When was the last time you were hugged?

Posted on February 10, 2004 19:7 PM EST

When was the last time you danced? When was the last time you were hugged?

There are two wonderful things missing in contemporary Indian culture and I wish that were not so. Our culture would have been even more nicer if we had these two things. And they are:

1. Dancing.
2. Physical expression of affection.

Dancing

When I say dancing, I am not thinking of just the gyrations of young people in clubs and pubs. I am also talking of family and community dancing. We have all seen TV programs or movies which show people of other cultures come together during special occasions, and everybody dances with everybody else as a family and community. Many cultures of all types - urban, country and tribal - have the custom of community dancing. It is so nice to see and it is even better to participate in such a custom. The warmth and the camaraderie and togetherness expressed and shared among people touching and swaying together to music is wonderful to see and take part in. Indian families and communities no doubt feel the warmth and camaraderie, but expressing the feelings by dancing together is to take it to another level. To understand what I mean, take the example of a wedding in your family or a public festival (Ganesha Chaturthi) in your neighborhood, and imagine everybody in your family or in your neighborhood dancing together, with smiles and warm friendship, as part of the celebration. If your desi conditioning does not allow you to imagine such group dancing, then remember the movie Lagaan? How would you like to part of a community like the village in that movie, where everyone comes together to sing and dance, sharing the good times and the bad? Nice, na? Hmm... I am already imagining a wedding in which all the women from the other side are fair game on the dance floor. Hee-hee!

I have participated in such family occasions and public gatherings here in the US, where everybody - young and old - dances together. I did not have my own family with me then, but there were friends and their families. It was a wonderful experience. I understand that our Indian society is structured differently. I understand that there might be riots at a wedding if some guy got overly close to a girl from the other side on the dance floor. But I wish it were different. I think it would be different if we were more comfortable with physical expression of affection, which brings us to the next thing we are missing.

Physical Expression of Affection

Frequent and physical display of affection (mostly as hugs) is something I have really enjoyed here in the US, with people who are close to me. It feels really good. It's a pleasant affirmation of the good feelings we have for each other. It's good to have the warm feelings, but it's great to express it physically. By severely containing physical display of affection in Indian culture, we are missing something precious.

I have read of studies which show that between two babies, one nurtured with physical closeness and touch and affection from her/his parents and the other one with no such physical attention, all other factors like food, activity, etc. being the same, the former flourished and grew up to be healthier and stronger than the latter.

In India, once we have grown beyond being babies, we are totally deprived of physical affection until we find mates. I mean, how many of us, Indians with no mates currently or in the recent past, can remember the last time we were hugged?

Even among people with partners in India, physical affection seems to be at a premium, confined to the privacy of the bedroom. I feel it's ridiculous. I mean, imagine watching a romantic movie with your wife and feeling an urge to kiss her in the middle of it, and then having to wait till you go back home to your bedroom, before you can kiss. Or imagine your husband saying or doing something really cute for which you want to give him a big hug, but you have to hold back until later because the whole family is around. The moment of romance passes and who knows you might have an argument or disagreement later over something else and there might be no kisses or hugs for that day. So sad!

When I was a kid, I really liked the fact that men and women in movies expressed affection freely. In fact, I did not know that husbands and wives in real life did hug and kiss in the privacy of their bedrooms. I was so totally isolated from physical display of love in real life that I truly thought husbands and wives did not even touch each other affectionately! Obviously I was a very small kid then. But I decided that when I grew up and was ready to get married, I would tell my wife-to-be that if she was going to be my wife, she should be ready to share hugs and kisses! Funny, but pathetic, no?

Now I know a little more about Indian husbands and wives. But I still think the situation is pathetic. For example, I believe that if my last girlfriend had been the average Indian girl, I might have gotten much less kisses than I actually did. And what few kisses I did manage to get from my imaginary Indian girlfriend, would have been mostly stolen ones in those rare private moments. Scary thought that! And oh, apologies, heartfelt congratulations and many kisses to desi girls who are different from this scary average!

Friends, we have to change this situation. We can't wait and expect the rules of our society to be changed by some government decree or some sudden shift in thinking. It's something we have to do ourselves, slowly through repeated action. Let us all vow to show more physical affection to our family, friends, relatives, and most important of all, to our lovers. If it is done in public, so much better! I, for one, vow that the next desi girlfriend I have, at least one of the first three occasions when we kiss will be in public!

Addendum: I must mention here few things which readers were quick to point out. Thanks to those readers. Our community dance forms like dandia are commendable, athough not very widespread. I really appreciate and am proud of the physical affection that desi babies traditionally get and the same goes for the sharing of physical affection among same-gender buddies too. Otherwise, the fact remains that Indians are deprived of physical affection (sexual or otherwise) compared to most Westerners.