No means no!

Posted on February 11, 2004 23:14 PM EST

No means no! That's another thing I've really learnt to appreciate here in the US. People know how to give a "no". People know how to take a "no". I have heard that kids are actually taught in schools how to say and understand a "no". They learn very early on that, "No means no"!

As a guy who spent around a quarter century training a mom, a grandmom and assorted aunts that no means no, I really appreciate the American "no". I will never ever be able to count the number of times I have said no to one more helping of rice, only to be simply ignored and my plate heaped on; the number of times I have lost my temper and simply walked away from my plate mid-meal; the number of times relatives have thought I was being a rude bad boy just because I said a no.

I appreciate the American "no", even more as an earnest young man who "played the field" in des. So many desi girls couldn't convey a simple and assertive no. They gave such an ambiguous and half-hearted "no", you were left wondering if it would change to a "yes" if you pursued her more vigorously or convinced her best girlfriend that you were really a good boy with honest intentions or if you just simply showed up at her home to talk to her mom. I have a friend who pursued a girl for years, despite her no's. This year, nine years after they first met, they are gonna get married. I always tell him that I am in awe of his tenacity. I have another friend who gave me a "no" for the better part of a year. She then got engaged, married and went away. Years later we happened to be talking and she told me that if she had not been engaged when she did and if I pursued her for a few more months (despite all her no's, which fool-for-love-I would most probably have done), her "no" would have changed to a "yes"! She was quick to add that her husband and her are a made-for-each-other-couple, and we agreed that it was all probably ordained by destiny and not influenced by anybody's "yes" or "no". Certainly not a desi girl's.

When I was a kid, Father never said a direct "no" to our many childish requests which could have been something as common as going on the class excursion or as uncommon as getting a snake as a pet. He always said "We'll see". Pretty soon we knew that, "We'll see", really meant a "no". Even today, there are times when I am driven up the wall by the ambiguous responses of desi friends to my countless plans and proposals for things-to-do, places-to-eat-at, spots-to-go-to!

Indians love ambiguity. We have a whole bunch of phrases that translate roughly to, "It's okay", "It's alrighty", "It doesn't matter" and that most unique thing of all, the Indian nod-shake! I have no qualms admitting that the Indian ambiguity, including even that notorious nod-shake, has its uses and charms. However, having "played the field" in the US with varying degrees of hits and misses, I have tremendous respect, admiration and gratitude for feminine assertiveness.

I send out an earnest appeal to all desi girls (and some guys too) to please, please keep the ambiguity out of the Great Game That Men And Women Play. As usual, much love, respect and kisses to those girls who already follow this advice!