny I had to come to the US to know that difference. We visited the San Franciso Bay Area over the Martin Luther King Day weekend. One day we dined at Saravana Bhavan and the next day at Udupi Palace. And that is what led to discovery of the difference. We hogged at both places like MGPs (Male Gluttunous Pigs).
I really liked the South Indian breakfast food at Saravana Bhavan. It was much better than any other place in the US, where I have eaten South Indian breakfast dishes. However, except for the coffee, I thought some key factor was lacking in all the other dishes we had there.
Next day at the Udupi Palace, I really loved the breakfast food. THIS was the South Indian breakfast I was deprived of in the US. I was singing high-praise of the food to my two Tamizh friends, who nodded their heads in agreement. And then I told them the food in Udupi Palace is better than Saravana Bhavan. They opposed me with immediate assertive force. It was then that I realized even within South India, among the same dishes, there is a difference between how it is made in Tamil Nadu (where my friends come from) and in Karnataka (to which I belong). The difference in tastes was most discernible in the vada-sambar and the masala dosa.
The menu at Udupi Palace cleared the doubt for us regarding the masala dosa. There is apparently a Mysore masala dosa and a Madras masala dosa. When the Mysore masala dosa is prepared, it is smeared with some red hot masala mix, where as, the Madras masala dosa does not have this masala.
My friends tried to convince me that Madras masala dosa is the authentic masala dosa. My question was, if there is no masala, why is it even called masala dosa. I declared that masala is not even a Tamizh word and so, Madras masala dosa is not authentic. Ha-ha! My friends did not know what to say, except to fume at me.
I will be grateful to dear readers if they can confirm my mere hunch that masala is not really a Tamizh word and provide me with the pure Tamizh equivalent. I will even buy that reader masala dosa if we ever happen to meet in a town with a South Indian restaurant.
Meanwhile, I am grateful to both Saravana Bhavan and Udupi Palace for providing so far from home, South Indian food, which is good enough that we were arguing about the subtle differences in taste and semantics of the word masala rather than getting depressed over the lousy taste of dosas, which is what happens at most other Indian restaurants I visit in the US.
Until recently, I did not know that there are two kinds of masala dosas! Mysore masala and Madras masala. I am not considering other variations like Rava Masala here. Just talking of the basic masala dosa. Funny I had to come to the US to know that difference. We visited the San Franciso Bay Area over the Martin Luther King Day weekend. One day we dined at Saravana Bhavan and the next day at Udupi Palace. And that is what led to discovery of the difference. We hogged at both places like MGPs (Male Gluttunous Pigs).
I really liked the South Indian breakfast food at Saravana Bhavan. It was much better than any other place in the US, where I have eaten South Indian breakfast dishes. However, except for the coffee, I thought some key factor was lacking in all the other dishes we had there.
Next day at the Udupi Palace, I really loved the breakfast food. THIS was the South Indian breakfast I was deprived of in the US. I was singing high-praise of the food to my two Tamizh friends, who nodded their heads in agreement. And then I told them the food in Udupi Palace is better than Saravana Bhavan. They opposed me with immediate assertive force. It was then that I realized even within South India, among the same dishes, there is a difference between how it is made in Tamil Nadu (where my friends come from) and in Karnataka (to which I belong). The difference in tastes was most discernible in the vada-sambar and the masala dosa.
The menu at Udupi Palace cleared the doubt for us regarding the masala dosa. There is apparently a Mysore masala dosa and a Madras masala dosa. When the Mysore masala dosa is prepared, it is smeared with some red hot masala mix, where as, the Madras masala dosa does not have this masala.
My friends tried to convince me that Madras masala dosa is the authentic masala dosa. My question was, if there is no masala, why is it even called masala dosa. I declared that masala is not even a Tamizh word and so, Madras masala dosa is not authentic. Ha-ha! My friends did not know what to say, except to fume at me.
I will be grateful to dear readers if they can confirm my mere hunch that masala is not really a Tamizh word and provide me with the pure Tamizh equivalent. I will even buy that reader masala dosa if we ever happen to meet in a town with a South Indian restaurant.
Meanwhile, I am grateful to both Saravana Bhavan and Udupi Palace for providing so far from home, South Indian food, which is good enough that we were arguing about the subtle differences in taste and semantics of the word masala rather than getting depressed over the lousy taste of dosas, which is what happens at most other Indian restaurants I visit in the US.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
Alai Payuthey
Posted on February 1, 2004 21:11 PM EST
After literally years of anticipation, I finally watched the movie Alai Payuthey, last night on DVD. I thought it must be real tough to find South Indians (especially a Tamizhian) who have not seen a few-years-old Mani Ratnam movie. Yet to my surprise, I had with me two friends here who had also not seen the movie and one of them is a Tamizhian!
We all liked the movie. Narrated well in classic Mani Ratnam style, it managed to keep our attention through-out. I liked the absence of filmi over-dramatization of the wooing process. I had expected more in the second half of the movie though. I had been told that the second half is about marital problems of the lead pair. Their fights seemed nothing more than childish squabbles - no deeper differences that lead to serious discord in couples. And then, the way the female lead character suspects her husband of being involved with her sister was also pretty lame. Only a director of the calibre of Mani Ratnam could get away with such drawbacks without making the movie look lame.
And of course, Rehman's songs in Alai Payuthey are as good as they most often are. The movie turned out to be a highy successful introduction to the lead artists Madhavan and the grown up Shalini, who was introduced in movies as a child artist, barely able to talk properly. Shalini is very radiant and has an incredibly subtle and deep screen presence. I could have a crush on her!
A very watchable movie. Now let me go and listen to its songs like I have been doing all day today.
After literally years of anticipation, I finally watched the movie Alai Payuthey, last night on DVD. I thought it must be real tough to find South Indians (especially a Tamizhian) who have not seen a few-years-old Mani Ratnam movie. Yet to my surprise, I had with me two friends here who had also not seen the movie and one of them is a Tamizhian!
We all liked the movie. Narrated well in classic Mani Ratnam style, it managed to keep our attention through-out. I liked the absence of filmi over-dramatization of the wooing process. I had expected more in the second half of the movie though. I had been told that the second half is about marital problems of the lead pair. Their fights seemed nothing more than childish squabbles - no deeper differences that lead to serious discord in couples. And then, the way the female lead character suspects her husband of being involved with her sister was also pretty lame. Only a director of the calibre of Mani Ratnam could get away with such drawbacks without making the movie look lame.
And of course, Rehman's songs in Alai Payuthey are as good as they most often are. The movie turned out to be a highy successful introduction to the lead artists Madhavan and the grown up Shalini, who was introduced in movies as a child artist, barely able to talk properly. Shalini is very radiant and has an incredibly subtle and deep screen presence. I could have a crush on her!
A very watchable movie. Now let me go and listen to its songs like I have been doing all day today.
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