A few months ago, the NY Times published a set of 15 Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying.
I am nowhere close to getting married now. But as an intellectual exercise, I thought it would be interesting to answer these questions now, and then see how I will answer these questions when I am actually getting married. After all, I am answering these questions alone now, and when I am closer to getting married, I will be answering these with somebody else. So, here are the questions and my answers to them.
Q: Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
Yes, we will have children. The mother will be the primary care giver. I will be the primary bread earner.
Q: Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
Yes, we have three financial goals:
1. Use our money to ensure a comfortable living, to express our love by buying things which will please each other, and provide security to both of us.
2. Use our money to keep our children educated and healthy.
3. Use our money to provide for a secure retirement - this is an extension of the first, I guess.
Do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? We will trust and support each other's judgment, of course. We will both be sensible for the most part... With an occasional bout of impulsiveness to delight and excite each other. I mean, how can I resist an expensive necklace, if that will delight her to the point of seducing me wearing the necklace and nothing else that evening? Or a trip to a beautiful place to make everlasting romantic memories?
Q: Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
The house will be clean. That's the primary thing. Since I expect to be the primary bread winner, I guess my wife will be the primary manager of the house itself. She will decide what goes where, what color, what decor, what brand of paper towels, etc. I will help her (or bother her! ;-)) when she cooks, cleans, does the dishes. We will also have special days and nights when I'll play master chef.
Q: Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
We will. My full physical history is more or less disclosed. The final tests are awaited. I don't have any history of mental issues.
Q: Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
This will be a certain "yes". If not, if there are any doubts, there is no point getting married, is there? It makes me happy when my partner is happy with my affections.
Q: Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
Yes, of course. It's nice to be able to do that.
Q: Will there be a television in the bedroom?
No, of course, not. In the bedroom, all our attention will be on sleep... or on each other! ;-) Or may be on the books we are reading... or reading to each other.
Q: Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
I think I do. Even during the times I don't, I try my sincere best to do.
Q: Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
We are committed to Sanaatana Dharma. We will live our life for the Dharmic actualization of dharma, artha, kāma and mokṣa.
Our children will be exposed to our Dharma from the moment they are made. For, they will be made with our love, which stands on the steady, deep and firm foundation of our Dharma.
If I am not able to introduce my children to certain aspects of Dharma because of my caste, my wife and her family will introduce them. It is important for us that our children the guidance, encouragement and exposure to the right path.
Q: Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
I hope we do.
Q: Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
Our parents have played a significant role in making us who we are. If we value and respect each other, we will almost certainly value and respect each other's parents also. Our parents will be integral part of our lives. However, they will not "interfere" in our relationship. I will certainly not allow anybody - friends, family or parents - to alienate me from my wife.
Q: What does my family do that annoys you?
Don't know. I hope there won't be anything serious.
Q: Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
Yes - each other!
Q: If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
I am already far from my family... Eventually, when my parents are much older, they will end up living with us. Her parents, may not live with us. But I hope they will be close. I have seen too many friends and colleagues in the near past, who had to rush to India (from the US) in a hurry, when their parents fell ill. I wouldn't want to put my wife or myself through that.
Q: Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
Yes, of course. Once again, there is no point in getting married if we were not confident of that - confident not only in the other person, but also confident in our own hearts.
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I've read these before and they're just too scary to think about right now.
ReplyDeleteThe full concept of planning in advance before a marriage is a nice idea if marriage is a business. I am a hopeless romantic that believes marriage happens and lasts because we choose to live together through thick or thin. We will cross the river together when we reach it. No need to build a bridge upfront and stree ourselves.
ReplyDeleteubershek - You have a point. But these questions refer to some of our most basic values and principles. I think shared values and principles go a long way in building a strong foundation, for a strong relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhat if your fiance had a career too? Do you expect her to give it up after getting married?
ReplyDeleteI find that so common with India born Indian guys. They don't let you spend any money--they take care of the bills and they also don't want to do anything around the house and expect you to keep the house clean and keep them fed.
What if she doesn't want to give up her career and want to keep working after marriage? Then how is household chores split? Or is it deal breaker if she wants to keep working after marriage?
To make it even a tougher question, what if she is a professional making more money than you--a guy driving a cab or working in a gas station? Do you still expect her to give up her job?
Your reply is greatly appreciated.
Hello DatedaPunjabiGuy,
ReplyDeleteNone of what you mentioned are deal-breakers.
If the person I love wants to have a career, I will support her decision and do what I can help her have a successful career.
As for making more money than me - that wouldn't bother me as a stand-alone fact. However, a lot would depend on what effect that has on our relationship. Will her higher income eventually make her 'the man' in the relationship? Will she respect me less if I make less money? Most women can't respect or be with a man who makes less money than them. So, your question is not something to be addressed to the guy alone. It's something that both the people in the marriage should answer.
Also, regardless of whether she has a career or not, she would be my equal partner. Meaning that, she would have access to money, she will have the freedom to pay bills or make purchases as she prefers and likes. I expect to totally trust my wife with all my money.
Hope that answers your questions.
LL
Since you are in the US and parents in India (assuming), what do you mean when you say they will live with you? Will you go to India and live with them? Because there is no way with the current immigration system in the US that they can live with you all the time? What about their likes and dislikes? The probably will not enjoy it here, given the background and culture they grew up in India. What are your thoughts about such problems?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - I am aware of these questions, although I have not actively considered them. My parents are still relatively young (I hope) and it is early to consider them. But the bottomline is that whether I'll live in India or in the US, they will end up with me because I am the oldest and only son. They are my responsibility.
ReplyDeleteConcerning the guidelines. What about major changes over time? What if a spouse becomes seriously ill, and permanently affects the relationship? Would you abandon this person that originally fit all your guideline criteria? What if it was you that totally changed? In a prior blog, you spoke of suidcide and not wanting to live. Speaking from professional experience - this is a serious illness, which will continue to surface through life, and requires medical attention. What is your thought on this?
ReplyDeleteGarmeer,
ReplyDeleteOne cannot plan for every eventuality in life. We can only cross some bridges when we come to them.
I wouldn't abandon my spouse or partner if she was permanently ill.
As for talk of suicide being a permanent illness - I guess that makes almost everybody in the world permanently ill, does it not? I mean, everybody thinks/talks of suicide at one point or another in life.
BTW, what type of professional experience do you have? Is it in psychiatry? I think that by its very nature psychiatry gives the name of an illness to almost every characteristic or personality. From psychiatry's point of view, everybody is either already mentally ill or prone to it!
LL
I am a newlywed who was with my husband, then boyfriend 7 years before tying the knot. These are important things to consider in a relationship. Just remember that you can't change anybody or mold them into your ideal. Good luck finding happiness...
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and thanks for your wishes, Erin. I totally agree that we can't change anybody or mold them. Even if they change on their own, many a times the change does not last.
ReplyDelete