I once had this friend complain to me about how guys are so nice and caring in the wooing stage, and how once they get the girl and are in a relationship, they become selfish and bother only about their own needs. Following is the letter I wrote to her.
27th Aug ’99
Hello P,
The day after I talked to you in mid-July, I was thinking about the various things you’d said concerning guys and selfishness, and I came up with a good analogy. I find it so good that, I can’t resist sharing it with you. Hence this letter.
Well, the analogy is that of a dance, an intensely physical activity. Though this analogy is physical, know that it can be scaled up and down to other levels of a relationship – mental, emotional, spiritual; in fact, to the whole relationship itself. I am limiting myself here to the guy-girl relationship. May be we could apply it with/without some modification to guy-guy and girl-girl relationships too.
Now, where do I start? Okay, I personally don’t know if it’s true, but it’s generally considered that the natural instinct of the feminine body is to submit, to get down and under, to give in, to be uh, soft and warm, and the natural instinct of the male body is to dominate, to get on and on top, to take, to be hard and hot. Even if it’s not true, whether we agree or not, we have enough people behaving as if it’s true!
When a feminine body and a masculine one come close together, it’s like two dancers coming together on the dance floor. However, when these two bodies come close, the instinct that I’ve mentioned in the previous paragraph takes over. Whatever the reasons for this could be – be it the sheer physical proximity, or be it the years of mental conditioning, or something else, the two people end up indulging in what I call the Dance of One. It’s a dance in which the two bodies come together to become one, to move and feel and act and enjoy as one.
I refuse to believe that a girl and a guy come together only to dance the dance of one. However, when this happens, when they repeatedly indulge in just the dance of one, when the two bodies do just what they are supposed to do according to the instincts and definitions of their gender, both the guy and the girl would soon get bored and feel unfulfilled. I can assure you that even if they used every technique and position and posture that has been invented and discovered, from the times of the Kamasutra to the modern times, they will still not be satisfied. Though they follow the natural instinct of their bodies, the purpose for which they came together was not just that; I would like to think that there’s also another thing, something called the Dance of Two.
When I say dance, I am talking about not any one particular form of dance. It’s rather a combination of everything – the discipline and control of classical dance forms, the tight co-ordination and grace of ballet, the formality of a ball dance, the skill, speed and balance of acrobatics and gymnastics, the basic earthiness of tribal and folk dances, and a lot of other things, from a lot of other dance forms. For want of a better word, I call it the Dance of Life. And, this dance of life is made of both the dance of two and the dance of one.
The dance of two involves a good understanding of one’s own body and that of the partner. Each person should understand just how much s/he can stretch herself/himself and how much the partner can stretch. Each should know what their own body, and what their partner’s body can and cannot do. Each should have a sense of her/his own movement, speed and balance, as well as that of the partner. Each should know just how far s/he can go away from the partner without the dance turning into a couple of solo performances happening simultaneously.
Both should never forget where one begins and the other ends, what each one’s limitations are, boundaries are. There must be an awareness of what to expect from the partner, and what not to expect. There must be perfect understanding of who should place the next step, and where. There must be no confusion with one partner placing her/his foot on the spot where the other partner should have, no violation at all of the personal spaces. There must be a studied and totally conscious management of the distance and spacing between the bodies – at times so close as to appear as one body, at times just holding hands, at times so far that even the finger tips of outstretched hands barely touch, and at times not touching at all.
Both should be deeply aware of and understand the music to which they are performing. They must be able to change their movements as the music changes, with co-ordination, in unison. By their movements, they must be able to signal the musicians what type of music they would like next. They must also be able to take the challenge of dancing to any type of music the musicians may come up with.
I feel that only when two people learn all these nuances of the dance of two, they can successfully indulge in the dance of one, to share pleasure, to give satisfaction, and not to mention, to evoke a sweet desire for more.
It’s sad that usually, two people who actually come together to dance the Dance of Life, involving both the dance of two and the dance of one, very often rush to the dance of one without properly mastering the dance of two. The result is that they are neither fully aware of their own body nor their partner’s body nor the interaction between the two. And so, they can hardly give or get the kind of unique pleasure and satisfaction they need and deserve. In such a situation, there can hardly be any desire for more. The guy might look like a selfish pig who treats the girl like a slave, and/or, the girl might start to seem like a bitch who revels in giving him a bad time. Either the relationship breaks or goes into a state of compromise, with a lot of potential and need sadly unfulfilled.
You can easily substitute the mind, the emotions, the spirit or the complete person in place of the body in the above paragraphs and see that all of this still holds, for two people in a relationship. By dance, I mean all the things that we do with our partner, and by music, I mean all the events and things that happen in life, events and things to which we react and respond with our partner.
Let’s first learn to dance the dance of two, and then move on to the dance of one. This is one place where two should come before one. Let’s first know our self and our partner, and the interaction between us, and then we can think of combining everything into a beautiful dance of one.
Happy learning and happy dancing!
For Beauty’s Sake,
Libran Lover
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